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Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Self-Check

Where am I now?
Clarifying points of fear, doom, despair, toil and struggle.

I feel fear, doom and despair. I know that I have not yet really pushed through a tough point, and the thought of doing so gives me the physical sensation of toil and struggle. I feel as though there is some kind of thick sludge flowing through me, slowing me down to a stop, and then I get sick. And I fear getting sick because that is the physical manifestation of the belief that I just can’t do it. I feel as though effort sucks the life out of me until I’m physically incapable of doing anything except lie in bed, sick. And then I can rest. That’s my escape. I let things compound until I believe they become bigger than me and they overpower me.
                But then I realize that I don’t have to participate in the feelings of fear, doom, despair, toil and struggle. And that I can take it a step further by forgiving myself along the way so that I do not compound energy which always and inevitably leads back to these points. How many times will I allow myself to do this to myself before I change?
                Knowing that I have to change leads me to feel these things because I know I will have to face myself, and I don’t know what I’m going to find out about myself. Fear of the unknown. I’m scared of what demons lurk inside me.  I’ve always defined myself as a good person with good intentions, but I know I am as blind and self-interested as we have all been. I have not faced any consequences for what I have accepted and allowed myself to get away with in this life. That is not even considering the participation in things that I’m not yet aware of, how my actions have affected everyone in the world, my connection to everything including all the suffering and starvation, the fact that I’ve accepted and allowed terrible atrocities to exist and take place in my name.    
                But self first, so that I have a self to stand with.  I’m writing to unravel and release myself of the feelings of toil and struggle that I allow to manifest in myself when I have to motivate myself, and the sensation of fear, doom and despair when I know it’s time to change.
Why am I doing this?
                So that I can release myself from this prison that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as.
                So that I am no longer a slave to the thoughts, feelings and emotions that I have allowed to direct me as who I am.
                So that I can realize my full potential within the limitations of the physical, as equal and one with everything that is here, until I stand as the living statement of equality, so I can work together with a group of dedicated, self-honest people to put an end to what is currently taking place in our physical reality.
                So that I can assist and support others to realize themselves as equal as well, and in turn accept and allow others to assist and support me as I assist and support myself through a process that we are all currently involved in as individuals yet together as one.
Self-forgiveness
Motivation:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the energetic reactions of toil and struggle when I realize I have to motivate myself.
I do not accept and allow myself to participate in these energetic reactions. When they come up, I stop myself, breathe, and move on in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot move myself to do things that I believe are hard and that I do not want to do.
Nothing is ‘easy’ or ‘hard’, these are sensations I create through judgments based on pre-programmed patterns and beliefs. I refuse to allow these judgments to affect me here, nor to direct me here, as I direct myself through breath in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is something wrong or inadequate about me that renders me incapable of taking the responsibility of moving myself to get tasks done.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, negatively or positively, or compare myself to others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others, making myself feel better in moments of perceived weakness, insecurity or inferiority. Or to make myself feel bad or less than, due to my pre=programmed thought patterns.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others through this judgment, constantly ranking myself and them, consequently limiting myself, abusing myself and others.
We are one and equal, equal and one.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project in to the future and then become overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do (namely with school).
I stop myself from participation in projections which open me up for mindfucks, allowing stress, anxiety and fear of future events affect who I am now, in the present moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that as a student I am not as smart or as able as my peers.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some are more intelligent than others, when in actuality, we have all just programmed ourselves differently in a pre-programmed system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others, thus judging myself through them, as them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge some as smart and others as not smart.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as smart or not smart.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself, allowing myself to judge myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the polarity of smart and not smart.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge ‘smart’ as ‘good’ and ‘not smart’ as ‘bad’ or ‘dumb’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge some as smart or super smart, believing that this is something that is out of my grasp or that this is an unattainable standard for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself, believing myself to be unable to achieve certain standards of academic performance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself, or grow frustrated because I’ve allowed myself to believe I cannot understand certain subjects or complicated concepts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe there are certain subjects or concepts I cannot understand.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on trying to understand things because I’ve grown frustrated or manifested the experience of pity and self-doubt within myself allowing myself to believe I cannot do it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot do well at school.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a positive energetic charge when I do well at school.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a negative energetic charge when I don’t do well at school.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ student.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a student.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being a student as a ‘good’ thing.        
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the idea of the institution of education.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view the academic sphere or institution as big and official and daunting.                
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe academia is bigger than me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I don’t belong in an academic setting.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I’m not smart enough to go to university.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I’m fooling myself and everybody else by going back to school.
I am one with school and all the information and assignments; I live them as the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not apply myself at school because I saw/see it as boring and pointless.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not apply myself at school, which put me in the position of not understanding the material.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the material being taught at school as being boring and pointless, instead of being one and equal to it and learning it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself in the position of not understanding the material, and instead of deciding to learn, giving up and believing I am incapable of learning.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as incapable of doing well at school.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overcome by the sensations of boredom and dread instead of breathing in the moment and doing my schoolwork which I could have done.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry, frustrated and upset with myself when I project into the past about the type of student I was.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project in to the past and dredge up past definitions and feelings I had about myself and applying them to myself in the present.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to appease myself by not doing my work to avoid the negative feelings I would get by doing it, because I never actually applied myself, and when I did, it was usually too little, too late, thus confirming to myself that I am incapable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have never actually applied myself at anything.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I was not a poor student or a slow child, but that I had allowed myself to define myself as one because I never put myself out and tried.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a slow and dull student.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my teacher’s definitions of who I was and what I was capable of.