March 23, 2011
Today I felt like I was weak and strong, and like I was slipping into my ‘old life’ as well as committing to process all at the same time.
A point I thought I had moved passed was the fear of speaking publicly, which I push through by participating in my classes. These classes are rather large so the fear is substantial. Today however, in the time between deciding to speak and actually speaking I was having intense reactions of fear wherein I experienced my heart pounding, weakness and shakiness. I breathed through it and pushed myself to act regardless of how I was feeling, and then I did not participate in the self-judgment which took place afterwards. I was surprised at first because I had really become quite comfortable with this point and then today it was more extreme than ever, but it was really awesome to use my tools through this experience, because although they didn’t make it any easier, they made it possible.
This is something I realized recently, which is that the tools don’t necessarily make anything easier to live in actuality, at least not for me at this point in my process. What they do for me is allow me to realize that I can direct myself to do things that I normally would have been convinced I was incapable of.
I also pushed through this fear that came up because I had to leave class half way through. I needed to buy some ointment for my psoriasis so I accepted an offer to pick up a shift at this bar I used to work at to make some quick cash. I cut class to make it there on time, and something about getting up in front of everybody and walking out of the room really bothered me. I thought it was rude and disrespectful to the professor. But when I took all of these thoughts and values out of the equation the only things that were left were the facts: it was necessary for me to leave so that I could work to make money for medicine which I required immediately to assist my physical body. I thought about how in an equal money system, no one will have to sacrifice one second of their education to work for money to pay for something like medicine.
At the bar a man mentioned that I hadn’t put enough effort in to my hairstyle and that I could do better. I had actually left my hair alone and dressed professionally but not seductively as I didn’t want to participate in the seduction point which I knew would be intense at a bar. He asked me why I shaved my head so I told him. He said my response was boring and uninteresting to him, and that my reasons were not exotic and sexy. When I told him that it was a cool feeling to not have men look at me in an objectifying way he got so angry. He said I was patronizing him and talking down to him and that what I said was very offensive. I quickly realized the futility of the situation so I walked away, I realize what I said was pointless and provocative, inviting conflict into my world that wasn’t going to lead to anything productive or beneficial. I went to the bathroom and by the time I got there I was in a reaction –heart pounding, face hot, anger welling up. I breathed and did one sf on the reaction, so I’m going to finish that now. Oh shit, I just realized that the only reason I went in to this point was because there was a professor from my university sitting there who has a phd and I wanted to impress him and I wanted him to think that the student body-represented by me- had something to say about the world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run my mouth about ems to impress someone whom I judged as ‘in high standing’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse what the ems stands for, which is life, by turning it in to knowledge and information which I used to feed my ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another as ‘higher,’ ‘more established,’ and ‘better than’ me, thus separating myself from him. In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to further that separation by participating in my egoic desire to impress him.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest the immediate consequence of this abuse by creating conflict by saying provocative things because I felt I was ‘right’. I did not direct this situation according to what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I have this secret weapon which is knowledge and information of the ems, which I feel is ‘the right thing’ to stand for, and anyone who doesn’t stand for it is ‘lesser’.
Ok, well, I have realized the root of the issue here, but it’s nearly 4AM and I have class tomorrow so I will continue this tomorrow.
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