Facing Resistances Within Self-Movement

Jan 18^th 2012

Today I felt very frustrated in the morning. The thoughts that were coming up connected to the frustration were that

1)      I never have enough time to do anything

2)      I’m always in a rush

3)      I’m so busy I wish I could just have a break and relax

4)      It’s just too much, I just can’t handle it.

The first two thoughts definitely go together, and are a result of the fact that I’m still working on self-movement. I have extreme physical reactions to moving myself, it’s like, these great resistances and there’s anxiety in there because I become overwhelmed, I have been getting overwhelmed more easily recently and as I write this the thought came up that last semester ‘did me in’, and ‘I never really got a break’, it’s just been go go go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I never have time to do anything, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I’m always in a rush.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought I never have time to do anything to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought that I’m always in a rush to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional energetic charge of ‘hurried’ stress and anxiety to the thoughts that I never have enough time to do anything and I’m always in a rush, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become influenced by the ‘hurried’ stress and anxiety energy by participating within and as it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the mind by reacting within emotional energetic experiences to thoughts, thus allowing the thoughts to influence and have control over me instead of me directing myself Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in my thoughts instead of remaining present and aware, in breathe, wherein I realize that I am the directive principle and  will push me to move myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust me, that I will move me. I will move me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the resistances I feel when I move me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe those resistances are ‘real’, or that they are indicating that something is ‘wrong’ and I shouldn’t be doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that something, such as self-movement, ‘should’ feel ‘good’ or ‘right’, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I need pleasant emotional experiences to be able to move myself.

I see/realize/understand that self-movement is not moving me with energy, which is what I’m used to. There is no force or motivation other than me and sheer will. I understand I have become addicted to and dependant on energy to move me throughout my day, and as I move myself instead as the directive principle of me it will be different.

I do not accept or allow myself to be addicted to or dependant on energy to move me through my day.

I do not accept or allow myself to become discouraged because I have defined self-movement as ‘hard,’ ‘tough’ or ‘difficult’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define self-movement as ‘hard’, ‘tough,’ and ‘difficult’ because it is new to me and I am not used to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy, and to believe laziness is ‘nice’ ‘comfortable’ and ‘easy’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing myself by being lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-responsibility to laziness, by being lazy and stubborn and unwilling to budge from comfortable habits.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that comfort is ‘good’ and should be sought out, at least not this kind of comfort- which is the stagnant kind that I use to not face me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use comfort to avoid facing me.

I allow myself to face myself within facing these resistances I’m having towards self-movement.

I allow myself to become one with these resistances so that I can change myself as them.

I allow myself to be the strength, determination, commitment, assertiveness, patience and will to walk through these resistances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive these resistances are bigger than me.

I see/realize and understand that I created these resistances and I am completely capable, able and willing to take responsibility for them, and walk them until I am changed as them, until I move me here while nothing moves inside me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the energetic experience of frustrated instead of breathing Here.

I realize that when I am present I get more done effectively and when I am frustrated I make more mistakes and do things improperly or forget details, which just adds to/feeds the feeling of frustration wherein it’s almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the energetic experience of ‘frustration’ to the thought ‘I never have enough time to do anything’ and ‘I am always rushed.’

I allow myself to be and become ‘enough time;’ by being Here, in the moment, and I allow myself be presence and awareness of breath as I walk through the resistances I face as I face me and the totality of what I have created through my acceptances and allowances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the energetic experience of frustration and then look for ways to feed it, small things that I can manipulate into ‘frustrating’ which normally would not be so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself by turning small things into ‘frustration; in order to feed and confirm my energetic experience, thus confirming to me as my mind that these experiences are real, or that they are valid, when in fact they are merely taking me away from now operating wholly.]

I do not allow myself to be fooled by the mind and by the self-manipulation techniques I use to feed my energetic experiences of myself.

I do not allow myself to manipulate me.

I allow myself the strength, self-will and self-determination as well as patience and commitment to ‘call myself out’, breathe, and bring myself back here when I feel/realize that I ‘m participating within an energetic experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I need a break to relax instead of realizing that this type of ‘break’ is a backdoor to cave in to resistances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed backdoors to continue to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the mind-polarity of work/break, I am fully aware of when I am using a break as an escape, a chance to be lazy instead of facing myself.

I realize that taking a break after I have worked hard and ‘given it my all’ is understandable, and it is a time that I can rest with the physical, but otherwise I am using it as an excuse to avoid walking my resistances.

