Facing Resistances Within Self-Movement

Jan 18^th 2012

Today I felt very frustrated in the morning. The thoughts that were coming up connected to the frustration were that

1)      I never have enough time to do anything

2)      I’m always in a rush

3)      I’m so busy I wish I could just have a break and relax

4)      It’s just too much, I just can’t handle it.

The first two thoughts definitely go together, and are a result of the fact that I’m still working on self-movement. I have extreme physical reactions to moving myself, it’s like, these great resistances and there’s anxiety in there because I become overwhelmed, I have been getting overwhelmed more easily recently and as I write this the thought came up that last semester ‘did me in’, and ‘I never really got a break’, it’s just been go go go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I never have time to do anything, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I’m always in a rush.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought I never have time to do anything to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought that I’m always in a rush to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional energetic charge of ‘hurried’ stress and anxiety to the thoughts that I never have enough time to do anything and I’m always in a rush, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become influenced by the ‘hurried’ stress and anxiety energy by participating within and as it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the mind by reacting within emotional energetic experiences to thoughts, thus allowing the thoughts to influence and have control over me instead of me directing myself Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in my thoughts instead of remaining present and aware, in breathe, wherein I realize that I am the directive principle and  will push me to move myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust me, that I will move me. I will move me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the resistances I feel when I move me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe those resistances are ‘real’, or that they are indicating that something is ‘wrong’ and I shouldn’t be doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that something, such as self-movement, ‘should’ feel ‘good’ or ‘right’, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I need pleasant emotional experiences to be able to move myself.

I see/realize/understand that self-movement is not moving me with energy, which is what I’m used to. There is no force or motivation other than me and sheer will. I understand I have become addicted to and dependant on energy to move me throughout my day, and as I move myself instead as the directive principle of me it will be different.

I do not accept or allow myself to be addicted to or dependant on energy to move me through my day.

I do not accept or allow myself to become discouraged because I have defined self-movement as ‘hard,’ ‘tough’ or ‘difficult’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define self-movement as ‘hard’, ‘tough,’ and ‘difficult’ because it is new to me and I am not used to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy, and to believe laziness is ‘nice’ ‘comfortable’ and ‘easy’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing myself by being lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-responsibility to laziness, by being lazy and stubborn and unwilling to budge from comfortable habits.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that comfort is ‘good’ and should be sought out, at least not this kind of comfort- which is the stagnant kind that I use to not face me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use comfort to avoid facing me.

I allow myself to face myself within facing these resistances I’m having towards self-movement.

I allow myself to become one with these resistances so that I can change myself as them.

I allow myself to be the strength, determination, commitment, assertiveness, patience and will to walk through these resistances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive these resistances are bigger than me.

I see/realize and understand that I created these resistances and I am completely capable, able and willing to take responsibility for them, and walk them until I am changed as them, until I move me here while nothing moves inside me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the energetic experience of frustrated instead of breathing Here.

I realize that when I am present I get more done effectively and when I am frustrated I make more mistakes and do things improperly or forget details, which just adds to/feeds the feeling of frustration wherein it’s almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the energetic experience of ‘frustration’ to the thought ‘I never have enough time to do anything’ and ‘I am always rushed.’

I allow myself to be and become ‘enough time;’ by being Here, in the moment, and I allow myself be presence and awareness of breath as I walk through the resistances I face as I face me and the totality of what I have created through my acceptances and allowances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the energetic experience of frustration and then look for ways to feed it, small things that I can manipulate into ‘frustrating’ which normally would not be so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself by turning small things into ‘frustration; in order to feed and confirm my energetic experience, thus confirming to me as my mind that these experiences are real, or that they are valid, when in fact they are merely taking me away from now operating wholly.]

I do not allow myself to be fooled by the mind and by the self-manipulation techniques I use to feed my energetic experiences of myself.

I do not allow myself to manipulate me.

I allow myself the strength, self-will and self-determination as well as patience and commitment to ‘call myself out’, breathe, and bring myself back here when I feel/realize that I ‘m participating within an energetic experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I need a break to relax instead of realizing that this type of ‘break’ is a backdoor to cave in to resistances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed backdoors to continue to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the mind-polarity of work/break, I am fully aware of when I am using a break as an escape, a chance to be lazy instead of facing myself.

