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Saturday, December 31, 2011

Self-judgment Creates Inner Hell

I had a really rough time this past week, physically and emotionally. Although my breathing efforts were consistent, I also participated in the mind quite a bit. I had a lot of self-judgment and fear of judgment from my partner.



My body has gone through some changes recently, and I will take the opportunity to realize how self-judgmental I am about my physical appearance/physical state.

This point has been way too important for me my whole life, and I am soooo ready to let it go, only- it’s automated within me. If anything my weight gain has shown me how extensively I am programmed to value physical appearance. How much I have separated myself from my physical body, and the lack of self-acceptance within me, and the lack of self-trust that I will properly care for my physical body.

 I also noticed how I depend on the approval of others to ‘pick me up when I’m down’, and to accept me so I don’t have to accept myself.

Recently I have gained some weight. It’s from a combination of living back with my parents while I’m studying- with three square meals as well as a sedentary student life-style. All I do is sit and study when I’m used to being outside and being active. Now my jeans don’t fit!- lol!

This past week I have spent with my partner who I haven’t seen for about a  month, and all of a sudden my self-judgment was placed right in front of me. I also had pms, as well as some kind of eczema that has been appearing and disappearing on different areas of my body.

I felt fat and disgusting.

I was visiting some family over the past week, so I was reacting to myself within that context as well.



I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that school and other responsibilities are overwhelming, and that I can only do so much, while I abandon everything else, such as exercise and self-enjoyment and enjoying Life. As a result, my physical body has changed, and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge the change as weight gain as disgusting, thus charging it with a negative charge and then reacting to it within fear. When I look at the fear I see fear of a lack of control over aging and over my health, wherein I am projecting into the future all my worst fears of what can happen to me physically, instead of taking it one breath at a time and remaining Here. I also see misplaced values that I have separated myself from and attached to my physical appearance, instead of valuing myself as who I am as Life.

Within this I can see a lack of balance, self-movement and self-trust that I will do what needs to be done.



I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical body, allowing for self-judgment, and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my physical body as disgusting.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body through and within my participation within and as my mind.



I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within projection, projecting my fears into an imaginary future.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live in self-created fear and fear of an imaginary future that is not even real, but which I will make real if I continue to participate within my fears, my thoughts and my projections of it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I am capable of balance, self-movement and self-trust.



I allow myself to love, respect and care for my physical body as it has supported me unconditionally my whole life.

I allow myself to take Life one breath at a time, and to remain Here with me.

I allow myself to accept and value myself as Who I Am as deserving of Life because I Am Here.

I allow myself to be balance, self-trust and self-movement, as I am pushing myself to learn how to incorporate and integrate these words into my living actions and application.

I do not allow myself to participate within my mind- projecting my worst fears into an imaginary future situation.

I do not allow myself to participate within the separation of myself wherein I misplace my self-value.





Projection and Separation:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on X’s attention/affection/devotion in order for me to experience emotional charges of importance/loved/cherished within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become dependent on feeling these emotional; charges from X, and therefore expect them, and when I don’t have them, I feel self-pity, forgotten, not important, not cherished and not loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on the acceptance of someone outside of me in order to be able to accept myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to X, thus making him responsible for creating a positive energetic experience within me when I’m around him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have come to expect the positive emotional experiences from X, and to feel disappointed/robbed/sad when I don’t get them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the emotional energetic experiences of loved/cherished/special, thus participating in polarity, thus ensuring the opposite energetic experience within and as me. So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the polarity of special/unspecial, loved/unloved and cherished/uncherished to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the experience of unspecial, unloved and un-cherished to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect X to my personal feeling experience of special, loved and cherished.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to feel special.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself, to love and cherish myself.