I allow myself to be the strength, discipline and self-will required to stop myself when I believe I need a break, to breathe and to push myself through, so that I can see what will happen as I move me.

Releasing My Self-Definitions

In walking 'backwards through time' to see/realize /understand how I have created myself as who and how I am through the layering of acceptances and allowances of past memories, thoughts, feelings, emotions, experiences etc.... I have decided to walk through some of the main ways in which I have defined myself.

I'm starting with beauty because I've noticed, now that I'm back in a busy city, that I am experiencing self-judgment about my appearance. When I used to live in the city, I worked at a bar. I dressed to impress, seduce, entice, invite etc... because I was working for tips. I got a lot of attention from men through the bartender- customer dynamic and have developed many beliefs and self-definitions which I need to now walk through and let go.

With the self-definition of beauty I have found the eternal search for recognition and reconfirmation from others of everything I have associated with 'what it means to be beautiful'. I'm done with endless searches now as only I can recognize and confirm myself, and the only valid recognition and confirmation is within understanding/realizing/being and becoming oneness and equality with and as all Life.

I will begin with purifying the word and re-defining it, and then forgiving myself of all the ways in which I have lived and separated myself through living my beliefs and perceptions of beauty.

Purifying Beautiful:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word beautiful with a positive/good charge/value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘beautiful’ to a positive or good polarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe or think that to be beautiful is good or positive, and to be ugly is bad or negative.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect to word beautiful to the word feminine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word
feminine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful and from the word feminine by defining the word beautiful within the word feminine in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word beautiful to the word successful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word successful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful and from the word successful by defining the word beautiful within the word success, or successful, in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word beautiful to the word special.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word special.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful and from the word special, by defining the word beautiful within the word special in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word beautiful to the word important.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word important.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful and from the word important by defining the word beautiful within the word important in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word beautiful to the word popular.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word popular.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful and from the word popular by defining the word beautiful within the word popular in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word beautiful to the word happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful
and from the word happy by defining the word beautiful within the word happy in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word beauty to the word resent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word resent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful and from the word resentment by defining the word beautiful within the word resentment in separation of myself.

Dictionary definition:
adjective
1.
having beauty; having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind: a beautiful dress; a beautiful speech.
2.
excellent of its kind: a beautiful putt on the seventh hole; The chef served us a beautiful roast of beef.
3.
wonderful; very pleasing or satisfying.

Sounds like: BE YoU To the FULLest

New Definition:
Beautiful: 1)wonderful, very pleasing or satisfying to be one’s self as one’s full self expression within presence and awareness, Here, with and as, and within consideration of all of Life. 2) to be and become one’s self-expression within self-mastery, self-acceptance, self-forgiveness and self-love, to the fullest extent is to be satisfaction and to be great pleasure. 3) To be and become excellence as full self-expression, as self-perfection, as who one is as Life.

SF on Beauty:
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself within the want, need and desire to be perceived as beautiful or pretty.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that beautiful people are more important , and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that beautiful people count more, and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to that beautiful people are more exceptional and valuable, therefore, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire to be beautiful so that I can ‘feel’ more important, think/believe and perceive that I count more oram more exceptional and valuable than the rest of life, instead of realizing/seeing/understanding that beauty it a construct of society that is not real/not based in anything real, and it supports inequality and does not take into consideration what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try/need to/desire to manipulate men and women with my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel important because I define myself as or perceive my human physical body as desireable/desired/envied.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from life by defining myself within the mind, and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need or desire to perceive myself as ‘more-than’ the rest of life, instead of realizing and seeing my oneness and equality to all that is here.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the energetic polarity of positive beauty and negative ugliness.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity of important/unimportant, by viewing some humans as more important than others based on their appearance. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that more beautiful human beings are more important. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that more beautiful human beings are more valuable human beings. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think believe or perceive that what I’ve defined as ‘more beautiful’ human beings are more exceptional human beings. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity of exceptional/unexceptional by believing some human beings are more exceptional then others.

