Negative Self-Talk Chipping Away at my Resolve

Fear of Failure - Back Chat

I heard a quote similar to this (title) the other day. Actually it was “backchat chipping away at your resolve micro piece by micro piece,” (BP) and it hit me. Something clicked within me with regards to the nature of back chat, of my back chat and of what it is doing to me and in my life. I have been noticing that as I get closer to the end of my stay in my hometown, and to the end of my semester at school, I’ve been feeling more and more defeated. I’ve been feeling like I can’t handle the pressure, like events in my life are ‘bigger than me’, and like I’ll never get through the end of the semester. It’s a really shitty feeling. I feel plagued with self-doubt and I feel like I’m in this endless battle with myself to just continue applying myself as I have been doing.

My husband calls this the ‘home stretch’, and he’s saying don’t give up now, and I agree. But what’s missing is my resolve. The only thing is, which is kind of funny to me, is that it’s not being replaced with a giving up or a stopping. It’s like, I’ve already proven to myself that I can do this; I absolutely will not quit; stopping is simply not an option…. So I’m just kind of in this limbo. And this is where my understanding of back chat really clicked.

            I have understood the concept of back chat (inner voices or negative self-talk… Ive also heard it called self-defeating thoughts) for a long time, but it never really clicked where I could see it clearly in my own life. It’s partly because for me it’s not clear voices with words, it more like feelings and images, like ‘scenes’ which are accompanied by feelings and emotions. Like for the thought ‘what if I fail at school’ or ‘I fear failing at school’, I don’t get that sentence or even any words, it’s more like this picture of me in my life, and then the faces of all the people I feel I would disappoint, and then I imagine the feeling of telling them I failed.

I have been having lots of thoughts along these lines, and it has been chipping away at my resolve, so it’s time to rein them in and start deleting them.

Deleting Backchat:

Failure: (school)

I fear failing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect failure with fear, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the thought of failure with fear energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing because I think/believe/perceive I will be exposed as a fraud.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am smart/intelligent/bright, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire those around me to think/believe/perceive this of me as well.

            If I feel I need others to think/believe/perceive this about me then it means I don’t really think/believe/perceive it about myself because I require the validation of ‘others’ outside of me. So I have separated myself from being smart/intelligent/bright.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect being smart/intelligent/bright with acceptance by the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire the validation of others in order for me to feel smart/intelligent/bright.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from being smart/intelligent/bright by wanting/needing/desiring these qualities and thinking/believing/perceiving them as something to obtain outside of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to be seen as smart/intelligent/bright, thus separating myself from being smart/intelligent/bright and then creating the belief that I am not smart/intelligent/bright and thus manifesting the fear that ‘’people’ will ‘find out’ that I’m not smart/intelligent/bright.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as dumb/unintelligent/dull.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am dumb/unintelligent/dull.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being dumb/unintelligent/dull.

This is bringing up a memory, one from second grade, where I was placed into some kind of special class for ‘slow learners’. At some point all the students would leave one classroom to go to another one, and instead of going with them, I would go the other way to my special class. I remember some students looking at me and in that moment I felt singled out. In that moment I thought the other students were either wondering where I was going, or if they knew that I was in this special class, and then I reflected self-judgment off of them that I was not as smart/intelligent/bright as them.

The relevant points within this memory are:

- the fact that I felt singled out and different from the other students.

-I felt less-than (not as smart/intelligent/bright as the ‘regular’ students)

-I defined myself by this memory (as dumb/unintelligent/dull)

I hold on to this memory because

-          it was a moment in my life where I allowed myself to be diminished my thoughts, feelings and emotions instead of taking responsibility for them.

-          I let myself think these negative things about myself and then I believed them and carried them with me, and allowed them to affect me in many other situations in my life. So I used this memory to define myself.