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate on doing schoolwork. When I procrastinate I build up stress which I use as a motivator, but then when new things come up, I fear the very stress I know I will manifest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the stress I am constantly manifesting, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that stress is who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my parents definitions of who I was/am and what I was/am capable of.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as forgetful, disorganized and aloof.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my friend’s parents definitions of who I was and what I was capable of.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a ‘bad’ influence on the friends in my world. Conversely, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a ‘good’ influence on the people in my world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project these feelings about myself on to these individuals, thus reflecting these definitions of myself back to myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and limit myself based on these definitions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the self-judgment and limiting definitions I have made for myself and reflected back to myself through the individuals in my world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue accepting and allowing myself to believe and be limited by other’s definitions of me. This stops here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the reflection of myself that I see in the individuals in my world, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept this reflection as myself, therefore not accepting me to see myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear seeing myself.
My world is my mirror; I correct myself in every moment of breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not grown up enough or adult enough to take responsibility for myself and my actions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that becoming “adult’ or ‘grown up’ is becoming like the adults and grown-ups in my world, and that not taking responsibility is like not having to grow up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I take responsibility I will lose my youth and youthfulness and become stale and boring and dead.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being adult for fear of becoming stale and boring and dead, having forgotten how to live. I realize I have never actually lived.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the adults and grown-ups in my world and judging them as stale and boring and dead.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate taking responsibility with becoming stale, boring and dead. Taking responsibility for my actions, and forgiving myself of everything I have accepted and allowed, brings me here, the only place I can live.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing parts of myself to become stale and boring and dead.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need stress to move myself. I direct myself and move myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the stress I cause myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cause myself stress every time I have something due.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project in to the future when I have something due, setting myself up for stress, instead of taking the first step towards completion before the stress begins.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need stress to work efficiently.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not apply myself, or feel like I can’t focus when I’m not stressed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that focus and motivation are not things I can direct within and as myself. With breath and self-forgiveness, I can focus and motivate myself, I have already experienced this and the more I do it the more I will do it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed by the stress I manifest, believing it to be too great for me to deal with. In breath, nothing is too big or too great to handle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself by manifesting stress in my body. My body is here, equal and one, and I am injecting it with stress with my mind, which is not necessary and which does not benefit me or my physical body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I apply myself. It is a struggle, and it is taking energy from me, causing me to eventually become sick.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear becoming sick and useless.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I direct myself it is difficult and zaps my strength.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can be diminished by applying myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to rest to save energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become dependent on energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am limited by energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I don’t have energy I will be sick.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use being sick as an escape, believing when I’m sick, I can rest. Believing when I rest, I am getting better. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe sleep and rest will make me ‘better’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape in sleep. No amount of rest will make me feel motivated or like I can do anything more than I could do before, I move myself to face and walk through the feelings of lack of energy and lack of motivation, they are merely creations of my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on the feeling of having energy to move myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on feeling motivated to move myself. Motivation is of the mind, it is a thought and a feeling created at the whim of my mind. I refuse to allow my mind to direct me. I direct my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to overdo it when I feel strong and motivated and full of energy, thus manifesting the polarity opposite experience, and becoming weak and ill. I do not participate in polarity, I stabilize myself when I have a positive energetic charge, bringing myself back to the present when I feel ‘high’, bringing myself back to the present when I feel ‘low’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the bad feeling I get when I don’t participate in energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the bad feeling I get when I stop myself from participation of energy, the feeling of withdrawal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I am missing out on something, or losing something when I don’t participate in energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I lose energy when I use it, believing that I only have a certain amount.
Fear, doom and despair.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that fear, doom and despair exist.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in these feelings when I manifest them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that nothing else exist when I manifest these feelings, and that they can stop me from moving myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let these feelings be bigger or more than who I am as life. I am one and equal to fear, doom and despair, and I will not participate in them.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed feelings of fear, doom and despair have an effect on my physical body, for allowing myself to believe myself to feel like I am existing in slow motion.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest the sensation of mud running through my body, slowing me down and causing me to feel as though every movement is a struggle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience life as a struggle instead of existing in breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in the past and future, thus allowing myself to feel bogged down, instead of being here as breath. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bogged down.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in these emotions and feelings I manifest in order to stop me from realizing who I really am, keeping me dependant on the mind, on energy, I no longer participate in this deception, I exist here, now, as life, in breath.
I stand aware in each moment, aware of my mind, and I see how it works, and I do not take part. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest the feelings of fear, doom and despair when I know I have to change. These feeling are not me, they are my mind, reacting to its own end.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have, in the past, believed these feeling to be me, and having been stopped by them, and having allowed myself to not change and to remain in my mind.   
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain in my mind due to the manifested feelings of fear doom and despair I experience when I'm about to change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future out of fear of change, giving my mind the opportunity to manifest the feelings of fear, doom and despair which I then associate with change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe these feelings of fear, doom and despair to be me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved and directed by fear, doom and despair, towards behaviour that diminishes me, instead of directing myself toward and in self-honesty. In self-honesty I move myself to and as equality, manifesting an accumulative effect which brings me here, as me, as self, giving myself a self to stand as, so that I may stand as equality. 
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to change, and I accept and allow myself to change now, I accept and allow myself to forgive myself, to act in self-honesty in ways that are best for all, in all ways, always. 