Nobody is an exception from Life, we are all one and equal within and as Life.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to value myself unconditionally, but instead have focused on my strengths and weaknesses.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize my unconditional worth as Life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire people to look at me and give me attention, so that I can think, believe or perceive that they are judging me as beautiful, important, exceptional and more-than others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire others to perceive me as beautiful.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need or desire others to perceive me as valuable.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my self-value by wanting, needing and desiring others to perceive me as valuable.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire others to perceive my as exceptional.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire others to perceive me as more than.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to value myself and realize my importance thus within this separation I’ve developed the habit of seeking my self-importance and my self-value in the glances of others, wherein I project my own judgment of beauty and its qualities and project it back to myself through my interpretation of their glances and looks.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as unexceptional and less-than, therefore I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to seek the polarity opposite as exceptional and more-than within my projected self-judgement through and as the judgement of myself through and as others as beautiful.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to men and women by needing them to think I am beautiful to confirm my self-definition as ego.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself by defining myself as beautiful.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place worth or value in beauty as appearance, so I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my worth and value by placing it in my appearance and the judgment of other’s based on my appearance, thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to depend upon others judgment to believe I have self worth and value, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that my self-value and self-worth is within me as who I am as Life, and not in who I’ve defined myself as within ego and self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as pretty.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as important.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire special treatment from others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire flattery from others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as special and unspecial.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, through separation, seek special treatment and flattery from others to manipulate my inner experience of myself, instead of realizing my wholeness as life, as here within breath.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give away my power by wanting, needing and desiring flattery and special treatment from others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to depend upon others to make me feel ‘good’ and whole, instead of standing up as who I am as life regardless of my inner experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the deception of the mind by believing my thoughts, feelings and emotions are who I am, thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to depend upon my thoughts, feelings and emotions to tell me who I am instead of realizing they are not me, they are mind and ego, and mind and ego are not Life, and I stand up from within and as mind and ego as who I am as Life.

I do not accept or allow myself to participate within and as the energetic polarities of beauty/ugliness, special/unspecial, worth/worthless, important/unimportant, exceptional/unexceptional, good/bad.

I do not accept or allow myself to feed the mind as energy by participating within and as the polarities of the mind.

I do not accept or allow myself to separate myself through self-judgment.

I do not accept or allow myself to seek myself, my self-worth and my wholeness from/within others outside myself in separation of me.

I do not accept or allow myself to participate in self-judgment or the judgment of others.

I do not accept or allow myself to participate within the beauty demon of the mind.

I do not accept or allow myself to seek to be more than who I am , or more than others.

I accept and allow myself to be, see and realize my self-worth, my wholeness and my self-expression as who I am as Life.

I accept and allow myself to take myself back from and as that which I have used to separate myself with and as.

I accept and allow myself to realize and see my unconditional worth and value as life

Facing Life

Today I did not set an alarm to wake up because I am still feeling sick from my cold. When I got up I noticed the experience of too-much-ness which I have been experiencing over the past few months as overwhelmingness. During the summer I had been brought to tears from it several times, but now that I’ve listened to Bernard’s interview about this specific experience I understand it is the accumulation of attention towards a particular point. In my case I know that the points I had been working on were focus, self-discipline, time-management and of course, self-directive. These points have been extreme problems in my life in the form of avoiding them, evading them, so it’s a big shift for me to start incorporating them into my living application. I have had much resistance and physical discomfort as I have been working on these points, as well as emotional discomfort in the form of this overwhelming sensation wherein ‘it’s just all too much’. But I’ve gotten through that now and I am coming out on the other side of it with more determination and, as Bernard mentioned, a new perspective or point of view on this experience, and on what leads up to it and how it plays out for me.

My new perspective on this is that I now look at life, or my current experience in terms of the bigger picture. I noticed throughout this that I would normally tend to focus on all the tiny details and obsess over them and I tend to miss the bigger pattern or the bigger goal of what it is that I’m doing.

Within this, when I feel myself being pulled into the experience of being overwhelmed I stop myself immediately by concentrating on my breath and becoming aware of my physical body until my heart starts beating normally. This calms me down, whereas before I would, in a way ‘go with it’ and everything would seem to be happening very fast and I would feel that I couldn’t keep up. I would try to do everything right away and would always end up at the same spot: exhausted, usually sick, tired and feeling like I can’t do it. Feeling like I can’t keep up and I want to give up and I start letting things go and start falling behind etc... This pattern explains the tendency to start projects really strongly and then fizzle out toward the end, and then go into some sort of death throws just to survive and complete the task- whether it be school or a job or whatever. It’s really a very unpleasant experience and therefore I’m determined to correct it so I can stop beating myself up and no longer abuse myself in this way anymore.