-          I allowed myself to use this memory as an excuse in many situations where I could have faced me and pushed myself, but I instead withdrew and gave up because I believed it to be real and true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect thinking/perceiving/believing myself to be dumb/unintelligent/dull to the memory of going to my special class in second grade.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the memory of going a separate way to a special class to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the memory of who I believed I was and the experience of myself as being different, singled out and less than, within going a separate way to a special class to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a memory of myself as dumb/unintelligent/dull to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a memory of defining myself in one moment as different and less-than, and as dumb/unintelligent/dull, to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a memory of self-judgment and the fear or perception of judgment of others towards me asa being dumb/unintelligent/dull to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a memory of going a separate way to a special class, feeling less-than and fearing the judgment of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the memory of how I experienced myself as I walked away from the group and went a separate way, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that memory and feeling to be real or to be who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the memory of defining or labeling myself as different and less-than the other students from my class.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the memory of experiencing self-pity because I felt singled out and different.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect going to a special class to self-pity and feeling less-than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this memory because I could use it to sabotage myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this memory because it confirmed the backchat that I was having at the time that I was different and less than because school was hard for me and I felt all the other students were having a good time and it was easy for them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this memory because it allowed me to pity myself instead of standing up from within my own back chat.

Connection to the Thought:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the fear of failing to the feeling of being singled out and different than others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the fear of failing to the emotional experience of feeling ‘less-than’ others, and believing them to be normal or regular and myself to be different or not as good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the fear of failing to the belief that I am dumb/unintelligent/dull- as I have defined myself by memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the fear of failure to self-diminishing thoughts and the power I allow them to have within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to my thoughts by believing them to be real and to be who I am.

I realize the fear of failure is not real, and all it does is cause distress within me. This affects my work and is completely unnecessary as I take longer and am less focused when I am working within a fear of failure.

I realize I have held on to a memory that I have used to define myself as not as capable as others, and I have used this memory and definition as an excuse, justification and reason to give up and fail in my life. This just creates a vicious circle because then I juge myself and confirm the memory and self-definition I created from it.

I do not allow myself to continue to hold on the memory of an experience I had in second grade.

I do not accept or allow myself to hold on to this self-created definition of myself a dumb/unintelligent/dull.

I do not allow myself to try to be seen as smart/intelligent/bright as a reaction to my self-definition.

I do not accept or allow myself to fear failing because it is not who I am. So I do not accept or allow myself to believe that if I fail it will change or prove or confirm anything.

I understand why and how I have created this back chat, and I see how I have utilized it in my life to diminish myself, and I no longer accept or allow this self-diminishing behavior, I see it for what it is and I do not allow it.

I bring myself back Here, out of my mind and in to my living reality, and I allow myself to take my work one step at a time and to do each step the best I can.

When I feel the thoughts coming up that I am ‘less-than’ or not ‘smart enough’ to do my work cause there’s ‘something different/wrong with me’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back Here and delete these thoughts within the understanding that they are not real and they do not serve me.

Little Baby Kimberly

Points have been coming up with regards to living with my parents for the past little while. I was not expecting this, but it's a great opportunity to explore myself through the reactions I have been having.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my parents within an emotional reaction of anger, frustration and annoyance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry with my parents because  I feel they are undermine my independence by trying to ‘parent’ me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my parents in anger because when they act like ‘parents’ to me, I feel they are not seeing that I am a mature, self-responsible adult who is capable of navigating her way through this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself by looking at me and defining/judging myself as ‘a mature and self-responsible girl who is capable of navigating her way through this world.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need my parents to recognize that I am ‘mature and self-responsible’, and that they need to show me they have recognized it by treating me differently than they have been treating me for the last 30 years.

I allow myself to realize how ridiculous these reactions are, but how serious it is that I have allowed them to limit and define me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe/feel that I need my parents validation in the form of them treating me like a grown-up/adult/mature person, in order to accept myself as grown-up/adult/mature/self-responsible.

I accept and allow myself to validate my maturity, self-responsibility, adultness and grown-up-ness by actually living as these things in my daily life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility by thinking/believing/perceiving that if my parents treated me a certain way I would in fact be a different way. Only I can change me, and those around me may never treat me differently no matter how much I change, so I might as well stop waiting (I’m only ever waiting for me).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility with the excuse that I’m waiting for others to validate my change to prove to me that it’s real.

 It’s real.

I allow myself to stop waiting for others to recognize my self-change, I let go of the expectation that others should treat me differently, and I allow myself to simply change me Here, breath by breath, without the need for  any form of validation or recognition whatsoever.

I do not accept or allow myself to rely on others, specifically my parents, to tell me who or what or how I am.

