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Thursday, March 24, 2011

Blasts from the Past

On the appearance/self-worth point: I'm pretty sure this one started in 2nd grade when a girl announced to the class that I was the ugliest girl in the class. I had never considered that, but as none of my peers came to my defense, it seemed to be a consensus.

I had always been a loner/outcast/ostracized, but it was all I knew so I had no reactions to it, but after that girl said that I began to believe it was my appearance that was the cause of it.

Because of the society we live in, where 'sex sells' and the media, hollywood, movies, television etc... portray women the way they do, it was really easy for me to confirm this point to myself over and over until it became a deeply ingrained belief and a part of who I am now. I was really sad and lonely and what I perceived was pretty girls having fun together and being happy. They seemed so carefree and special and I felt dark, alone and unwanted. No worth.

I had a lot of incidents of being picked on in a very targeted way and it usually had to do with my appearance, even by family memebers so I really believed it to be this huge deal. I never expressed anything to anyone because I was ashamed of how I looked. I'm not going to go on here because this is just a story now that I'm defining myself by, I don't want to go in to self-pity, but my early life experiences gave me a really dark side that has been bottled up and I'm ready to open it and have a look.

I think, one more flash back that is relevant was this one point in 4th grade when I couldn't take it anymore. I was so shy and unhappy and I was watching these girls laugh with each other, they looked like they were having so much fun and I wanted that too, so I decided in that moment to change.

I began mimicking other girls, I changed how I behaved but the change wasn't who I was. This acting got me invited to birthday parties and I had friends who wanted to sit on the bus with me etc...

So basically, what I learned was, if I be myself I feel alone and unwanted, if I act a certain way I get friends and fun. So I have been acting ever since. It's been miserable really. And it hasn't allowed me to develop self-worth at all because I've never been a self. Just an act that even I began to believe.

Not having self-worth is dangerous because if you don't value yourself, how can you possibly value others? This is where all my abusive behaviour comes in. I've never wanted to harm anyone or anything like that, when I talk about a dark side I'm referring to deeply deceptive behaviour with no real concept of consequence.

I haven't had a 'friend' in many many years because I can't stand who I am around other people. That is until desteni. After I started applying the material to my life I've had two of the most honest relationships with women that I've ever experienced. I've since stopped talking to both of them because I haven't exactly broken the pattern, but it was cool, I went through a lot of personal growth, desteni style, with them.

But I can't go on continuing to not acknowledge some dark stuff. It's a weakness for me in terms of my stability, I hold deep shame and guilt, anger and resentment that is buried very deep and it scares the shit out of me. So, I'll continue more later.

Awesome support from Marlen:

Cool Kim, this is quite a start. I can say it is actually in points like this:
I'm not going to go on here because this is just a story now that I'm defining myself by, I don't want to go in to self-pity, but my early life experiences gave me a really dark side that has been bottled up and I'm ready to open it and have a look.

that I've experience the most relief in opening up, call them the can of worms because we don't like what we'll see coming out, yet it's in such can of worms that we'll see where and how we have to now stand up from that. For now it's quite cool you are realizing how you've created such personalities to cope with the world as in 'wanting to belong' which is quite a definitive pattern most of us experience at some point in our lives. The self definitions that we believe is ourselves end up becoming who we are which is what we have to stand up from.

I understand that it can be a bit overwhelming at times yet, it is a necessary point to walk through to then see and realize that non of that is HERE as yourself in reality, as the physical being and that all these points of self-judgment, fears, prejudices are only a mind-creation thus, no need to give further value in keeping it 'safe' inside you, but instead writing it all out, write yourself to freedom to then see the points for what they are once you realize that all 'that' isn't actually You as who you really are - and thus start building the actual you from the consideration of equality and oneness which implies not limiting ourselves to a single definition of 'who we believe ourselves to be' as a certain personality/persona, but instead create ourselves as self-responsible human beings that are able to live in the moment, without being carrying the self-definitions baggage on our backs so that we can get to a point of being able to face everything that we've accepted and allowed ourselves to be come and take it for what it is: a mind creation of who we are which is not real anyways, we can only make it real the moment we become such points and "live" them out so to speak.

Thus, cool you're opening up this - breathe when you think it is too much and stop whenever you see you've written an entire point out - then take it step by step with the pertinent Self Forgiveness to walk then the actual correction of Self Forgiveness and thus, be a bit more light from the past every day that goes by.

Enjoy - even if it seems you would not enjoy doing this lol - you'll see.


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