Little Baby Kimberly

Points have been coming up with regards to living with my parents for the past little while. I was not expecting this, but it's a great opportunity to explore myself through the reactions I have been having.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my parents within an emotional reaction of anger, frustration and annoyance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry with my parents because  I feel they are undermine my independence by trying to ‘parent’ me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my parents in anger because when they act like ‘parents’ to me, I feel they are not seeing that I am a mature, self-responsible adult who is capable of navigating her way through this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself by looking at me and defining/judging myself as ‘a mature and self-responsible girl who is capable of navigating her way through this world.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need my parents to recognize that I am ‘mature and self-responsible’, and that they need to show me they have recognized it by treating me differently than they have been treating me for the last 30 years.

I allow myself to realize how ridiculous these reactions are, but how serious it is that I have allowed them to limit and define me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe/feel that I need my parents validation in the form of them treating me like a grown-up/adult/mature person, in order to accept myself as grown-up/adult/mature/self-responsible.

I accept and allow myself to validate my maturity, self-responsibility, adultness and grown-up-ness by actually living as these things in my daily life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility by thinking/believing/perceiving that if my parents treated me a certain way I would in fact be a different way. Only I can change me, and those around me may never treat me differently no matter how much I change, so I might as well stop waiting (I’m only ever waiting for me).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility with the excuse that I’m waiting for others to validate my change to prove to me that it’s real.

 It’s real.

I allow myself to stop waiting for others to recognize my self-change, I let go of the expectation that others should treat me differently, and I allow myself to simply change me Here, breath by breath, without the need for  any form of validation or recognition whatsoever.

I do not accept or allow myself to rely on others, specifically my parents, to tell me who or what or how I am.

I do not accept or allow myself to fall back into old patterns of the parent-child relationship I was brought up with because they are comfortable and familiar.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define taking self-responsibility as hard and falling into the role of daughter as easy.

I do not accept or allow these patterns, habits and ‘the way people treat me’ to affect who or how I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that my parents/family/environment has limited me. Only I have limited myself within the belief that I am defined by my parents/family/environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within the belief that my parents/family/environment defines me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that I need to define me in order to know who and how I am, or who and how to be. I direct me to become who I am as Life in every moment and every breath.

I allow myself to walk into the uncertainty of not defining me, and not scripting out who I am/will be within a given situation, I allow myself to walk in self-trust with the tools of self-honesty and self-forgiveness and self-direction in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anger, frustration and annoyance towards my parents/environment to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become angry/anger, frustrated/frustration, annoyed/annoyance within and because of my accepted and allowed backchat, and my reactions to it, instead of breathing Here, in awareness and self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the backchat of the mind when my parents ‘parent’ me through giving me advice, making sure I have everything I need, checking to see how I’m doing, talking to me like a child, and asking me questions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be or become frustrate by myself because I have accepted and allowed this pattern to constantly and continuously repeat within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as annoyed because of separation as blame to/towards my parents because I believe they are ‘causing me’ to react, when in fact it is me reacting to my own backchat and insecurity as I reflect my self-judgment back to myself through my parents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself through self-judgment as I look at or see myself through the eyes of my parents, instead of realizing I am only judging myself through my own eyes, and  I am projecting my own beliefs of who I think my parents want me to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project a thought/idea/belief of ‘who I think my parents want me to be’ onto my parents, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to ‘be that’ to/towards them. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel or react within and as frustration, anger or annoyance because I am not being myself, or because I, in self-judgment, think believe or perceive that I am not ‘that’ which I desire to be, because of my projected belief of what I ‘should be’ as a ‘good daughter’ according to what I think or believe my parents ‘want’ me to be, which is actually my own projection.

I allow myself to let go of these thoughts, ideas and beliefs of what I think I should be as a ‘good daughter’, and I allow myself to just be.

I allow myself to be the self-direction that I need to be in order to not continue the patterns of reactions that are enslaving me and which are abusive to myself and those around me as I react to them.

I allow myself to be the discipline I require myself to be to stop myself from participating in the mind of thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions and backchat, specifically here with regards to my parents and my interaction with them.

