Over-Active imagination

            When I was little I was very shy. I still am a bit, however, since I started using the Desteni tools I have changed that very much. But when I look back at my life, especially when I was quite young, I remember moments in which I would have this absolute fear of interacting with people. It was usually adults, or other children, like the loud and boisterous type for example. Interacting with them would make me react where within myself I felt very sensitive (much like an open wound) and I was fearful that they would hurt me (like touch on a nerve at any moment). It reminds me of being at the dentist and getting a cavity filled, when Iworry he’ll drill too far and hit a nerve and I don’t trust that he will be careful enough.

These types of people seemed unpredictable to me and I didn’t trust that they wouldn’t embarrass me or hurt me. I also found it hard to relate to them because I was so quiet and introverted. I would play by myself with toys like stuffed animals or lego or little figurines. But the reality is that I longed to have real connections with real people. Instead I feard interaction and had an ‘active imagination’ where I could ‘entertain’ myself for hours.

It’s interesting when I look at what it was that I was doing with these toys: I was creating personalities for them and having them interact in ways that I longed to do myself. This kept me satisfied and created a situation where I could experience these desires for a personal connection by projecting it on to toys and playing it out in my mind instead of actually experiencing it for myself in real life. As I got older I stopped using toys and I would simply fantasize about my wants and desires. I remember in fourth grade I was watching some girls fearlessly interacting. They were being loud and laughing and expressing themselves, and I longed for that. But instead of facing my fear I remained quiet.

I would imagine myself doing all sorts of things and being the person I longed to be, whether it was funny or outspoken or what have you- but in the real world I was isolated and lonely. I realize now that an imaginary world is a safe world. It is not real and it distracts and ‘protects’ one from facing one’s own fears. For a long time I saw it as a virtue or a special quality that made me ‘deep’ or ‘mysterious’ as I have recently been called. But the real truth is that I became so comfortable with going into my imagination instead of being present and aware in reality that I would just go there (into my mind) whenever I experienced the slightest fear, discomfort, boredom or difficulty. It is and was an absolute escape which, when I look back, diminished my actual living experience and relationships, and I had myself believing that the world was a scary and hostile place compared to my inner world.

I’m teaching myself now, with the Desteni tools of breath and corrective application, to remain present in situations, wherein I participate in my world instead of escaping it. When I catch myself in my imagination I remember to breathe and bring myself back to awareness and I stop my mind and let the fantasy fall away and disappear. It just crumbles away and becomes nothing because that is what it really is: it’s an energetic experience that I use to make myself feel things I long for in real life, self-created experiences which are not real and which have the opposite effect in my real life- wherein I live in isolation, silence, obscurity and fear.

Now I have developed the courage to start realizing who I really am by facing these social fears and actually participating with other people in my world- not just the ones I feel ‘safe’ with. The most noteworthy examples for me are my interactions at school. I pushed myself to speak up in class in front of sometimes huge classes of over a hundred people. I started volunteering to lead groups or to be the one that presents group findings to the class, and I have begun to initiate conversations with classmates who I didn’t know. The results have been very satisfying in terms of my quality of life as well as what I have proven to myself in terms of what I am capable of versus what I ‘believed’ I am capable of. But I'm not done yet…..

I am 30 now and have been using the Desteni tools for about 2 years. So that means that for 28 years I have pretty much fully used the escape of imagination in an unrestrained manner. I have developed many ‘coping techniques’ with it that have not been constructive in my life, and which I still catch myself falling in to from time to time. The times that I still find myself tempted by my fantasy world are when I’m either reading course material or in class and I start to get ‘bored’. I realize here that I’m not actually bored, what happens is I get to a point or a concept that I don’t understand, and instead of pushing through and directing myself to understand I escape and start fantasizing. This tactic essentially led me to flunk out of college years ago, and it is an ingrained habit now to the extent that it is a really struggle for me to stay present and hear what is being said by the teacher, or absorb what it is that I am reading. This stops here, because every time I escape into my fantasy world of fairytales I am letting my life pass me by.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place great value in people with a ‘wild’ imagination.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place value in my ability to get lost in my imagination.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I ‘get lost’ in my mind and hide there that I am ‘deep’ or ‘mysterious’ instead of realizing that I am actually missing out on exactly that which I desire to experience in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people who have a wild/wide/big imagination are special and gifted.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I ‘have a wild imagination; that I am ‘special’ or ‘gifted’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide out in imaginary fairy tales, because I don’t want to have to deal with the actual reality and my actual experience of myself within this reality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear this reality and the people, places and things within it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that others can hurt or embarrass me, instead of realizing that only I can accept or allow myself to be hurt or embarrassed by attempting to do or be something that I am not yet, but only want, need or desire myself to be as an energetic experience as ego.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give away my power and my self-directive principle by believing that others outside of me can hurt or embarrass me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give away my power and my self-directive principle by fearing others and situations outside of me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give away my power and my self-directive principle by fearing expressing myself outwardly and fully participating as myself in my world.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need or desire certain experiences and relationships, and to project those experiences and relationships in my imagination instead of living and applying myself in my world within the principles of oneness and equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divert my attention from what is here, by creating a whole new world in my mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to divert my attention from what is here when things are tough, scary or difficult to understand, by creating a whole world in my mind where I perceive that I am safe, instead of realizing that in so doing I am missing out on moments where I can direct me to be and become a more effective, expressive and understanding human being.

