I’ve decided to start my self-forgiveness on some feelings, thoughts and emotions that are coming up in reaction to the fact that I have a group of family members coming to town to stay with me for 5 days, simply because that is what’s going on in my life at the moment. I have no particular problem or issues with any of these individuals, in fact we all get along very well (and if I did have ‘problems’ with any individual, I would look inside myself for the cause, because that’s where it its origin is, within me, meaning, it’s MY problem and I will take responsibility for it, correct it and move on).
The reactions that are coming up are due to my own acceptances and allowances and are really only existent in my mind. I would rather have an enjoyable visit and not have to concern myself with any unnecessary discomfort, blockages or limitations, so I’m doing this before they arrive, rather than afterwards.
I’m doing this because of the reactions that are coming up, such as stress (will I have enough food/money etc...), anxieties (will they have a good time, will everyone get along?) and fears (will I become overwhelmed by so many people in my house, will everything work out?) and then many thoughts which are simply a result of past experiences.
In the past, I have had trouble expressing myself around my family. This is not due to anything they have done, nor has anything been done ‘to me’ by them to have ‘made’ me fall into these patterns. It is actually a result of me defining myself in relation to them, and now that I know how to decide for myself what I want my experience to be (which is to be capable of expressing myself as who I am around any person I come in to contact with), I will direct myself accordingly within the principle of equality and oneness.
Family relationships are complicated and complex, I think, within any family. I have been working through this for some time now, and my current reactions to this upcoming visit have provided me with the opportunity of having more points to work with.
So I’m just going to start with whatever is coming up in the moment and move on from there. Hopefully more points will come up that I hadn’t considered as I dig deeper and remove the layers which prohibit me from ‘just being myself.’
Self-Forgiveness on Family:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself around my family.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stressed around my family because I want everything to go perfectly, I want to impress them and I feel responsible for the quality of the visit.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my family visit to go ‘perfectly’, as if such a thing existed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the desire for a ‘perfect visit’ to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project in to the future and imagine all the things that could go ‘wrong’ during a family visit, such as conflict between people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because I’m not comfortable with people not acting like everything is ok, fine and perfect all the time, as I have done my whole life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act like everything is ok, fine and perfect all the time instead of expressing myself as who I am in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself by acting like everything is ok, fine and perfect all the time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the ideal of ‘everything being ok, fine and perfect all the time’ to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as ‘one who is ok, fine and perfect all the time’ instead of expressing who I really am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as ok, fine and perfect all the time instead of existing Here, within and as the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear existing Here, as the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because it’s more ‘real’ than what I’m used to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because it would reveal that everything is not fine, ok and perfect all the time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because it reveals to me that I am not fine, ok and perfect all the time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because it reveals to me the conflict within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the conflict within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid the conflict within me by pretending that I’m fine, ok and perfect all the time.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust that I can stand in the face of my inner conflict.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing conflict to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing separation within myself, which creates inner conflict, self-judgment and emotional turmoil.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself by existing within and as my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within and as the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing separation within myself by existing within and as ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within and as ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing inner conflict, self-judgment and ego to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that which is not the pre-programmed design.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have habituated myself to a ‘script’ wherein I play a role within a pre-programmed design, where everything is ok, fine and perfect all the time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate myself to a script, rather than taking responsibility for myself as life, because the script is more comfortable, and it’s what I’m used to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to choose comfort and habitual patterns over life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tempted and seduced into the pre-programmed design because it seems easier, more comfortable and safe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tempted and seduced by experiential living rather than living according to principle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define/believe/perceive living according to principle to be hard, scary and tiring.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself into comfortable habits and patterns instead of facing myself as life, Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because I can’t control it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because I feel I need to choose a side.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to chose sides rather than standing on my own two feet, alone, in oneness and equality with all that’s Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because it reminds me of past conflicts where I felt powerless and scared.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless and scared in the face of conflict.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing powerlessness and fear, within the context of conflict, to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to rely on harmony and stability outside of myself in order to experience it within.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from harmony and stability by holding on to the belief that it needs to exist within the relationships in my world in order for it to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from harmony and stability by defining harmony and stability within the relationships in my world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the topic of Desteni to be brought up by family.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face the realness of Desteni, by fearing facing it in other people.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself enough to speak about Dseteni to others with full confidence and understanding.
To be continued...
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