I realize that taking a break after I have worked hard and ‘given it my all’ is understandable, and it is a time that I can rest with the physical, but otherwise I am using it as an excuse to avoid walking my resistances.

I allow myself to be the strength, discipline and self-will required to stop myself when I believe I need a break, to breathe and to push myself through, so that I can see what will happen as I move me.

Facing Life

Today I did not set an alarm to wake up because I am still feeling sick from my cold. When I got up I noticed the experience of too-much-ness which I have been experiencing over the past few months as overwhelmingness. During the summer I had been brought to tears from it several times, but now that I’ve listened to Bernard’s interview about this specific experience I understand it is the accumulation of attention towards a particular point. In my case I know that the points I had been working on were focus, self-discipline, time-management and of course, self-directive. These points have been extreme problems in my life in the form of avoiding them, evading them, so it’s a big shift for me to start incorporating them into my living application. I have had much resistance and physical discomfort as I have been working on these points, as well as emotional discomfort in the form of this overwhelming sensation wherein ‘it’s just all too much’. But I’ve gotten through that now and I am coming out on the other side of it with more determination and, as Bernard mentioned, a new perspective or point of view on this experience, and on what leads up to it and how it plays out for me.

My new perspective on this is that I now look at life, or my current experience in terms of the bigger picture. I noticed throughout this that I would normally tend to focus on all the tiny details and obsess over them and I tend to miss the bigger pattern or the bigger goal of what it is that I’m doing.

Within this, when I feel myself being pulled into the experience of being overwhelmed I stop myself immediately by concentrating on my breath and becoming aware of my physical body until my heart starts beating normally. This calms me down, whereas before I would, in a way ‘go with it’ and everything would seem to be happening very fast and I would feel that I couldn’t keep up. I would try to do everything right away and would always end up at the same spot: exhausted, usually sick, tired and feeling like I can’t do it. Feeling like I can’t keep up and I want to give up and I start letting things go and start falling behind etc... This pattern explains the tendency to start projects really strongly and then fizzle out toward the end, and then go into some sort of death throws just to survive and complete the task- whether it be school or a job or whatever. It’s really a very unpleasant experience and therefore I’m determined to correct it so I can stop beating myself up and no longer abuse myself in this way anymore.

Also within all this is the realization that I can only effectively accumulate myself, my self-will, self-discipline, self-directive principle (which will lead to better focus, better time management, and better self-movement) slowly over time. I can’t exert all my energy and completely wipe myself out and expect myself to gain any kind of effective self-support and self-trust this way. It’s more like self-sabotage.so I realize that to take it easy on myself is not to be lazy, but to first of all not let myself go into an experience of anxiety, stress and overwhelmingness, but to instead ‘check myself’ in breath. When I do this I calm down to a point of clarity wherein I can ask myself ‘what do I really need to do right now’ and then ‘am I capable of doing this effectively’ meaning, doing it with my all, complete focus and stability. If not, then I need to take care of myself like sit down and breathe or eat or drink something or simply stop and change environments and do something else.

Secondly, when I do decide within calmness and clarity, to do something, I commit to doing it fully. Today I experienced resistance to this type of situation in class. I have decided to take fewer longer classes instead of many short classes. This means paying attention and keeping my focus for 2 and a half hours at a time. This is very difficult for me and I experience the physical resistance to it as physical discomfort and I also become easily distracted.

The pattern I’m breaking here is the desire to get lost in my own ‘little world’ in my head, which I used to do every day in class since I was very young. I would draw or play in my desk. Now I listen, try to understand and try to take good notes. But it’s still hard at the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel seduced by the desire to escape into my mind in class when I need to instead focus and remain present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become easily distracted instead of remaining present and aware for the complete duration of the class, so that I can understand the material, do well, and be effective in the system.

 I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to exercise the will power and self-discipline to keep myself ‘in line’ while I’m in class, and instead waste my time by doodling and fantasizing about things that I don’t even remember.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be seduced by my fantasies because they seem so interesting and so much more interesting than the lecture when in fact they are not that interesting but rather variations of the same old fantasies I’ve been having for years. They go nowhere, they’re good for nothing and they’re a waste of my time when I should be learning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the classroom experience as boring and unbearable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the classroom experience as boring and unbearable because I’m trying to escape taking responsibility for my own learning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the classroom experience as boring and unbearable because it hard. It’s hard to learn new things and it;s hard to discipline myself and stay focused and integrate new information into my understanding of myself and my world, and thus far I have been lazy, which is what has made it all ‘hard’.