I realize that a ‘wild’ imagination has no value because it is not real. It is a lonely ‘place’ that only I can experience and I would rather take every opportunity to live for real in the physical world Here, where we all exists together, where I can exist in such a way that creates a better world by living the principles of oneness and equality and treating others as I would like to be treated.

I realize that in escaping into my imagination when things get tough, ‘scary’ or difficult to understand, I am only preventing myself from developing and expanding myself, and in this way I am diminishing myself by not allowing myself to be learning, doing and being, but instead am letting life pass me by.

I realize that wanting, needing and desiring certain types of experiences and relationships will not achieve them because it is coming from a starting point of self-interest, and that real interactions and events will be fulfilling and of quality when I walk into and as them from a starting point of oneness and equality with no expectations other than self-honestly walking Here.

I realize that allowing myself to become ‘lost’ in my imagination is escapism and is not me directing myself Here in the real world- in the physical world where we all exist together, which is the only place I can be real and whole and bring about change.

I do not accept or allow myself to escape into my imagination.

I do not accept or allow myself to use fear or difficulty as excuses to escape Here.

I do not accept or allow myself to fear or avoid facing me in every moment.

I do not accept or allow myself to limit or diminish myself by hiding in my mind.

I accept and allow myself to face me in every moment.

I accept and allow myself to push through moments of difficulty and fear.

I accept and allow myself to remain present and participate fully in the real world, which is the only place that is real and that matters.

I accept and allow myself to fearlessly express me within the understanding that nothing and no one can hurt, embarrass, limit or diminish me except me, and I will not allow myself to participate in this type of behavior from here on out.

Redefining ‘Imagination:

Imagination

-fun

-safe

-special

-exciting

-mine

-escape

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to charge the word imagination with a positive charge.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that ‘imagination’ is good/right/positive.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word ‘imagination’ by defining the word ‘imagination’ as positive/good/right.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to connect the word ‘imagination’ to the word ‘fun’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘fun’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word ‘imagination’ and from the word ‘fun’ by defining the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘fun’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself toconnect the word ‘imagination’ to the word ‘safe’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘safe’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word ‘imagination’ and from the word ‘safe’ by defining the word ‘imagination within the word ‘safe’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself toconnect the word ‘imagination’ to the word ‘special’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘special’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word imagination and from the word ‘special by defining the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘special’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to connect the word ‘imagination’ to the word ‘exciting’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘exciting’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself form the word ‘imagination’ and from the word ‘exciting’ by defining the word ‘imagination’ within te word ‘exciting’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to connect the word ‘imagination’ to the word ‘mine’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘mine’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word ‘imagination’ and from the word ‘mine’ by defining the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘mine’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to connect the word ‘imagination’ to the word ‘escape’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the word imagination within the word ‘escape’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word ‘imagination’ and from the word ‘escape’ by defining the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘escape’ in separation of me.

Imagination: my current allocation: -fun

-safe, special, exciting, mine, escape.

Dictionary definition:

Imagination: the act or power of forming a mental image of something not present to the senses or never before wholly perceived in reality

2

a: creative ability b: ability to confront and deal with a problem : resourcefulness <use your imagination and get us out of here> c: the thinking or active mind : interest <stories that fired the imagination>

3

a: a creation of the mind; especially: an idealized or poetic creation b: fanciful or empty assumption

Sounds like:

Image I nation

The creation of the nation in the image and likeness of all individual “I”’s, wherein I direct myself as ‘I’ to see myself reflected in the image of the nation, I walk within and as the nation of “I”’s equal and one, until the image I see reflected by the nation is equal to and one with all that is Here. Within this, I use the imagination as the act or power of forming an understanding of what is Here, as a resourcefulness to see and face me and my world, and the creative ability to confront obstacles within common sense, and to deal with them in practically applicable ways, instead of using that ability as an escape into fantasies.

