Anger in Focus

My experience with school throughout my life has not been an easy one for me. I was placed in special classes for slow learners at a young age and since then I have not really applied myself. I have always struggled in school and have had much difficulty with focus and my attention span. I have never been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD, but I have also never been tested. I found I was able to slip through the cracks in highschool and get by, passing all my classes. In college however, it was a different story, and I flunked out after my first year.

I have been appliying the Desteni tools for about 2 years. I started off slow and was impatient and overwhelmed by it at first, however, as I kept applying them I have been able to slow myself down and sort myself out. Within the Desteni proess I have pushed myself to go back to school- something I always wanted to do but was too scared to take the leap. Going back to school has involved me moving far away from my husband and the life we were creating together. It required me to humbly ask him to put our life on 'pause' for 2 years while I get my university degree. It also involved financial circumstances that would have otherwise freaked me out, but we have found ways to make it work by using the resources available to us. Needless to say, it has not been as simple as just signing up for some classes. I have had to reorganize my entire life to make this work, I utilized the Desteni tools to keep myself grounded throughout, and I am slowly walking this process now fully committed. The proof has been 'in the pudding' as they say. So within this blog I am tackling ADD-like tendencies that have caused me a lot of problems throughout my academic career, and in truth, I'm sick of it. I am fed up and I am ready to take the bull by the horns. Here I am writing out this point of anger and frustration within focusing myself on reading:

Yesterday I pushed myself through a possession while I was reading. I managed to do this for about 20 minutes. What came up was anger and discomfort within me wherein I become all fidgety and uncomfortable within myself as I pushed myself to focus on the text. I realized that this is not the case for every text, it only occurs when the text is more difficult, or when I am under the impression that I ‘have to’ read it by the demand of some authority. I have realized within my writing that I experience conflict within myself in terms of authority. It was not immediately obvious to me because I have not consistently ‘fought’ authority outright, only on a few rare occasions. On those occasions it was like an explosions of built up anger and resentment for ‘being told what to do’, or doing things I did not like doing and participating in backchat that the authority was not ‘just’, and then feeling angry at myself for fearing that authority, and complying out of fear.

                Within the point about the text being difficult, I realized that I was angry at the author for not explaining concepts simply. I felt judgmental towards the author because I felt his text was self-masturbation, I felt the examples were irrelevant to the real world, I felt I had better arguments than him and reading his text was a waste of my time. Within this I see ego revealing itself and upon this realization I feel embarrassed like I have been ‘called out’. I have been called out because I am calling myself out: I do not accept or allow myself to participate in ego because it is not serving me in any way, and it is in fact getting in the way of my education due to its distracting me with anger and bringing me into a possession wherein I can’t focus on my readings..

Authority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger towards the thought of authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become angry at the authorities in my life because I have not lived as an example of authority equal and one with myself, meaning, I have not been an authority of me in many areas of my life. Within this, I realize that when another demands of me to complete a task it is not their authority I am really reacting to, but rather my own lack of authority over and as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lack self-authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define authority as bad/wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word authority with a negative charge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge authority outside myself as just and unjust, instead of realizing that real authority can only ever come from within.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for lacking self-authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become angry with myself for lacking self-authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become frustrated within myself for lacking self-authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the validation, excuses and justifications that have allowed me to develop a lack of self-authority over time. In other words, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in moments where self-authority is/was required of me, to instead abdicate my self-responsibility to my mind of/as excuses, validations and justifications and to instead not move me within and as self-authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from authority within the belief that it must only come from a figure of authority outside of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from authority figures in my world/the world.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be and become equal to and one with authority within me, as self-authority, wherein I decide me and move me according to self-honesty and self-trust.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my anger and frustration towards authority to build up and accumulate within me, causing me to lose focus and become distracted, which triggers an entire pattern of anger/frustration/lack of authority.