I allow myself to breathe though my reactions to my parents ‘parenting me’, and find the humour within and as this situation, as it is quite ‘typical,’ and any attempt for me to change it is pointless, I can only change me.

When I notice myself going into an emotional reaction of anger, frustration and/or annoyance to/towards my parents I STOP, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within and as humour/laughter, as I laugh in the face of my ego, which is apparently so fragile that my mother can topple it with a glance and my dad can crush it with his presence. I realize that the only way to transcend this point is by stopping my reaction to it, and by realizing that all the validation in the world won’t change who I am, only I can change me through self-direction and self-movement, within self-honesty, in time.

How I Was Able To Hear the Desteni Message

                I’m actually very surprised that I was able to hear the Desteni message with such an immediate acceptance and understanding. I am surprised because before Desteni, not only did I have no beliefs in any form of religion, spirituality or supernatural phenomena, but I thought those who did were crazy. I felt most things could be pretty well explained in a reasonable and logical way, and those things that couldn’t were too few to count and were just freak occurrences or anomalies.

                But these freak occurrences and anomalies intrigued me, because if reality was the way I believed it to be- then they shouldn’t occur at all. So a part of me remained open to the possible existence of something more, and my intrigue led me to investigate the unexplainable, because it was messing with my worldview.

                I tried really hard to believe in something spiritual, something occult, or ‘something more,’ but every attempt I made just proved to me that it was all a sham. A couple experiences I can remember are playing Ouija with some friends. I just knew one of them was pushing the little thingie to spell out the name of another of mine friend whose father had just passed away. That friend was convinced that it was real and she got really scared. Another time a friend of mine convinced me to go to a psychic because he had gone and had been convinced that she was reading his present and future situation. He even told me that she said stuff about me, so I went. I didn’t tell the psychic that my friend had just gone the day before and the she had told him things about me and our future together. She read my palm and told me an entirely different story, and nothing was accurate and I left feeling mostly just ripped off. Experiences such as these showed me how easily people can develop beliefs and be misled by others, so I developed a skepticism about such things.

                In terms of religion- I went to church when I was younger, but at that age I was very shy. I was picked on at school and I had very bad experiences with teachers. I found my place with animals and in nature- things which, to me, were real and filled with what I experienced as ‘love,’ acceptance, understanding, ‘joy,’ fun, excitement- everything worth living for. I found the human world devoid of these things and actually rather hostile. I found the teachings of Jesus and god’s supposed creation in nature and the animals and not in people, but at church these things were not given any significance or any attention whatsoever. Also, religion was so boring- how could it be the explanation of existence- which is full of wonder and mystery?

                This is of course from a child’s perspective. But later on I saw movies about brutal missionaries, I learned about what the catholics did to the aboriginal people in my own country, and I learned about wars in the name of religion. To me it was just more people believing in something that’s not real, and people just being really mean and shitty towards each other, just like people were mean and shitty towards me. But I didn’t experience anger and hate towards these people like god apparently did when he would send them to hell. No one deserves that. So I just couldn’t possibly relate to any of it, and nothing made sense.

                I was never actually exposed to any spirituality. I met self-proclaimed spiritual people along the way, they always seemed happy. Too happy. My experience of the world was confusing and scary, yet they seemed to have it all figured out, and in a way that didn’t include me. They were in their own little bubbles. Again- I felt they were believing in something by choice, and not because it was real, just as I had seen good friends of mine do, such as with the Ouija board and the psychic.

                I first started noticing something was wrong when I began observing the general disregard for animals and nature. When my family got our first dog we had to choose one from the hundreds of dogs at the shelter who were crying for help. I didn’t understand how or why people allowed this to be this way. I was just a child, and I thought ‘grown ups’ were supposed to know how to fix problems, and here was a huge and horrible problem, but everybody acted like it was normal.