- - - - -

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reflect my self-judgment off of X.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to X instead of taking responsibility for my self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as gross because I have exzema, not realizing that this physical manifestation is an opportunity to take the time to heal me and sort me out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as disgusting because I have gained weight, instead of realizing that I will make the appropriate changes to remain active and in shape because that is what I enjoy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel insecure because I have been participating in self-judgment about my exzema and weight, and because I am participating in the mind of thoughts and beliefs, thinking and believing that X is judging me too.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel insecure because I have placed my value as security in my physical appearance and sexual allure. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at myself and judge myself in this way- where I think/believe/perceive myself to have ‘no value’ unless I am perfect, thus I am perpetually judging myself as imperfect.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that such a thing as physical perfection exists, it is only pictures.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-worth in my ability to convince myself that X has a desire for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself based on how badly X desires me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire others to want/need/desire me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I require constant reassurance by X giving me attention and praise that I am wanted/valued,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame PMS as an excuse to feel self-judgmental, self-hatred, self-disgust and just foul, as self-sabotage so as not to have to face myself and remain Here, with me, in each breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame PMS for my emotional state instead of taking responsibility for myself as my mind of emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame PMS for my rage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame PMS because I always have, and it’s what I‘ve been taught to believe/taught myself to believe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame PMS for my experience of physical discomfort.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my anger towards myself instead of changing myself and the things I am angry about, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my anger towards myself instead of facing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘put up’ with myself as a mind for so long, limited and enslaved, and all the rage and anger I have felt from that- it’s suppressed within me, and now it ‘comes out’ when there is friction, irritation, resistance, etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I do not know how to deal with my emotions, this is just an excuse to not deal with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to ’feel’ stable in order to prove to myself that I am stable. I know that I cannot trust my emotions, and that my mind will fuck with me at every turn, so I know that I can’t trust my mind to tell me when I’m stable and doing well and when I’m not. The mind usually has it ass-backward anyways, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my mind of thoughts, feelings, emotions and reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on myself as a mind mind to tell me who and how I am, instead of directing myself within oneness and equality in each breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel emotionally unstable because ‘I have been working hard’, ‘I have PMS’, ‘I am visiting my in-laws’, ‘I have had a busy schedule’, “I am in exams’ and ‘I am a victim’. These are all excuses to not have to face me and I do not accept or allow myself to participate within and as them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the excuses of the mind, instead of trusting me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be the excuses that :I feel emotionally unstable because ‘I have been working hard’, ‘I have PMS’, ‘I am visiting my in-laws’, ‘I have had a busy schedule’, “I am in exams’ and ‘I am a victim’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the excuses: I feel emotionally unstable because ‘I have been working hard’, ‘I have PMS’, ‘I am visiting my in-laws’, ‘I have had a busy schedule’, “I am in exams’ and ‘I am a victim’ to exist within and as me.



Instead, I accept myself to remain Here, taking one step at a time, figuring out one step at a time.



I allow myself to realize that I love me and I accept me at all moments, within stability, one breath at a time.

I am here with me, for me. Always.

When I feel myself going into emotional instability, I stop, and I breathe. I stand up within the understanding that I trust me to direct me here, stability is not a feeling experience, and I breathe until I come back, so that I may participate in my world as who I am as stability, and not from the emotionally reactive self-interest of myself as a mind.





- - - - - -

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to X when he’s around his family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel/think/believe or perceive that I am in the way at X’s mom’s house, because I’m not getting the same kind/amount of attention I get at my house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think believe or perceive that I need a certain kind/amount of attention to be comfortable, and to feel loved and accepted within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my experience of myself with X’s family to that with my family, and then when there’s a difference, to react to it as if it were something wrong with me/them/X/the situation, not realizing that the difference is the ideas and expectations I have attached to the different locations/people/situations, and that I am, in fact, the same throughout.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to just be comfortable within myself, knowing I am Here for me always, and that self-acceptance and self-love are only a breath away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive I can’t be me/myself around X’s family because I have to be something else, something ‘more’ to impress them and to prove I am worthy to be there, to be with them and a part of their family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to be something else/something more than what I am, I know where that leads- it leads to self-judgment and insecurity, and I do not allow myself to participate within the energetic emotional reaction of inferiority around X’s family, due to the thought/belief/perception that they have the right to judge me because I am the new member of the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/belief/perceive that I need to act/behave a certain way in order to gain acceptance by X’s family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear X’s family won’t/doesn’t accept me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an inferiority polarity around X’s family, because I’m looking at myself through their eyes and judging myself as ‘a bad influence’, ‘not smart enough’, ‘not interesting enough’ or ‘annoying’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bad influence on X- he is a grown man and has a mind of his own. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that X’s family thinks I’m a bad influence on him. First of all- I have no idea what they really think so I shouldn’t worry about it. Secondly, it doesn’t matter what they think because they are only reflecting their own self-judgment, as I am doing, and it has nothing to do with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear reflecting X’s family’s self-judgment back to themselves for fear that they will react to me and blame me, as I blame others for my self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my self-judgment instead of taking responsibility for it and forgiving myself for it and not repeating the behavior (corrective application).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my thoughts/fears/beliefs/ideas of what X’s family thinks of me, instead of allowing myself to be myself, In self-confidence and self-trust.