Within this I realize that I am reacting to the point of authority as authority figures in my life because I have not accepted or allowed myself to develop self-authority over time, but have rather abdicated this responsibility to others, forcing them to ‘keep after me’ instead of me moving myself. I then become resentful and angry towards these outside authorities because I am projecting my own anger and frustration towards myself for not taking the necessary steps to be and become equal to and one with self-authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that authority is an imposition upon me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel/believe that authorities must be obeyed out of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear authority and authority figures in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obey authority out of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move myself to obey authority out of fear of consequences.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to move myself within self-honesty and self-trust, but to instead abdicate that responsibility on to others who I regard as authorities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am less-than authority, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that an authority is bigger/stronger/more powerful than me, instead of realizing myself as equal to and one within and as self-authority and living this realization as who I am.

I define self-authority as moving me within self-honesty and self-trust, to live the words I speak. Within this, I understand that there are going to be certain things in life that I will have strong resistances towards for whatever reason, and I will, within self-authority, push myself to walk through these resistances and to change myself within and as them. I realize that I have to live in this system and work and go to school, and in order to work within and through this system and these responsibilities effectively I must be an authority in my own life, and not rely upon the authority of others to ensure that I see it through.

I accept and allow myself to be the self-authority that I require me to be with/for/as me.

I accept and allow myself to take the self-responsibility necessary in order for me to be and become self-authority.

I accept and allow myself to be and become one with and equal to the self-authority that I am.

I allow myself, in situations where I require to see something through, to assert myself within and as self-authority.

Within the point about the text being difficult, I realized that I was angry at the author for not explaining concepts simply. I felt judgmental towards the author because I felt his text was self-masturbation, I felt the examples were irrelevant to the real world, I felt I had better arguments than him and reading his text was a waste of my time. Within this I see ego revealing itself and upon this realization I feel embarrassed like I have been ‘called out’. I have been called out because I am calling myself out: I do not accept or allow myself to participate in ego because it is not serving me in any way.

The Text is Difficult:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a reaction of anger to/towards the author of a text when I judge the text as ‘difficult’ or ‘complex.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge a text as difficult instead of changing my approach to reading that text, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the author of a text because I have not taken the self-responsibility to change my approach to the reading.

By ‘changing my approach to reading’ I mean, for example, to set up an area that is clean and clear, with a dictionary close by, and to allow myself to take the text bit-by-bit, and take breaks in between. I can also read a bit of text and then sit with it for a moment to absorb it, before moving on to the next bit. I can prepare myself by writing myself out, out speaking self-forgiveness out loud before I begin reading, in order to make sure my mind is clear as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the egoic reaction of believing a text to be above or below me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the polarity of being above/below the ideas presented within a text, instead of realizing that whether or not I agree with the author, I can take the time to understand his/her argument without judgment/ego.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to take the time to focus and understand an author’s arguments because of my participation within ego and judgment which creates backchat within me which causes anger and frustration.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within backchat while reading certain specific texts, and In that, creating the energetic experience of anger/frustration/discomfort within me which I project on to the author of the text.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the author of the text for the anger that I create within and as myself.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am experiencing anger and frustration towards myself for desiring to ‘give up’ on trying to understand the text. Within this ‘giving up’ is a giving up on myself, which I have in fact participated in many times with regards to reading and concentration.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘give up’ on myself when I am confronted with what I define as ‘difficult’ texts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in moments of not understanding, become angry and frustrated (and ‘give up’ on me) instead of taking a moment to ‘cool down’ or clear my head and push through the resistance of making my way through a ‘difficult’ text.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to give up on myself when things are tough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the idea that ‘it would be easier to give up on myself’ when I am confronted with a difficult task.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a pattern of giving up on me which has accumulated into the resistances I now face within reading difficult texts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel defeated when confronting difficult texts because of the belief that I am not capable of understanding.

I realize that within giving up and not pushing myself to direct myself through different approaches to reading ‘difficult’ texts, I am allowing myself to be and become the living statement that ‘I can’t do it’. I do not accept or allow this belief to exist within and as me because in reality I have never actually really asserted myself to stand within this situation.

I accept and allow myself to be the patience and persistence that I am in order to read and understand texts.