Also within all this is the realization that I can only effectively accumulate myself, my self-will, self-discipline, self-directive principle (which will lead to better focus, better time management, and better self-movement) slowly over time. I can’t exert all my energy and completely wipe myself out and expect myself to gain any kind of effective self-support and self-trust this way. It’s more like self-sabotage.so I realize that to take it easy on myself is not to be lazy, but to first of all not let myself go into an experience of anxiety, stress and overwhelmingness, but to instead ‘check myself’ in breath. When I do this I calm down to a point of clarity wherein I can ask myself ‘what do I really need to do right now’ and then ‘am I capable of doing this effectively’ meaning, doing it with my all, complete focus and stability. If not, then I need to take care of myself like sit down and breathe or eat or drink something or simply stop and change environments and do something else.

Secondly, when I do decide within calmness and clarity, to do something, I commit to doing it fully. Today I experienced resistance to this type of situation in class. I have decided to take fewer longer classes instead of many short classes. This means paying attention and keeping my focus for 2 and a half hours at a time. This is very difficult for me and I experience the physical resistance to it as physical discomfort and I also become easily distracted.

The pattern I’m breaking here is the desire to get lost in my own ‘little world’ in my head, which I used to do every day in class since I was very young. I would draw or play in my desk. Now I listen, try to understand and try to take good notes. But it’s still hard at the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel seduced by the desire to escape into my mind in class when I need to instead focus and remain present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become easily distracted instead of remaining present and aware for the complete duration of the class, so that I can understand the material, do well, and be effective in the system.

 I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to exercise the will power and self-discipline to keep myself ‘in line’ while I’m in class, and instead waste my time by doodling and fantasizing about things that I don’t even remember.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be seduced by my fantasies because they seem so interesting and so much more interesting than the lecture when in fact they are not that interesting but rather variations of the same old fantasies I’ve been having for years. They go nowhere, they’re good for nothing and they’re a waste of my time when I should be learning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the classroom experience as boring and unbearable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the classroom experience as boring and unbearable because I’m trying to escape taking responsibility for my own learning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the classroom experience as boring and unbearable because it hard. It’s hard to learn new things and it;s hard to discipline myself and stay focused and integrate new information into my understanding of myself and my world, and thus far I have been lazy, which is what has made it all ‘hard’.

In reality it’s not hard, it just is. There is no value judgment for me to place on my daily experience, only whether I am applying myself fully-or not. When I am applying myself I face resistances, which make the experience seem ‘hard’ simply because it’s not easy and comfortable to change oneself and one’s patterns, habits, addictions, beliefs and definition.

 So it’s not that any of this is hard, it’s just that it’s uncomfortable and new. And what I’ve learned thus far in my process is that I can just focus on my breath during and throughout that discomfort and it will fade. The energy will eventually run out and I will remain, I will return to stability in the end, and with my focus and determination and my application of breath, I can remain stable throughout the experience as well.

So I allow myself to remain dedicated to my process and myself by remaining focused and fully present throughout the duration of my classes.

I do not accept or allow myself to be seduced by my thoughts and fantasies and desire to doodle and escape pushing myself through willing myself to focus and remain present throughout my classes’ duration.

Also, a few pointers to myself on a side note-

I noticed that I become distracted and brought into an energetic experience of self judgement when I look at all the students and pedestrians in and around school, on public transportation and on the shuttle bus etc...

-          In this respect I will work on not reacting to all the many people around me and rather focus on the bigger picture: why am I here, what am I doing right now to achieve that goal? Am I being the most effective I can be while taking it easy on myself? Am I being self honest? What am I standing as as an example right now in this moment? And Am I present?

-         

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at other students and people and judge what they are wearing and compare myself to them in self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other people based on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as others based on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by placing value on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself in my mind of judgment when I look at people around me instead of remaining present as breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape facing myself as who I am as life by going into my mind by placing importance on the physical appearance of things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people’s motivations for what they choose to wear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my motivations for what I choose to wear to come from a starting point of fear of judgment or of self-interest instead of just dressing practically and comfortably.

I do not accept or allow myself to judge others based on what they are wearing.

I do not accept or allow myself to judge other based on my projected ideas of their motivations behind how they dress.

I do not accept and allow myself to dress myself in order to impress anybody or with the belief that I will be judged. The only judgment is self-judgment.

I accept and allow myself to move through the day without reacting in judgment to the people around me.