                With regards to nature- I lived in a city, but my dad had built a cottage on a lake. It was like a dream come true for me to go there and spend time in the woods- mostly alone, but also with friends and family. I just loved exploring and discovering new animals like frogs and salamanders, and sometimes there would be animal tracks or carcasses and I could get a close up look at them. I couldn’t understand how any person would design a city such as the one I lived in, without leaving any room for nature. And why people would spend all day in these big boring buildings with nothing to explore or discover. There were hardly any animals, and the ones that were around were hungry and scared. I’d see them dead on the side of the road along with the garbage; I’d see animals with mange, and no one to help them. At a young age I had travelled to Cuba and Belize with my family. I saw kids younger than me begging in the streets, and homeless starving dogs everywhere. When I got home I saw that the community I lived in was nice, but what about everything else I had become aware of? Where was god? Where was purpose?

                This was all before I became old enough to begin to see that I was actually living in the most privileged part of the world, and I began learning about poverty, factory farms, the leather industry, deforestation, water pollution, drag-net fishing- all of it just the tip of this never ending iceberg of horror. So this feeling of ‘what the fuck is going on here’ just amplified. But I grew older and started becoming distracted by a social life and boys and I began drinking and experimenting with drugs. I started changing who I was so that I would be accepted into social groups and I started trying to forget about the bad stuff in the world. But within this I became very unhappy and full of stress and anxiety.

 I got married and moved from Canada to Vermont in the U.S. My husband and I lived in a poor area where people were on welfare. I had come from a middle class family and now I lived next to poverty and I began to see how close it was to home. My husband worked in government housing and he would tell me about the corruption he saw within the system. We were really broke during my process of immigration and I felt very disempowered and loaded with money stresses. That’s when I began to look for an answer. I decided “this is it: I am open to anything. I am young, able-bodied, and ready to do something.”

I enrolled in the local community college and started taking classes in all subjects I thought could provide a solution. But everywhere I turned all I found was dysfunction. In environmental science I saw only partial solutions, leaving out huge problems. I saw green-solutions that were plagued with pathologies: ‘green’ companies unable to compete with polluting and destructive corporations, local farming and farmers markets selling good healthy organic food that neither I nor any of my neighbors could afford, and an alternative energy sector that was a patchwork of under-funding and unaffordable technology.

 In psychology I found no cures, pharmaceutical companies on a rampage, and no jobs for a girl like me who could only afford a BA at a community college. I saw kids from rich families going to the big universities in my neighborhood- $40 000 a year for the program I would have chosen to attend at the University of Vermont. How could I expect to compete with that? On top of that, I found dysfunction within myself as well. As I tried to develop a social life I realized that I was unable to relate to those around me, and I was also uncomfortable with who I had become as a personality and I had social anxiety.

                When I got my green card I gave up on school and began to look for a solution in my working life. I worked at a ‘green’ restaurant and at a senior’s residence with the idea that I could become a nurse and at least help some people- maybe get some skills that would further me somehow. But all I got was minimum wage, and my husband and I worked full-time just to keep our heads above water. Rent was expensive, we had some debt, our car was breaking down, bills kept getting higher but our pay stayed the same. We were slaves to the system.

                Our big break came when Toyota had a recall on the Tacoma model truck, which we owned- they had faulty frames that collected salt from the roads which would rust them right through. Trucks began snapping in half mid-drive, sometimes cutting the break lines. We got 150% of the Kelly Blue Book value for our truck that was barely running. We would have had to pay someone to take it off our hands, but instead we got 9000$ for it. We got a new car and we got the hell out of Vermont. We moved to Maine and that’s where I discovered Desteni three years ago.

                I can’t remember the first video I saw, but I remember it spoke to the fact that I, as an individual, had the power to change, not only myself- but the world. I learned that I would have to work within a group and deal with my own dysfunction  to do so. I watched videos and I read the writings of people who were applying self-forgiveness. They were using this tool along with some others to change themselves and overcome things like social anxiety and depression. When I read their writing it was like I had written it myself, their problems and issues were just like mine, but they were overcoming them! They weren’t asking me for money, and they weren’t asking me to believe in something religious or spiritual, they weren’t asking me to believe anything. They were presenting me with a way to empower myself and actually stand up and voice myself, and to speak about the problems I had been observing my whole life.

