Finding myself within Fear, Doubt and the mother-daughter relationship

  

 Suggested video on family by Andrea: Demon Possession and the Family System pt.1

Fear, Doubt and Mommy:

I’ve committed to process but haven't been blogging. I had a couple false starts and I wanted to skip it today but I see the stagnation that takes place when I don't fully participate in what it is I need to do. When I don’t write myself out or keep up on the desteni videos the doubt starts creeping in. It’s interesting that my maiden name is Doubt as this is an issue I've been dealing with the more I participate with desteni. The more I ‘put myself out there’ the more fear I have as I face my doubt, but I face it through breath and with self-forgiveness and I can see it for what it really is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect the importance of writing every day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain in my mind, participating with my thoughts, believing them to be me, making my process longer and more difficult.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself when I don’t apply myself fully to my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny the importance of this process by keeping one foot in the easy life I’ve become so accustom to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fooled by this reality and its apparent normalcy. I know better than this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hang on to that life due to fear, thus sacrificing everything for nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take my commitment seriously, and not take myself seriously.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel exposed when I expose myself to the world, as if anybody could diminish me. Only I diminish myself, this stops now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let doubt creep in when I begin to change because it feels scary and new, I do not accept and allow doubt concerning what I’m up to with my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I require validation when I feel self-doubt, I am all I need, and I am here.

What is my Doubt?

                It is fear. Fear of change and the unknown, conversely, fear of losing the comfort of the familiar. Fear of being duped, or made out to be a fool, in other words, fear of being taken advantage of. Fear of judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear into my life, through my participation in the thoughts which I charge with fear, and believed that fear to be so real that I react to it in the physical. All fear has ever done is stop me and diminish me. Fear has never brought anything useful in to my life, it is only destructive and I will no longer participate in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change, or changing who I am because I’ve grown so comfortable with who I had become, as a coping mechanism, a personality and an ego. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear other’s reactions to my change because I’m reflecting myself back to myself through them, or the ideas I hold of them, and seeing myself change. I’m seeing that the change is real, and fearing what is real because I’ve never experienced this kind of realness before. Real realness means real consequence, and I have acted in ways without considering the consequences of my actions. I have acted in self-interest throughout my life and now I feel the realness of consequence, and it scares me, so, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the consequences of my actions. I accept full responsibility for all that I have caused through accepting and allowing myself to exist as the mind. I acknowledge the fact that I have acted in self-interest throughout my life, and that I have not considered the big picture, even though I knew it was there. So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have blinded myself to the suffering and abuse in the world, in my own life and within myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid taking responsibility for my actions and consequences. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that myself, or anybody else, is above facing their consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I can convince those around me that something is a certain way, that it is that way. Such as, convincing everyone that I’m a certain way, instead of just being who I am without participation in the mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I need people to think I’m something that I’m not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can construct some sort of ideal way to be, and then convince those around me that I am that way, when in reality, I have never really had control over who I am. I have been completely directed by my thoughts, feelings, emotions and reactions and they have more to do with who I am now, I have had very little say. Now I live by principle and will not allow it to be any other way. I stop participation in my thoughts in every moment that I become aware of it, and I become aware of it more and more every day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be ‘there’ and ‘done’. With process or any other endeavor, it takes time; it takes moment-by-moment accumulation, breath by breath. I’m slowing down so I can do it right, because otherwise I have to do it over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing others to themselves as I act in self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself so that I don’t make others uncomfortable or realize what they have accepted and allowed within themselves. I will no longer diminish myself because I don’t want to be the one to expose others to themselves. I will no longer fear the blame they may place on me, I know it’s not me they’re mad at. I will no longer fear others reactions to themselves, even if it is projected on to me. I stand as stability and support them through the realization of their responsibility, as I would like to have done for me. But I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to alter my behaviour in order not to have an effect on people. This is self-dishonest and abusive to myself as well as others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be a coping mechanism, a personality and an ego above who I really am as life here. I realize I can handle every experience better if I do not participate in the reactions, thoughts, feeling and emotions that have always accompanied events. I function better without them, I am more self-honest without them, and I feel lighter and more capable of navigating my way through my day without them, interactions are more real without them and I am more consistent in who I am through time without them.

                The other main thing I need to write out at the moment is the fact that I’m sorting myself out in relation to my relationship with my parents. The fact is, I live with them now and I can’t leave till I’m done school. Being back with them has had a bigger impact on me than I wanted to admit at first. It’s really hard for me to think straight and be myself around them.