Inner-Peace as Suppression

Inner-Peace as Suppression

Self-forgiveness assists me to support myself to achieve an inner-silence or stillness that is different than anything I’ve ever experienced before. It’s different because I am, for the most part, in complete control of it. Meaning, I am completely responsible for it, and when intrusive thoughts start to appear, I see them for what they are. I see right through them and I know how to handle them. First, I choose not to participate with them as soon as they appear, I focus on my breath or my body or my physical surroundings (or all) and I keep myself Here in awareness. The thoughts that come usually carry with them some kind of emotional or feeling energy. Sometimes it’s stronger than others. When I notice it I’ll usually look at it to see what is it and where did it come from and why I may have brought it up. These questions can be answered by remembering self-forgiveness I have already done.  So, if it is for example, a thought about how my schoolwork is accumulating and I start to feel overwhelmed, I’ll recognize the pattern as self-sabotage where instead of starting to do my work I participate in overwhelming thoughts and sabotage myself from the start by procrastinating. This happens every time I have a big paper or exam and I procrastinate. I procrastinate because I feel overwhelmed and I don’t want to face it. But now, when I see the thought coming, and I look at it without participating in it, I see that it is ‘attached’ to this overwhelming feeling, so instead of participating within it and becoming overwhelmed, I simply stop it, breathe, and I get started on my work. Now I can use this particular pattern as a sign that I need to start working right away, or else I will sabotage myself and create a situation where everything is done at the last minute, and everything Is way more stressful than It needs to be. When I handle the situation this way I end up building self-confidence, self-reliance, self-trust, consistency, time management skills and so much more.

Self-forgiveness is like a skill in this way, or a tool. I use it when I’m interacting for example with children. Yesterday I was babysitting my niece and nephew, and they were tired so they were moody and acting up. It seemed as if every little thing would send one or the other into a tantrum. Instead of becoming frustrated and reacting by yelling or telling them to stop, I was able to clear my mind and contemplate how best to handle the situation or even realize what was causing the children themselves to react. I don’t always get it ‘right’, but it always turns out better than if I participate in the frustration, the anger, the impatience, and the lack of understanding that so often dominates interaction with emotional children.

The two scenarios I described are but two examples of the multitude of ways in which the practice of self-forgiveness has assisted and supported me in remaining quiet and stable within myself so that I can handle situations in Life without becoming influenced by the thoughts, feelings and emotions that so easily obscure common-sense. Handling situations in this way builds a stronger, more stable me that is capable of taking on Life no matter what comes my way. It is in these types of ways that I have proven to myself the effectiveness of self-forgiveness. But I also experience ‘negative’ proof of the effectiveness of self-forgiveness, and that is when I don’t do it regularly and I experience myself differently. When I don’t do self-forgiveness I start to get the mind chatter. I’m less aware of the thoughts I’m thinking and the emotion or feeling energy that is attached to them, so all of a sudden I am going through these ups and downs throughout my day and I have less of an idea why or how I am doing it to myself.

An example of this that I recently experienced was this past weekend when we had a house full of guests. There were twelve people here, plus two dogs that we’re dog-sitting (who can’t be together in the same room), plus I had to go to work and do my homework. I didn’t do any self-writing or self-forgiveness the whole time (using the excuse that I was too busy). I relied on past self-forgiveness, understanding and self-realizations as a platform of self-support to keep me stable throughout the experience, but along the way, many situations came up that I did not write out in order to get to the bottom of them, and instead I let myself ‘get away’ with them (instead of taking responsibility for them  by getting to the root of the problem within me and changing). I had reactions to people for not handling the children in the same way I would, I didn’t put aside enough time for my homework and fell behind, there were underlying stresses for me within my family, and other such things that can cause inner-irritation and dis-ease.

When everybody left I was exhausted, but I went up to my room to do my homework. I found it incredibly difficult- my head was full of accumulated thoughts, judgments and reactions from the weekend that I was allowing to distract me from my work and preoccupy me. This is when I tried to find ‘inner peace’ instead of using self-forgiveness. When I realized I couldn’t work effectively and I needed to do something I went to lay on the couch. I closed my eyes and I breathed. As everything started coming up I simply pushed it back down. I looked for a stillness or an ‘inner peace’ but what I was getting was suppression. I again used the excuse that I didn’t have time to write out self-forgiveness because I had to do my homework, so I did not understand the things I was feeling because I had not written them out. So instead of using the opportunity to look into these things that I am reacting to and figuring out why and how I can change me to handle them differently (in a way that supports me and assists me to move through experiences without accumulating inner dis-ease and turmoil), I simply lay down and tried to ignore them., I forced them down into myself so as not to have to deal with them. And that is how I found ‘inner-peace’. I closed my eyes and suppressed myself and in a sense, ‘shut my mind up’ forcibly, with no real understanding or realizations.

