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Monday, June 20, 2011

Inflated Ego


I’ve noticed that when things are ‘bad’, meaning, I’m participating in negative emotions and I’m really struggling to push through, I manage to get through it because it’s easy to identify what exactly it is that I need to work on and write about. Recently I’ve noticed this starts the pattern.
When I push through and write myself out and complete my self-forgiveness to the point of actually changing my experience within myself, I have the tendency to go into over-drive where I try to ‘do it all’ and I want to change over night without walking through the process step by step. So this time, for example, I went to Montreal to sort out my next school year. My academic advisor gave me serious accolades and painted a world of academic opportunity if I kept things going the way they were. I managed to keep myself focused, that is, until I got home, because that’s when my parents asked me how it went. I went into the old pattern of wanting to impress my parents, or wanting to show them that I’m doing well etc... and when I told them about what the professor said I went into a positive emotional energetic experience. This was my polarity experience to having previously been worrying about the trip and my academic future. On top of this, I also did well in an interview and got a job and I used that to feed the positive experience.
The polarity experience consisted of feeling ‘good’ about myself, going into thoughts about how I’m doing well at school and “good for me!”- type thoughts. I start getting positive feedback from other family members which re-confirms my ego-inflating thoughts, and I’ll start to feel special, to feel like I’m winning at some fantasy competition in my mind and I participate in energy. This is not equality, but rather a “me-against-the-rest” mentality in a survival system. This is where I become unclear, because my whole life I thought winning (the ‘winning’ experience) was the ‘goal of life’.
 I’ve mostly felt uncomfortable in my own skin, and I’ve felt like a failure and an outsider, and so throughout that experience in my mind, my mind sought the polarity opposite, thinking that was ‘right’ and the way things were ‘supposed’ to be.
I’m sure I’ve been bouncing back and forth between the two poles my whole life without any awareness of the pattern, but the experience that stands out for me is the negative one. I’d been thinking all along that I’d been doing something wrong, or somehow ‘living wrong’ because my experience within myself was generally negative.
But now, after I use the Deseni tools to get through something and push myself to actually get things done or be effective, the positive feedback has been leading to ego. I can see a ‘me first’ mentality brewing within me which does not consider all equally, but is actually a back door where self-interest slips in. I know how deceptive the mind can be, so I know how important it is to write out the experience of ego and see it for what it really is before it gets to be a possession.
I can see this is a pattern which is reinforced by the system within which we live, wherein as a student we must impress our teachers and gain their approval to get good grades. Good grades lead to better jobs, which equals financial security and survival. We also need to impress our bosses, and validate ourselves to them as ‘good employees’ so that when the axe falls our asses are safe. Again, our survival is on the line here, especially for those that live pay-check to pay-check.
So before Desteni, one of my survival techniques was to aim to impress my teachers, my bosses or any other authority figure, because of my fear of survival which made me see them as holding my security in the palm of their hand. I would validate or gauge myself based on the positive feedback from them. I would use my sexuality, my charisma, I’d try to do everything right and perfect, I’d hope that I was better than the others and I would feel more secure if the others weren’t doing as well as I was. I would use the positive feedback from the figures of authority to confirm my survival, to validate myself and to ‘win’ at the game of life.
After studying at Desteni for a while I finally understood that this competition with my peers is fear-based and that competition for survival is actually what’s going on in the world that’s creating a huge gap between the rich and poor. The rich live in a heaven on earth compared to the suffering of the starving. I do not want to perpetuate this within myself as I no longer accept this as a part of human nature that we feed with our fear every day. I’ve changed my perspective with my peers now to one where I want to support them, I ask them for help, and I understand the equality of all being able to succeed and support each other.
But herein I see revealed to me the fact that I have not lived this as my absolute truth. My slipping on to participation within the ‘winning’ experience shows me that I still look for the validation of authorities to feed my ego and the feeling of ‘winning’, I still compete within ego. The ego is so easily bruised, it’s so unstable. “Pride cometh before a fall” as they say, because when you get up on the pedestal you realize that a positive charge is never constant, the pedestal is just a mirage, and the only way to go is down. I’m sick of bouncing back and forth between the positive and negative charges, so I’m stopping this experience within myself now, before it becomes my reality again.
I had to stop writing for the day, but when I woke up this morning and was doing my watching/rating for the day, I somehow accidentally ended up on the wrong page of the thread. I watched all these old videos and one of Lindsay’s came up that really assisted and supported me within this point I’m trying to clarify here. This is the video:
From Battle to Self-Expansion - Man Know Thyself http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IpChcCO4o4&feature=player_embedded
I was having trouble figuring out what my corrective application was going to be within this point. I asked myself the question: how will I handle the situation of succeeding without going in to ego?
Because of the fact that I participated in the positive energetic feeling, I know that I’m in for the fall, the polarity, and I’m suppressing and avoiding facing myself within this, and I’m instead going blank and numb because my mind as ego wants to stay ‘up’ and ‘high’ like I’m on my high horse. But I know that I can direct myself back down to reality and humility in a way that is supportive to myself.
The negatively charged emotional polarity experience usually consists of thoughts such as “I can’t do this” “I can’t keep up with the rest,”  I get this feeling of everything around me moving so fast while I remain burdened by the incredible amount of things I must do to succeed and win and stay “up.”
So in this moment I allow myself to slow down and open up within myself. I allow myself to return to the absolute humility of equality with everyone and everything that’s Here. I allow myself to be one with everything that’s here, instead of wanting to feel special and above the rest, thus separating myself from ‘them’ perpetuating a system of competition with winners and losers. I remind myself of the dark depths of my mind, my secret mind that I still need to face in its entirety. I allow myself to walk into the uncertainty of myself, and I direct myself through the darkness of my mind as I stand stable, equal and one to all that is here, within the ‘good’ and ‘bad,’ ‘highs’ and ‘lows’  ‘successes’ and ‘failures’ of the mind, I remain. I am not my mind and nothing of the mind is real, nothing of the mind is who I am as life.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

On Using Others for Emotional Fulfillment:


I have to kick the habit of using relationships to satisfy my emotional addiction. I used to call these ‘emotional needs’ which I would depend on others to satisfy within me. I used to think that was totally normal and acceptable. Now I see that everything I desire to obtain from another is actually something which I do not live within myself. When I look at my relationships I can see that I used them to  ‘make’ me feel ‘special’ and ‘loved’, meaning that I separate myself from these ideas wherein I feel un-important and un-loved within myself and so instead of changing within myself I abdicate my self-responsibility to others and expect it from them. I expect those in my world to act a certain way towards me instead of changing my self-perception and forgiving myself for not loving myself unconditionally and for not valuing myself as the most important self I have. Because this is the only self I have to work with, this one life and this one physical body and voice, to which I will become equal and one with within so that I can live equality within in order to manifest it without.
So all this indicates to me that I feel like I am un-whole when I ‘just am,’ meaning I believe that there are pieces of me ‘out there, ’missing somehow, when all along the fact I have been missing is the fact that I am whole. I’ve been missing myself,  so for now I’ll start to bring back the pieces by reminding myself that I have separated myself from them through my acceptance and allowance, and my participation within polarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself , creating self-judgment wherein I feel un-special/un-important, or un-loveable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am un-whole, by allowing myself to separate myself from the things I desire and the things I avoid.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be un-whole by allowing myself to separate myself from the things I desire and avoid, and then allow myself to be directed by the things I desire and the things I avoid.
I allow myself to stop participating in the pursuit of these thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I allow myself to be equal and one to myself.
Feeling Secial/unspecial:
Feeling Special: To me, this is the feeling I get from the one person in the world who would pick me out of a crowd, who would value me more than another, who would constantly tell me I’m special because I need that type of reassurance because of my participation in polarity..
                Coming up within me now are memories of school, where I believed there was nobody who would pick me over the rest. Nobody would approach me to talk or initiate a friendship. It’s interesting because this feeling comes back when I am in social situations now such as starting a new job. This past new job I started I felt insecure and like nobody liked me or wanted to know me, but instead of believing these thoughts, or even caring about them I directed myself to interact with my coworkers as I would have them interact with me. It didn’t take long before everything was normal and fine. This proved after only a few days that the emotional experience of ‘un-special,’ ‘un-important (etc...) that I felt in school and when I was younger were self-created. I believed my thoughts, feeling and emotions instead of applying myself as who I am, I allowed them to determine that for me. So for now, I would like to let go, release or delete the particular memories of special and un-special, so that I no longer participate in this polarity. The memories include:
- walking around the schoolyard alone, realizing I had not one friend.
- Not being asked to dance at parties or dances.
- Looking at other students and interpreting what I saw as them having fun, expressing themselves, being special and recognized as such, while I felt I existed in the background, un-noticed, un-appreciated, existing for no reason.
- being picked on, knowing no one would defend me, not defending myself, believing no one cared and believing that I was faulted and that’s why people made fun of me. I felt like an outcast and I just wanted to disappear, and I was humiliated if anyone saw or pointed me out because I felt unworthy.
All these beliefs, memories and delusions of the mind led me to believe I was faulted in some way. So I’ll just start with the first memory and work my way through them all.
“- walking around the schoolyard alone, realizing I had not one friend.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to realize myself as the experience of loneliness instead of realizing myself as who I am as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself with the feeling of loneliness, allowing the emotion to direct my actions wherein I aligned myself to the definition of ‘lonely’ and ‘with not one friend’ instead of directing myself to treat others the way I would have liked to have been treated, which I have already proven to myself is an effective course of action.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose inaction and passivity over self-movement, allowing myself to be directed by my mind instead of applying myself .
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse of being hurt by the emotional experience of ‘loneliness’ and ‘with not one friend’ to separate myself and isolate myself into my own little world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can be hurt or diminished in any way, only my ego can be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself into my own little world separate from the real world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself in to my own little ‘safe’ world because I believe the real world would hurt me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I had been hurt by the real world, believing it to be a strange and cruel place, when in fact it was all in my mind, meaning my mind was the strange and cruel place. Therefore, by isolating myself I was in fact hiding from and separating myself from my own mind, creating a split within me, wherein one world was scary, cold and strange, and the other was warm, small and quiet.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept the world as it is, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lost and intimidated within and as the real world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe reality is ‘too big’, ‘too cold’ and ‘too scary’ for me to be able to stand and direct myself within it, I allow myself to drop the smokescreen of my beliefs, to reveal the fact that I can stand and direct myself within any experience. I allow myself to direct myself through the smokescreen of my mind, without being influenced, moved or fooled by the thoughts, feeling and emotions I have always existed as.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place definitions, judgments and beliefs on to my idea of ‘what the world is like’, because it is just an idea,  therefore it exists only in my mind, creating the polarity world of soft, small and warm.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as an idea, thus being influenced and directed by a false reality, instead of participating fully with what is actually Here.
I allow myself to participate fully with others in my world, and I accept and allow myself to apply and direct myself as my living self through all situations that may arise in my reality or my mind.
-“ Not being asked to dance at parties or dances.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my worthiness based on others desire or lack of desire to dance (share an intimacy) with me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek intimacy with others instead of realizing self-intimacy.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be self-intimate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being self-intimate.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I am not able to be self-intimate I will not be able to share intimacy with others, but only the illusion of intimacy as an idea I’ve created and separated myself from and then believed I can only experience it with others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be asked to dance in order to feel special.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to asked to dance in order to feel special because I have separated myself from ‘feeling special’, placing that feeling outside of myself where I accept and allow myself to be directed and defined by the belief that I must attain it, thus accepting and allowing the belief that ‘others must prove to me that I am special’ instead of me accepting and allowing myself to be who I am as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself in to the emotional and feeling experiences of ‘special’ and ‘un-special’ instead of accepting and allowing myself to unconditionally accept myself and unconditionally live/love myself as who I am as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others must prove to me that I am special, thus abdicating my responsibility to direct myself and know that I am already complete,.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my thoughts, feeling and emotions, thus accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my perceptions and interpretations of my experiences, which is all mind creations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed and defined by my mind, and the interpretations of and within my mind of outside events, instead of being one and equal to my mind, and fully present and aware in the physical.
I accept and allow myself to experience  self-intimacy within myself.
I accept and allow myself to be myself, to be who I am as life.
I accept and allow myself to unconditionally accept myself as who I am as life.
I accept and allow myself to love myself unconditionally.
I accept and allow myself to unconditionally live myself.
I accept and allow myself to take self-responsibility to direct myself as life without participation within and as my thoughts, feelings, emotion, perceptions, ideas and beliefs.
I accept and allow myself to stop, I am one and equal with all that is Here.

- “Looking at other students and interpreting what I saw as them having fun, expressing themselves, being special and recognized as such, while I felt I existed in the background, un-noticed, un-appreciated, existing for no reason.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself within myself until I am so small and insignificant that I’d rather not exist.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to others doing what I’d like to do, in terms of opening up and expressing themselves, by retreating within myself, suppressing and hiding myself within myself as my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself within myself. I allow myself to expand myself as who I am as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to retreat within myself. I allow myself to flow with life and direct myself one breath at a time as I live with life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself within myself. I allow myself to live fully as who I am as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living as who I am as life, Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot express myself like others can.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot express myself like others can because I fear being embarrassed, humiliated and hurt by others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can be embarrassed by others, only my ego can be embarrassed. I embrace myself as Who I Am unconditionally.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can be humiliated by others, only ego can be humiliated and not life, life stands always, eternally and absolute. I allow myself to nurture myself and gently push and support myself to apply myself as who I am as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can be hurt by others, only ego can be hurt. I allow myself to pick myself up and support myself unconditionally so that I can  take life one breath at a time, knowing I have myself, my self-support and my self-responsibility as life to direct myself.

-“ being picked on, knowing no one would defend me, not defending myself, believing no one cared and believing that I was faulted and that’s why people made fun of me. I felt like an outcast and I just wanted to disappear, and I was humiliated if anyone saw or pointed me out because I felt unworthy.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the words of others, thus defining myself by them and believing myself to be less than them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as less than words instead of living words and realizing that I Am Life, and not less than Life as I believed myself to be less than words spoken to me, and I believed to be the words that are spoken to me instead of realizing I Am Here, constant and stable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react emotionally within ego to being picked on, instead of standing within myself and as Life, as Who I Am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am defenceless within myself, by believing that I need to defend myself from an attack. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within conflict, within the internal conflict which manifests as external attacks, within which through my participation I allow myself to attack myself. Therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anyone can come and save me from myself, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to myself by believing I need to be defended, or that I need someone to come to my defence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to defend myself from others as myself. Instead I stop, I stop myself from participating within the competition and conflict within my mind and my reality, and I allow myself to breathe myself Here as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe no one cares about me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop caring about myself, and I allow myself to care for myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I depend on others ‘caring about me’ when it is in fact all about me caring about myself, so I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to care about myself. I care about myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am faulted, instead of realizing myself as innocence as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am born within sin.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am born within guilt.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am born from a condemned stock.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am tarnished.
I allow myself to release myself from these beliefs, as they do not serve me, they are not one with who I am as life. These beliefs are of the mind, they are of the ego and I do not accept and allow them within me, or to direct me in any way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive ‘people making fun of me’ as people seeing me as faulted, when it is in fact my own self-perception of being faulted which I am projecting on to them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in projecting upon others, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my own projections, believing them to be the true nature of the situation, rather than accepting and allowing myself to stand within any given situation, without judging the situation with my mind and ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the ego, my ego, which is the only thing that reacts to ‘being made fun of’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be the ego, my ego, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself as ‘being made fun’ of when it is in fact only my ego that is reacting.
I allow myself to make-fun of myself, and enjoy myself as who I am in every moment of breath, within any given situation wherein I remain the same today as I am tomorrow as I stand absolute.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as an outcast within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not a part of the group.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it the group who decides whether or not I am a part of it, when it is in fact me who decides.
I accept myself within myself.
I allow myself to stand as a part of the group, and I allow myself to complete myself as a whole within the whole.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to disappear within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to abdicate myself to my mind, in which I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as the mind to fear who I really am as Life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself within revealing myself to the world, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself revealing myself to the world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience unworthiness within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place self-acceptance outside myself, and to expect it from others when I am responsible for accepting myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place self-acceptance outside myself, where it will never actually be realized.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility for my own self-acceptance, by not forgiving myself unconditionally for everything I have accepted and allowed myself to be or become or experience that is not who I really am, it is less than who I really am as life.
I forgive myself for  not accepting and allowing myself  to love and accept myself unconditionally as life.
I accept allow myself to remain present and aware as breath, as Life.
I accept and allow myself to stand as Who I Am.
I am Here.
I stand as Life.