I do not accept or allow myself to fall back into old patterns of the parent-child relationship I was brought up with because they are comfortable and familiar.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define taking self-responsibility as hard and falling into the role of daughter as easy.

I do not accept or allow these patterns, habits and ‘the way people treat me’ to affect who or how I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that my parents/family/environment has limited me. Only I have limited myself within the belief that I am defined by my parents/family/environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within the belief that my parents/family/environment defines me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that I need to define me in order to know who and how I am, or who and how to be. I direct me to become who I am as Life in every moment and every breath.

I allow myself to walk into the uncertainty of not defining me, and not scripting out who I am/will be within a given situation, I allow myself to walk in self-trust with the tools of self-honesty and self-forgiveness and self-direction in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anger, frustration and annoyance towards my parents/environment to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become angry/anger, frustrated/frustration, annoyed/annoyance within and because of my accepted and allowed backchat, and my reactions to it, instead of breathing Here, in awareness and self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the backchat of the mind when my parents ‘parent’ me through giving me advice, making sure I have everything I need, checking to see how I’m doing, talking to me like a child, and asking me questions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be or become frustrate by myself because I have accepted and allowed this pattern to constantly and continuously repeat within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as annoyed because of separation as blame to/towards my parents because I believe they are ‘causing me’ to react, when in fact it is me reacting to my own backchat and insecurity as I reflect my self-judgment back to myself through my parents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself through self-judgment as I look at or see myself through the eyes of my parents, instead of realizing I am only judging myself through my own eyes, and  I am projecting my own beliefs of who I think my parents want me to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project a thought/idea/belief of ‘who I think my parents want me to be’ onto my parents, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to ‘be that’ to/towards them. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel or react within and as frustration, anger or annoyance because I am not being myself, or because I, in self-judgment, think believe or perceive that I am not ‘that’ which I desire to be, because of my projected belief of what I ‘should be’ as a ‘good daughter’ according to what I think or believe my parents ‘want’ me to be, which is actually my own projection.

I allow myself to let go of these thoughts, ideas and beliefs of what I think I should be as a ‘good daughter’, and I allow myself to just be.

I allow myself to be the self-direction that I need to be in order to not continue the patterns of reactions that are enslaving me and which are abusive to myself and those around me as I react to them.

I allow myself to be the discipline I require myself to be to stop myself from participating in the mind of thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions and backchat, specifically here with regards to my parents and my interaction with them.

I allow myself to breathe though my reactions to my parents ‘parenting me’, and find the humour within and as this situation, as it is quite ‘typical,’ and any attempt for me to change it is pointless, I can only change me.

When I notice myself going into an emotional reaction of anger, frustration and/or annoyance to/towards my parents I STOP, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within and as humour/laughter, as I laugh in the face of my ego, which is apparently so fragile that my mother can topple it with a glance and my dad can crush it with his presence. I realize that the only way to transcend this point is by stopping my reaction to it, and by realizing that all the validation in the world won’t change who I am, only I can change me through self-direction and self-movement, within self-honesty, in time.

Self-judgment Creates Inner Hell

I had a really rough time this past week, physically and emotionally. Although my breathing efforts were consistent, I also participated in the mind quite a bit. I had a lot of self-judgment and fear of judgment from my partner.

My body has gone through some changes recently, and I will take the opportunity to realize how self-judgmental I am about my physical appearance/physical state.

This point has been way too important for me my whole life, and I am soooo ready to let it go, only- it’s automated within me. If anything my weight gain has shown me how extensively I am programmed to value physical appearance. How much I have separated myself from my physical body, and the lack of self-acceptance within me, and the lack of self-trust that I will properly care for my physical body.

 I also noticed how I depend on the approval of others to ‘pick me up when I’m down’, and to accept me so I don’t have to accept myself.

Recently I have gained some weight. It’s from a combination of living back with my parents while I’m studying- with three square meals as well as a sedentary student life-style. All I do is sit and study when I’m used to being outside and being active. Now my jeans don’t fit!- lol!

This past week I have spent with my partner who I haven’t seen for about a  month, and all of a sudden my self-judgment was placed right in front of me. I also had pms, as well as some kind of eczema that has been appearing and disappearing on different areas of my body.

I felt fat and disgusting.