                With my mom- I feel very frustrated around her because I feel that she never 'let me in.' I can see that I have manifested this experience myself as this is how I am in actuality, and I am projecting this self-image on to her, seeing myself through her, as her.So, what is she showing me as me? I feel like I’m talking to a shell or a mask = I wear a maks when I talk to her, I do not show her who I am, revealing only a shell of my true self.. She’s very distracted most of the time and doesn’t hear me = I am very distracted by my mind, I don't hear myself. Sometimes I think she’s not listening = I am not listening to myself, these beliefs hurt me growing up because I feel very unimportant when she behaves (I behave) this way, even now = I feel unimportant because I did not give myself importance, I did not stand as who I was, but instead only presented a shell of myself. I did not listen to myself, but rather to my mind's perception of myself based on my interpretation of the reactions of others towards me. I spent most of my time distracting myself with my imagination, creating an alternate reality instead of facing what I was doing by ignoring myself, and instead of realizing who I really was.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on my mother to provide me with the feeling that I am important. I am the most important thing that I have access to, now it’s up to me to gift myself to myself so that I can be effective in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to have my mother hear me, know me and see who I really am. It is I who needs to hear, see and know myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to express myself to my mom so that I can have her validation as who I am and who I have become. I am valid, there’s nothing more valid than who I am as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out validation from anyone but myself, I am here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I need to seek my mother’s approval for who I am, who I have become and what I’m doing now. I approve of the direction I am taking as I direct myself, I approve of living according to the principle of what is best for all, as well as the principle of oneness and equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe there is some magical relationship between mother and daughter that everyone experiences but me. I nurture myself unconditionally, with the utmost care as I bring myself forward to stand as equality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the relationship between my mother and I is supposed to be a certain way. The relationship is a result of what we are both capable of at the moment. But I will no longer wait for her or anyone else to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about my mom and her mental state. I will support her as who she really is and beyond that, it is out of my hands. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel responsible for my mom’s mental state, or to feel like I can improve it by behaving a certain way. Behaving in any way other than who I am is manipulative and abusive and I do not accept or allow myself to react to this worry by altering my behaviour, as if I have control over the outcome. I am only trying to control my own feelings of worry and not doing what’s best for all in this situation. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the feeling of being worried about my mom or anybody else. There’s nothing I can do as the mind to stop this experience within myself as the mind except not participate. Anything else is manipulating the whole experience in order to appease myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry that my mom feels trapped and imprisoned inside her own living hell, as I used to. No more worrying, I see how it’s abusive. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect worrying with caring about someone. I’m not caring about anyone but myself and my own worry, anything I do in this possessed state is done in self-interest and not what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my mom is capable of being something she is not, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with her when I want her to be something she is not, as in open, understanding, listening, communicative, real etc… The fact is, I believe myself to be something that I’m not, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shirk the responsibility of facing myself as not being open, understanding, communicative and real by projecting my frustration about this on to my mom. These things make me uncomfortable and I believe myself to be them but I’m not. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with myself because I’m not in practice what I believe myself to be in my mind. I still need to walk these things, I’m not there yet and I’m only waiting for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘forget’ that I am only waiting for myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize, when my mom is not listening, that it’s not about me, she is occupied in her mind and she is in her own process, and that I am not listening to myself.
I listen to myself now, I hear myself, and I devote myself to stand as self. 

              

    

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use talking as a means to create the feeling of the mother daughter relationship I believe to exist. I create that relationship within myself as I teach myself and ‘mother’ myself now, in taking responsibility for who I am, I ‘parent’ myself and discipline myself. And through this mothering and parenting myself I create self-intimacy and self-trust, understanding, caring and realness. I do not allow self-judgment or limitation or any other forms of self-abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be uncomfortable with silence between my mom and I. I breathe through those moments and remain stable so that I may speak and listen as me, and not just talk to fill the silence. I no longer ‘just talk’ to fill silence, I breathe through the discomfort I experience within the silence between myself and other individuals.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my mother by feeling hurt. I cannot expect her to make me feel a certain way, to make my feel ‘loved’ or 'like a daughter’. Nobody can 'make' me feel anything, it is my responsibility to direct myself. I have created ideals that are not real and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect my mom to live up to these fabrications. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create ideals of how things are supposed to be. Its time to let things be as they are so that I may see who I have accepted and allowed myself to become within all these expectations, so that I may release them and uncover who I really am. 