Writer's Block? Something's Lurking Beneath the Surface


                I have been having severe writer’s block when it comes to writing myself out lately. My mind is telling me ‘you’ve figured it all out, now you can go back to living the way you were.”
 I remember that life, it was easy and comfortable, things felt like they were supposed to be a certain way. I thought I could align myself to the way they were supposed to be in order to experience the stability and security I’d always dreamed of and chased. But that is an endless chase in this world, because it is a chase of ideas in the mind: future happiness, future security, future stability and the path that will lead me there. What I realize is that the way things were supposed to be for me was all about me, only me. My ‘path’ did not consider anything else that is here on the earth with me. My ‘path’ involved supporting myself to live by depending on systems which abuse life, and depending on life itself without any regard for the unconditional support I receive from it in every breath. Now I have no path, instead I walk breath by breath into the unknown. Instead of future dreams of a house and a good salary to guide me, I have self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-corrective application and the principle of doing what’s best for all in all ways. Instead of projecting security and stability to some future date I am becoming these words now, living them in real time; security in the form of self-trust, and stability in the form of an actual stability within myself. I am becoming something I can depend on. Happiness is a tough one, because I don’t know how happy I can feel in a world where children starve, people get raped and murdered and animals get slaughtered while the environment deteriorates. But the pursuit of happiness is done with. I realize it’s the mind with the ‘carrot on a stick’ trick.
                I will no longer allow myself to be fooled by my mind. I understand that it does not want to discontinue, it has the same self-preservation default that everything else does, with one clear goal: to survive and continue existing. But herein lies my choice: do I want to exist or do I want to exist as my mind? Existing as the mind is not life, and the choice disappears when the mind disappears, therefore the choice is an illusion. When the mind disappears life remains, life cannot disappear, life is Here.
                What I am existing as is ego, and because of that I believe my thoughts are something worth spending time as. But they’re not. Not even one of them. Not the ones that make me feel good, and not the inevitable polarity experience of feeling bad. I have indeed been participating within and as my thoughts a lot recently. They have taken me on a roller-coaster ride of self-doubt and delusions of grandeur and wanting to feel like I’m special. Everyone wants to feel special and like they are more than another, because being more, having more, being of value in this reality means survival. I don’t want to survive, I want to live. I want to kill my ego so that I can live.
                Since I’ve started this process I’ve felt a space open up within me where fear, self-judgment and anxiety used to be. Within that space I am being fooled by this desire to be everything I’ve always wanted to be when I was actually suppressed by fear, self-judgment and anxiety. I wanted to feel special, feel attractive, feel successful, thus separating myself from these things. These superficial things which I have always placed value on cannot take the place of the things I was existing as. The only acceptable thing I can replace my ego with is the humility, oneness and equality I am with all that is here. To set my goal as my desire is to suppress myself once again underneath the illusions of the mind. The pursuit of these things is empty and endless and they are not who I am as life.
                I am at a blank, so now it is my responsibility to direct this blank to something which will accumulate the self-honesty and self trust I require to stand as life. Within this self-direction I seek support from the one group I know I can depend on and trust, so it’s time for me to study desteni-style, and that involves placing in front of me my own accepted truths. This is what I have been avoiding.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