This is not growth, and it is not building self-confidence or self-trust. It is rather making the statement that I do not support me to stand up from within my self-created inner-experience, and instead I accept me as this self-defeat. Instead of bringing it out and untangling the mess I have created, I push it down and try to feel ‘okay’ with myself ‘the way I am’. But this ‘way’ that ‘I am’ is not the way nor the ‘I am’ that I accept or allow myself to be. However, in trying to find that ‘inner-peace’ despite the obvious inner turmoil and conflict, I am trying to force myself to ‘feel okay’ instead of taking responsibility for myself.

                The consequence of this suppression was later outbursts of frustration and anger towards little events that did not call for such reactions.  This is the polar-opposite experience of ‘inner-peace’. I experienced these outbursts (within myself towards my parents, for example, or the dogs, or my homework) because of my participation within the polarity of an ‘inner-peace’ that was not based on real ‘peace’ in terms of a self-confident understanding that I am directing myself and my world, but rather a state of self-suppression. As I have said: this is not real ‘peace’, it is escapism, trying to escape the world and everything in it, trying to hide myself instead of taking responsibility for myself in every moment. It can be tough sometimes (to take responsibility in every moment, write oneself out, do self-forgiveness, etc…), but the alternative is constantly moving between chaos and peace, and being a volatile person that can’t be trusted.  Living in a state of continued suppression is like living as a ticking time-bomb. I will not be that or expose anyone else to that.

I have ‘snapped’ before, in my life. I hit my dog once, years ago when he kept chasing skunks; I’ve said really mean things to people in moments of anger. Snapping or participating within these outbursts as a result of built up anger/frustration/irritation is never a beneficial thing. In fact, it is usually even more destructive. Finding ‘inner-peace’ within inner-conflict instead of taking it all out and facing it is destructive and harmful to oneself, and if continued suppression in the form of finding ‘inner-peace’ is used to deal with it, then that harmfulness and destructiveness will come out and effect those in one’s life and one’s world. At least this is how I’ve experienced it when I look back on my life. I have always regretted the things I have done in moments of anger and frustration. I lost a ‘best friend’ because of things I have said, and I have hurt people with my words. Finding ‘inner-peace’ is simply not an acceptable answer to life’s problems, in fact it is the opposite. It is suppression and it will come out somewhere, somehow, at a later time, and it will be an even bigger accumulation of emotional energy that will be regretted. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself in order to experience ‘inner peace’, instead of facing myself head on and addressing that which I am preoccupying myself with by doing self-forgiveness, either out loud or written, or at least making a note about it so I can do it when I have a chance.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself and push myself down within me instead of pulling myself out and dealing with my accepted and allowed thought patterns in order to deal with them and thus take steps towards full self-direction and self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself as procrastination because I ‘choose’ to fall in the face of the resistances I manifest for myself towards facing myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that ‘I’m too busy’ to avoid facing myself within and through writing self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘choose’ to fall in the face of self-created resistances instead of standing up for myself in every moment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate because it’s ‘easier’, instead of taking responsibility for myself. Within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that procrastination is easier when it is actually putting something off to accumulate and become bigger, harder and more complicated later.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manifest resistances towards  writing self-forgiveness and towards facing me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear facing me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take complete responsibility for myself and my world, by allowing my thoughts to direct me, instead of directing myself in the moment, and by suppressing me to face myself as a bigger problem later instead of facing myself in the moment.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of peace and conflict, and peace and chaos by participating in the chaos of a full house instead of breathing and focusing on staying present in awareness in every moment, then by searching for ‘inner peace’ as an ‘escape’, and then  afterwards by participating within and as the inner experience of ‘outbursts’ of frustration and anger towards small events in my life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to utilize the search for, or attempt at ‘inner peace’ as an escape, to escape from the consequences of my participation in all the energies of a family visit, and all the thoughts, feelings, emotions, judgments and reactions that I created and preoccupied myself with afterwards.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to search for or attempt to achieve ‘inner peace’ because of suppressed guilt for past actions.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to search for or attempt to achieve ‘inner peace’ because of my guilt for all the times I have reacted to and judged others during visits, and then accepting and allowing myself to participate within these judgments and reaction after they leave, instead of remaining present and aware during the visit and not participating in judgments and reactions, and also instead of realizing that the only judgment is self-judgment, and that is something I need to address within me, as me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to search for or attempt to manifest ‘inner peace’ instead of dealing with past guilt for all the times I participated in ‘outbursts’ of anger and frustration, wherein I said things I didn’t mean, or did things I knew I shouldn’t do, simply to release myself of my anger and frustration as an outward projection so that I ‘feel better’ in the moment. I realize that this is complete self-interest because that ‘feeling better’ is not real and is achieved at the expense of those around me. It is only temporary, and much like my participation within ‘inner peace’, it is an action that accumulates consequences and creates bigger problems for me to deal with. I realize I would rather take self-responsibility and deal with myself and my manifestations in the moment because that is the simplest and most efficient way to do it. I also realize that I would rather consider those around me as one with me, and take responsibility for myself instead of lashing out at those around me because I do not accept or allow myself to project my frustration and anger on to others because that is not a solution.