I accept and allow be self to be assertiveness, and to assert myself in situations that require me to push through or try new approaches.

I do not accept or allow myself to be the living statement that ‘I can’t do it’.

I do not accept or allow myself to participate in ego and judgment of either the author or the text itself, when reading assigned readings for classes or any other texts.

In situations when I feel myself growing angry, frustrated, agitated and uncomfortable when I’m reading I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that I am playing out patterns of anger, frustration and ego. I allow myself in the moment to take the opportunity to stop this pattern before it starts, and change my approach to one that is based in patience and understanding. I understand how I created this pattern, and I move myself to create a more comfortable situation for myself so that I can push through the resistance, or take a small break if that is what I require. What I will not accept or allow myself to do is give up on me.

Facing Life

Today I did not set an alarm to wake up because I am still feeling sick from my cold. When I got up I noticed the experience of too-much-ness which I have been experiencing over the past few months as overwhelmingness. During the summer I had been brought to tears from it several times, but now that I’ve listened to Bernard’s interview about this specific experience I understand it is the accumulation of attention towards a particular point. In my case I know that the points I had been working on were focus, self-discipline, time-management and of course, self-directive. These points have been extreme problems in my life in the form of avoiding them, evading them, so it’s a big shift for me to start incorporating them into my living application. I have had much resistance and physical discomfort as I have been working on these points, as well as emotional discomfort in the form of this overwhelming sensation wherein ‘it’s just all too much’. But I’ve gotten through that now and I am coming out on the other side of it with more determination and, as Bernard mentioned, a new perspective or point of view on this experience, and on what leads up to it and how it plays out for me.

My new perspective on this is that I now look at life, or my current experience in terms of the bigger picture. I noticed throughout this that I would normally tend to focus on all the tiny details and obsess over them and I tend to miss the bigger pattern or the bigger goal of what it is that I’m doing.

Within this, when I feel myself being pulled into the experience of being overwhelmed I stop myself immediately by concentrating on my breath and becoming aware of my physical body until my heart starts beating normally. This calms me down, whereas before I would, in a way ‘go with it’ and everything would seem to be happening very fast and I would feel that I couldn’t keep up. I would try to do everything right away and would always end up at the same spot: exhausted, usually sick, tired and feeling like I can’t do it. Feeling like I can’t keep up and I want to give up and I start letting things go and start falling behind etc... This pattern explains the tendency to start projects really strongly and then fizzle out toward the end, and then go into some sort of death throws just to survive and complete the task- whether it be school or a job or whatever. It’s really a very unpleasant experience and therefore I’m determined to correct it so I can stop beating myself up and no longer abuse myself in this way anymore.

Also within all this is the realization that I can only effectively accumulate myself, my self-will, self-discipline, self-directive principle (which will lead to better focus, better time management, and better self-movement) slowly over time. I can’t exert all my energy and completely wipe myself out and expect myself to gain any kind of effective self-support and self-trust this way. It’s more like self-sabotage.so I realize that to take it easy on myself is not to be lazy, but to first of all not let myself go into an experience of anxiety, stress and overwhelmingness, but to instead ‘check myself’ in breath. When I do this I calm down to a point of clarity wherein I can ask myself ‘what do I really need to do right now’ and then ‘am I capable of doing this effectively’ meaning, doing it with my all, complete focus and stability. If not, then I need to take care of myself like sit down and breathe or eat or drink something or simply stop and change environments and do something else.

Secondly, when I do decide within calmness and clarity, to do something, I commit to doing it fully. Today I experienced resistance to this type of situation in class. I have decided to take fewer longer classes instead of many short classes. This means paying attention and keeping my focus for 2 and a half hours at a time. This is very difficult for me and I experience the physical resistance to it as physical discomfort and I also become easily distracted.

The pattern I’m breaking here is the desire to get lost in my own ‘little world’ in my head, which I used to do every day in class since I was very young. I would draw or play in my desk. Now I listen, try to understand and try to take good notes. But it’s still hard at the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel seduced by the desire to escape into my mind in class when I need to instead focus and remain present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become easily distracted instead of remaining present and aware for the complete duration of the class, so that I can understand the material, do well, and be effective in the system.

