Over-Active imagination

            When I was little I was very shy. I still am a bit, however, since I started using the Desteni tools I have changed that very much. But when I look back at my life, especially when I was quite young, I remember moments in which I would have this absolute fear of interacting with people. It was usually adults, or other children, like the loud and boisterous type for example. Interacting with them would make me react where within myself I felt very sensitive (much like an open wound) and I was fearful that they would hurt me (like touch on a nerve at any moment). It reminds me of being at the dentist and getting a cavity filled, when Iworry he’ll drill too far and hit a nerve and I don’t trust that he will be careful enough.

These types of people seemed unpredictable to me and I didn’t trust that they wouldn’t embarrass me or hurt me. I also found it hard to relate to them because I was so quiet and introverted. I would play by myself with toys like stuffed animals or lego or little figurines. But the reality is that I longed to have real connections with real people. Instead I feard interaction and had an ‘active imagination’ where I could ‘entertain’ myself for hours.

It’s interesting when I look at what it was that I was doing with these toys: I was creating personalities for them and having them interact in ways that I longed to do myself. This kept me satisfied and created a situation where I could experience these desires for a personal connection by projecting it on to toys and playing it out in my mind instead of actually experiencing it for myself in real life. As I got older I stopped using toys and I would simply fantasize about my wants and desires. I remember in fourth grade I was watching some girls fearlessly interacting. They were being loud and laughing and expressing themselves, and I longed for that. But instead of facing my fear I remained quiet.

I would imagine myself doing all sorts of things and being the person I longed to be, whether it was funny or outspoken or what have you- but in the real world I was isolated and lonely. I realize now that an imaginary world is a safe world. It is not real and it distracts and ‘protects’ one from facing one’s own fears. For a long time I saw it as a virtue or a special quality that made me ‘deep’ or ‘mysterious’ as I have recently been called. But the real truth is that I became so comfortable with going into my imagination instead of being present and aware in reality that I would just go there (into my mind) whenever I experienced the slightest fear, discomfort, boredom or difficulty. It is and was an absolute escape which, when I look back, diminished my actual living experience and relationships, and I had myself believing that the world was a scary and hostile place compared to my inner world.

I’m teaching myself now, with the Desteni tools of breath and corrective application, to remain present in situations, wherein I participate in my world instead of escaping it. When I catch myself in my imagination I remember to breathe and bring myself back to awareness and I stop my mind and let the fantasy fall away and disappear. It just crumbles away and becomes nothing because that is what it really is: it’s an energetic experience that I use to make myself feel things I long for in real life, self-created experiences which are not real and which have the opposite effect in my real life- wherein I live in isolation, silence, obscurity and fear.

Now I have developed the courage to start realizing who I really am by facing these social fears and actually participating with other people in my world- not just the ones I feel ‘safe’ with. The most noteworthy examples for me are my interactions at school. I pushed myself to speak up in class in front of sometimes huge classes of over a hundred people. I started volunteering to lead groups or to be the one that presents group findings to the class, and I have begun to initiate conversations with classmates who I didn’t know. The results have been very satisfying in terms of my quality of life as well as what I have proven to myself in terms of what I am capable of versus what I ‘believed’ I am capable of. But I'm not done yet…..

I am 30 now and have been using the Desteni tools for about 2 years. So that means that for 28 years I have pretty much fully used the escape of imagination in an unrestrained manner. I have developed many ‘coping techniques’ with it that have not been constructive in my life, and which I still catch myself falling in to from time to time. The times that I still find myself tempted by my fantasy world are when I’m either reading course material or in class and I start to get ‘bored’. I realize here that I’m not actually bored, what happens is I get to a point or a concept that I don’t understand, and instead of pushing through and directing myself to understand I escape and start fantasizing. This tactic essentially led me to flunk out of college years ago, and it is an ingrained habit now to the extent that it is a really struggle for me to stay present and hear what is being said by the teacher, or absorb what it is that I am reading. This stops here, because every time I escape into my fantasy world of fairytales I am letting my life pass me by.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place great value in people with a ‘wild’ imagination.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place value in my ability to get lost in my imagination.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I ‘get lost’ in my mind and hide there that I am ‘deep’ or ‘mysterious’ instead of realizing that I am actually missing out on exactly that which I desire to experience in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people who have a wild/wide/big imagination are special and gifted.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I ‘have a wild imagination; that I am ‘special’ or ‘gifted’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide out in imaginary fairy tales, because I don’t want to have to deal with the actual reality and my actual experience of myself within this reality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear this reality and the people, places and things within it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that others can hurt or embarrass me, instead of realizing that only I can accept or allow myself to be hurt or embarrassed by attempting to do or be something that I am not yet, but only want, need or desire myself to be as an energetic experience as ego.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give away my power and my self-directive principle by believing that others outside of me can hurt or embarrass me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give away my power and my self-directive principle by fearing others and situations outside of me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give away my power and my self-directive principle by fearing expressing myself outwardly and fully participating as myself in my world.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need or desire certain experiences and relationships, and to project those experiences and relationships in my imagination instead of living and applying myself in my world within the principles of oneness and equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divert my attention from what is here, by creating a whole new world in my mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to divert my attention from what is here when things are tough, scary or difficult to understand, by creating a whole world in my mind where I perceive that I am safe, instead of realizing that in so doing I am missing out on moments where I can direct me to be and become a more effective, expressive and understanding human being.