The Matter of the Portal



                I want to discuss my personal experience with/reaction to the existence of the portal. Personally, I had no reaction to it within myself. I watched the Youtube videos and heard the message, and nothing within me moved about either a belief or disbelief in the portal. My reaction involved more of a fear of what others would think of me because I accepted this fact, how I might be discredited because of this fact, and how the message of Desteni might not be heard because of others disbelief in this fact.
                The fact is: Sunnette can leave her body and the resonances of anything in existence can enter it and speak. So for me, coming from a family and a life experience absent of any real spirituality, wherein no particular set of beliefs were imposed upon me, I was able to keep an open mind about such a reality. And thankfully so, because otherwise I would have not been able to accept my personal responsibility for what is going on in the world, and I would still be existing in my own little world feeling like there’s nothing I can do.
                The Desteni message is nothing new. It is a message of equality and oneness with all that is here. The difference with the Desteni group is that we are actually acting on our responsibility for what is here, we are standing up and taking steps (by using the tools) to actually change the way things are, because it is very obvious that this is necessary. I’m sure there are some in this world who are wealthy enough, or who are in positions of such power that if the entire system were to collapse they would in fact be fine. But the truth is that the majority of people live within and depend upon the continuation of this abusive system for their survival, and billions of people who depend upon this system are not even receiving this bare minimum level of support, i.e., they are starving to death while the system feeds the wealthy. So what we are saying is that the system needs to change to one which supports all life, simply because all life is in fact one, and simply because a change in the system is not outside the realm of possibility, so why not go for it? Why not do everything possible to make this change a reality? The answer is that there is no good enough reason not to. Scepticism and doubt are self-fulfilling prophecies, and a belief in some other way such as charity, religion, spirituality or NGO’s (among many others) has already proven ineffective, so we are going for it in a way that has never been done before using resources which have never been available before. We are addressing the core issue: the economic system itself, and we are using social media and self-movement to make this happen, and it’s already on its way.
What are we doing? :
                -We are in school, learning about the current system, educating ourselves to be able to function within the current system. We are studying economics, politics, law, psychology and more to empower ourselves to be the future leaders, because our current leaders have let us down and no one else is stepping up to the plate.
-We are stopping within ourselves, meaning: we are stopping ourselves from being directed by our minds of thoughts (beliefs, doubts, scepticism, etc...), feelings (the endless pursuit of personal happiness, delusions of grandeur, love and light, feeling special/putting self above others,  etc...), and emotions (fear, depression, anxiety, lack of motivation, etc...), to discover who we are beyond these things.
-We are realizing what we as individuals are capable of achieving if we put aside our egos and work as a group with one voice, a group guided by the same principle of doing what’s best for all. We are stabilizing ourselves financially, by using whatever resources are available to us in our own worlds, and by using the life-coaching product taught at Desteni, which we will sell (anybody can) to support ourselves and others to become part of the rich elite, simply because that is what we need to do to be in the position of power we require to be in to realize a change in the system.
-We are networking to create a strong cohesive global group, which we already are. We will continue to network and gain size and numbers as we become loud and powerful enough to make the change. This is already happening; the majority of people want change. We have no security in this world when our lives depend on a system that has only proven that it does not care and will rob from us, steal our dignity, cheat us, lie to us, abuse us, take what little we have and then turn around and ask us for our continued support in the form of votes and taxes, acceptance and allowance. Our whole system is based on an agreement which has turned most people in to slaves, either by slave labour, slaves to working to provide the bare minimum requirements of life-support in the form of food, shelter and medicine when required, slaves to our debt, slaves to our bills etc... We are going to change this agreement to one that supports us all equally, but first we must realize we are not slaves.
-We are publishing our personal experiences with the Desteni tools (the life-coaching product) i.e., our processes of personal realization, to demonstrate its benefits and effects, in order for others to recognize their own responsibility and their own power to change themselves and thus change the world (search using networked blogs on facebook using the words ‘Desteni,’ ‘process’ and ‘Equal Money’ to see what I’m talking about).
-We are publishing our research on the Equal Money System so that others may see that it is possible, and how it would benefit life on earth and stop the madness we currently live within and as (again, Google or Youtube ‘Equal Money’ to get pages of research and explanations, there’s also Equalmoney.org with information and forums to ask questions, share research and make suggestions, and a book which will be available soon).
-We are publishing our research of the current system, revealing its madness, exposing the greed and lust for power that runs it, and exposing the absolute disregard for life we as humanity accept by accepting and even defending the current system (EqualMoney101 channel). This is so that people can see that reality as we know it, is not cool. Despite the media, mainstream news (or the lack thereof), and Hollywood telling us this is all very normal and acceptable, and acting like everything in existence is known and understood by humanity, it is not.
-We publish current news stories of people going mad in the world, because the world is going mad in a system that turns the earth (which provides for us unconditionally) into a living hell for most (demonology101, DemonsDaily channel and chat forum).
-We publish the rationale behind our argument to stop the separation of Mankind through religion. Not for the end of religion, but for the end of people acting out on human nature in the name of religion, causing inequality and hierarchy, abuse, hate, ignorance, and intolerance, and calling it religion (Facebook page: ‘Stop All Religions and Live Equal’).
-We are organized and taking steps towards a long-term political solution by doing these things, and in the mean-time creating a political platform and training future leaders to take on this massive responsibility for the good of all, so that we no longer live under leaders who abuse us and take away our dignity.
It’s hard for me to focus on one aspect of Desteni, such as the portal, and not to explain everything we are doing because this is not some divided or even dividable phenomenon, but I do want to share my personal experience with the existence of the portal so that others may also accept it, get past it and move on to become a part of the solution as well.
                Years ago, before I discovered Desteni, someone asked me if I believed in God. I said no, so he called me an Atheist. But I told him this wasn’t so, and that I accepted the possibility of something else, some greater power or alternate dimension, but that I had no understanding of it. This was my truth, I accepted that there may be something more, but because I couldn’t understand it and I felt I never would, I just lived my life with the end goal of providing myself a comfortable existence, hoping to be happy and enjoy my time on earth.
                So Desteni presented the information that there is indeed ‘something more,’ and that we could communicate with that ‘something more’ through this young lady in a direct and consistent manner, and that the message coming from the ‘other side’ is that humanity is fucked, people are suffering, animals are being abused, nature is being devastated and nothing is coming to save us. It is our responsibility to change the reality we all share because we created it. This made sense to me, and it was like I already knew that, I just didn’t think it was possible.
                So, the fact that there is something more I could accept, now the portal: the idea of a link between the living and another dimension is something I also discovered that I was accepting of. I had been to a psychic twice in my life, both times I left more confused than I had entered, and I was left with the impression that these people just took my money for nothing. But the fact that I went indicates to me that within me there was an acceptance that maybe, possibly, a human being could connect to whatever is out there. My mom had been to a medium who told her many true things about her deceased mother, and many of my friends and other family had been to similar things. Just for the fun of it maybe, but does this not indicate at some level, the acceptance of an inkling of possibility? I did not believe the psychics I saw personally, but I did not give up on the fact that maybe somewhere out there, there existed someone who could do this.
                Now I’ll give some arguments to demonstrate how compared to our accepted reality, the idea of the portal is really not all that ‘out there,’ and how the notion of ‘something more’ and a communication with it is already here. These are the things I considered:
1)      ‘In God We Trust’ is printed on American money, indicating that enough people believe in a higher power they call god. In this respect the portal makes more sense because the message coming from the portal is about taking responsibility for the mess we’re in, whereas the belief in an all-powerful god tells us to abdicate that responsibility to him, even though the situation on earth is only getting worse, and He has not proven to be anything but angry and vengeful. Why has he allowed money to decide who lives and dies in this world? Why has he accepted the destruction of nature, and the horrible abuse of animals for profit, or the suffering of most for the benefit of the few? Reality looks more like the work of the human than the work of some higher power.

2)      Religions proliferate. Enough said. People believe some crazy stories about someone coming to save us in an instant, or of an afterlife that will be better than reality. The thing is, reality is not that bad as long as you have money, and there’s enough resources for all to have enough. So it just makes sense that it’s not a god, but rather Human greed that has caused the suffering and inequality. So if you’re going to believe in a message from another dimension, why not believe the one that tells it like it is, and that offers a solution and provides all the steps to get there? The message that is coming through the portal is that by this definition, We are in fact all God, in that We are the creators of what’s here, We caused it, We are responsible for it, and We have the power to change it. How much longer are we going to wait to be saved by a god outside ourselves? We judge ourselves and need no greater being to judge us and decide if we are worthy, because we already know what it takes to be worthy: honour life, do not abuse others, love your neighbour, respect what’s here etc... divine intelligence is not required to tell us whether or not what we are doing qualifies us to be ‘saved.’ We each individually know what we are doing, and we each individually need save ourselves as a whole, to do what’s best for all. What I am saying here is what I have learned through studying Desteni, and what I am saying will make sense to anyone who has the capacity to remain open-minded and use common sense, because equality is common sense and we only need reasons, justifications and excuses for inequality to exist.

3)      Psychics and mediums support themselves through enough people believing in the possibility of communication with the other side: I have lived in three very different cities in two different countries and two different states, and in each city there have been fortune tellers and palm readers with successful shops in the city centers. So I’m left with the impression that people believe this is possible, and I wouldn’t fear being called crazy if I said I visited a psychic, so why should I fear my actions being discredited for hearing what the dimensional existence has to say through Sunnette? The answer is that I shouldn’t. The more important answer is that the only person who can discredit me is myself, through the belief that I need others to accept what I am doing as some form of validation or approval. The truth is that I accept and validate myself, and that means I can stand for equality and for life no matter what others chose to believe about me or the portal.
So I guess in a way this is like my ‘coming out’ where I state here, loud and clear, that Desteni is the real deal. I ‘came to terms’ with revealing to the world what I stand for when I started posting Desteni videos, and then I was able to post videos of the portal. Yes, there existed in me a fear of judgment in terms of ‘what will my friends and family think of me now,’ but I have gotten over that. Is it insane to believe that the existence of the portal is possible, or is it insane to declare that one knows as an absolute certainty that it is not possible? The latter implies a knowledge of all that is here, and an understanding of all that is possible, which I am in no position to claim. Just look at all the mysteries of the world, look at quantum physics where at a sub-atomic level, particles break all the rules of physics which dictate our larger reality. Science is discovering that we know less and less than what we thought we understood about reality. Look at astronomy, where astronomers are discovering new phenomena every decade. We know very little about the universe we live in, but there is one thing that we can state with absolute certainty, and that is that suffering and abuse caused by man-made systems such as the economic, religious, political and educational systems is not necessary and therefore the suffering and abuse caused by these systems needs to come to an end by changing these systems.
Those who have the power to change these systems are those who created them: the human, and this includes everybody. I don’t think the humans that are busy starving to death, or the ones being oppressed or surviving on 2$ a day are going to need that much convincing that we need a system to support them. The ones that need to make this decision are the elite in the world. And I don’t mean the super-rich or the secret societies or the government, I mean regular people like you and me. We have the greater numbers, we vote for and support the leaders, we are the foundations of the system, and we have the power to change it. I’m not talking about revolution or protests- these things don’t work and are usually illegal. I’m talking about working by the rules of the system from within the system. This means politics. We need to become politicians and lawyers: creators of law, economists: controlling the flow of money, teachers/psychologist: training a new generation of human that considers others, that honours all life, and that has dignity and is guided by principle over personal satisfaction. And we at Desteni are becoming these things. And we are unstoppable because with the Desteni tools we complete ourselves, we are doing everything according to existing law, we are step by step doing what’s necessary to be done over years, not over night. We are waiting patiently for others to realize and recognize themselves in us, and we will support each and every person who wants to be a part of this, to become a complete whole within themselves and join us as we create a world which provides for the whole of which we are parts. This is like Arthur Koestler’s Janus ‘holarchy’; the Janus Principle, where “self-regulating entities which manifest both the independent properties of wholes and the dependant properties of parts” are required to coexist, much like organs functioning in a body (pg. 34, 1978, Random House Inc.:NY, cool shit).
So here I stand, Kimberly Kline (nee Doubt), as one vote for world equality, yes, just one vote, one me. But through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application I am gently pushing this ‘one me’ to become the most powerful and unstoppable me I can possibly be. I am the one piece of the whole that I have control over, so I am going to be the directive of that one piece, and join other pieces until we are the driven and larger part of the whole.
So for more information on the portal, who she is and how this all came to be, the information is disclosed unconditionally, free for all to see on Youtube under the video series called “The Portal History (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFuJmcRtqVA),” by DesteniProductions. Also, check out “The History of Desteni” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbW_y0JG4XE) to learn about how Desteni came to be, and also “The History of Mankind” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ym3fWwLG1g) which is a series of over a hundred videos explaining who we are and how we got here. Investigate it for yourself, do your own research because no one is going to do it for you, empower yourself and walk with us as equals. All are welcome to join.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