 I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to exercise the will power and self-discipline to keep myself ‘in line’ while I’m in class, and instead waste my time by doodling and fantasizing about things that I don’t even remember.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be seduced by my fantasies because they seem so interesting and so much more interesting than the lecture when in fact they are not that interesting but rather variations of the same old fantasies I’ve been having for years. They go nowhere, they’re good for nothing and they’re a waste of my time when I should be learning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the classroom experience as boring and unbearable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the classroom experience as boring and unbearable because I’m trying to escape taking responsibility for my own learning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the classroom experience as boring and unbearable because it hard. It’s hard to learn new things and it;s hard to discipline myself and stay focused and integrate new information into my understanding of myself and my world, and thus far I have been lazy, which is what has made it all ‘hard’.

In reality it’s not hard, it just is. There is no value judgment for me to place on my daily experience, only whether I am applying myself fully-or not. When I am applying myself I face resistances, which make the experience seem ‘hard’ simply because it’s not easy and comfortable to change oneself and one’s patterns, habits, addictions, beliefs and definition.

 So it’s not that any of this is hard, it’s just that it’s uncomfortable and new. And what I’ve learned thus far in my process is that I can just focus on my breath during and throughout that discomfort and it will fade. The energy will eventually run out and I will remain, I will return to stability in the end, and with my focus and determination and my application of breath, I can remain stable throughout the experience as well.

So I allow myself to remain dedicated to my process and myself by remaining focused and fully present throughout the duration of my classes.

I do not accept or allow myself to be seduced by my thoughts and fantasies and desire to doodle and escape pushing myself through willing myself to focus and remain present throughout my classes’ duration.

Also, a few pointers to myself on a side note-

I noticed that I become distracted and brought into an energetic experience of self judgement when I look at all the students and pedestrians in and around school, on public transportation and on the shuttle bus etc...

-          In this respect I will work on not reacting to all the many people around me and rather focus on the bigger picture: why am I here, what am I doing right now to achieve that goal? Am I being the most effective I can be while taking it easy on myself? Am I being self honest? What am I standing as as an example right now in this moment? And Am I present?

-         

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at other students and people and judge what they are wearing and compare myself to them in self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other people based on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as others based on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by placing value on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself in my mind of judgment when I look at people around me instead of remaining present as breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape facing myself as who I am as life by going into my mind by placing importance on the physical appearance of things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people’s motivations for what they choose to wear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my motivations for what I choose to wear to come from a starting point of fear of judgment or of self-interest instead of just dressing practically and comfortably.

I do not accept or allow myself to judge others based on what they are wearing.

I do not accept or allow myself to judge other based on my projected ideas of their motivations behind how they dress.

I do not accept and allow myself to dress myself in order to impress anybody or with the belief that I will be judged. The only judgment is self-judgment.

I accept and allow myself to move through the day without reacting in judgment to the people around me.

I accept and allow myself to experience myself within crowds without being influenced or moved by their presence.

I accept myself unconditionally within big groups, and I move myself according to what’s best for all, and not what’s best for me.

I accept and allow myself to remain present within the crowds of downtown, within awareness as breath, without reaction, just silence within as stillness as stability as life.

_________________________

Self-Forgiveness on facing Myself Here, Now

Ok, so, here I am, sitting in my house, at my computer, where I’ve sat a million times and fallen in the face of who I am in this position. This position meaning, as a focused and disciplined individual who is about to start working on a very big assignment by simply sitting down, organizing and beginning to write. Already I feel overwhelmed, I’m miles ahead of myself thinking about failure, not being able to get it together, thinking about it bringing down my GPA, affecting my whole career as a student if I don’t ace this assignment.