I accept and allow myself to experience myself within crowds without being influenced or moved by their presence.

I accept myself unconditionally within big groups, and I move myself according to what’s best for all, and not what’s best for me.

I accept and allow myself to remain present within the crowds of downtown, within awareness as breath, without reaction, just silence within as stillness as stability as life.

_________________________

Separation Causing Self-Judgment

When I look back to the time in my life where I felt the most ‘insecure,’ I realize that what I experienced within and as myself was a complete devaluation of self. I attempted to understand my experience within myself by comparing myself to those around me, leaving me feeling isolated, alone and without an innate sense of value or worth. I experienced this comparison as: everyone seeming happy, certain, confident and sure of their place, while I felt confused, different, scared, confused and helpless to change. I was desperately looking for myself, my sense of wholeness, and during and throughout that search I ended up separating myself further, losing myself further in an attempt to be like others and experience myself as others project their experience of themselves. Now I see it’s quite possible that I projected the same confidence and certainty, happiness and security within this separation, as I attempted to hide my perceived vulnerability. Within this false projection of self I supressed all negative experiences of myself, not taking responsibility for them but instead fearing them, hiding them deep within myself in the hopes that they would just go away and disappear. Instead they compounded and manifested, while who I really am became deserted and neglected. This experience manifested itself through recurring dreams wherein I would happen upon a dying animal which I had been responsible for in some forgotten place in a house, usually the basement. I would find it-usually a hamster or fish or gerbil- an actual animal that I had had as a pet- and it would be in some filthy cage with no food or water. Upon seeing it I would suddenly remember that I was supposed to have fed and cared for it, but had completely forgotten about it, and I would feel overwhelmed with guilt and dread at what I had done. I always knew, even as a teenager, that that animal was me, but I never understood how to care for and nurture self, or how to stop (self-forgive) the self-neglect and resultant self-disgust, guilt and dread.

Guilt, dread and disgust are words which resonate within me when considering what I have accepted and allowed myself to do unto myself through my participation in the mind as self-dishonesty, suppression and separation of self (thus neglecting and deserting my true self as who I really am as life). Now I fear facing what I have done unto myself. I fear the dread, the guilt and self-hate, disgust and resentment that I must face within and as myself, as it is entirely self-created and designed and lived out over the years by myself as the mind. I have no one to blame and nowhere left to run. I am entirely responsible for my experience of myself and only I can forgive myself and direct myself through it.

But what I realize now is that I am ready and willing to forgive myself for it, for all of it, thus humbling myself completely in the face of myself. Such an act of grace, of actual unconditional love and kindness that I am willing to give myself as a gift of self back to self is something I have never experienced nor ever thought possible. I thought only Christ himself or some divine being would be capable or such compassion, power and mercy, and in the face of this I feel unworthy as everything I have done unto myself comes back to haunt me to my very core. But as I am both forgiver and forgiven, I allow myself to stand within this separation of self-judgment in all its many forms so that I may stop this repeating cycle and forgive myself for it and release myself from it, once and for all, so that I can find myself whole again and stand one and equal to all that is here. But the first step can only be forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have lost myself by searching for myself, my wholeness, my completeness, my self-worth and my peace of mind, outside of myself, within participation in the mind through continuously chasing illusions and shadows, instead of stopping myself in each moment to realize that I am Here already, and that in this endless search and chase for myself I have further separated myself from myself as who I really am as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have supressed myself, and to continue to supress myself within the belief that Who I Am cannot already be existent within myself, because of the belief that all that is existent within myself is fear, dread, guilt, self-disgust, neglect and desertion. And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Who I Really Am As Life and can only be sought outside myself, within experiences of myself as the mind, and within and through the validation of others, instead of realizing that Who I Really Am As Life is what is in fact within me, and the fear, dread, guilt, self-disgust, neglect and desertion are only beliefs of the mind, and are in fact not real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the fear, dread, guilt, self-disgust, neglect and desertion that I experienced within myself real by participating in them and believing them to be real, believing them to be who I am, thus living them into my reality, instead of forgiving myself and releasing myself from them in order to discover who I really am beneath all the layers of beliefs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear, dread, guilt, self-disgust, neglect and desertion to exist within and as me, as a result of my outward searching for my inward self, creating the separation that make these experiences possible. And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe these experiences of myself to be real, and to be who I am as I have, within the belief of their real-ness, defined myself according to them, as them, instead of seeing and realizing that these feelings are self-created experiences of the mind which I have accepted and allowed within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within and as fear, dread, guilt, self-disgust, neglect and desertion in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own self-created fear, dread, guilt, self-disgust, neglect and desertion, thus actually becoming them as my inner experience of self, instead of realizing myself as breath, as Life, with the ability to direct myself, to take responsibility for my experience of self in every moment ,Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continuously attempt to escape my inner experience of myself through suppression, neglect and desertion of myself while I chase manifested external experiences to try to justify and validate myself as ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am my ego, and within that belief to attempt to satisfy that insatiable ego through the manipulation and abuse of myself and others in my world, particularly in this case, through the manipulation of men and the absolute betrayal of self I experienced within this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that in order for me to experience myself as happy, confident, certain and ‘sure of my place in the world’ is by having males desire me in order to make me feel important and special, because of the experience of myself beginning at the age of about 12 years old, wherein I developed the belief that  ‘other girls are happy, confident, certain and sure of their place in the world because boys like them, making them special and more important’.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my interpretation of external events were actually entirely due to my inner experience of incompleteness (feeling un-whole, un-special, un-important within myself), causing me to seek to fulfil and complete my ego as the mind, thus interpreting events within and as the mind instead of as Myself as Life, wherein I did not see what was really going on, but rather only a reflection of myself and my accumulated beliefs and self-definitions causing further separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to my own interpretation of external events which caused separation and self-judgment, which caused jealousy, hate and resentment within me which I projected on to other beings in my world, viewing them as greater than me, leaving me feeling devalued, worthless, less-than, unimportant and un-special within myself, instead of realizing that I am a whole, complete being who is Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others need to treat me a certain way in order for me to feel better, meaning, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-responsibility on to others by depending on them to ‘fix’ my inner experience of myself by ‘making it better for me’ within the belief that I am powerless to change myself for myself.