Redefining Words: Peace

Peace (+)

Quiet

Calm

Still

Nothingness

Alone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word peace with a positive charge/value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word ‘peace’ as good/right/positive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ by judging it as good/right/positive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘peace’ with the word ‘quiet’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘quiet’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ and from the word ‘quiet’ by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘quite’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word peace to the word ‘calm’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘calm’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace ‘ and from the word ‘calm’ by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘calm’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘peace’ with the word ‘still’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘still’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ and from the word ‘still’ by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘still’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘peace’ with the word ‘nothingness’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘nothingness’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ and from the word ‘nothingness’ by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘nothingness’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘peace’ with the word ‘alone’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘alone’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ and from the word’ alone’ by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘alone’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to

Peace- my current allocation:

Quiet, Calm, Still, Nothingness, Alone

Dictionary definition:

cessation of or freedom from any strife or dissension.

EXPAND

6.

freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety, an obsession, etc.; tranquillity; serenity.

7.

a state of tranquillity or serenity: May he rest in peace.

8.

a state or condition conducive to, proceeding from, or characterized by tranquillity: the peace of a mountain resort.

9.

silence; stillness: The cawing of a crow broke the afternoon's peace.

Although this definition looks attractive as an idea, it offers no practical way to achieve it within oneself.  

Sounds like: appease, wherein I appease myself within and through suppression to, for a moment, experience some kind of peace.

Or: piece, wherein only a ‘piece’ of me is peaceful, and so I focus only on that one piece instead of taking the entirety of myself into consideration.

So, my new definition for the word peace (with regards to, specifically, ‘inner-peace’) is:

Breathing as self in awareness, to remain self-honest within and through any and all situations and walking them through to stability. Finding practical solutions to problems/friction/conflict, and walking those solutions as the practical application of them as Who I Am.

Sharing Desteni with Friends and Family

When I first found and started watching the Desteni videos I kept it to myself. I projected this belief that the internet has a stigma, and anything found online that goes against normally accepted standards and practices was in a category along with conspiracy theories, crazy people, paranoia, and/or just plain lies. Before I started watching, learning and understanding the Desteni material, I had been watching lectures by people like Maurice Cotterell, I especially liked the one where he proposed a new design for the atom, one that explained how or why they don’t just spring apart. It made sense, and I liked the fact that he was challenging modern science, which I felt left open a lot of holes and lack of understanding, even though it seemed to claim to ‘have all the answers.’

As I watched and understood things like this, I began sharing them with my husband and family. They found it very interesting too. It was a very different path for me to be taking, becoming interested in all this stuff. What I was really interested in was questioning the norm, questioning my accepted beliefs and questioning reality, and I really liked looking into people who were doing the same thing, but actually coming up with better answers. However, I found talking about it all got old fast, because what was the point? Telling people about it wasn’t going to change anything, all it did was upset people’s worldviews. And for what? Nothing, because learning all this stuff was really just filling my head with facts and theories and beyond that – nothing happened. It was just entertainment.  So I accepted that. I decided that it was just entertainment and I would keep it to myself as a hobby or interest when I have nothing to do because I didn’t have television at the time.

But then I happened upon a Desteni video. It really struck me to the core. I watched some more because I really wanted to understand what was being said. I began to think of all my questions that were left unanswered by the other people and groups, only to find that Desteni addressed literally every single question I had. It answered it in full detail, and it fit the answer in to the bigger whole or reality. I kept it to myself because I felt I had already gone overboard with talking about other stuff I had seen online, and Desteni material was quite challenging, not to reality or worldviews, but to who we are as people within that reality. How our own internal nature created that reality, thus making us responsible in every way, and this responsibility starts with ourselves.  

In a way, this is all quite empowering, because once you take responsibility for something you then have the power to change it. This is a huge part of the understanding or message of Desteni. The more responsibility we take for ourselves and our reality, the more we can change it, so let’s start right now because there’s a lot of suffering going on. Slowly I learned about self-forgiveness and I tried it out for myself. I had seen it actually working with other people online, and I could really relate to what they were going through, so I began to do it, and it began to work for me too. This is when my desire to share Desteni became strong. Here I had found something that was totally empowering, that worked, that could actually give you back complete control over your life, and I was doing it myself, and it was changing my life so much, so of course I wanted to share it with those I cared about. However the portal aspect of it was a big problem for me.  I was really worried that people would think I was crazy for accepting the existence of such a thing. I would have.

