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Monday, March 7, 2011

Writing, Revealing, Realizing

     My writing has been sorting out my relationship with my mom. I realize that everything I have emotionally connected to her has, in reality, absolutely nothing to do with her or who she is. It's about how I react to her, how I define myself in relation to her, how I project what I'm feeling on to her, etc.... This goes for every relationship in my life. It has nothing to do with the other person. The only thing that is relevant is the value I have placed on events that have taken place within the relationship, and the ways in which I have allowed myself to view myself based on those events. This truth is a great liberator, as the onus is now on me to sort myself out within this. I am the only person who I can give and receive true forgiveness from, releasing myself instead of waiting for somebody else to 'save' me', 'fix' me or apologized to me or whatever. Nobody except me can change the way I experience myself, therefore, there is no blame, no waiting and no anger, only self-responsibility.Today I had an honest conversation with my mom, which doesn’t with me very often. It was fluid and light instead of stagnant and awkward for me. The mother-daughter relationship is a tricky one (as are all realtionships, family ties being the most 'loaded' or 'heavy' in my perception). After having written out my 'issues' with my mom (more like issues with myself), I have shed many of the expectations I never before realized I held her to. Of course nobody will ever live up to the expectations I hold them to, because it's nobody's job or responsibility to live for me or change the way I experience myself in the world. I know the point I'm working on within my relationship with my mother is in no way 'cleared', but I have freed myself up to now express myself honestly around her, which had always been (or,I have made it out to be) incredibly difficult for me. The conversation was actually all about my involvement with desteni and the equal money system. I was explaining it all to her and, although I’ve talked about it before, it’s as though it  registered this time. She even said she was proud of who I was as a person, which is like, all I’ve ever wanted to hear. But now I’ve heard it, and nothing has changed within me. No burden of responsibility has been lifted because my mother approved of me. So, it all comes back to self. Self-responsibility. Forgiving myself so that I can actually move on, release this bullshit I hang on to and live according to what is actually here instead of holding on to the limited
worldview I have created for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place importance on having my mom like me, know me and approve of who I am or what I’m doing. I’m going to do what I’m going to do regardless of how anybody feels about it, because if my goal is to get approval, than who I am within that is not valid.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself from the starting point of gaining approval, which is in self-interest, instead of the starting point of what’s best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in positive energetic emotional charges when interacting openly and honestly with my mom, thus manifesting the opposite effect. I remain stable and breathe through the energetic reactions that arise within me so as not to create nor participate within energy.

One of the things I’m finding within self-honesty and corrective application is that I’m more consistent, so, although I’m not always heard the first or second or third time, eventually, when I am heard, there’s this history of consistency. The people I share things with don’t take it seriously the first time, but eventually, after months or even years, that consistency is something substantial.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to grow frustrated and unsure when people don’t hear me the first time, or when people don’t get the desteni message and its importance immediately. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to convince others that ‘we’ need to change, when in fact ‘I’ need to change, and that change within myself will be the most effective 'convincing' I’ll ever experience. I stand alone, as all-one.

Through my writing and videos I’m realizing that most of what I feel about myself is determined through other people. It’s as if I don’t have that connection with myself so I need to mirror myself through another person to be able to see who I am, and to judge myself, and that judgment is skewed by whoever I’m using as a reflector. I realized this after reading Lindsay’s blog where Viktor asked her if she had any reactions towards becoming fat, and she said she did: (viewtopic.php?f=80&t=18335&start=180).
So I asked myself the same question, and what came up was: well, my husband wouldn’t be too happy about it. Also, I have had a lot of perceived resentment from women (with which I manifested many bad feelings towards my body), so the reaction that comes up in me is the feeling that a lot of people would be happy if I became fat, and I would feel bad about that. Only after I forced myself to imagine myself being fat did I get reactions of fear and panic.
I’m conscious about what I eat and I make an effort to exercise, but I definitely over eat and don’t exercise enough. My genetic predisposition allows me some slack in this respect, whereas another person might practice my same habits and become overweight. It’s at the back of my mind that I’m getting older and I’m going to have to become a little more disciplined, but there’s no issue other than that because I know when I eat proper portions and move around I’m be supporting my body adequately and I can’t do any more than that.
I project guilt about being skinny because many others experience weight problems. On the other hand I feel like I need to be in shape and attractive for my husband. My mind goes to the thought that he married a thin girl so now I should keep it up so he doesn’t get a raw deal. I’m not sure what I’m projecting there. Maybe that I must remain ‘attractive’ so that he’ll judge me accordingly and stay with me. I have talked about this with him and he said that he wouldn’t like it if I were fat because that would mean something was probably going on with me psychologically.
But I have placed much value on this body and its ability to attract/seduce men because of my fear of survival. I find myself targeting men of authority in my world, either bosses or professors, usually men who I have to depend on for my survival. I’ve already done sf on this concerning my boss, and I changed, I stopped participating in those thoughts and began to dress differently and stopped wearing makeup and shaved my head at that time. But now that I’m in school and I place so much value on passing and on good grades that I’ve found this point kind of came back wherein I want to seduce my professors and have control over them due to my fear of failing. This is diminishing behaviour and it stops here. I will not view myself that way as I have already experienced that when dealing with people openly, honestly and directly, without thinking about the 'seduction' point I gain experience respect and confidence within myself, otherwise I am slippery, deceitful and objectified.
SF Review:
-"Through my writing and videos I’m realizing that most of what I feel about myself is determined through other people. It’s as if I don’t have that connection with myself so I need to mirror myself through another person to be able to see who I am, and to judge myself, and that judgment is skewed by whoever I’m using as a reflector.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lack the self-intimacy required to recognize myself as a person or a self which actually exists.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to use others to create an image of myself. This creates manipulation as I may alter what I see through others by altering who I am and how I behave around them, thus being dishonest and manipulating myself and the other person. So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself and others in order to create an image of myself that I’m satisfied with. And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within this (self-) dishonest behaviour. I am ‘here’ as life as who I am. I remain aware of the reactions that come up around others, and I breathe through them and release them in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to handle who I am, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear showing others who I am, as this is actually my own fear of seeing myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear revealing to myself who I really am, because that entails taking responsibility for the atrocities of the world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed within the situation on earth, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project doubt concerning whether or not I will be able to forgive myself for all this horrible abuse. I forgive myself unconditionally with trust in my corrective application.