I allow myself to love and accept myself entirely and unconditionally.

I do not accept or allow myself to become self-conscious in a group because I fear their judgment.

If Y doesn’t like me then he has that to work out for himself, on his own. I am free of that burden or weight because I choose not to participate in it- I do not accept or allow myself to try to do things to ‘win him over’ and prove to him that ‘I have good intentions’ or ‘I’m not a bad person” etc…

I do not accept or allow myself to try to be something within this group. This is not my show, it’s not ‘a’ show, but an event within which I am challenged to remain here, in breath.

When I notice myself going into a reaction around X/X’s family I stop, and I breathe. I stand up as myself, within the understanding that the only judgment is self-judgment, and I do not allow myself to participate within self-judgment or inferiority. I allow myself to remain stable, Here, because I accept and allow myself to love and accept myself unconditionally.








Thursday, December 29, 2011

Releasing My Self-Definitions

In walking 'backwards through time' to see/realize /understand how I have created myself as who and how I am through the layering of acceptances and allowances of past memories, thoughts, feelings, emotions, experiences etc.... I have decided to walk through some of the main ways in which I have defined myself.

I'm starting with beauty because I've noticed, now that I'm back in a busy city, that I am experiencing self-judgment about my appearance. When I used to live in the city, I worked at a bar. I dressed to impress, seduce, entice, invite etc... because I was working for tips. I got a lot of attention from men through the bartender- customer dynamic and have developed many beliefs and self-definitions which I need to now walk through and let go.

With the self-definition of beauty I have found the eternal search for recognition and reconfirmation from others of everything I have associated with 'what it means to be beautiful'. I'm done with endless searches now as only I can recognize and confirm myself, and the only valid recognition and confirmation is within understanding/realizing/being and becoming oneness and equality with and as all Life.

I will begin with purifying the word and re-defining it, and then forgiving myself of all the ways in which I have lived and separated myself through living my beliefs and perceptions of beauty.

Purifying Beautiful:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word beautiful with a positive/good charge/value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘beautiful’ to a positive or good polarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe or think that to be beautiful is good or positive, and to be ugly is bad or negative.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect to word beautiful to the word feminine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word
feminine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful and from the word feminine by defining the word beautiful within the word feminine in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word beautiful to the word successful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word successful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful and from the word successful by defining the word beautiful within the word success, or successful, in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word beautiful to the word special.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word special.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful and from the word special, by defining the word beautiful within the word special in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word beautiful to the word important.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word important.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful and from the word important by defining the word beautiful within the word important in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word beautiful to the word popular.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word popular.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful and from the word popular by defining the word beautiful within the word popular in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word beautiful to the word happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful
and from the word happy by defining the word beautiful within the word happy in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word beauty to the word resent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word resent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful and from the word resentment by defining the word beautiful within the word resentment in separation of myself.

Dictionary definition:
adjective
1.
having beauty; having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind: a beautiful dress; a beautiful speech.
2.
excellent of its kind: a beautiful putt on the seventh hole; The chef served us a beautiful roast of beef.
3.
wonderful; very pleasing or satisfying.

Sounds like: BE YoU To the FULLest

New Definition:
Beautiful: 1)wonderful, very pleasing or satisfying to be one’s self as one’s full self expression within presence and awareness, Here, with and as, and within consideration of all of Life. 2) to be and become one’s self-expression within self-mastery, self-acceptance, self-forgiveness and self-love, to the fullest extent is to be satisfaction and to be great pleasure. 3) To be and become excellence as full self-expression, as self-perfection, as who one is as Life.

