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Tuesday, April 19, 2011

My Breakup with Alcohol

Alcohol has always been accepted, encouraged and celebrated in all spheres of my life: by family, friends and even at work. Learning how to drink is almost a rite of passage where I'm from, and youth start going to bars around the age of 14.

I was a late bloomer at 16. My family gatherings revolved heavily around drinking, which is normal here. I started working at a bar when I was 18 and I don't even know if I was an alcoholic because drinking everyday was just so normal in all aspects of my life and I never even considered stopping.

The first time I questioned my drinking habits is when a man drove me home from working at the bar one night. He used to come in and drink cranberry juice and be an asshole to me during my shift, but would often drive me home as he was always sober at closing time. One night on the drive home. he gave me a lecture, Something along the lines of "what are you doing with your life... look at yourself... what the hell are you thinking..." etc etc... at this point I was 22. I remember bursting out in tears when I got out of the car. I was so drunk I stumbled in to bed, and when I got up to go to the bathroom I tripped over something and went flying across my room on to the floor. This is when I realized I had absolutely no control. This was the first time I ever prayed for help, but all I felt was a dark emptiness inside me.

This didn't stop me from continuing, because from my point of view, it didn't matter. I had dropped out of school already and had no obligations in life except to pay my bills, which I paid by getting drunk at work. In fact, the more I drank, the more money I made, because customers would buy me drinks and then tip me on them.

At 23 I got married and moved to the U.S, but I still drank every night, I smoked weed too. My husband and I got in to a discussion one night about alcoholism and he told me I was an alcoholic. This was the first time I stopped drinking for a period, but only to prove him wrong, and I started up again soon after.

When I found desteni I realized I needed to stop these habits. Weed went first because I saw the videos explaining the actual consequences of smoking weed first. At that time I cut down on drinking, but I would still go all out some nights.

But I didn't stop altogether because I didn't think it mattered if I had a few drinks every now and again.

Because of desteni I soon went back to school, which involved moving back to my hometown where I could afford the education. With the deseni tools I eventually got to a point where I was only drinking at family gatherings or social events. Also, because of desteni, I knew I had to face that bar I used to work in, because that's where I felt I had no control over my drinking. I went back there and asked for shifts, which they gave me. The first shift I couldn't resist. I drank with the customers and everybody was happy to see me and wanted to buy me shots and I allowed it. The second shift I resisted a bit at first, but then caved in. So I took a break and stayed away from the place. But then, on the last day of exams last semester I made an excuse to drop by the bar, and the bartender offered me a celebratory drink. Next thing I knew, many people were buying me drinks and I was having a "good time" and "celebrating all my hard work". The night ended up with me going out for a smoke with a customer and bringing him in the back alley under an awning out of the rain. He slipped and fell on the ice and he lay in a puddle unconscious. I had to call an ambulance. I rode in the ambulance and waited in the emergency room and when I learned he would be fine I went home. This was NOT COOL.

I did NOT want to have to face any more manifested consequences for the stupid SHIT I would do while drunk.

Soon after I watched a desteni video which uttered the words "alcohol is the manifestation of self-defeat." Those words struck me to the core. This was not too long ago, I can't remember exactly when, but that's when I made the decision to stop -permanently.

After a re-commitment to process and much writing and self-forgiveness, I was able to go without drinking for a long period of time. When I felt that through self-forgiveness and a clear understanding of why I must do this through investigating desteni vids, I decided to test my application. I accepted two shifts at the bar.

I did self-forgiveness before the shifts and remained in breath throughout them, and with these tools I was finally able to -in the face of intense pressures and old habits, simply direct myself in the moment and say no, confidently, over and over throughout both 8 hour shifts -and it was easy!

What I realized was that through consistent application of self-forgiveness I feel lighter and less suppressed. I would normally drink through these shifts to pass time and to deal with people in the intense one-on-one situations I have to face with strangers as a bartender, but when these situations arose they were like a million little re-confirmations of my decision. During the night, people stopped noticing that I wasn't drinking because I was able to be open and conversational and confident, which were things I used to only be able to achieve with the "social lubricant" that would make all my anxieties go away.

During these shifts the ones who drank the most and offered me the most drinks were the management. By the end of the night they can barely walk, and I am the one standing. They were saying emotional things to me, words which I would never throw around about how important I was to them and how they were going to miss me during the summer when I go home, but if they really cared, they would not have drank to the point where they will not remember this time together that they claim to be so valuable.

I also just had a family gathering tonight and proved to myself once more, with ease, that my decision to quit alcohol is absolute. Nobody even noticed that I didn't drink tonight, because it didn't even matter to me anymore.

With self-forgiveness and corrective application, I know that I will never allow myself to participate in manifested self-defeat again, because I will never diminish myself that way, and the amazing thing is that this was so easy once I made the decision.

I will not pursue anymore shifts at that bar because I don't want to participate in facilitating others to abuse themselves in this way, but I am not saying I will never work there again. I still have people to face there completely, and I also think it's good for me to refuse drinks while still able to have a good time, to show others that this is possible and easy. A couple girls my age came in to the bar I saw what I was doing, and in the taxi on the way home, one of the managers said he needed to stop doing this. I told him it was in his control to do so, when normally I would have justified it for him.

So, I just wanted to share my breakup with alcohol, thanks to consistent application of the desteni tools, it finally became easy.

Response from Fidelis:
"Wow, that was awesome.
I had a similar experience when I went to a Music Festival with friends and i used to drink alot with my friends there. But the last time I went to the festival i didn't drink any alcohol.

The Desteni tools assisted me to get to that point, because it assisted me in realizing the reasons why i drank in the first place - to get away from it all, to fit in with a certain group, drowning sorrows, not wanting to face myself.

Its hectic shit.

Thanks for sharing."


Quote: Fidelis
The Desteni tools assisted me to get to that point, because it assisted me in realizing the reasons why i drank in the first place - to get away from it all, to fit in with a certain group, drowning sorrows, not wanting to face myself.

Ya. I find that now that I'm not existing by fear, insecurity or just feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, I can just 'be myself' in a group, which allows me to 'fit in' more than ever before. Because when we drop all the bullshit of trying to belong or trying to be a certain way, we are ALL a part of the group, whether we know it or not. Inter-personal relationships are more authentic and consistent here, which frees up space to just be.

But in situations where it's intense and I don't feel like I can just be myself, it's cool to not participate, not feed the situation, just be neutral and breathe. These are the situations, at the bar that night, where I was really challenged in the moment, because in these situations the other person expects you to react, and you just don't and they're left hanging in their fantasy or whatever it is they're in.

Its hectic shit.
That's for sure. But it's like swimming, constant movement and splashing and stimulation around you while consistent self-movement in the moment leads to smooth navigation through the water. That's how it felt at the bar those two nights. So much going on around me but within me only clear directive and directing.

I realize it may not seem like a big deal, but to me it was for two reasons: One, because that place had conquered me for so many years. And two, because I never thought I could face it, and I did, and it was EASY!! So cool.

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