                Desteni explained everything: about how greed and self-interest cause the problems we see today, about how money controls everything, about how humans distract themselves with religion, spirituality and other beliefs so as not to have to face themselves and the world. How the mind creates habits and patterns that trap us and bring us down to that point of giving up. How Life is actually Here with us, but we are too busy in our minds to see it or even realize it within ourselves. But Desteni didn’t only point out the problems- the problems are blatantly obvious once you just open your eyes. What is different about Desteni is that it offers tools anyone can use to take back control of our lives, to take the wheel and direct our world to where we want it to be. So that’s what I did.

                I began writing self-forgiveness, investigating the material like crazy, and after a year I finally built up the courage to participate on the forums. I got support there from those who had been applying the tools already. I received support that I could actually apply in my Life. I did the work, I created space within me, I got better at moving myself instead of losing myself in my mind of anxiety, fear, stress and insecurity, and I got real. I got my driver’s license which gave me more independence, I began taking responsibility for myself within my relationships. I shaved my head, I started making some videos and writing and becoming ‘visible’ and public with my process and I am still working at that.

                The biggest challenged I faced has been going back to school. Desteni taught me to fearlessly utilize whatever resources I had available to further myself and become more stable and effective within the system instead of just being a slave. So I applied for a university back in my home town where the school is cheaper but has a better reputation. It’s cheaper because it’s back in Canada, so I moved back. Now my husband and I live far apart while I get my degree in politics. I’m doing very well at school and I’m working my ass off for it. I’m still very new in my process and I’m pushing myself more than I ever thought possible. I’ve become so comfortable speaking up that I have to now keep my mouth shut in class sometimes because I talk too much! I am at complete ease in social situations and I actually look forward to seeing old friends, hanging out with my husband’s friends and meeting new people. I stopped drinking and smoking pot about a year ago, and I’m much better at staying on top of keeping my shit together so to speak- in terms of money, responsibilities and just staying calm about everything and directing myself instead of reacting to things.

                I’ve definitely got a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG way to go, I have a LOT of things on my list to change about myself: I still have anxiety and stress, it just doesn’t stop me anymore. I’m working on that stuff still, and there’s room for improvement, in fact, ‘that’s the biggest room there is’. But I no more feel as if the world is just a confusing mess with no solution. I have been spending my whole Life trying to work towards a solution and an understanding and only ever hitting dead ends. Desteni has taught me that walls are made to walk through, so that’s what I’m going to do while I continue to work towards a solution: the Equal Money System. Only the path towards this solution is one of self-realization, self-expansion and self-empowerment, so I’m actually getting back so much more than I am giving to help realize this new economic system. I’d like to change that to an equation of equality, by further empowering myself to be able to do more for the Equal Money Solution, because why would I do anything else?

Releasing My Self-Definitions: "young"

One of the things I've found I define myself as is 'young'. I've been the baby of the family, and then later when I started working I happened to be the youngest one there. In time I realized the 'value' of youth, and as my coworkers were aging around me I started valuing my youth more like a possession, and over time it became a part of my self-definition.

Now I am 30, and as youth fades and I start to see the physical changes my ego goes into an internal panic for fear of losing that which I have defined myself as. The panic is supressed within me because I understand it is irrational- this is Life- people age, I am no different. But the 'panic' which involves fear and a sort of 'helplessness' is left there to just kind of fester within. So, through self-forgiveness I can remove my connections to the value I have placed within 'youth'- the word itself and the ideas, perceptions, definitions and beliefs I have attached to it, and instead value myself as who I am as Life, as character, as determination, as self-acceptance and as will.


Young:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word young to smooth skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word young within smooth skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word young and from the smooth beautiful skin by defining the word young with in beautiful skin in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word young with the word fresh.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word young within the word fresh.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word young and from the word fresh by defining the word young within the word fresh in separation of myself,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word young with the word innocent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word young within the word innocent .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word young and from the word innocent by defining the word young within the word innocent in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word young with the word jealousy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word young within the word jealousy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word young and from the word jealousy by defining the word young within the word jealousy in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word young with the word power.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word young within the word power.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word young and from the word power by defining the word young within the word power in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word young with the word naive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word young within the word naive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word young and from the word naive by defining the word young within the word naive in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word naive with the word envy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word young within the word naive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word young and from the word naive by defining the word young within the word naive in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word young to the word pure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word young within the word pure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word young and from the word pure by defining the word young within the word pure in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word young with the word lost.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word young within the word lost.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word young and from the word lost by defining the word young within the word lost in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word young to the word lucky.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word young within the word lucky.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word young, and from the word lucky, by defining the word young within the word lucky in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word young with the words school girl.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word young within the word schoolgirl.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word young and from the word schoolgirl by defining the word young within the word schoolgirl in separation of myself.