In reality it’s not hard, it just is. There is no value judgment for me to place on my daily experience, only whether I am applying myself fully-or not. When I am applying myself I face resistances, which make the experience seem ‘hard’ simply because it’s not easy and comfortable to change oneself and one’s patterns, habits, addictions, beliefs and definition.

 So it’s not that any of this is hard, it’s just that it’s uncomfortable and new. And what I’ve learned thus far in my process is that I can just focus on my breath during and throughout that discomfort and it will fade. The energy will eventually run out and I will remain, I will return to stability in the end, and with my focus and determination and my application of breath, I can remain stable throughout the experience as well.

So I allow myself to remain dedicated to my process and myself by remaining focused and fully present throughout the duration of my classes.

I do not accept or allow myself to be seduced by my thoughts and fantasies and desire to doodle and escape pushing myself through willing myself to focus and remain present throughout my classes’ duration.

Also, a few pointers to myself on a side note-

I noticed that I become distracted and brought into an energetic experience of self judgement when I look at all the students and pedestrians in and around school, on public transportation and on the shuttle bus etc...

-          In this respect I will work on not reacting to all the many people around me and rather focus on the bigger picture: why am I here, what am I doing right now to achieve that goal? Am I being the most effective I can be while taking it easy on myself? Am I being self honest? What am I standing as as an example right now in this moment? And Am I present?

-         

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at other students and people and judge what they are wearing and compare myself to them in self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other people based on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as others based on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by placing value on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself in my mind of judgment when I look at people around me instead of remaining present as breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape facing myself as who I am as life by going into my mind by placing importance on the physical appearance of things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people’s motivations for what they choose to wear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my motivations for what I choose to wear to come from a starting point of fear of judgment or of self-interest instead of just dressing practically and comfortably.

I do not accept or allow myself to judge others based on what they are wearing.

I do not accept or allow myself to judge other based on my projected ideas of their motivations behind how they dress.

I do not accept and allow myself to dress myself in order to impress anybody or with the belief that I will be judged. The only judgment is self-judgment.

I accept and allow myself to move through the day without reacting in judgment to the people around me.

I accept and allow myself to experience myself within crowds without being influenced or moved by their presence.

I accept myself unconditionally within big groups, and I move myself according to what’s best for all, and not what’s best for me.

I accept and allow myself to remain present within the crowds of downtown, within awareness as breath, without reaction, just silence within as stillness as stability as life.

_________________________

Terminology

     In school, each new class begins with defining the terms we will be using throughout the semester. This is a necessary task as it ensures that we are all on the same page, that the material is clear and that there is no room for misconceptions/miscommunication. I will apply the same logic to my blog.
     Below are the definitions of terms I will be using, they are based on my own understanding and living of them.  (This is where I first learned most of them before I began applying them for myself: http://desteni.co.za/faq).

Self-honesty: the understanding and realization that the root of most human behaviour is based in some way in self-interest (survival, fear of death, ego, patterned behaviour, addictions, escapes, fear, emotions, reactions, thoughts, feelings, justifications, power, desire and greed, among others).
-To look through one's actions and see the true starting point.
-Using the principle of 'what is best for all' and  using common sense.
-Realizing that we have abdicated our responsibility to life and existence, and that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become like programmed robots who survive in this world without taking in to considerations those who have no voice, or the suffering, abuse and starvation that goes on in our name and in the name of profit. Realizing that we are all equally responsible for this state of reality, and that we accept it and allow it everyday.
-To admit to oneself when one is placing him or herself above the group called life, and realizing that we are equal to everything in existence.
-To become aware of the mind.

Self-forgiveness: a statement specifically including the words "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to..."
-This use of words releases one of accepted and allowed behaviour, but can not do so on its own, it must be accompanied by self-honesty and self-corrective action.
-A tool used in conjunction with self-honesty and self-corrective application for deprogramming the mind of thought patterns, reactions, emotions and feelings and replacing them with self-movement, principled living, and discovering who one is as life.
-A taking/gifting back of self.

Self-corrective statement: stating a required change in behaviour from a starting point of self-interest to one that is best for all.

