day 5- sf on past definitions -beauty, acceptance, beliefs

I'm not sure how to do sf for the past, but what I'm going to do is kind of bring it all here to the present because if I'm forgiving patterns from the past they're probably all still repeating somewhere in me right now. Also, I only exist in this moment so it makes sense to me to write in the present tense when doing sf as I am forgiving myself for things that I still do or that I still carry around.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my character as 'who I am' in order to get people to like me. In this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive others by presenting to them a 'fake face'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself, by wanting so badly to be something other than what I have become (accepted and allowed myself to become), but not wanting to do any of the work to change myself actually. In this, I am merely acting out the final product of my desire, without actually being it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'act out' who or what I want to be instead of taking responsibility for myself to actually become that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel dread towards taking responsibility for myself. I have to face what I have accepted and allowed. It's not even real, there is nothing to fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on what others think or express about me, without taking in to consideration myself as having inherent value with no need to be defined.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expose myself to the judgments of others from a starting point of looking to 'them' to define me for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience the whole world as a mirror and wanting to control everything outside of me so that I can perceive myself as having changed instead of taking the steps to change myself from the onside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless and angry when I can't control something outside of me, like a person's reaction to me, because I have placed my power outside of me and in to them, relying upon them to validate who I am. Patience as I live my commitment to process and over time will reveal a me that deserves my validation. Until then -breath, self-forgiveness, corrective application. -no judgment  -common sense -what's best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my anger on to those I give my power away to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to devalue my principles because I have devalued myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on this person I'm existing as which is just a result of careless enslavement to the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe appearance matters.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be anything but me because I'm not beautiful enough to experience a fulfilled life. Fulfilled in the sense of friends, fun, excitement, happiness, adoration, specialness, confidence, expressiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe a fulfilled life involves things that do not take everything into consideration and are therefore done in self-interest. (Happiness, adoration, specialness, friends (at this point in my process, I'm not ready for friends) confidence as an idea, expressiveness as ego).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe there's a certain way a woman's life 'should be'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the societal construct of beauty, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use that construct as a standard by which I compare myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to every girl I see, as if I were 'sizing up the competition".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within jealousy when I believe girls to be beautiful and 'have it all'.

I'm starting to see and realize nobody has it all, or has it any easier than me. We're all in our own processes dealing with our own inner world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to befriend people and then become extremely jealous of them.

I was always so jealous of my friends because in my mind I was 'the ugliest girl in the class' and I wanted to be anyone else,. so I would watch my friends in absolute envy as they went about their business being normal while inside I felt isolated and resentful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry around this self-definition so that I can perpetuate this self-image by constantly looking at others and believing them to be better than me.

I have been feeding this self-image the whole time, using my own skewed interpretations of events which were completely biased to confirm the fact that I was ugly/weird/boring/etc... because that's what I chose to believe myself to be. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

more soon....