How My Relationships Have Changed Since Desteni:



                In walking my process there has been one major theme for me in particular: calm, stable, steady application. I never realized how reactive I used to be to other people. I had labelled myself as a laid-back girl who just goes with the flow. But in reality, I was suppressing myself. I was socially anxious and I felt like very few people knew who I really was because I had a hard time opening up and fully participating in social situations. As with any suppression, tension builds up, and come an argument or a moment where I felt defensive or hurt, I would feel it all come back. I would not explode, no, I would become quiet. It was like everything I had been holding in would come back all at once. I would become so inundated with emotions that I would not be able to think straight, I couldn’t put it in to words what I was feeling. I couldn’t express myself properly so I would end up either not speaking, or saying things I didn’t really mean (sometimes even hurting others because I was feeling hurt).
                Not being able to express oneself is an extremely frustrating experience. So now add frustration to the hurt and anger and whatever other emotions are brewing, and I was rendered senseless; unable to make sense of what was going on in my mind. Try to effectively communicate in that state! I couldn’t, and the result was more tension, more anxiety and more stress. As I have learned through my investigations of the Desteni material, these types of feelings don’t always just go away, they can be like an addiction and grow, feed, fester, or look for outlets (which is why at Desteni we also investigate ‘crimes of passion’ and bizarre outburst in seemingly ‘normal’ unemotional people. These are of course extreme cases, but it demonstrates the power and control emotions can have over a person, where they can act out and even harm others. Society puts labels on them, naming new and increasing psychological diseases, as if this is an acceptable part of ‘human nature’ that we have no control over. Incidentally, pharmaceutical companies make billions off of treating the masses with chemical drugs that are not properly understood and tested, feeding them to our children as if this problem has no other solution).
Anyways, back to me, myself, the self that I am discovering and the power I am giving back myself through the process that is all about the self:  I guess I would have fallen under the ‘introvert’ category before Desteni. I took things in to me, I kept them in and I presented everything as ‘fine.’ Sometimes it was fine, but ever since I learned how to deal with these things I don’t want to ever feel that way again, (obviously), I don’t have to feel that way again, it’s up to me. It’s ‘hard’ work, so to speak. But when I reason with myself, I see that it’s actually more difficult to live in a constant state of suppression, going through the anxiety and tension everyday has an impact on the body. It’s very tiresome and makes everything else feel more difficult, like work, chores and responsibilities, and it is usually accompanied by some degree of insomnia, it’s like a vicious circle. So when I say using the Desteni tools is ‘hard’ work, that means it requires discipline and daily application... but when you start to free yourself from the mental grind that I just described, it feels like weights being lifted. I feel lighter and more in control of my time and my life. I feel like I have more time, even though the process involves a slowing down of sorts. It teaches me how to achieve the discipline I need, and the ability to move myself without the need for energetic motivation.  It really helps me appreciate the present moment when I’m spending time with others in my world. I can participate with them unconditionally, and stand as their equal, no matter what our differences are.
                When I say I ‘deal with’ internal emotions (including the thoughts and feelings that go with them) I mean first be able to acknowledge them (for example, being ‘hurt’), then be able to recognize them (it’s cyclical so it comes back again and again, with practice I can see them coming), forgiving myself for basically putting myself through the experience, and then directing myself. This is the part I’m at now in some areas, and it’s very cool. Aside from directing myself to remain stable through what would normally been emotional turmoil (thus reaching peaceful resolutions instead of slamming doors and yelling), I also experience less of such conflict in my life, the two go hand in hand. It’s also better for both people involved because when one stays calm, the other is more likely to stay calm as well. Soon I will be able to stop the emotions before they start, but this is a process and it takes time.
So at this point, when I understand a conflict happens in my life, I can direct myself in such a way to ‘walk through’ it, instead of reacting to it. I can slowly apply the Desteni tools to recognize and transcend the trigger points, which circumvent the entire pointless conflict in the first place. The result of this is not only experiencing more peace and stability within myself, but also understanding myself and others more. I can stop wasting my time with judging myself and others, or even situations, and instead take my time to understand them, see how they function and adapt myself accordingly. The cool thing with understanding is that once you understand something, it’s done, but when you judge something, you can react to it endlessly, forever. Judgment can also build momentum over time, and lead to things like anger and hate. Desteni teaches me to understand and not judge. Ever.
The people who have made the decision to commit to this process understand that we cannot just make claims that this works and expect people to believe us, we live in a world of deception right now. That is why we blog and vlog. We document our personal processes publicly, under our real names so that others can see we are real people. We reveal our innermost selves and discover that we are all the same. We all have the same shit going on inside of us, it is just individualized to our personal experiences. Making the decision to take the Desteni I Process is a lifetime decision, but when you realize how you can actually change yourself and release yourself from the inner turmoil and conflict, you realize that together we can change the world. We are after all, all in this together. But the first step is always to start with yourself, that is the only way it can happen, because we cannot direct others except by our example: by being a living statement of what is possible.
The Desteni I Process (Desteniiprocess.com) costs money, it has to, because any movement in this world needs to be paid for, that is our current reality. But the cool thing is that once you learn the tools you can support others to do the same, and eventually make quite a comfortable income from it. We have to be financially stable to make a difference, in the world and our own lives. If you don’t have money in this world, you don’t have a voice. However, if you don’t have money, you can still be a part of this process through sponsorship. By sharing yourself unconditionally, by using the free material on the Desteni site you will be unconditionally supported on the free forums,and when you demonstrated that you are serious and understand what it means to be self-honest, you'll get an anonymous sponsor! This is how Desteni functions: to support each person who makes this decision, no matter what. We will do everything we can, within the limitations of this reality, to support each person to stand up as life, for life, to honour life.
So there is no  reason not to join the I process, to make the commitment to yourself. The idea is ‘give and you will receive,’ meaning, share yourself and your personal empowerment with the world, publicly, and receive financial support. We cannot do this alone; we need to be a group. Change can happen when it is an organized group supporting each other to self-realize. We are self-organized and we are fully committed to ourselves and thus to the good of all, and we are patiently waiting for others to realize that they too can be a part of the group that will change the world. All are welcome.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Gaining Structure, Discipline, Time-Management

     I realize how important it is to be structured, disciplined and have good time-management skills, I've always known that. I've always known that the cause of most of my stresses and anxieties were/are cause by my lack of these skills. Lacking these skills is brings down one's quality of life and rendering one incapable of doing anything for anybody, including oneself.

