My long lost friend -me

Day 11-

I was just breathing and searching myself to see what would come up and what came up was the face of my old 'best friend' from childhood and a wave of emotion rolled over me.

First my mind went through my sister, mom, dad, husband, the guy I met up with yesterday, and I got no reactions. But then this girl's face popped up, I haven't seen her in maybe 10 years.

We were really close, like sisters.

I got really jealous when she started getting boyfriends because I really wanted one.

She always made an effort to include me in her life even when she was dating someone.

She moved away for a very long time but we kept close touch and visited each other.

I was always slightly annoyed by her neediness and never quite put in the same dedication and commitment to our relationship.

She was open and I was closed.

When she came back I was less interested in returning to the same relationship we had as children because I was dating my future husband.

I felt she was very needy and one day I snapped, and said some hurtful things to her. She left town soon after.

She came back a while later but it wasn't the same, there was a coldness and neither of us were budging. So she left again, for good.

She called me once to see if I was ok and to ask me to let her know if I died.

Years passed and I tracked her down to resolve things, a couple emails back and forth and a lot of pent up anger came out on both our behalf's, especially mine. Her anger came out in deleting me from her life.

I've always wanted to apologize to her, even though I'm not interested in the type of relationship she would provide. I've felt unsettled ever since.

So, what does she represent to me as my mind?

Her faithfulness and devotion made me feel loved and wanted and cherished -my mind misses that from a female friend.

I experienced adoration from her, as well as a responsibility toward her, to protect her and encourage her and take care of her. Later on I became a mess and she took care of me.

She represents a point in my childhood where life was exciting and we were invincible. We had adventures and I miss experiencing life like that.

She represents my past and my childhood and a big part of who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by this story of my life, and attaching this definition to cf.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I have lost this part of myself as memories, because she is no longer in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define cf as a part of me that I have lost.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself and my memories on to her, thus keeping them alive for me to react to every time I think of her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'miss' her wherein I am actually missing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss myself because I have projected myself on to her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret the things I said to her, namely 'it's time for you to grow up and take care of yourself'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because I hurt her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad because I let her down and disappointed her by not living up to her image of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I abandoned her, that I broke her heart because I 'meant so much to her'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belive I meant anything to her, she was reacting to herself through me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry so much about letting others down, especially when it means compromising who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am causing others to react.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest great sadness and longing when I think of her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sadness and longing to hurt myself and make myself feel bad about the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nostalgic about our friend ship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from who I was as a child and kid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as having 'passed that stage'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate shame with the idea of who I had become when she got back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have experienced 'letting her down' because i had sold myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was ashamed around her when I was really ashamed of myself, but I separated myself from it and convinced myself it was her, and not me who I was ashamed around.

II forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself through projecting on to her the disappointment I felt towards myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have projected my embarrassment for having sold myself on to her instead of facing it within myself so I could change.

Instead I remained the same and allowed myself to continue down a path of destruction.

Instead I remained the same and allowed myself to miss myself, a part of myself as who I used to be. I have always been here.

Instead I remained the same and allowed myself to let myself down.

Instead I remained the same and allowed myself to abeandone myself, especially in a time of need.