Dictionary Definition:

Being in an early period of life, development, or growth.
Newly begun or formed; not advanced: The evening is still young.
Of, belonging to, or suggestive of youth or early life: He is young for his age.
Vigorous or fresh; youthful.

Lacking experience; immature: a young hand at plowing.
Being the junior of two people having the same name.
Geology. Being of an early stage in a geologic cycle. Used of bodies of water and land formations.

Sounds Like:

YOU’ll Never Grow

Remaining young is to be without personal growth or expansion. To enjoy youth to its utmost while at the same time growing, expanding and maturing as Who One Is as Life. To not remain in the naiveté and ignorance of youth, but to face the world as Who One Is in complete awareness of why one is. To enjoy youth, but to still remain on track within self-direction and self-responsibility within and as the untangling the mind that one began to tangle in youth.

SF On Young:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as young.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge being young as the best and being old as the worst.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that those who are young are better than those who are old.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself within judgment, as better than those who are older than me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am luckier than those who are older than me, and then to participate within and energetic charge of positive feeling energy
because of feeling ‘luckier’ and ‘better than’ those who are older than me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want need and desire to use my youth to seduce older men.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire to manipulate and abuse myself and older men by playing on systems which exist by attempting to seduce, manipulate and abuse older men, and in turn seducing, abusing and manipulating myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seduce, abuse and manipulate myself and older men through my beliefs and back-chat play-outs in physical reality.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself within the belief that I only have power if I can seduce men, particularly older and men who I define as more powerful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to seduce older men in order to survive in the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to manipulate others, particularly older men, in order to survive in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get high off of having the ability to
manipulate older men to want and desire me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel worthless and old if I can’t manipulate men.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear men seeing me as old and worthless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear older men seeing me as old and instead desiring younger women than myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe when I grow old I will lose my power.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe power lies in my ability to seduce.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ‘good’ about myself within polarity instead of simply being myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the polarities of youth/age, worth/worthlessness, beauty/ugly, power/powerless, good/bad, desirable/undesirable, and desired/undesired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself within trying to feel a certain way about me and who I am, that ‘way’ being powerful, superior and dominant manipulator, which is not what’s best for all in any way, it is only what I perceive as best for me, but it’s not even best for me, it is best for the mind as absolute enslavement and separation of self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave and separate myself as the mind within the idea of youth and superiority instead of realizing and doing what’s best for all, which is, at the moment, realizing oneness and equality within and without.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that men should be like putty in my hands.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire to be able to manipulate another human being instead of wanting, needing and desiring them to realize themselves as Life, equal and one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need or desire to be a vixen and a muse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the idea of a vixen or a muse to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that a vixen or a muse is complete enslavement and is totally fucked up, it is not life and not who or what anybody should be or want to be as a powerless slave.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire to be a vixen and a muse because I have not realized my self-importance and self-worth, and instead I seek it from others.

I allow myself to realize my self-importance and self-worth, and to realize that I am the most important instrument that I have the power to move, and the most worth that I can imagine, as does everybody else.

I allow myself to assist and support others unconditionally as life, to, without fear, assist and support them to realize who they are as life as I assist and support myself to , without fear, do the same.

I allow myself to realize, and to do, what’s best for all, which is, at the moment, to realize my equality and oneness within and without.

I allow myself to fearlessly realize my equality and oneness and to live it into my actions, words thoughts.

I do not allow participation in the mind as the pursuit of positive energetic charges of feeling powerful, dominant, superior and in control as enslavement, and I instead allow myself to exist within understanding and self-direction as life.

I do not accept or allow myself to participate in the sex game as it diminishes me as who I am, and I do not allow diminishing behaviours within me as Who I Am.