March 21, 2010.
I am ready.
I feel deceptive right now. Today I woke up and in a split second I was breathing ‘I am here’ and up and out of bed. That was cool, but I struggled all day with this paper I’m writing. I know I can be more effective and less distractible. The point I’m working with here that is being brought up by this term paper is like every experience I’ve gone through when being faced with something I don’t want to do (the topic is Quebec public Administration, and I’m arguing that Quebec is a sub-state nation from an administrative and historical point of view).
My normal technique is to not do the thing by any means possible. And if I absolutely can’t get out of it, I would do it begrudgingly. My physical reaction to this point continues to surprise me, as I feel terrible waves of – I don’t even know – maybe dread and stubbornness, like the work is a waste of my life and it’s never going to end. I observe this reaction in the children I tutor so it’s an interesting point for me to be working on right now. I honestly don’t know what to tell them because I haven’t gotten over the point myself.
I felt weird all day today and yesterday too, kind of dizzy or something, like there was a bubble or void in me. I don’t have any clue what caused it, I just breathed through it and ignored it because I had things to do.
I feel deceptive because I once again became completely absorbed in schoolwork and forgot about my process. I did breathe today, but I didn’t locate myself or do any self-forgiveness during times when I knew I was allowing myself to be distracted.
I have psoriasis on my scalp and also an obsession with textures so I really ‘struggle’ with keeping my hands out of my hair, particularly when I’m doing things like reading or homework. So, I totally dropped the ball on this point too. I know that when I’m participating in this behaviour that it is participation within everything that I’m not supposed to be doing: not being present/aware, participating in programmed patterns/behaviour, solidifying and deepening this escape of ocd that I use when I have energetic build ups within me. I know I can’t just tackle this point head on because it’s such a deeply engrained thing, but I didn’t even try to stop it today.
It’s as if when I’m working on a really important assignment I give myself the green light to stop applying myself in all other areas of life, as if I were focusing ‘all my energy’ one this one thing and I don’t have any energy left over to do anything else properly. But the truth is I don’t only have a certain amount of energy. These tasks do not require my participation within energy to accomplish. This is a belief I’m holding on to, which is: that I only have a certain amount of energy to use throughout the day, therefore my tasks have to be prioritized and I can only handle top priorities while everything else goes to shit. And it is not me, but my mind that is deciding what takes priority. So today, there were points when playing with the dog, having a nap and going on facebook took priority over making headway on my paper. I worked on it for many hours, but I also took many breaks. Now I’m only half way done when I had planned on being finished at this point in time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit to losing myself throughout the day, I breathe through these moments of uncertainty and ‘lostness’ and bring myself back here. Even if I don’t feel ‘here’, I rely on my principles to determine what action to take with regard to what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not locate myself in moments when I know I’m being carried off by my mind. –Today I did stop and breathe; it was like I wasn’t even there. I didn’t know what else to do so I will speak sf out loud when this happens next time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I only have a certain amount of energy to accomplish the things I need to do throughout the day. I already know that with self-forgiveness and breath I feel lighter and less dependent on energy. Also, I remain sensitive of when to push myself and when to be gentle and nurture myself within accomplishing large time-consuming projects.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become distracted as a way of avoiding taking responsibility for myself in facing this point of pushing through my own stubbornness of ‘not wanting to do something’, and all the physical sensations that go with it. I push myself through these moments, in breath. I let the waves wash over me knowing it will pass. I can get up and walk around, or take a small break in these moments, but sitting there in a daze does not serve me in any way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall in to a dreary daze when I do not take responsibility for myself in facing my stubbornness. I direct myself through these moments practically and with common sense.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my hands wander to my head when I feel frustrated or ‘not present’. It’s time to start chipping away at this pattern. I remember the moment it began,,,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide to have a problem with my scalp, it was a self-destructive decision that I made without awareness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have lived as less than life, pretending to be unaware of the consequences of my choices.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have lived as if there were no consequences because the consequences were not manifested in my life. I knew better than that, yet I yielded to the mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have yielded to myself as the mind, believing my own lie of no consequence. I understand now, I stop myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have avoided pushing myself when times were tough at school or work or within a relationship, and instead I cowered in fear, believing myself to be less than the situation. I am equal to everything I manifest, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I manifest.
Where am I right now?
I feel empty, void. Not good or bad, just ready. I feel I have no more immediate points at the moment. It is possible that it’s time for me to live some of my corrective statements. I am ready.