  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I need to act a certain way around certain people in order to make the situation comfortable for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my discomfort on to others, believing them to be as uncomfortable as I am, or believing that I am making them uncomfortable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people are uncomfortable around me, because I’m quiet and don’t talk much. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be uncomfortable around other people because I fear realness, theirs as well as my own.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become uncomfortable when I’m around people acting through ego or the mind, as I don’t want to feed it and participate, but sometimes I do it anyways to avoid the awkward silence that may accompany not participating with others egos and personalities. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with others egos and personalities and I breathe through the feeling of ‘the elephant in the room’, as I remain here, and do not diminish myself in these situations. I will survive the awkward silence, but I won’t survive if I participate in the mind. Mine or anybody else’s.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act out certain personalities in order to avoid being treated a certain way. I can no longer concern myself with other’s reactions, to me or to anything else. Reactions do not direct who I am, I direct myself according to the principles of equality. I stop participation in the reactions of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to convince my mom I’m super happy all the time, even she knows better than this! I am not this façade and she knows it and I know it, the only one I’m fooling is me! I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend to be so blind that I can fool myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be so naïve that I can play myself in this way. My eyes are open now; I see who I’m not. I’m not ‘happy all the time’ because happiness is blindness and pretending to be happy is really really dumb.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act in ways to avoid my mom worrying about me, she is projecting, and as I continue to live self-honestly, she will see that I am ok and capable of taking care of myself and being responsible for myself. Her stressing about my state of mind is misplaced, when she sees I’m okay she’ll stop. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act in ways which keep my mom worried about me instead of remaining stable and self-directive, proving to myself that I don’t need a whole army to back me, that I stand no matter what. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the belief that I need my family to stand behind me and support me. They do not support me in equality, simply for lack of understanding. I support myself.

-“My grandmother was emotionally abusive towards my mom and had a destructive impact on her self-image. My mom will now perpetuate this negative self-image by putting herself down, and pointing out when she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

 

This is only my perception of ‘the way it is’. I can’t trust this or act on it because it might not even be true. I could have developed this perspective and then over time let it become a ‘disproportionate part of the bigger picture’, and/or ‘exaggerated’ as I will have looked for events to confirm my belief over time while ignoring other parts of reality. So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form and hold on to the beliefs that I have created about my reality and the people in it, thus creating an actual alternate reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave according to a manufactured reality instead of living according to what is here in actuality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have lived myself in the context of a false reality, judging myself, defining myself and programming myself according to this projection which has very little to do with actual reality so which in the end, is actually insane.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain blind and insane within my own creation. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for my creation and its outflows and consequences. I stop, breathe, and live according to what is real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate so blindly in the abuse I create by living in my projected mind reality, I stop here and take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed within this world, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not even comprehend the terrible nature and absolute horror that I have promulgated through my participation within my mind.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear seeing/realizing/being exposed to the horror that goes on in the world, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe or perceive that this kind of horror only happens ‘out there’ to ‘them’. And not to me, because I’m ‘safe’ and ‘I don’t deserve that’. Nobody deserves to suffer, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself so divisively that I don’t even see others as fully human. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe/perceive  that somehow ‘others’ ‘out there’ are able to deal with atrocity because they are ‘not me’ and they must be able to ‘cope somehow’. Otherwise it wouldn’t be happening, right? Because Man would not let something so horrible take place, someone ‘out there’ is looking out for ‘them’ and stopping abuse, because that’s how it works over here… oh so wrong. Over here we have worth because we have money, we associate worth with money, we accept that, it’s all we know. But that is no excuse. I cannot believe I accepted this, but I did, and I continue to as I confirm this belief so long as I continue the way I always have. Shit. Shit shit shit! Shit is real, time to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project a reality where some humans have less worth. One where I am supreme, and people far away with no money have no worth. I am them as they are me and life has inherent worth which has absolutely nothing to do with money, status, location or anything else for that matter. Life is all there is and everything else is nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility through beliefs I have created, such as the idea that ‘Man would not let this happen’; It is happening, and I as ‘Man’ am allowing it, I have always allowed it, and so long as I continue participating in the mind, I am continuing to allow it. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is some good in the world that would not allow anyone to suffer too much. I only hold this belief because I have lived the good life, and I know that if I were suffering that some caring person or authority would help me, and if they didn’t, there would be hell to pay. I can’t even imagine what the experience of cold, hard reality might be like.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be blind because I have lived in a safe and insulated bubble. From my experience with actual bubbles, they always always ALWAYS burst! No matter how pretty and peaceful they are, they are temporary and unstable. I burst my own bubble. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the belief and perception that something ‘out there’ would not allow this, instead of taking the responsibility upon myself, and not allowing it as me, within me or within my world. I stop, right now. I stop ad will continue stopping for as long as it takes, till this is done. There is no other choice and no other way, thank GOD.