Friday, February 18, 2011

Self-Forgivenss on presence

"...when I'm not present, here as awareness, I find I will run my fingertips over my skin and if something is not smooth or consistent I feel the incredible need to 'pick' it off my skin, as if it doesn't belong there."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slip in to moments of complete mind possession, to the point where I am not even aware of my own body's movements.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to escape facing my current reality by allowing myself to drift completely into the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I can hide from myself within my mind, and not have to experience "feeling bad".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe 'feeling bad' is something that needs to be avoided and not breathed through and faced in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can avoid myself and what I experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take self-responsibility in the moment, and breathe through the moment, and instead escape to my mind, allowing the moment to compound, thus creating a bigger issue.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'soothe' myself by running my fingers over my skin, believing it calms me down and relieves me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I cannot soothe or calm myself- in being stable and present, facing whatever each moment brings, knowing and trusting myself to remain present and take responsibility for my experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe any experience is too big for me to get through because with self-forgiveness, I can get through anything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that my skin should be a certain way, as in smooth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to believe that my skin is not healthy, or that something is wrong with it if there is an nonuniform texture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge a texture on my skin as bad, and smooth skin as good. Skin is skin, it is living and ever-changing. It is constantly taking care of itself and doing exactly what it needs to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my skin can't take care of itself, and for trying to better my skin by picking off anything I feel is wrong with it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my skin because of a belief I have formed in CONvincing myself I am helping it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my skin can or should be better than it is, or that something can be wrong with it. My skin is just dealing with its daily experience in the most effective way possible, as I should be doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape taking responsibility for dealing with my daily reality, and instead taking it out on my skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for my skin, and for what I've done to it. What's done is done, I am forgiven, now I stop. I stop abusing myself and my skin, who is here as me, supporting me unconditionally in every moment. I, in turn, support myself.

I forgive myself for separating myself from my skin, judging it as something apart from me that is not as good as me or as I feel it should be. In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my skin, which only works 100% of the time to sustain and protect my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to compare my skin to that of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my skin to the skin I see in magazines, which is not real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constantly worry about the state of my health, judging that state based on the appearance of my skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to constantly worry about the state of my skin, believing that I am less-than if I do not have perfect skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view my skin as less than I am, conversely, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view myself as better than my skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be proud of my skin when I judge it as better than others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have perfect beautiful skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe there is some standard of perfect beautiful skin. I realize in this moment that there is no such standard and that I will never feel I have achieved the perfect skin, and that unless I stop, I will continue to abuse myself and my skin through trying to attain a goal that will always be out of reach, because it only exists in my mind, and if I were to attain it, I would no longer have ocd, and I would lose that escape that I have become so dependant on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I should have perfect beautiful skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my skin aging.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have less worth if I have old-looking skin.