Before I continue with "self-image and fear of others" I have to clear a few things up from my last entry.
Sometimes think people think I look old. It’s because for a long time I was always youngest one. Youngest in my family, I usually hung out with older people, had older boyfriends mostly. At my jobs I was usually the same age or younger than my coworkers, and then I got a job at a bar where I was the youngest by about 15 years and I worked there for 3 years, which was long enough to make an impression.
In this I'm still getting a slight reaction of energy, it's a positive energetic desire wherein I feel that I still have enough youth about me to hang on to the power I perceive comes with it.
I also get the reaction of 'proud' of who I was back then, because I defined myself as 'mature' and confirmed it to myself by getting along with people who were older than me. I still define myself this way.
Also, I feel reminiscent of the perceived power I believed I had, like 'those were the days'... the days when I wasn't taking responsibility for myself!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be youthful and remain youthful, in this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project an image of myself into the past wherein I was youthful and powerful and valuable. The truth is, I never felt that way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as youthful with the belief that that youth gives me more value/power in the world. We are all in this together. I am in this with the group, I do not want to separate myself from the group by believing I have more power or value than some. I respect and value everybody as I do myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from youth, turning it in to an idea by which I define myself. I am one with youthfulness and enjoy being youthful in moments when it arises.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe when I loose that youth I will also lose the perceived value and power I have associated with it.
Nothing of beliefs can take away from who I am without my permission, and I do not allow it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear aging, in this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project a future definition of myself as older with less value/power, wherein I allow myself to fear it. I am here now, standing in self-honesty and without self-judgment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as mature, which I know is a polarity reaction of the experience of myself as feeling immature a lot of the time around friends and family so,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as being immature and I release myself from holding on to this definition of myself from the past. It no longer applies, it never applied and it does not serve me in any way now.
Throughout my life and especially at that bar, I associated being young with having some kind of upper hand. At that bar older men would flirt with me behind their wives backs, or guys would give me their numbers while their girlfriend’s were in the bathroom for example. Little things like this that led me to slowly allow myself to separate myself from those women and pity them because I could ‘steal their man away’ if I wanted, just because I was young and they were older. This, to me, was power.
I sense narration here, this story was not told objectively, I was creating and defining myself here.
I'm getting little 'happy' pangs from my self-definition of being that 'seductress who can steal your man away'.
The truth is I was doing everything in my power to get that reaction from those men. It's not something that 'just happened' although I pretended it did in which case I am fooling myself by believing I was so tempting that they couldn't resist me, knowing full well that I was completely manipulating and creating the belief of this experience for myself.
I became very good at it, because when I didn't get that reaction from men I felt totally worthless and powerless. In past sf I found my connection of beauty/youth/seduction to survival, wherein I felt I needed to seduce a man to come and provide for me so that I can ensure my survival in the world. So if I didn't have that power I felt insecure about my future. So from that starting point, my life depended on my ability to attract men.
So my question to myself is: why didn't I feel I could provide for myself?
My answer is: because I was not self-responsible and I wanted to remain that way. I didn't want to face myself and I was scared to death of that possibility.
I still need to get to the bottom of when and how I came to the belief that I required beauty for this worth and validation and therefore for survival in the world. The survival of my mind... hmmm.
It's a polarity.
I think, because I had that early childhood experience where I associated my experience of being ostracized and picked on with being ugly because of what that little girl said about me being the ugliest girl in class....
it was like a real energetic experience which my mind used as a starting point in energy for its survival. Because I reacted so emotionally and believed the experience to be real and to be who I was. I was actually programming myself for a lifetime of always trying to be the opposite of ugly so that I would never have to feel that bad again.
Fear. It always seems to come back to fear.
I don't know for sure if I have this, there isn't the clarity necessary here, but a good start. So I will continue.