     I am currently in the middle of getting a University degree. I go to class on time, I get good grades, I hold down a job, I have good references, I have a 7 year marriage which I am still enjoying, I have enjoyable relationships with all my family members (including extended family), I pay my rent and bills with money that I earn, and I have never been on any kind of welfare. It's not that I look down on anybody who is on welfare or who does not do these things, my point here is that by all f society's definitions I am a responsible, structured and disciplined person. A 'good' person who is supporting the system. But therein lies the problem, in just doing these basic things we are only supporting a system which depends on the abuse of others to function. Through my participation in reality in this 'acceptable' way I am actually making the statement that 'I am ok with the way things are.' Desteni has taught me that I can be so much more than this, that I can re-program myself to do so much more for the underprivileged in the world by expanding who I am in order to achieve my full potential. Anybody can do this. Anybody can acquire the skills needed to effect a change in this world, so in this blog I am choosing to tackle these three specific skills to help me improve myself, my quality of life and my effectiveness so that I can then become a pillar of support to others. When a large group becomes effective, there is no limit to what we can do. If we make clear statements of what it is we would like to do with our skills, there are no misunderstandings or misinterpretations of our intent. "Do what's best for all' is the statement clearly made at Desteni, and what's best for all, at this point in time, is to have enough money to survive, and to end the profit-driven system that is destroying the very earth we all live on.
   
     I'll talk about this a little more later, but first, back to the skills development. When we lack the skills required to become effective considerate human beings, we are really just existing in selfishness because we are not pushing ourselves to become more than what we believe ourselves to be. If anyone wants to make a difference in their own life, and therefor in the world, it is absolutely necessary to exercise structure, discipline and time-management (among many others, these are just the ones that I am personally concentrating on at the moment). Gaining effective skills is our responsibility to ourselves and therefore our responsibility to the rest of life as we get through the beliefs, thoughts and ideas that are preventing us from making a difference within ourselves and within the world at large.

     Without these skills we are living within and as selfishness because we are only taking care of ourselves (and not doing a very good job at it). We are doing the bare minimum to get by, to get ourselves through another day, to be seen as 'good people'. We cannot just do the bare minimum, we cannot just survive, one step away from giving up. We are living within failing systems (economic, political, religious, educational and ecological), things are going to go wrong, in our lives and in the world, and we need the strength and drive to get through them.

     The desteni tools which I'm learning through the Desteni I Process (www.desteniiprocess.com) are helping me to become equal to myself, in that I no longer let my self-perception ( in this case, of 'not being structured, 'not having discipline,' and 'not having good time-management skills') direct who I am. I use the tools to systematically release the memories I have which I have used to define myself and believe myself to be, I 'delete' them, so to speak, so that I may program myself to instead master these skills. I stop them from recurring, I change who I am by seeing who I really am (ever notice recurring patterns in your life? Same relationship play-outs, same arguments, same problems at work or school? Understand the patters, see where they originate from, release them and change, that's all there is to the process and the use of the tools, but it's easier said than done. It takes practice).

     Becoming equal to myself allows me to decide who and what I want to be. Now that is power. With this power comes responsibility, because we can become pretty powerful in this world, and we have to decide what we will use that power for. Will we use it for profit and domination? Will we use it for personal gain? Some do in this current reality. But not Destonians. Detonians will use these tools of self-empowerment to put an end to the suffering and abuse that goes on in the world. They will use it to become equal to that abuse, accepting the fact that all human's are responsible for it, and within that responsibility, stopping it, stopping participation in it, and thus changing it.

A bit more about The Equal Money System:

     Desteni proposes the Equal Money System as an alternative to the current money system that has evolved to what it is today. Regardless of the intentions or the starting point of the current money system, the reality remains that it has given a small group of people control to take as much as they can, while the majority, billions of people, are struggling to survive. The Equal Money System will end this and will allow all people to have enough material support to live a dignified life, so that we can start cleaning up the environment and changing our current practices to more sustainable ones which respect the rest of life with which we share the planet. Right now most people cannot afford to do this, they cannot even fathom a change like this because they are too busy surviving, depending on the current system which makes them slaves to the wealthy. A system which lets children die from hunger in a world where there is enough food to feed them. There are enough resources, it is equality which is lacking. And with the way we are going, we are destroying what little we have left, thus scripting for ourselves the future which we fear the most: to end up like 'them'. Desperate, hungry, helpless.

     But we are not there yet, we are not helpless. We are still in a position where we can change before it's too late. We are the elite, any one of us who has 3 square meals, a job or welfare and a roof over our heads... Even more elite are those with healthcare, access to an education, monetary security of some sort, whether it be savings or family wealth. WE are the elite, we have the power and the voice necessary to change. The super-elite will not change, they will not stand for life because the way the system is right now is benefiting them beyond what we can imagine. Why would they give that up? How could they give that up? How could they see through the greed which blinds them and which got them to where they are today. Or the fear of losing their fortunes which turns them into unforgiving beings who are too scared to share. Why are they scared? Do they fear that if they share they might be taken advantage of as they have taken advantage the vulnerable people in the world?

     Investigate an Equal Money System (@ www.equalmoney.org) so that we can get past all this, and see that giving is receiving, that if all are taken care of, we are taken care of. If we lived in a system that guaranteed the basic necessities of life, we would not have to fear losing them. We would not have to depend on abusing others to guarantee them , and we would not live in a world where only those who are born into rich families enjoy financial security.

     Investigate Desteni (www.desteni.co.za) to lean how to re-program yourself so that you may become effective as well, so that you can be a part of the change. Take it one day at a time. (My video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21CsEbsynM0)

    And so, as I take it one day at a time, through self-forgiveness I release my past memories which limit me. Below is an example of how we at Desteni systematically use the tools we learn to work on areas of our lives that we want to improve. See how it is done, it is not scary, it's just not something we're not used to. We chose a specific point, look into it, understand where it comes from, then peel back the layers to reveal how it has taken power over us to direct us instead of directing ourselves. The 'points' as we call them, are mostly just average everyday things, patterns and habits we've developed over time which are not serving any purpose but to hold us back in life. For example, the following point I am working out starts simply with 'getting up in the morning'. I started here because I realized that I don't have enough time during the day to do all I wish to do. If I get up earlier, I can do more. I've never been particularly good at getting up when I don't have to go to work or school, you know, just getting up for me, so that I can enjoy the morning and do some writing, work on some more points. The reason I am so dedicated to doing this is because, once you realize how freeing and empowering it is to write your way through any problem or issue you chose, you want to eliminate them all! Why wouldn't you? That's why I write. So back to what /i am currently doing: to develop the skills of structure, discipline and time management, starting with 'waking up':

(from my journal):