I was visiting some family over the past week, so I was reacting to myself within that context as well.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that school and other responsibilities are overwhelming, and that I can only do so much, while I abandon everything else, such as exercise and self-enjoyment and enjoying Life. As a result, my physical body has changed, and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge the change as weight gain as disgusting, thus charging it with a negative charge and then reacting to it within fear. When I look at the fear I see fear of a lack of control over aging and over my health, wherein I am projecting into the future all my worst fears of what can happen to me physically, instead of taking it one breath at a time and remaining Here. I also see misplaced values that I have separated myself from and attached to my physical appearance, instead of valuing myself as who I am as Life.

Within this I can see a lack of balance, self-movement and self-trust that I will do what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical body, allowing for self-judgment, and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my physical body as disgusting.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body through and within my participation within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within projection, projecting my fears into an imaginary future.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live in self-created fear and fear of an imaginary future that is not even real, but which I will make real if I continue to participate within my fears, my thoughts and my projections of it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I am capable of balance, self-movement and self-trust.

I allow myself to love, respect and care for my physical body as it has supported me unconditionally my whole life.

I allow myself to take Life one breath at a time, and to remain Here with me.

I allow myself to accept and value myself as Who I Am as deserving of Life because I Am Here.

I allow myself to be balance, self-trust and self-movement, as I am pushing myself to learn how to incorporate and integrate these words into my living actions and application.

I do not allow myself to participate within my mind- projecting my worst fears into an imaginary future situation.

I do not allow myself to participate within the separation of myself wherein I misplace my self-value.

Projection and Separation:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on X’s attention/affection/devotion in order for me to experience emotional charges of importance/loved/cherished within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become dependent on feeling these emotional; charges from X, and therefore expect them, and when I don’t have them, I feel self-pity, forgotten, not important, not cherished and not loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on the acceptance of someone outside of me in order to be able to accept myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to X, thus making him responsible for creating a positive energetic experience within me when I’m around him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have come to expect the positive emotional experiences from X, and to feel disappointed/robbed/sad when I don’t get them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the emotional energetic experiences of loved/cherished/special, thus participating in polarity, thus ensuring the opposite energetic experience within and as me. So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the polarity of special/unspecial, loved/unloved and cherished/uncherished to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the experience of unspecial, unloved and un-cherished to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect X to my personal feeling experience of special, loved and cherished.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to feel special.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself, to love and cherish myself.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reflect my self-judgment off of X.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to X instead of taking responsibility for my self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as gross because I have exzema, not realizing that this physical manifestation is an opportunity to take the time to heal me and sort me out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as disgusting because I have gained weight, instead of realizing that I will make the appropriate changes to remain active and in shape because that is what I enjoy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel insecure because I have been participating in self-judgment about my exzema and weight, and because I am participating in the mind of thoughts and beliefs, thinking and believing that X is judging me too.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel insecure because I have placed my value as security in my physical appearance and sexual allure. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at myself and judge myself in this way- where I think/believe/perceive myself to have ‘no value’ unless I am perfect, thus I am perpetually judging myself as imperfect.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that such a thing as physical perfection exists, it is only pictures.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-worth in my ability to convince myself that X has a desire for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself based on how badly X desires me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire others to want/need/desire me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I require constant reassurance by X giving me attention and praise that I am wanted/valued,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame PMS as an excuse to feel self-judgmental, self-hatred, self-disgust and just foul, as self-sabotage so as not to have to face myself and remain Here, with me, in each breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame PMS for my emotional state instead of taking responsibility for myself as my mind of emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame PMS for my rage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame PMS because I always have, and it’s what I‘ve been taught to believe/taught myself to believe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame PMS for my experience of physical discomfort.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my anger towards myself instead of changing myself and the things I am angry about, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my anger towards myself instead of facing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘put up’ with myself as a mind for so long, limited and enslaved, and all the rage and anger I have felt from that- it’s suppressed within me, and now it ‘comes out’ when there is friction, irritation, resistance, etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I do not know how to deal with my emotions, this is just an excuse to not deal with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to ’feel’ stable in order to prove to myself that I am stable. I know that I cannot trust my emotions, and that my mind will fuck with me at every turn, so I know that I can’t trust my mind to tell me when I’m stable and doing well and when I’m not. The mind usually has it ass-backward anyways, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my mind of thoughts, feelings, emotions and reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on myself as a mind mind to tell me who and how I am, instead of directing myself within oneness and equality in each breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel emotionally unstable because ‘I have been working hard’, ‘I have PMS’, ‘I am visiting my in-laws’, ‘I have had a busy schedule’, “I am in exams’ and ‘I am a victim’. These are all excuses to not have to face me and I do not accept or allow myself to participate within and as them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the excuses of the mind, instead of trusting me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be the excuses that :I feel emotionally unstable because ‘I have been working hard’, ‘I have PMS’, ‘I am visiting my in-laws’, ‘I have had a busy schedule’, “I am in exams’ and ‘I am a victim’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the excuses: I feel emotionally unstable because ‘I have been working hard’, ‘I have PMS’, ‘I am visiting my in-laws’, ‘I have had a busy schedule’, “I am in exams’ and ‘I am a victim’ to exist within and as me.