I realize that a ‘wild’ imagination has no value because it is not real. It is a lonely ‘place’ that only I can experience and I would rather take every opportunity to live for real in the physical world Here, where we all exists together, where I can exist in such a way that creates a better world by living the principles of oneness and equality and treating others as I would like to be treated.

I realize that in escaping into my imagination when things get tough, ‘scary’ or difficult to understand, I am only preventing myself from developing and expanding myself, and in this way I am diminishing myself by not allowing myself to be learning, doing and being, but instead am letting life pass me by.

I realize that wanting, needing and desiring certain types of experiences and relationships will not achieve them because it is coming from a starting point of self-interest, and that real interactions and events will be fulfilling and of quality when I walk into and as them from a starting point of oneness and equality with no expectations other than self-honestly walking Here.

I realize that allowing myself to become ‘lost’ in my imagination is escapism and is not me directing myself Here in the real world- in the physical world where we all exist together, which is the only place I can be real and whole and bring about change.

I do not accept or allow myself to escape into my imagination.

I do not accept or allow myself to use fear or difficulty as excuses to escape Here.

I do not accept or allow myself to fear or avoid facing me in every moment.

I do not accept or allow myself to limit or diminish myself by hiding in my mind.

I accept and allow myself to face me in every moment.

I accept and allow myself to push through moments of difficulty and fear.

I accept and allow myself to remain present and participate fully in the real world, which is the only place that is real and that matters.

I accept and allow myself to fearlessly express me within the understanding that nothing and no one can hurt, embarrass, limit or diminish me except me, and I will not allow myself to participate in this type of behavior from here on out.

Redefining ‘Imagination:

Imagination

-fun

-safe

-special

-exciting

-mine

-escape

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to charge the word imagination with a positive charge.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that ‘imagination’ is good/right/positive.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word ‘imagination’ by defining the word ‘imagination’ as positive/good/right.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to connect the word ‘imagination’ to the word ‘fun’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘fun’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word ‘imagination’ and from the word ‘fun’ by defining the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘fun’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself toconnect the word ‘imagination’ to the word ‘safe’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘safe’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word ‘imagination’ and from the word ‘safe’ by defining the word ‘imagination within the word ‘safe’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself toconnect the word ‘imagination’ to the word ‘special’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘special’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word imagination and from the word ‘special by defining the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘special’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to connect the word ‘imagination’ to the word ‘exciting’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘exciting’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself form the word ‘imagination’ and from the word ‘exciting’ by defining the word ‘imagination’ within te word ‘exciting’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to connect the word ‘imagination’ to the word ‘mine’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘mine’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word ‘imagination’ and from the word ‘mine’ by defining the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘mine’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to connect the word ‘imagination’ to the word ‘escape’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the word imagination within the word ‘escape’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word ‘imagination’ and from the word ‘escape’ by defining the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘escape’ in separation of me.

Imagination: my current allocation: -fun

-safe, special, exciting, mine, escape.

Dictionary definition:

Imagination: the act or power of forming a mental image of something not present to the senses or never before wholly perceived in reality

2

a: creative ability b: ability to confront and deal with a problem : resourcefulness <use your imagination and get us out of here> c: the thinking or active mind : interest <stories that fired the imagination>

3

a: a creation of the mind; especially: an idealized or poetic creation b: fanciful or empty assumption

Sounds like:

Image I nation

The creation of the nation in the image and likeness of all individual “I”’s, wherein I direct myself as ‘I’ to see myself reflected in the image of the nation, I walk within and as the nation of “I”’s equal and one, until the image I see reflected by the nation is equal to and one with all that is Here. Within this, I use the imagination as the act or power of forming an understanding of what is Here, as a resourcefulness to see and face me and my world, and the creative ability to confront obstacles within common sense, and to deal with them in practically applicable ways, instead of using that ability as an escape into fantasies.