-For today, I’m going to do sf on getting up in the mornings because this will give me more control over my schedule, and if I get up earlier I will have more time to write and do schoolwork and also have time to enjoy myself and live:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist getting up in the mornings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to succumb to the feeling of being tired in the morning.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my mind to pile stresses on me upon waking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe those ‘stresses’ carry weight, they only effect me as much as I allow them to, when in fact, they are not even real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest thoughts charged with ‘stress’ energy which then feel ‘heavy’ like they are ‘weighing me down.’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pursue my mind when it manifests stressful thoughts upon waking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my thoughts in the mornings, as soon as I wake up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself in the mornings at the start of a new day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing and walking with another being.
In this, I allow myself to simply stop, and breathe in the mornings, remaining present, aware in the moment, feeling the comfort of my bed and blankets, breathing the fresh air, and getting up within and as breath .
I allow myself to get up and face myself by not going into the mind by participating in thoughts, and instead to accept myself unconditionally in forgiveness so that I may face another day.
Time Management:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lost in the material and writing that I must do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like my obligations are whizzing by me at high speeds while I lag behind in slow motion.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself as ‘in slow motion’ when I think, perceive or believe that I cannot motivate myself or move myself effectively.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that I require motivation to move myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be less than who I really am by thinking, believing or perceiving that I require motivation to move myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, perceive or believe that I require energy to move myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I require participation in my thoughts to move myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid writing myself out by doing other things first. Self always comes first, as this is my platform to stand on and be able t help assist and support others, and to assist and support in stopping .
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to myself by doing other things before I write myself out, which usually doesn’t leave me enough time to write myself out properly.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to fully realize the importance of writing myself out by thinking, believing or perceiving that doing other activities is equally important; self first. Self=#1 priority.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed when I have spare time, because I think of everything I have to do all at once. One thing at a time, according to priority, will get it all done in time. There is no rush, process is about slowing down. I allow myself to slow myself down so that I may Stop, then, and only then will I be able to direct myself effectively.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel overwhelmed by my work or responsibilities, thinking, believing or perceiving that I can’t keep up with the others, or that I can’t keep up with where I ‘should be,’ according to my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel overwhelmed by my responsibilities because I am comparing myself to others who I perceive as ‘more effective’ than me, or even ‘more effective than I’ll ever be’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel overwhelmed by my responsibilities because I hang on to past memories of being overwhelmed to the point of falling, to the memories of past failures, and believe them to still be with me, waiting for me to repeat them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I don’t think to the point of overwhelmedness, I will fail.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I if I simply think about my ‘problems’ without action I will solve them and they will go away.
I forgive myself foe accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I don’t think about my ‘problems’ they will stay with me and grow and fester and drag me down forever. As long as I act daily, and do what needs to be done, I will get it all done, no thought required other than practical functioning in the moment.

     
I realize that many of my time-management problems stem from the feeling of ‘being overwhelmed.’ ‘Overwhelmed’ to me is defined as the world moving so fast while I lag behind, unable to catch up and thus feeling helpless.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive the world is moving so fast, leaving me behind unable to catch up. This is the perception of my mind, process is about slowing down so that I can make my own speed, which will be my optimal potential without mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as ‘left behind’ instead of standing and facing myself, stopping my mind and the patterns and habits which I allow to take my time and slow me down.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into patterns and habits which waste my time, instead of applying me in every moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe, think or perceive that I can just ‘do everything’ all at once, ‘everything’ being all those things I have not done, procrastinated on, avoided and not faced, which then come back to ‘haunt’ me, so to speak, in that they sabotage my progress/process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by bringing back the memories of all the times I’ve fallen, not moved myself effectively, abdicated responsibility and avoided writing etc... thus manifesting the experience of being ‘overwhelmed’ and ‘helpless’, creating the idea that I can now just ‘do it all’ to catch up, then manifesting the polarity of ‘I can’t do anything.’ This is not so. The only way to move is to slow down, do one thing at a time, to write consistently and effectively and accumulate the self-trust and stability I require. “The keys are my key.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can ‘just do it all,’ in terms of my responsibilities in life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I ‘can’t do anything’ in terms of my responsibilities in life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that there exists a moment when ‘it is all done.’ A time where I will have no responsibilities because I have done everything and now I can just sit back and enjoy,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive responsibilities as work, and no responsibility as ‘no work.’ “Work’ and ‘not work’ are polarities of the mind, and what matters is who I am within what I am doing. So if I am of no mind, then I am simply Here, not worried, tired or anxious. I am effective in doing what I need to do, one thing at a time until it is done. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the only way to achieve this kind of peace is by not having work, and not having responsibilities.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the polarity of ‘work’ and ‘no work.’
I allow myself to embrace my responsibilities, so to speak, being one and equal within and as them, directing them according to what’s best for all.
I allow myself let go of past memories of failure and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on these past memories.
I allow myself to be a blank slate, without judgment, so that I may begin anew in every moment.

Memories:
Being so ’overwhelmed’ which manifests ‘fear’ and ‘helplessness’, possessing me to the point where I cannot focus, the voices in my head are so loud I can’t read or absorb information without following my thoughts. Mostly thoughts of failure (and the polarity as thoughts of doing really well, which inevitably lead back to fear of failure). When this happens I feel ‘helpless’ to do anything about it, thus creating ‘fear’ that I’ll never get out of it, get it done or not do it well.
It’s interesting because this experience rarely happens to me in actuality. It has happened  a few times in the past, and I can see how my mind has taken those few ‘extreme’ moments/experiences and continuously brings them back up to scare me with, keeping me in constant fear (of failure).
Failure:
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts of failure, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure. Also, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what others would think of me if I fail, especially my father.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my father. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgment of my father.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on my self-judgments that I project through my father.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my father’s opinion of me defines who I am (my opinion of myself).
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my father determines whether or not I have failed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need my father’s approval or validation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility by believing I require the approval and validation of another.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend time acting in ways to gain validation, speaking in ways or about things to gain approval and validation, or thinking thoughts to gain the inner experience of approval or validation. This is manipulation, it is self-dishonest, and it does not serve me. I stop. Delete.
I am my own being. I apply myself for myself, by myself. I approve of myself. I validate myself. I stand alone.
Doing really well:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about ‘doing really well at something and charging the thought with a positive feeling charge (thus guaranteeing the polar opposite experience).
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a positive feeling charge thus creating polarity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about doing really well and receiving approval, praise and recognition for my talents.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from approval, praise and recognition for my talents.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire approval and recognition.
I allow myself to approve of myself, recognize my  talents which I may utilize to become more effective, and I give myself praise for my accomplishments thus far.

The three main thoughts connected to ‘overwhelmed’ at the moment are;
 When I was trying to study for exams and I became possessed over and over to the point where I could not study, and I felt I had no control.
When I had time off and wanted to ‘do everything to catch up’ with my process/desteni work’
When I have had bills due and no money to pay them, which usually leads to thoughts of my future and fear of not having enough money. This hasn’t happened in years, but I hold on to the memories of the time when it did. This is unacceptable; I delete this memory immediately as it does not serve me in any way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry around these memories, charging them with emotional energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use these emotionally charged memories to sabotage me, my studies and my process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fooled by the mind by believing these memories are valid, and pursuing them as they come up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not pursuing these memories, as if I will be ‘missing something important’ if I do not participate in them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my thoughts are important, especially the overwhelming ones.
 I delete all these memories in this moment, I allow myself to let them go, they are not who I am, they are useless and they are not real because they are not Here except in my mind. Therefore I can stop giving them weight/validation/directive over me as I delete them in this moment.


                Usually the thought that triggers my experience of ‘overwhelmed’ is the thought that other students or desteni members are doing amounts of work that I can’t imagine. They do so much as I struggle to do the bare minimum. Then I feel like I just want to do everything all at once to ‘catch up’ to them. So here I have to stop, identify this trigger thought when it happens, and not pursue it.

                Common sense tells me that the experience of ‘overwhelmed’ only creates stress, which makes me less effective, manifests fear, makes it harder to face myself and actually manifests that which is overwhelming me. So if I don’t pursue these thoughts and instead stop and not believe t thoughts are real. In this, I can do one thing at a time, and realize that other desteni members only got to where they are through effective application and the accumulative effect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pursue the thought of not being ‘as able’ as others,
thus manifesting the experience of myself as ‘overwhelmed,’ making me less effective.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself and my effectiveness to that of others and then judging myself based on that comparison.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that because I can’t fathom doing as much as they do, I will never be able to do it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on my limited projections and imagination to determine what I will be capable of, instead of living in the moment, doing what I can
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine myself ‘not being able to do it.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be unable. I am able.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as unable to ‘keep up.’ I can keep up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, perceive or believe myself to be slow, or slow moving.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, perceive or believe that tasks take too long, wherein I end up rushing through them and not doing them fully or not ding them well or thoroughly.
I allow myself to take my time with each task I take on.
I allow myself to give myself enough time to accomplish the task at hand, thoroughly and fully.
I allow myself to slow myself down so that I do tasks well, an not rushed or half-assed.