Instead, I accept myself to remain Here, taking one step at a time, figuring out one step at a time.

I allow myself to realize that I love me and I accept me at all moments, within stability, one breath at a time.

I am here with me, for me. Always.

When I feel myself going into emotional instability, I stop, and I breathe. I stand up within the understanding that I trust me to direct me here, stability is not a feeling experience, and I breathe until I come back, so that I may participate in my world as who I am as stability, and not from the emotionally reactive self-interest of myself as a mind.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to X when he’s around his family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel/think/believe or perceive that I am in the way at X’s mom’s house, because I’m not getting the same kind/amount of attention I get at my house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think believe or perceive that I need a certain kind/amount of attention to be comfortable, and to feel loved and accepted within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my experience of myself with X’s family to that with my family, and then when there’s a difference, to react to it as if it were something wrong with me/them/X/the situation, not realizing that the difference is the ideas and expectations I have attached to the different locations/people/situations, and that I am, in fact, the same throughout.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to just be comfortable within myself, knowing I am Here for me always, and that self-acceptance and self-love are only a breath away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive I can’t be me/myself around X’s family because I have to be something else, something ‘more’ to impress them and to prove I am worthy to be there, to be with them and a part of their family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to be something else/something more than what I am, I know where that leads- it leads to self-judgment and insecurity, and I do not allow myself to participate within the energetic emotional reaction of inferiority around X’s family, due to the thought/belief/perception that they have the right to judge me because I am the new member of the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/belief/perceive that I need to act/behave a certain way in order to gain acceptance by X’s family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear X’s family won’t/doesn’t accept me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an inferiority polarity around X’s family, because I’m looking at myself through their eyes and judging myself as ‘a bad influence’, ‘not smart enough’, ‘not interesting enough’ or ‘annoying’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bad influence on X- he is a grown man and has a mind of his own. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that X’s family thinks I’m a bad influence on him. First of all- I have no idea what they really think so I shouldn’t worry about it. Secondly, it doesn’t matter what they think because they are only reflecting their own self-judgment, as I am doing, and it has nothing to do with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear reflecting X’s family’s self-judgment back to themselves for fear that they will react to me and blame me, as I blame others for my self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my self-judgment instead of taking responsibility for it and forgiving myself for it and not repeating the behavior (corrective application).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my thoughts/fears/beliefs/ideas of what X’s family thinks of me, instead of allowing myself to be myself, In self-confidence and self-trust.

I allow myself to love and accept myself entirely and unconditionally.

I do not accept or allow myself to become self-conscious in a group because I fear their judgment.

If Y doesn’t like me then he has that to work out for himself, on his own. I am free of that burden or weight because I choose not to participate in it- I do not accept or allow myself to try to do things to ‘win him over’ and prove to him that ‘I have good intentions’ or ‘I’m not a bad person” etc…

I do not accept or allow myself to try to be something within this group. This is not my show, it’s not ‘a’ show, but an event within which I am challenged to remain here, in breath.

When I notice myself going into a reaction around X/X’s family I stop, and I breathe. I stand up as myself, within the understanding that the only judgment is self-judgment, and I do not allow myself to participate within self-judgment or inferiority. I allow myself to remain stable, Here, because I accept and allow myself to love and accept myself unconditionally.

