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Monday, March 21, 2011

Day 2- Deception

March 20, 2011
 In the morning, sometimes when I wake up there’s a moment before I become aware that I was just sleeping and am now awake where I experience a comfortable nothingness. This morning as I became aware of being awake I immediately did not want to face the day. I experienced this as feeling extremely tired with a touch of dread. I immediately thought of process and I breathed “I am here”. My mind told me “if you get up now, feeling like this, you will feel like this all day”, and, “sleep some more and you will feel better”. I lay there for half an hour in a light sleep thinking:
I know that it doesn’t matter how I feel during the day, that I cannot escape ‘feeling bad’ through sleep, and that self-forgiveness and breath get me through it.
I know that more sleep is not the answer. I see how sleep can be utilized as an escape. I must get up and face the day.
But as I lay there it is as if my mind was working in fast forward, pilling my baggage back on to me before I could realize it isn’t real, so that by the time my head lifts off the pillow, I am already heavy with the reality of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wake up and go immediately in to the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wake up and immediately not want to face me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought that I can’t face myself today, I realize I have no choice. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that facing myself is a daunting task, which is the same feeling I manifest connected to thoughts about the paper I’m writing, which I knew I would be working on all day. I have already forgiven myself about this point, I see the thoughts and the feelings I manifest along with them, I see how they do not serve me, and I stop my participation within them. Today I did what I could, I pushed myself, tomorrow I will push through the resistances, I will get this done.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape in to sleep, or to utilize sleep as an escape, feeling temporarily freed from the experience of myself, and choosing to pursue that experience of fleeing myself instead of facing myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face myself, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face myself in every moment. The present moment is all there is, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed by the idea of facing all that I am. I face myself in the moment, one moment at a time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I get up while I’m still tired, that I will feel that way all day.
Some SF on things that are coming up right now:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat another in ways that would devastate me, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts about others that are abusive in nature, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my thoughts have nothing to do with others, and are purely about me and who I am in relation to that person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in events in the physical which are based on the pursuit of energetic feelings I manifested in my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value in these pursuits, especially when these pursuits are secrets and would change the way others saw me if they knew.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that having a secret mind and a secret life make me special.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose energetic charges over my principles. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value my mind over life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend to be so naïve that I can deceive myself.
But even as I write these words I can feel inside me that I want to go off and do whatever it is that I want to do, to selfishly do whatever pleases me. I feel resentment that I have not allowed myself to be myself, that I’ve played so many different roles for others and in doing that I have suppressed myself, neglected myself and suffocated myself to the point where I have acted out in complete and utter self-interest. I have justified that self-interest through the belief that I deserve to do ‘something for me’ because I spend all my life being ‘someone for others’.
“I can be the perfect daughter, to your face. But behind your back I’m going to do whatever the hell I want. I’ll lie, cheat and steal and get what I want behind your back. You want the perfect girlfriend? I can give you that. But when you’re not around I will go after other guys, continue seeking the thrill of the chase, and then look you in the eyes and lie to your face about who I am.”
I thought it didn’t matter. I thought who I was had no consequence, as long as others believed me to be a certain way. I believed that was all that mattered because if they believed it that would be their experience and they would be happy. I would be making them happy by pretending to be someone I was not, while at the same time, pursuing my own demons thinking it was going to make me happy. No harm, as long as no one found out.
But now I find out there is harm in doing this. I played a role for everyone, whatever role they wanted. I became good at sensing what a person wanted out of me, and I gave that to them. At first it was like a game I was learning how to play, but eventually I became a slave to it.
Then I started to see others as abusive to me because they did not see through my act. I saw them as foolish for believing me and therefore not deserving of my respect. I believed them to be nothing because of what they have done to me and allowed me to do to them. But I have done it to myself. And there’s no getting it back now. What’s done is done, I can’t get that back. I can’t believe what I‘ve done to myself. I knew I was doing it.  I can’t believe I never stopped myself, I never believed I was more than that, I believed myself to be nothing, and now here I am, looking back at what I’ve created, and I so don’t want to admit it and face it that I’d rather just continue to do it. I’d rather just shut my eyes tight and ignore the truth of myself. I’m sitting here feeling as though I cannot face myself. I would not survive facing what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, or not become.  I believe I cannot face myself because I believe myself to be only that, and I have not realized myself as life, because I do not believe myself to be life. It is so horrible and terrible and wonderful all at the same time.
I understand how to forgive myself for this, but I feel as though I owe something to the people in my life who I deceived.
  But I can’t go back and fix all my mistakes; all I have is this moment. All I can do is forgive myself of my past and let it go so that I can change and be honest within my current relationships, and not continue my patterns of deception.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be special. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not have to face myself, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be exempt from this process because I am somehow special and not involved in this whole mind possession thing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my own deception, that I am this perfect being who makes people happy. I am not that, I am me, regardless of people’s reactions to me. I am stable; I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, for picking myself apart and finding every little imperfection and blowing it out of proportion.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel it is my job to ‘make people happy’, I only ever end up hurting them in the end, when I can’t keep it up and I leave their lives.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abandoned myself. I have always been here, I just didn’t realize it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have deceived many people in my world, only to abandon them in the end.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the perfect roles, to have spent so much time perfecting these perfect roles, all the while suppressing myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have suppressed, neglected, suffocated, and starved myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have given up on myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was worth nothing because I was not real. “I have worth because I breathe” because I am here, because I am life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have deceived others because I believed I was making them happy, when in reality I was only making myself happy by reflecting myself back to myself through their reactions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use others in this way, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon these people when the act grew tiresome, tossing them from my life as if they were nothing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to devalue life in this way, thus devaluing myself as life. I am one with everyone I deceived, therefore I have deceived myself. I have abused myself the most through this deception, and tossed myself aside as if I were nothing, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do this to myself, as one with life as myself as others in my world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a slave to my need for people to react positively to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for this enslavement of myself.
I am here.

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