Hi, my name is Kim.
I have never really had any desire for spirituality or religion in my life. I tried praying a couple of times in moments of desperation, only to feel a dark blankness and no real support or consolation. I've never really felt at ease in my own skin or body, yet I've always felt that it was possible to feel 'free,' at ease within myself or 'in control.' I attempted to pursue these feelings through all the usual avenues, primarily drinking, mostly socially, and I dabbled in drugs. Then I tried switching friends, thinking that was the problem, but I mostly ended up just hurting people. I tried moving from different areas in the city to different cities. I changed jobs, I tried school, I did yoga... nothing really changed my experience within myself.
But that's not why I started this blog. I'm writing here because I have many addictions and patterns in my life that hold me down and hold me back from being who I know I am - a whole person who is capable of being in control of her life and is capable of making a difference in the world. This is where my 'process' comes in.
For a long time I didn't have cable so I watched a LOT of things online. I wanted to learn and not waste my time with t.v.or with just watching trash. I watched zeitgeist, Maurice Cotterell, some secret society whistle blower stuff and of course, David Icke. Also, mayan videos about 2012, and a lot of quantum physics videos that I can't remember.This is when I watched a video that struck me in a way none had ever really done before, it was put out by a group called desteni universe. I never knew how it would change everything.
For some reason, I didn't have my usual skepticism that I had with all the others. The desteni videos held my interest and had me thinking. All of their videos I made sense, they fit in with each other, with my life and how I had been feeling, and with the world. Most importantly, they had one coherent message, and it wasn't based on anything spiritual or religious.It wasn't faith-based and it didn't foster hope. The 'tools' they presented were ones that worked with what is here, as in just me, my body, my voice and my writing. As I became more certain and started trying it out for myself, I started immediately experiencing all these things I had spent so much time chasing: feeling comfortable in my own skin, feeling free, and feeling in control to the effect of taking steps towards realizing my own potential. Oh ya, and it was all free. That was about 2 and a half years ago, and it's still free.
The groups has been around since 2004 I think, and there are members all over the world. Personally, I took to it pretty fast, the idea of oneness and equality made sense, especially on a sub-atomic level! But I had a lot of resistance telling my family about desteni due to fear of judgment. I finally did and they just didn't really care. My husband thinks it's good because of the self-empowerment aspect of it but he's not convinced about all of it. I needed to tell these people because I again felt like I had a secret. Now I just study the material for myself, I apply it and I change myself. People in my world have noticed the changes, but I really have only begun to seriously apply myself.
Since I have been applying the tools I have stopped smoking pot - I used to do it daily. I've stopped getting drunk. I have a drink from time to time, but even that now is rare. I went back to school to get my university degree. All my relationships have become more honest, not all the way, but I used to be VERY deceptive to those around me, and now I feel like I can just be myself, however I'm still figuring out who that is. I don't hide who I am anymore. I have worked through my social anxiety. I still feel it sometimes, but it no longer stops me from participating in things. I feel free and in control. I'm becoming responsible and more 'real'. I participate in class all the time and volunteer for things that would have been like my worst nightmare before. I'm conquering my addictions and ridding myself of the million little lies I used to live, I'm opening my eyes to the actual reality of the world and after much investigation, I'm finally beginning to understand how my personal inner process is connected to that of everyone else, and how together we allowed this earth to become a complete mess.
On the surface we may all be different, different personalities, socio-economic status, different shapes and sizes, beliefs etc... but in the secrecy of our minds we are virtually all the same. Lets shed some light on what's going on in our tiny skull sized kingdoms so we can reveal that we are all going through the same bullshit. Stop the guilt, anger, pride, shame and all secret experiences of the mind by revealing them for what they really are so that we can get over this bullshit and start to change.
I have always felt very powerless in this world, feeling the despair of the state of reality, like there was nothing I could do. And I was powerless, but now I am taking back my power, through giving myself back to myself through the process of self-forgiveness. I do this so that I can be equal with myself, within myself, so that I can be a living statement of equality in this world, thus manifesting the equality I live. The starting point of this process is understanding and walking toward equality within myself, because how can I face anything in the world if I am less than something within myself? I'm going to be using the Desteni tools to overcome my addictions and patterns through consistent application of the tools I have developped, I am starting right here.