SF on Beauty:
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself within the want, need and desire to be perceived as beautiful or pretty.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that beautiful people are more important , and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that beautiful people count more, and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to that beautiful people are more exceptional and valuable, therefore, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire to be beautiful so that I can ‘feel’ more important, think/believe and perceive that I count more oram more exceptional and valuable than the rest of life, instead of realizing/seeing/understanding that beauty it a construct of society that is not real/not based in anything real, and it supports inequality and does not take into consideration what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try/need to/desire to manipulate men and women with my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel important because I define myself as or perceive my human physical body as desireable/desired/envied.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from life by defining myself within the mind, and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need or desire to perceive myself as ‘more-than’ the rest of life, instead of realizing and seeing my oneness and equality to all that is here.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the energetic polarity of positive beauty and negative ugliness.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity of important/unimportant, by viewing some humans as more important than others based on their appearance. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that more beautiful human beings are more important. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that more beautiful human beings are more valuable human beings. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think believe or perceive that what I’ve defined as ‘more beautiful’ human beings are more exceptional human beings. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity of exceptional/unexceptional by believing some human beings are more exceptional then others.

Nobody is an exception from Life, we are all one and equal within and as Life.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to value myself unconditionally, but instead have focused on my strengths and weaknesses.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize my unconditional worth as Life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire people to look at me and give me attention, so that I can think, believe or perceive that they are judging me as beautiful, important, exceptional and more-than others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire others to perceive me as beautiful.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need or desire others to perceive me as valuable.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my self-value by wanting, needing and desiring others to perceive me as valuable.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire others to perceive my as exceptional.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire others to perceive me as more than.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to value myself and realize my importance thus within this separation I’ve developed the habit of seeking my self-importance and my self-value in the glances of others, wherein I project my own judgment of beauty and its qualities and project it back to myself through my interpretation of their glances and looks.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as unexceptional and less-than, therefore I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to seek the polarity opposite as exceptional and more-than within my projected self-judgement through and as the judgement of myself through and as others as beautiful.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to men and women by needing them to think I am beautiful to confirm my self-definition as ego.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself by defining myself as beautiful.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place worth or value in beauty as appearance, so I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my worth and value by placing it in my appearance and the judgment of other’s based on my appearance, thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to depend upon others judgment to believe I have self worth and value, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that my self-value and self-worth is within me as who I am as Life, and not in who I’ve defined myself as within ego and self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as pretty.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as important.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire special treatment from others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire flattery from others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as special and unspecial.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, through separation, seek special treatment and flattery from others to manipulate my inner experience of myself, instead of realizing my wholeness as life, as here within breath.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give away my power by wanting, needing and desiring flattery and special treatment from others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to depend upon others to make me feel ‘good’ and whole, instead of standing up as who I am as life regardless of my inner experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the deception of the mind by believing my thoughts, feelings and emotions are who I am, thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to depend upon my thoughts, feelings and emotions to tell me who I am instead of realizing they are not me, they are mind and ego, and mind and ego are not Life, and I stand up from within and as mind and ego as who I am as Life.

I do not accept or allow myself to participate within and as the energetic polarities of beauty/ugliness, special/unspecial, worth/worthless, important/unimportant, exceptional/unexceptional, good/bad.

I do not accept or allow myself to feed the mind as energy by participating within and as the polarities of the mind.

I do not accept or allow myself to separate myself through self-judgment.

I do not accept or allow myself to seek myself, my self-worth and my wholeness from/within others outside myself in separation of me.

I do not accept or allow myself to participate in self-judgment or the judgment of others.

I do not accept or allow myself to participate within the beauty demon of the mind.

I do not accept or allow myself to seek to be more than who I am , or more than others.

I accept and allow myself to be, see and realize my self-worth, my wholeness and my self-expression as who I am as Life.

I accept and allow myself to take myself back from and as that which I have used to separate myself with and as.

I accept and allow myself to realize and see my unconditional worth and value as life