-“ So I asked myself the same question (do I react towards the idea of becoming fat), and what came up was: well, my husband wouldn’t be too happy about it. Also, I have had a lot of resentment from women (with which I manifested many bad feelings towards my body), so the reaction that comes up in me is the feeling that a lot of people would be happy if I became fat, and I would feel bad about that. Only after I forced myself to imagine myself being fat did I get reactions of fear and panic.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value being thin as an asset and judging it as better than being fat.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view being thin as important.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe being thin is attractive and that being attractive is important instead of just being who I am without judging myself or participating in the thoughts of whether or not I’m being judged by others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to look a certain way because I’m in a relationship. I only want to assist and support my physical body by giving it exactly what it needs, not more and not less, with no other motives. I assist and support my physical body unconditionally is it assists and supports me unconditionally.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do anything from the starting point of appeasing my projections of someone else’s desires or demands of me. I direct myself according to the principle of equality and oneness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the positive energetic emotional charge of ‘feeling good’ when my husband compliments me and conversely ‘feeling uncertain’ about myself when he doesn’t. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to determine how I feel about myself based on the comments of another.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about not being overweight.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad and negative feeling towards my body because I held the belief that it was a source of resentment for others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disconnected from my body because I felt people disliked me for it without knowing who I am as a person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my body as something separate from me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my self-perception to be influenced by others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because I am thin while others have weight problems, and I know that it has less to do with how I’ve treated myself and more to do with my pre-programmed design.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and react to the idea that others would be happy if I became fat. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my imagined projections of other’s reactions toward an imagined projection of myself in a hypothetical scenario.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad because I felt girls resented me for my body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel a false sense of security within myself in the face of the insecurity other women revealed to me through my perception of their resent. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am better than they are, or superior to them because I am not insecure like they are. The truth is I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be insecure about my appearance and body. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my appearance and body as important, or even more important than who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being fat. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe being fat would lessen my worth. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge overweight people as less worthy or having less value. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry towards overweight people because I believe they are responsible for it, this anger is misplaced:I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at myself for my own gluttony and lack of will power. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself and my physical body as I neglect it and as I live within participation within the mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the socially constructed ideals of what a woman 'should' look like.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place more worth upon those who fit these socially constructed ideals.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abused myself in order to meet these socially constructed ideals.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have judged myself based on these ideas, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my perception of myself to be influenced by these ideals.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used these ideals to abuse others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have fed in to the existence of these ideals by believing them and participating within them, even within supporting them with money as I purchase 'beauty products' and 'flattering clothes'.
I present myself to the world as who I am, practically and comfortably, expressing myself in the moment according to principle, and not being moved by these outside influences.


Some Amazing Perpective!

I recently watched a video which really put in to perspective how I was experiencing myself in relation to others wherein I felt I had completely designed myself according to other people. Without that definition, or ‘feedback’ as sunette calls it, I have no reference point for who I am. I have to become my own reference point, this is key in order to direct myself and remain stable. Who are we really, when we’re alone? I can remember how it feels to get all dressed up and wear makeup, with everybody complimenting and showing desire or being a little more friendly than usual. I would set out to get that feedback and the feedback that I would get would confirm to me that yes, I am this person, I am a woman, I can be attractive, I am desirable, I have confidence and grace… and all those other ego-driven manipulations that I am looking for when we go out to the club or whatever I may happen to be in to. The truth is that I’m probably more ‘myself’ when I’m alone in the bathroom taking a shit! LOL! 

2 comments:

  1. Hi Kim - Thanks for Sharing. Very cool Points Here. I tried opening the video, but it is a PDF file.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Anna. I couldn't find it so I removed the link. If I find it I will add it back.

    ReplyDelete