On interacting with my mom:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perpetuate my perception of what’s going on with my mom by participating in it through “censoring what I say” around her, thus confirming her possible negative self image to myself, and within that, confirming to myself my own negative self image simply by accepting and allowing the manifestation of ‘negative self-image’ to exist, therefore, through this participation I am diminishing her and myself as I participate within my own thought projection. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confirm and perpetuate the manifestation of a negative self-image through my participation within it, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within these thoughts and projections by altering my behaviour around my mom in these ways (‘censoring myself’) which are triggered by these emotions, feelings and reactions of guilt and ‘feeling bad’ for my mother.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself down before anyone else can, believing this to be a protective measure when it reality it is self-destructive as I confirm these negative self-statements and beliefs by either voicing them or participating in the emotional energetic charges which are attached to them, or both. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through diminishing ways such as protective measures. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be one way in my mind, but to actually be busy defining myself in reality as something completely different. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for my own becoming, and to be blind to my own artificial creation of myself. I stop this here as I begin to understand and reprogram what I have programmed as myself. I reprogram myself according to principle and not according to experience. The principle I program myself according to is that of a universal oneness and an equality for all as me and within myself as all.

On becoming my parents/change:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live out my pre-programmed genetic design instead of living within breath, directing myself moment to moment according to principle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have engrained this pre-programming within myself through my constant and continuous participation within it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel trapped and limited within my genetic predisposition, believing it to be bigger and more powerful than me. It is of my mind and my participation within my mind is my choice and my choice alone, and I know full well that there is not really a choice, so I have no choice but to realize myself as life, and realize myself as equal to my mind, and realize that I have the directive necessary to direct myself within this equality so that I may become a living statement of this equality, mind and all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am waiting for my mom to decide to change before I fully commit to it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project onto my mother my doubt that ‘change is possible’, or my idea, perception and belief that the efforts toward change are in vain.

 I take these projections back to myself and face them now: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that change is possible. I have already proven to myself that it is possible; I have also proven that not changing is equal to living in my own self-manifested hell.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the effort to change is an effort in vain. The idea/perception/belief, as well as the emotional energetic charge I associate with the word effort, is something I have created and defined as ‘hard’ and ‘a struggle’, and I have connected the word ‘effort’ (and all that goes with it) in this case with the idea/perception/belief and emotional energetic charge I have associated and connected to the words ‘in vain’, in relation to my perceived ability to change.

So first, I redefine right now, my idea/perception/belief of the word effort. The dictionary says this about effort: 1: a voluntary exertion to perform. 2: a strenuous attempt. 3: a work. An achievement. I guess effort can be strenuous or an exertion if it is physical, but only participation in energy leads to mental exertion and strain, so I cannot accept this context of the word ‘effort’. I do accept it to be a voluntary performance and work, but not an achievement in and of itself. To me effort is specific action taken over time, directed towards something specific, and that’s it. So when, I ‘put in effort’ to achieve a goal, I am objectively stating that I am taking specific steps towards a goal.

 Second, I realize right now that the energetic emotional charge I feel connected to the words “in vain” are actually my own fear of not achieving the goal due to self-doubt and lack of self-trust.

 This is a goal towards which I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I’m putting an ‘effort’ ‘in vain’ towards achieving is the goal of changing (ie: committing to process, accepting my reality is not real, accepting the validity and common sense of desteni as more real than what I have experienced as ‘my life so far’, thus realizing that change is required and inevitable).

 So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest and participate within the accepted and allowed fear not being able to achieve this goal. I have accepted and allowed this achievement to be a choice, wherein I have made space for fear because I lack the self-trust necessary to know without a doubt that I will not give up. So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project in to the future the thought of myself giving up and not changing, thus manifesting the fear that my efforts are in vain. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to live my pre-programmed designed pattern of giving up when things get “too hard,” “too hard” being a belief which I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within. Nothing is really ‘hard’ or an ‘effort’, it just feels that way, but I can and will push through these beliefs which I have accepted and allowed to become real physical experiences within myself.

Therefore I push through the fear I have associated with changing by forgiving myself for having accepted and allowing myself to participate within the manifested feelings of fear within myself as I breathe through them and realize that I am still here, that I can in fact change, and that what remains after I change is more real, more me, and less limited, I expand myself through change as I change myself through stopping my participation in the mind. I stop ‘living’ the way I have ‘always lived’ and start living what is real, what is here, as I direct myself toward living what life actually is in actual reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on my mom or any other person to start to change before I ‘feel ready’ to. There is no feeling or sign that will indicate to me that it’s time to fully commit. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on the feelings of readiness, bravery and motivation in order to indicate to myself that it’s time to change. The time is now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to myself and all of creation by waiting for others to change before me, I am only waiting for myself, and I am here so…. No more excuses.

When I talk about my relationship with my mom, and now writing about it, I feel silly, like I’m whining and everything I’m saying is such a cliché. Yet this relationship had me completely possessed. These past two days I’ve been able to come out of it and breathe here and there while in either my mom or my dad’s presence. I can see this is due to my writing, however unclear and unfocused and forced it has felt to me.