Family Relations

 I’ve decided to start my self-forgiveness on some feelings, thoughts and emotions that are coming up in reaction to the fact that I have a group of family members coming to town to stay with me for 5 days, simply because that is what’s going on in my life at the moment. I have no particular problem or issues with any of these individuals, in fact we all get along very well (and if I did have ‘problems’ with any individual, I would look inside myself for the cause, because that’s where it its origin is, within me, meaning, it’s MY problem and I will take responsibility for it, correct it and move on).
The reactions that are coming up are due to my own acceptances and allowances and are really only existent in my mind. I would rather have an enjoyable visit and not have to concern myself with any unnecessary discomfort, blockages or limitations, so I’m doing this before they arrive, rather than afterwards.
I’m doing this because of the reactions that are coming up, such as stress (will I have enough food/money etc...), anxieties (will they have a good time, will everyone get along?) and fears (will I become overwhelmed by so many people in my house, will everything work out?) and then many thoughts which are simply a result of past experiences.
In the past, I have had trouble expressing myself around my family. This is not due to anything they have done, nor has anything been done ‘to me’ by them to have ‘made’ me fall into these patterns. It is actually a result of me defining myself in relation to them, and now that I know how to decide for myself what I want my experience to be (which is to be capable of expressing myself as who I am around any person I come in to contact with), I will direct myself accordingly within the principle of equality and oneness.
Family relationships are complicated and complex, I think, within any family. I have been working through this for some time now, and my current reactions to this upcoming visit have provided me with the opportunity of having more points to work with.
So I’m just going to start with whatever is coming up in the moment and move on from there. Hopefully more points will come up that I hadn’t considered as I dig deeper and remove the layers which prohibit me from ‘just being myself.’

Self-Forgiveness on Family:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself around my family.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stressed around my family because I want everything to go perfectly, I want to impress them and I feel responsible for the quality of the visit.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my family visit to go ‘perfectly’, as if such a thing existed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the desire for a ‘perfect visit’ to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project in to the future and imagine all the things that could go ‘wrong’ during a family visit, such as conflict between people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because I’m not comfortable with people not acting like everything is ok, fine and perfect all the time, as I have done my whole life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act like everything is ok, fine and perfect all the time instead of expressing myself as who I am in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself by acting like everything is ok, fine and perfect all the time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the ideal of ‘everything being ok, fine and perfect all the time’ to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as ‘one who is ok, fine and perfect all the time’ instead of expressing who I really am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as ok, fine and perfect all the time instead of existing Here, within and as the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear existing Here, as the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because it’s more ‘real’ than what I’m used to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because it would reveal that everything is not fine, ok and perfect all the time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because it reveals to me that I am not fine, ok and perfect all the time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because it reveals to me the conflict within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the conflict within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid the conflict within me by pretending that I’m fine, ok and perfect all the time.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust that I can stand in the face of my inner conflict.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing conflict to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing separation within myself, which creates inner conflict, self-judgment and emotional turmoil.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself by existing within and as my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within and as the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing separation within myself by existing within and as ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within and as ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing inner conflict, self-judgment and ego to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that which is not the pre-programmed design.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have habituated myself to a ‘script’ wherein I play a role within a pre-programmed design, where everything is ok, fine and perfect all the time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate myself to a script, rather than taking responsibility for myself as life, because the script is more comfortable, and it’s what I’m used to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to choose comfort and habitual patterns over life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tempted and seduced into the pre-programmed design because it seems easier, more comfortable and safe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tempted and seduced by experiential living rather than living according to principle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define/believe/perceive living according to principle to be hard, scary and tiring.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself into comfortable habits and patterns instead of facing myself as life, Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because I can’t control it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because I feel I need to choose a side.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to chose sides rather than standing on my own two feet, alone, in oneness and equality with all that’s Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because it reminds me of past conflicts where I felt powerless and scared.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless and scared in the face of conflict.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing powerlessness and fear, within the context of conflict, to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to rely on harmony and stability outside of myself in order to experience it within.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from harmony and stability by holding on to the belief that it needs to exist within the relationships in my world in order for it to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from harmony and stability by defining harmony and stability within the relationships in my world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the topic of Desteni to be brought up by family.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face the realness of Desteni, by fearing facing it in other people.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself enough to speak about Dseteni to others with full confidence and understanding.
To be continued...