How I see myself through my father:
When I’m around my dad I feel ugly, disorganized and immature. This has nothing to do with him, obviously, but how I chose to define myself through him based on a couple of memories wherein I experienced myself a certain way.
The first one is when I was about 9, I was a ‘tomboy,’ we stopped at a gas station and I had to use the restroom. The gas station attendant handed me the key for the boy’s room instead of the girl’s room. I felt humiliated and ugly in front of my dad.
Ugly:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive myself as ugly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and define myself as ugly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel humiliated because a being thoughts I looked like a boy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel humiliated because a being thought I looked like a boy in front of my dad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed because a being thought I looked like a boy in front of my dad.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept the way I looked.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the way I looked.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define who I was in that moment based on the way I looked.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept myself unconditionally regardless of the way I look.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, perceive or believe myself to be beautiful.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and define myself as beautiful
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  judge others as ugly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as beautiful.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the poicture-image I see with my physical human eyes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my thoughs as judgments of myself and others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my thoughts as judgments of myself and others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by my thoughts as judgments of myself and others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge my thoughts of beauty with a positive energetic charge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that those that I’ve judged as more beautiful are better.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge thoughts of ugly with a negative energetic charge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that those who I’ve judged as ugly are less-than.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be ‘better-than’ when I judge myself as beautiful.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be ‘less-than’ when I judge myself as ugly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate on the polarity of beautiful-ugly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the ‘better-than’ –‘less-than’ polarity.
Disorganized:
I live and experience the definition of this term with regards to school and responsibilities. I was never a ‘good student’ and I had no drive to do well at school. My parents were at a loss for what to do about it, and my dad would try to help me. One time he got frustrated and yelled at me. I don’t remember what he said but I chose in that moment to experience myself as if there were something wrong with me. I experience this as disorganized because I was simply unable to get my work done, keep my room clean or be organized in any way. I didn’t care and i didn’t know how, I just wanted to have fun and play.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was incapable of being organized and effective when I simply did not know how, i did not have the tools to know how to take care of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I couldn’t live up to what was expected of me from others when I didn’t know how to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on the expectations of others.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize myself and to stand in moments where I felt judged.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my parents knew who I was better than I did.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my self-definition to be based on the reaction of others towards me instead of accepting myself unconditionally as life, equal and one.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my self-definition of myself to stop me from moving myself or effectively changing myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the self-definition of myself which is based on the reactions of others toward me as an excuse to not move or change myself, but rather to do nothing but accept and allow the systems in me, and the world systems as they are, instead of standing for myself, as myself unconditionally, and stopping.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by imposing self-definitions upon myself which I believe to be real, or to be who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am the self-definitions I impose upon myself.
I allow myself to stop, to stop defining myself and using excuses as to why I don’t change. I allow myself to change and to stand as myself within and as life unconditionally, equal and one.
I allow myself to exist Here, without the limitations of self-definition.
I allow myself to move myself to be organized, as  slow down and do what is necessary to be done.
Immature:
The memories I have associated to the experience of being immature within myself are mainly when I try to prove to my dad that I am mature, but in doing that from a starting point of ‘trying to prove something’ I always end up failing. Or in his attempt to make sure I’m doing something properly, he’ll point out what I’ve missed, which I interpret as him not ‘being convinced’ that  am in fact mature and capable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prove my maturity to another without first living it and becoming it, thus only proving to myself that I am not it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that others need to think, believe or perceive me to be mature in order for me to actually be mature, instead of taking the necessary steps to be a mature, responsible person.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I am in fact a mature and responsible person, I don’t need to prove such, because in actually living it, it will be apparent (a parent) to me. In actual living application, I will be a parent to myself as I teach myself how to be mature, responsible and effective,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on how others view me to form a view of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate others to view me a certain way, instead of actually becoming that which I desire to be. I desire to be an effective, responsible and mature person who stands as life, because in being these things I will be able to move myself to stand with the group to stop and change the current path we are on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to prove anything to anybody but myself.
                So, I delete the specific memories of: being mistaken for a boy at the gas station in front of my dad, my dad getting frustrated and yelling at me in the hallway, and my dad calling me out on being irresponsible. Therefore I delete all the associate thoughts, feeling and emotions that I have carried within these memories, as well as the self-judgment and self-definition that I have believed because of them. I delete this all right now, and no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by past memories and the thoughts, feelings and emotions that I associate with them.



I feel the grip of pms coming on. What I am feeling anxious about is the fact that I didn’t do anything desteni-related yesterday. I had company over and took the day off because I forgot my computer in the room where they were sleeping. It’s not such a big deal, obviously I can catch up... but I realize the importance of the consistent daily application required to effectively change and accumulate the self-trust and self-will required to actually do it. I also realize how easy it would have been to set aside an hour or so for myself, just to do the bare minimum for myself. Also, I kept telling myself to get my computer and put it in my room so I could write at night, but I just didn’t move myself to do it in the moment, I kept putting it off thinking that I would remember... then it was too late. I guess I could have gone in and gotten it, but the best thing would have been to prepare myself better, and to have adapted accordingly to the circumstances to allow myself to be able to do my work.
                So this self-forgiveness will focus on the emotions I manifest when I feel like I’m ‘falling behind.’ I get to a point where I use that as an excuse to not keep up, because I build it up to a point where I feel like ‘now there’s just too much to do.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to grow anxious about ‘not doing enough’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the initial thought of falling behind on my self-responsibilities (of writing, specifically in this case) and then following that thought, allowing it to grow into a feeling of ‘overwhelmingness,’ wherein I feel like I’m going to fall behind forever and be helpless to catch up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow and believe my thoughts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my thoughts direct my experience of who I am in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my emotions of ‘overwhelmed’ and helpless’ possess me and direct who I am in the moment.
I forgive myself  for not accepting and allowing myself to direct myself in every moment, and instead react to my thoughts and emotions, accepting and allowing these reactions to direct me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lack the discipline to write yesterday because of lack of self-will and self-movement.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use a houseguest as an excuse to not write yesterday.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel overwhelmed because I didn’t write yesterday and use that feeling as an excuse to not direct myself today.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the fear of judgment of others to not write.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest anxiety as a reaction to feeling overwhelmed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience my ‘overwhelmedness’ as more intense because I believe I’m more sensitive due to PMS.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my belief that I am emotional/sensitive/reactive during PMS.

It’s possible the ‘overwhelmed’ experience originated from the phone conversation I had with my mom this morning, because we talked about the future and my future plans. Thinking about the future often sends me down a thought-path which ends up in me feeling overwhelmed and helpless, because my future is unsure/unknown, as is everybody’s future. I forget that all that exists is right now, and that I can take steps to help ensure my emotional stability right now through writing. It’s like this little seed was subconsciously planted within me, a little anxiety after that phone conversation, and I carried it around as a little feeling wich I fed throughout the day, not knowing what it was or how it got there. I realize it now, and had I realized it in the moment I would have stopped it immediately, but instead, I let it grow to the point where I experienced myself as ‘overwhelmed’ ‘anxious’ and ‘helpless.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have fallen into old thought patterns during my conversation with my mom.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can plan my whole future in one moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious and overwhelmed when I realize that I cannot plan my future in one moment, and that instead I must apply myself in this moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to some future date or time, instead of taking self-responsibility now, being who I plan to be now, instead of imagining myself to be changed and effective with my shit together at some other time, some imaginary future where I will be ‘fixed’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the belief that I hold as the idea of ‘my future’ and react to that fear within anxiety and helplessness in the present moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to my fear of the future/the unknown.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future/unknown because I can’t plan on it and I have no control over it because it is just an idea, a mind game. All I can control is who I am in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bottle up anxiety and discomfort from my phone conversation, instead of breathing through it and remaining present as breath.