I had really been on a self-created mission before I found Desteni, one that was challenging my worldview like crazy because I was fed up with not understanding the world and reality, and with all sorts of unexplained things. I had previously felt quite limited by my scepticism in anything even slightly occult or supernatural. I was challenging myself to be open minded, by reading Jung and watching the videos online that I mentioned before, Maurice Cotterell about the atom and he also goes into astrology, and other science like string theory and quantum physics. This was really pushing my limits, so when I came upon Desteni I had become open-minded. I remember reading Jung’s “Memories, Dream and Reflections” where he talks about all sorts of strange and bizarre stuff happening in his life. I would literally pass out because my mind would just shut down at the thought of these things. I could not accept it. But that made me mad, because here I had come to respect Jung and his work for quite some time, and now I was reading this book about occult phenomena and I was physically unable to accept it. I forced myself to finish the book, even though it took months. I had gone through something in that period where I had to physically force myself to have an open mind. I realized and was very aware that I had gone through this, so when I thought about sharing Desteni, which in included the portal aspect, I thought to myself that my friends and family are probably in the position I was in before I forced myself to be open minded. If I look at myself back then, I see that I would in no way, shape or form accept the existence of the portal, and I would distance myself from anyone who believed in such things. So I was really worried about being ostracized.

When I became more comfortable with self-forgiveness and self-honesty, and as I applied them and started to empower myself to not be controlled by my fear of what others may think, and as I understood that I am my own person and no one can take that away from me or diminish me, I shared Desteni. I told my husband about it. He was reasonably sceptical. I showed him a video or two and he didn’t really believe in it, although he heard what was being said, he felt the messenger was unnecessary, and that it was a good gimmick and good marketing. I was disappointed, but I left it at that.

I told a neighbour about it and he thought it was just plain crazy. Then I got a new job in a kitchen with a bunch of other girls. I started talking to them about the empowering things I has been learning about. I could see they were affected by it. So when I was over at the house of the girl I had really clicked with, I decided to show her a video. She watched one and felt it had enough red flags to be considered a cult. I didn’t tell her that all the stuff I had been talking about at work came from these videos. I just dropped it. That’s when I stopped trying to share it.

As time went on though, Desteni become an increasingly big part of my life, as I was becoming more driven and more dedicated to myself, and I was really changing myself. My husband always asks me what I’m thinking, and before, when I was thinking about Desteni, I would lie so I didn’t have to talk about it. But as I began to become more self-honest, I realized, this is who I am, I can’t deny the impact this is all having on me, I’m going to start being honest about it, and if he decides I’m crazy and wants to leave me, then that is what I’ll have to deal with. So I began to talk about it only when he would happen to ask, or if it were relevant to the conversation. It was not easy, but I stood my ground. It’s still not exactly comfortable, but we communicate very well and we have explained to each other where we stand and what we think. He doesn’t have to believe it or accept it, that doesn’t really affect me. But he sees the change and he listens to how I work things out with my tools, and that is undeniable because he witnesses it with his own eyes.

Now I talk about it with him whenever I want because I know he has accepted the fact that this is what I do now and the results have really not affected our relationship. Because the tools have made me ‘more me’, my involvement with the material has actually benefitted my relationship. I am more open and honest with him about everything, and we are creating an environment of self-honesty and trust within which we can share ourselves with each other freely and unconditionally. It’s really actually quite amazing.

I have decided not to talk about Desteni directly with my family. I only speak to them about things that I have lived for myself, meaning I have become the ‘source’ of the information because I am not talking about what someone else did or said, I talk only about what I did or how I handled something for myself. I talk to them about the leadership training, the group in South Africa, the principles and practices, the equal money system.... basically everything but the portal. I will let that come out in time, allowing them to decide when. But the reality is that the portal aspect of the whole thing can be completely removed, and nothing really changes. I don’t feel as if I’m hiding anything from my family because I’m telling them about everything I’m doing, exactly what my plans are, and how I’m doing it all. They know where I stand and what I stand for, and I enjoy talking about it all with them very much. I happened upon Desteni on my own, so maybe one day they will do the same and then they can figure out for themselves where they stand. And no matter how they react, I will stand by everything I have said and done, because I have lived and proven it for myself.

In terms of friends- I don’t talk about it. I don’t see them often enough for them to see the kind of effect or impact I am having on myself by applying the tools, so it’s not in their reality. They are all on facebook where I share my process, so I have no idea how much they know or how much attention they give it. There was a time when I was too scared to share any of it online, but I realized that I found it for myself online, so it would be selfish to just keep it for myself and hide my involvement. I realize that the more people that know about this and become involved in it- the better, because it creates an awareness about who you are and how the world is, and it will be a catalyst for change because it’s about taking responsibility, and the responsibility is undeniable.  If people call me crazy well, like I said, I don’t really see anybody often enough for it to have a real impact on me, so it doesn’t really matter. And if I share myself unconditionally, people will see the change in me, and it will be undeniable as it is for those around me. But I’m still working on sharing myself unconditionally and making videos etc... because of who I was before I pushed myself to have an open mind. I would have been one of the ones calling ‘witch’ and ‘cult’. Definitely- that was me. So now I fear that in others, but with self-forgiveness, I’ll get over that too.