When I talk about seduction I don't mean only always sexual seduction. I also include intellectual, emotional and energetic seduction and of both men and women.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe if I can seduce men I can survive in the world and vice versa, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe if I can't seduce I wont survive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I cannot survive on my own in the world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as 'one who has the power to seduce' in a way where I'm willing to use it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be willing to attempt seduction knowing full well it is abusive to both myself and the other.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny myself honesty within relationships.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define men as providers and women as provided for.
I take self-responsibility for my actions around others, making sure I do not manipulate them into energy/energetic reactions or desires. I stop this.
I am aware of the fact that around almost anybody I will go in to the reaction of wanting to seduce them in some way, whether it be trying to get them to like me, to want to sleep with me, to want to share/be friends with me etc....
Kim, this is going to happen a lot, be aware. Breathe through it, stop it.
I remember thinking to myself when I was younger that I couldn’t think of any reason why my family loved me, and why they ‘kept’ me and protected me, supported me, fed me and went through all the motions of loving me. I wondered: why does my family love me? I deduced that it was because of blood, because I was a part of the family, they loved me because they had to because those were the rules.
I didn’t understand why my family loved me because I didn’t share my inner self with them, therefore they didn’t know me. Also because I was supposed to look like a girl but I looked like a boy, I wasn’t very good at school but my sister was, I didn’t do my chores because I knew I could get away with it although my parents would get mad at me and I would be upset and take it personally. I didn’t have any morals so I would lie all the time and steal and cheat and cut corners whenever I could and I didn’t take responsibility for anything.
This story contains self-pity. What I wrote here is truth, in a way, in that I did perceive myself to have experienced life this way, feeling unwanted and unloved and whatnot... but this re-telling of my past in self-pity stops here. I don't need to define myself by this story anymore. It happened, it sucked, it's done and over now, There's no need for me to carry this around believing it to still have an effect on me.
Especially now, since desteni my relationships are changing, updating so to speak. Especially with my parents which is so cool, because I am taking responsibility for the fact that all this experience was sef-created, I have no more use for keeping it, using it to blame anyone and having it 'at the ready' to use to pity myself to get attention and consolation when I'm feeling vulnerable.
Besides, I feel less vulnerable as I shed these deceptive behaviours, because I have less and less fear of being called out on it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use self-pity to manipulate others to comfort and console me when I feel vulnerable.
In self-honesty, I can't rely on others to pick me up when I'm down and give me strength when I feel weak. Those are my footprints alone in the sand, it is I who am carrying god during hard times...bastard.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use self-pity to justify my self-definition of being weak and worthless, and just to cover the obvious polarity here, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be special and all-powerful.
I accept that I am here and have worth, which means I have no excuse to not take responsibility for my experience of myself from now on. This implies I act in self-honesty, treating others as I would want to be treated, keeping in mind what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to define myself based on my stories from my past.
I'm not that person anymore, so, now it's time to let that go and concentrate on forgiving myself for all that I have accepted and allowed to accumulate as me over all those years of living unaware, in self-dishonesty and without ever taking any kind of self-responsibility.
When I read this over I’m disgusted with the kind of child I was, and I’m pretty sure I was disgusted with it at the time too. Regardless of how it got that way, I am going to take responsibility for it, but not tonight.
2:20am, time to drop it for now.
Of course I am disgusted, children in this system are disgusting little creatures by about the age of 3. I observe it all the time. They are spoiled, inconsiderate, immoral and selfish little emotional brats most of the time. I also observe how we create and perpetuate this because nobody knows how to actually raise children in a way that supports who they really are, or how to teach them actual consideration.
So yes, I was exactly what I claimed I was, but I do not judge myself in disgust because I understand now that I was the result of the deception of humanity like everybody else and nobody knew better. What's done is done. There is only stopping and correction now.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in disgust for the type of child I was.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as self-disgust.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have lived as self-disgust as a child, and instead of correcting myself and taking responsibility, I continued on in the self-disgust.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hang on to that experience in the belief that it's the only option, I know now it is not, and I release myself from this definition of disgust that I have been carrying around. It does not serve me and it is not valid as me because I do not validate it anymore.
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