I accept and allow myself to see and realize that I have all the power and directive principle I will ever need within me already to change myself and to be my own self-directive principle.

I accept and allow myself to see and realize that all of the negative emotions and inner experiences of myself are only ever of the mind and always have been, and I accept and allow myself to see and realize that I am willing to unconditionally forgive myself for all I have ever accepted and allowed myself to be and become, so that I may change and realize myself as Life, Here.

I accept and allow myself to see and realize that the positive emotions and positive inner experiences of myself are only polarity energetic charges within me, manifesting their polar opposites, and I do not accept or allow myself to participate in either end of the energetic polarity within my mind whatsoever.

I accept and allow myself to see and realize myself as breath, as Life, with the ability to direct myself, to take responsibility for my experience of self in every moment, Here.

I accept and allow myself to see and realize that I am a complete and whole being who is (and always has been) Here.

Family Relations

 I’ve decided to start my self-forgiveness on some feelings, thoughts and emotions that are coming up in reaction to the fact that I have a group of family members coming to town to stay with me for 5 days, simply because that is what’s going on in my life at the moment. I have no particular problem or issues with any of these individuals, in fact we all get along very well (and if I did have ‘problems’ with any individual, I would look inside myself for the cause, because that’s where it its origin is, within me, meaning, it’s MY problem and I will take responsibility for it, correct it and move on).
The reactions that are coming up are due to my own acceptances and allowances and are really only existent in my mind. I would rather have an enjoyable visit and not have to concern myself with any unnecessary discomfort, blockages or limitations, so I’m doing this before they arrive, rather than afterwards.
I’m doing this because of the reactions that are coming up, such as stress (will I have enough food/money etc...), anxieties (will they have a good time, will everyone get along?) and fears (will I become overwhelmed by so many people in my house, will everything work out?) and then many thoughts which are simply a result of past experiences.
In the past, I have had trouble expressing myself around my family. This is not due to anything they have done, nor has anything been done ‘to me’ by them to have ‘made’ me fall into these patterns. It is actually a result of me defining myself in relation to them, and now that I know how to decide for myself what I want my experience to be (which is to be capable of expressing myself as who I am around any person I come in to contact with), I will direct myself accordingly within the principle of equality and oneness.
Family relationships are complicated and complex, I think, within any family. I have been working through this for some time now, and my current reactions to this upcoming visit have provided me with the opportunity of having more points to work with.
So I’m just going to start with whatever is coming up in the moment and move on from there. Hopefully more points will come up that I hadn’t considered as I dig deeper and remove the layers which prohibit me from ‘just being myself.’