Little Baby Kimberly

Points have been coming up with regards to living with my parents for the past little while. I was not expecting this, but it's a great opportunity to explore myself through the reactions I have been having.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my parents within an emotional reaction of anger, frustration and annoyance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry with my parents because  I feel they are undermine my independence by trying to ‘parent’ me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my parents in anger because when they act like ‘parents’ to me, I feel they are not seeing that I am a mature, self-responsible adult who is capable of navigating her way through this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself by looking at me and defining/judging myself as ‘a mature and self-responsible girl who is capable of navigating her way through this world.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need my parents to recognize that I am ‘mature and self-responsible’, and that they need to show me they have recognized it by treating me differently than they have been treating me for the last 30 years.

I allow myself to realize how ridiculous these reactions are, but how serious it is that I have allowed them to limit and define me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe/feel that I need my parents validation in the form of them treating me like a grown-up/adult/mature person, in order to accept myself as grown-up/adult/mature/self-responsible.

I accept and allow myself to validate my maturity, self-responsibility, adultness and grown-up-ness by actually living as these things in my daily life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility by thinking/believing/perceiving that if my parents treated me a certain way I would in fact be a different way. Only I can change me, and those around me may never treat me differently no matter how much I change, so I might as well stop waiting (I’m only ever waiting for me).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility with the excuse that I’m waiting for others to validate my change to prove to me that it’s real.

 It’s real.

I allow myself to stop waiting for others to recognize my self-change, I let go of the expectation that others should treat me differently, and I allow myself to simply change me Here, breath by breath, without the need for  any form of validation or recognition whatsoever.

I do not accept or allow myself to rely on others, specifically my parents, to tell me who or what or how I am.

I do not accept or allow myself to fall back into old patterns of the parent-child relationship I was brought up with because they are comfortable and familiar.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define taking self-responsibility as hard and falling into the role of daughter as easy.

I do not accept or allow these patterns, habits and ‘the way people treat me’ to affect who or how I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that my parents/family/environment has limited me. Only I have limited myself within the belief that I am defined by my parents/family/environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within the belief that my parents/family/environment defines me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that I need to define me in order to know who and how I am, or who and how to be. I direct me to become who I am as Life in every moment and every breath.

I allow myself to walk into the uncertainty of not defining me, and not scripting out who I am/will be within a given situation, I allow myself to walk in self-trust with the tools of self-honesty and self-forgiveness and self-direction in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anger, frustration and annoyance towards my parents/environment to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become angry/anger, frustrated/frustration, annoyed/annoyance within and because of my accepted and allowed backchat, and my reactions to it, instead of breathing Here, in awareness and self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the backchat of the mind when my parents ‘parent’ me through giving me advice, making sure I have everything I need, checking to see how I’m doing, talking to me like a child, and asking me questions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be or become frustrate by myself because I have accepted and allowed this pattern to constantly and continuously repeat within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as annoyed because of separation as blame to/towards my parents because I believe they are ‘causing me’ to react, when in fact it is me reacting to my own backchat and insecurity as I reflect my self-judgment back to myself through my parents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself through self-judgment as I look at or see myself through the eyes of my parents, instead of realizing I am only judging myself through my own eyes, and  I am projecting my own beliefs of who I think my parents want me to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project a thought/idea/belief of ‘who I think my parents want me to be’ onto my parents, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to ‘be that’ to/towards them. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel or react within and as frustration, anger or annoyance because I am not being myself, or because I, in self-judgment, think believe or perceive that I am not ‘that’ which I desire to be, because of my projected belief of what I ‘should be’ as a ‘good daughter’ according to what I think or believe my parents ‘want’ me to be, which is actually my own projection.

I allow myself to let go of these thoughts, ideas and beliefs of what I think I should be as a ‘good daughter’, and I allow myself to just be.

I allow myself to be the self-direction that I need to be in order to not continue the patterns of reactions that are enslaving me and which are abusive to myself and those around me as I react to them.

I allow myself to be the discipline I require myself to be to stop myself from participating in the mind of thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions and backchat, specifically here with regards to my parents and my interaction with them.

I allow myself to breathe though my reactions to my parents ‘parenting me’, and find the humour within and as this situation, as it is quite ‘typical,’ and any attempt for me to change it is pointless, I can only change me.

When I notice myself going into an emotional reaction of anger, frustration and/or annoyance to/towards my parents I STOP, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within and as humour/laughter, as I laugh in the face of my ego, which is apparently so fragile that my mother can topple it with a glance and my dad can crush it with his presence. I realize that the only way to transcend this point is by stopping my reaction to it, and by realizing that all the validation in the world won’t change who I am, only I can change me through self-direction and self-movement, within self-honesty, in time.