I’ve been in this position many times in my life, and have always envied those who can just simply do it. Up to this point, I have not been able to. I don’t know if it has a name, ADD or OCD or XYZ, but it’s here with me. Big time. I can feel it as tightness in my throat, a feeling of withdrawal as if from a drug, a strong urge to get up out of this chair and go anywhere, do anything but this, a desire to pick at my skin and eat sugar and smoke or eat anything. And that’s what I’ve been doing, bouncing back and forth like a mad woman, in the chair-out of the chair- eating sugar- smoking like a chimney –picking at my skin – looking in the cupboards for a snack – freaking out about everything… But today is the day, and this is the breath. I’m here today with no cigarettes, no car, no food, just me and my imagined ‘unbelievable overwhelming project’ that needs to get done in order for me to have time to do all the other things I have to do in my life. I need o face this and to walk through it now. No more excuses.

So, here we go, the keys are my Key:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest resistances to siting down and focusing myself because of the self-created patterns of ‘giving in’ existent in me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect physical resistances to sitting down and focusing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect sitting down and focusing on a project to the word ‘hard’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sitting down and focusing myself within the word ‘hard’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from sitting down and focusing myself, and from the word ‘hard’, by defining focusing myself within the word ‘hard’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect sitting down and focusing myself to the word ‘overwhelming’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sitting down and focusing myself within the word ‘overwhelming’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from sitting down and focusing myself, and from the word ‘overwhelming’ by defining sitting down and focusing myself within the word ‘hard’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing resistances to sitting down and focusing myself to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am less-than the mind, and breathing this belief to life by giving in to the mind and all the physical reactions that go with it when it comes to focusing myself in a concentrated way on a task that needs to get done that I don’t necessarily want to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by what I want and don’t want rather than being directed by the principle of doing what’s best for all in all ways.

Hard:

Dictionary definition: Difficult to do, difficult to understand or explain, difficult to endure, harsh, severe, stern.

My allocation: focusing, concentration, low-stimulation, effort, slow accumulation, not wanting to…

New definition:

Here ARe my Demons

When something is ‘hard’ for me to do it is because I am in the process of facing my self-created and pre-programmed system demons, habits and patterns. When something is hard it indicates to me that it’s time to get hardy, to withstand and push through what I have accepted and allowed within myself. to ensure I don’t take the comfortable road or easy way out of excuses and distractions in the form of cigarettes, picking candy and food and other distractions I may think of.  

When something is hard it’s time for me to step up, stick to the principle of oneness and equality for all that is Here with me. It’s time to become one and equal to my demons, so that I can be in a position where I stand stable and do not accept or allow myself to be influenced by the internal experiences that are created by my mind.

Overwhelming (overwhelm):

Dictionary definition: to pour down and bury beneath, to crush, overpower.

My allocation: the inability to move myself, tightness, walls, confusion and lack of clarity.

The word sounds like: OVER the W(h)EaLth of Matter

To become overwhelmed is to place one’s mind’s creations over the wealth of matter, as if one’s thoughts in the forms of worries, stresses and fears were ‘more-than’ what’s Here as the physical, as matter.

When I become overwhelmed I remember that everything is right Here, all of me is Here in matter, and only my mind can project into the future, causing me to feel overwhelmed. Only my mind can overwhelm me with thoughts that ‘it’s too much’ and ‘I can’t possibly do it all’.

Nothing is more than what’s here as matter, as the physical, only in our minds is something greater than us.

I stand stable here, one and equal to what’s here, and place nothing over the wealth of matter, that is the only place there is real wealth.

When I sit at my desk, I stop, I breathe, and I take my task one step at a time, until it’s done, because that is the only way it can be done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘give in’ thus in a sense giving up on myself.

I do not accept or allow myself to give up on myself, no matter how small or insignificant the ‘battle’ may seem, the accumulative effect will determine me in the end as I accumulate either a million small victories or a million defeats. I choose perseverance, I choose to accumulate myself as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive facing myself as a battle, Living does not entail battles or fighting, remaining stable doesn’t require conflict. I breathe Here, within stability through all the imagined battles in my mind.

I do not accept or allow myself to participate in the battles in my mind, or self against self. I am Here, complete and whole. There is no conflict within oneness and equality, only in the mind.