Self-Forgiveness on Family:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself around my family.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stressed around my family because I want everything to go perfectly, I want to impress them and I feel responsible for the quality of the visit.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my family visit to go ‘perfectly’, as if such a thing existed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the desire for a ‘perfect visit’ to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project in to the future and imagine all the things that could go ‘wrong’ during a family visit, such as conflict between people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because I’m not comfortable with people not acting like everything is ok, fine and perfect all the time, as I have done my whole life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act like everything is ok, fine and perfect all the time instead of expressing myself as who I am in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself by acting like everything is ok, fine and perfect all the time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the ideal of ‘everything being ok, fine and perfect all the time’ to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as ‘one who is ok, fine and perfect all the time’ instead of expressing who I really am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as ok, fine and perfect all the time instead of existing Here, within and as the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear existing Here, as the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because it’s more ‘real’ than what I’m used to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because it would reveal that everything is not fine, ok and perfect all the time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because it reveals to me that I am not fine, ok and perfect all the time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because it reveals to me the conflict within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the conflict within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid the conflict within me by pretending that I’m fine, ok and perfect all the time.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust that I can stand in the face of my inner conflict.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing conflict to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing separation within myself, which creates inner conflict, self-judgment and emotional turmoil.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself by existing within and as my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within and as the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing separation within myself by existing within and as ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within and as ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing inner conflict, self-judgment and ego to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that which is not the pre-programmed design.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have habituated myself to a ‘script’ wherein I play a role within a pre-programmed design, where everything is ok, fine and perfect all the time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate myself to a script, rather than taking responsibility for myself as life, because the script is more comfortable, and it’s what I’m used to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to choose comfort and habitual patterns over life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tempted and seduced into the pre-programmed design because it seems easier, more comfortable and safe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tempted and seduced by experiential living rather than living according to principle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define/believe/perceive living according to principle to be hard, scary and tiring.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself into comfortable habits and patterns instead of facing myself as life, Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because I can’t control it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because I feel I need to choose a side.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to chose sides rather than standing on my own two feet, alone, in oneness and equality with all that’s Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because it reminds me of past conflicts where I felt powerless and scared.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless and scared in the face of conflict.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing powerlessness and fear, within the context of conflict, to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to rely on harmony and stability outside of myself in order to experience it within.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from harmony and stability by holding on to the belief that it needs to exist within the relationships in my world in order for it to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from harmony and stability by defining harmony and stability within the relationships in my world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the topic of Desteni to be brought up by family.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face the realness of Desteni, by fearing facing it in other people.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself enough to speak about Dseteni to others with full confidence and understanding.
To be continued...

Why am I Blogging?

     I've started this blog as a commitment to myself, so that I can share myself in self-support, and support for others who may be going through similar experiences. I understand that through writing I am taking responsibility for my words and actions as well as learning to write self-honestly, wherein I am holding myself accountable for any self-judgments, reactions, projections and fears. Within this accountability, I will be using the process of self-forgiveness which I learned/am learning how to apply effectively through studying the Desteni material.

     This process is a 'taking back of self', or a 'gifting back of self', through self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application. (From living in and as the mind to living 'here' as awareness).

     I will begin my blogs by 'writing myself out', free-flow style, so that I can take what's going on in my mind and lay it out on paper, literally bringing my thoughts into the physical where I can keep track of and work with them. I will then go over my 'mind on paper' to see, in self-honesty, what I react to or where I am deceiving myself, and to check for any self-manipulation or abdication of responsibility. This will be followed by my self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements.
     I have been keeping a written journal for almost a month now. It was a first step in disciplining myself to write every day and to practice writing honestly. It was that simple act that brought me to this point of sharing openly what it is I'm going through. Over time my writing and application will become more effective.
     Sharing this process publicly brings up reactions of fear of judgment, embarrassment, self-consciousness and feeling exposed, but I understand that these feelings are universal among humans, and that underneath what we present we are all facing ourselves in one way or another. So we can either do this openly and learn from each other, or we can do it in isolation.  I base my choice on common sense. How did I get to this point?
I am not only blogging for this reason though. I am blogging to take myself back, so that I can live actual self change therefor affecting change in this world. Part of my process is standing unconditionally for equality and oneness which is translated practically to standing for an equal money system and clearing my own starting point in everything I do to one of equality.