Self-corrective application: an actual living of the aforementioned principles of equality and oneness.
- Actually apllying what is learned about self through self-honesty and self-forgiveness, meaning a practical application of principled living in daily life, by determining the ways in which we must change, and then changing.
-Living the words we speak, so that what goes on in our mind is the same as what goes on in our reality. "As above, so below."
-Correcting one's behaviour through self-honesty and self-forgiveness, insodoing living self-responsibly from that point on.

Self-responsibility: stopping oneself from living in the secret world of the mind, i.e.: stopping all thoughts, feeling, emotions, reactions and judgments, and acting in a way that is best for all.
-Taking responsibility for our actions one step at a time, one breath at a time (for me this means to take back control of myself, through breath, starting with the ocd), because until we have ourselves (self first), we have nothing, we are dis-empowered. The point of self-responsibility is to empower oneself in order to become able to affect change in this world, instead of continuing on playing the game.
-Placing oneself in a position of stability (In the physical: get a job, get an education, get a stable income, stop using drugs, alchohol etc... In the mind: stop bouncing around from one emotional extreme to another, stop participating in thoughts etc...). Utilizing available resources to gain stability in the world, and doing so honestly. Using the process of self-forgiveness to release self and stop the mind.
-Not taking part in the continuance of the co-creation of our current reality by not taking part in the mind.

A 'Point': a point is something we face in reality, the point of being yourself around friends, the point of ocd (most points are composed of many other points). The fear of confronting someone, the desire to have something, the point of judging others...
-Taking apart a 'point' is for example, realizing you're judging something and then investigating why you reacted that way (self-honesty), forgiving yourself for doing so (self-forgiveness), and correcting the behaviour (corrective application). This whole equation = self-responsibility.

Energetic reaction: any reaction that is charged with either positive, negative or neutral energy. This energy can be released through taking apart points and doing self-forgiveness, and the build up of energy can be avoided though self-corrective action.
-We do not require energy to move ourselves through reality; we don't need to depend on motivation to get off our asses. I think of all the things I have done in order to achieve a 'good' feeling or avoid a 'bad' feeling instead of doing things out of principle. Behaving in ways to get an energetic feeling 'reward' or avoid 'punishment' is acting based on self-interest instead of stepping back and looking at the action and determining whether or not it's really a self-honest act. If we act in self-honesty we act in our own best interest, as well as in the best interest of all.

Polarity: If we experience one end of the spectrum, we're bound to experience the other.
-If you're feeling really high one day: 'happy' and motivated, and you feed in to that and try to keep it up, you're bound to fall. We will always experience the polar opposite of the energetic reaction we allow within ourselves.
-The world works in polarity (rich/poor, obese/emaciated, beautiful/ugly, things in which you can't have one without the other).

Time Loop: All points we have allowed in our lives are points we must face in self-honesty and correct. In time, these points come up and we have the opportunity to deal with them, but if we miss that opportunity we will time loop, that is, run in to some turmoil wherein progress is very difficult, until that point reemerges again for us to deal with.

The Physical: The three dimensional reality we live in.

Breath: the act of breathing, specifically 4-count breathing where one breathe in for 4 seconds, hold it for four seconds, exhale for 4 seconds and pause again for 4 seconds.
-This 4-count breath can be used as the most amazing tool because in those pauses between the in-breath and the out-breath you can, what I call, "check yourself" (as in check yourself before you wreck yourself!). In that pause or that space, you can tell if something is up, if something is wrong, if you're stressed or if there's a little thing nagging at you (if you've acted dishonestly, if you're emotionally charged, if your lost in thought and not here as presence, these things will be revealed if you just give youself a moment to look for them). These things are easily ignored and can compound, but if we 'check ourselves' in every breath we can remain clear. That pause is like a snapshot of who we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become, and where we are in relation to ourselves.
-It's the place I use to check my self-forgiveness, to see if I've cleared a point.
-That is why it is through breath that we can live self-honestly, self-responsibly, and actually change ourselves through stopping the thoughts, feelings and emotions and stopping the mind. It is through breath that I intend to dismantle, disperse and release my obsessive compulsive behaviour.

Here: not in the mind, but 'here' present as presence, as awareness.
-Being aware of the physical, being present in the moment, aware of your body...
-Being the directive principle of yourself. Living in the moment in breath.
-Not participatin in distractions, not escaping in entertainment (escaping in ocd), thoughts or feelings.
-Being aware of yourself in the context of the whole.

 Those are the main terms that I have used up to this point.