Facing Resistances Within Self-Movement

Jan 18^th 2012

Today I felt very frustrated in the morning. The thoughts that were coming up connected to the frustration were that

1)      I never have enough time to do anything

2)      I’m always in a rush

3)      I’m so busy I wish I could just have a break and relax

4)      It’s just too much, I just can’t handle it.

The first two thoughts definitely go together, and are a result of the fact that I’m still working on self-movement. I have extreme physical reactions to moving myself, it’s like, these great resistances and there’s anxiety in there because I become overwhelmed, I have been getting overwhelmed more easily recently and as I write this the thought came up that last semester ‘did me in’, and ‘I never really got a break’, it’s just been go go go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I never have time to do anything, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I’m always in a rush.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought I never have time to do anything to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought that I’m always in a rush to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional energetic charge of ‘hurried’ stress and anxiety to the thoughts that I never have enough time to do anything and I’m always in a rush, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become influenced by the ‘hurried’ stress and anxiety energy by participating within and as it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the mind by reacting within emotional energetic experiences to thoughts, thus allowing the thoughts to influence and have control over me instead of me directing myself Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in my thoughts instead of remaining present and aware, in breathe, wherein I realize that I am the directive principle and  will push me to move myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust me, that I will move me. I will move me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the resistances I feel when I move me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe those resistances are ‘real’, or that they are indicating that something is ‘wrong’ and I shouldn’t be doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that something, such as self-movement, ‘should’ feel ‘good’ or ‘right’, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I need pleasant emotional experiences to be able to move myself.

I see/realize/understand that self-movement is not moving me with energy, which is what I’m used to. There is no force or motivation other than me and sheer will. I understand I have become addicted to and dependant on energy to move me throughout my day, and as I move myself instead as the directive principle of me it will be different.

I do not accept or allow myself to be addicted to or dependant on energy to move me through my day.

I do not accept or allow myself to become discouraged because I have defined self-movement as ‘hard,’ ‘tough’ or ‘difficult’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define self-movement as ‘hard’, ‘tough,’ and ‘difficult’ because it is new to me and I am not used to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy, and to believe laziness is ‘nice’ ‘comfortable’ and ‘easy’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing myself by being lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-responsibility to laziness, by being lazy and stubborn and unwilling to budge from comfortable habits.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that comfort is ‘good’ and should be sought out, at least not this kind of comfort- which is the stagnant kind that I use to not face me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use comfort to avoid facing me.

I allow myself to face myself within facing these resistances I’m having towards self-movement.

I allow myself to become one with these resistances so that I can change myself as them.

I allow myself to be the strength, determination, commitment, assertiveness, patience and will to walk through these resistances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive these resistances are bigger than me.

I see/realize and understand that I created these resistances and I am completely capable, able and willing to take responsibility for them, and walk them until I am changed as them, until I move me here while nothing moves inside me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the energetic experience of frustrated instead of breathing Here.

I realize that when I am present I get more done effectively and when I am frustrated I make more mistakes and do things improperly or forget details, which just adds to/feeds the feeling of frustration wherein it’s almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the energetic experience of ‘frustration’ to the thought ‘I never have enough time to do anything’ and ‘I am always rushed.’

I allow myself to be and become ‘enough time;’ by being Here, in the moment, and I allow myself be presence and awareness of breath as I walk through the resistances I face as I face me and the totality of what I have created through my acceptances and allowances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the energetic experience of frustration and then look for ways to feed it, small things that I can manipulate into ‘frustrating’ which normally would not be so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself by turning small things into ‘frustration; in order to feed and confirm my energetic experience, thus confirming to me as my mind that these experiences are real, or that they are valid, when in fact they are merely taking me away from now operating wholly.]

I do not allow myself to be fooled by the mind and by the self-manipulation techniques I use to feed my energetic experiences of myself.

I do not allow myself to manipulate me.

I allow myself the strength, self-will and self-determination as well as patience and commitment to ‘call myself out’, breathe, and bring myself back here when I feel/realize that I ‘m participating within an energetic experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I need a break to relax instead of realizing that this type of ‘break’ is a backdoor to cave in to resistances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed backdoors to continue to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the mind-polarity of work/break, I am fully aware of when I am using a break as an escape, a chance to be lazy instead of facing myself.

I realize that taking a break after I have worked hard and ‘given it my all’ is understandable, and it is a time that I can rest with the physical, but otherwise I am using it as an excuse to avoid walking my resistances.

I allow myself to be the strength, discipline and self-will required to stop myself when I believe I need a break, to breathe and to push myself through, so that I can see what will happen as I move me.