Anger in Focus

My experience with school throughout my life has not been an easy one for me. I was placed in special classes for slow learners at a young age and since then I have not really applied myself. I have always struggled in school and have had much difficulty with focus and my attention span. I have never been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD, but I have also never been tested. I found I was able to slip through the cracks in highschool and get by, passing all my classes. In college however, it was a different story, and I flunked out after my first year.

I have been appliying the Desteni tools for about 2 years. I started off slow and was impatient and overwhelmed by it at first, however, as I kept applying them I have been able to slow myself down and sort myself out. Within the Desteni proess I have pushed myself to go back to school- something I always wanted to do but was too scared to take the leap. Going back to school has involved me moving far away from my husband and the life we were creating together. It required me to humbly ask him to put our life on 'pause' for 2 years while I get my university degree. It also involved financial circumstances that would have otherwise freaked me out, but we have found ways to make it work by using the resources available to us. Needless to say, it has not been as simple as just signing up for some classes. I have had to reorganize my entire life to make this work, I utilized the Desteni tools to keep myself grounded throughout, and I am slowly walking this process now fully committed. The proof has been 'in the pudding' as they say. So within this blog I am tackling ADD-like tendencies that have caused me a lot of problems throughout my academic career, and in truth, I'm sick of it. I am fed up and I am ready to take the bull by the horns. Here I am writing out this point of anger and frustration within focusing myself on reading:

Yesterday I pushed myself through a possession while I was reading. I managed to do this for about 20 minutes. What came up was anger and discomfort within me wherein I become all fidgety and uncomfortable within myself as I pushed myself to focus on the text. I realized that this is not the case for every text, it only occurs when the text is more difficult, or when I am under the impression that I ‘have to’ read it by the demand of some authority. I have realized within my writing that I experience conflict within myself in terms of authority. It was not immediately obvious to me because I have not consistently ‘fought’ authority outright, only on a few rare occasions. On those occasions it was like an explosions of built up anger and resentment for ‘being told what to do’, or doing things I did not like doing and participating in backchat that the authority was not ‘just’, and then feeling angry at myself for fearing that authority, and complying out of fear.

                Within the point about the text being difficult, I realized that I was angry at the author for not explaining concepts simply. I felt judgmental towards the author because I felt his text was self-masturbation, I felt the examples were irrelevant to the real world, I felt I had better arguments than him and reading his text was a waste of my time. Within this I see ego revealing itself and upon this realization I feel embarrassed like I have been ‘called out’. I have been called out because I am calling myself out: I do not accept or allow myself to participate in ego because it is not serving me in any way, and it is in fact getting in the way of my education due to its distracting me with anger and bringing me into a possession wherein I can’t focus on my readings..

Authority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger towards the thought of authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become angry at the authorities in my life because I have not lived as an example of authority equal and one with myself, meaning, I have not been an authority of me in many areas of my life. Within this, I realize that when another demands of me to complete a task it is not their authority I am really reacting to, but rather my own lack of authority over and as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lack self-authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define authority as bad/wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word authority with a negative charge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge authority outside myself as just and unjust, instead of realizing that real authority can only ever come from within.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for lacking self-authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become angry with myself for lacking self-authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become frustrated within myself for lacking self-authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the validation, excuses and justifications that have allowed me to develop a lack of self-authority over time. In other words, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in moments where self-authority is/was required of me, to instead abdicate my self-responsibility to my mind of/as excuses, validations and justifications and to instead not move me within and as self-authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from authority within the belief that it must only come from a figure of authority outside of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from authority figures in my world/the world.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be and become equal to and one with authority within me, as self-authority, wherein I decide me and move me according to self-honesty and self-trust.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my anger and frustration towards authority to build up and accumulate within me, causing me to lose focus and become distracted, which triggers an entire pattern of anger/frustration/lack of authority.

Within this I realize that I am reacting to the point of authority as authority figures in my life because I have not accepted or allowed myself to develop self-authority over time, but have rather abdicated this responsibility to others, forcing them to ‘keep after me’ instead of me moving myself. I then become resentful and angry towards these outside authorities because I am projecting my own anger and frustration towards myself for not taking the necessary steps to be and become equal to and one with self-authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that authority is an imposition upon me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel/believe that authorities must be obeyed out of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear authority and authority figures in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obey authority out of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move myself to obey authority out of fear of consequences.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to move myself within self-honesty and self-trust, but to instead abdicate that responsibility on to others who I regard as authorities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am less-than authority, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that an authority is bigger/stronger/more powerful than me, instead of realizing myself as equal to and one within and as self-authority and living this realization as who I am.

I define self-authority as moving me within self-honesty and self-trust, to live the words I speak. Within this, I understand that there are going to be certain things in life that I will have strong resistances towards for whatever reason, and I will, within self-authority, push myself to walk through these resistances and to change myself within and as them. I realize that I have to live in this system and work and go to school, and in order to work within and through this system and these responsibilities effectively I must be an authority in my own life, and not rely upon the authority of others to ensure that I see it through.

I accept and allow myself to be the self-authority that I require me to be with/for/as me.

I accept and allow myself to take the self-responsibility necessary in order for me to be and become self-authority.

I accept and allow myself to be and become one with and equal to the self-authority that I am.

I allow myself, in situations where I require to see something through, to assert myself within and as self-authority.

Within the point about the text being difficult, I realized that I was angry at the author for not explaining concepts simply. I felt judgmental towards the author because I felt his text was self-masturbation, I felt the examples were irrelevant to the real world, I felt I had better arguments than him and reading his text was a waste of my time. Within this I see ego revealing itself and upon this realization I feel embarrassed like I have been ‘called out’. I have been called out because I am calling myself out: I do not accept or allow myself to participate in ego because it is not serving me in any way.

The Text is Difficult:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a reaction of anger to/towards the author of a text when I judge the text as ‘difficult’ or ‘complex.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge a text as difficult instead of changing my approach to reading that text, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the author of a text because I have not taken the self-responsibility to change my approach to the reading.

By ‘changing my approach to reading’ I mean, for example, to set up an area that is clean and clear, with a dictionary close by, and to allow myself to take the text bit-by-bit, and take breaks in between. I can also read a bit of text and then sit with it for a moment to absorb it, before moving on to the next bit. I can prepare myself by writing myself out, out speaking self-forgiveness out loud before I begin reading, in order to make sure my mind is clear as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the egoic reaction of believing a text to be above or below me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the polarity of being above/below the ideas presented within a text, instead of realizing that whether or not I agree with the author, I can take the time to understand his/her argument without judgment/ego.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to take the time to focus and understand an author’s arguments because of my participation within ego and judgment which creates backchat within me which causes anger and frustration.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within backchat while reading certain specific texts, and In that, creating the energetic experience of anger/frustration/discomfort within me which I project on to the author of the text.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the author of the text for the anger that I create within and as myself.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am experiencing anger and frustration towards myself for desiring to ‘give up’ on trying to understand the text. Within this ‘giving up’ is a giving up on myself, which I have in fact participated in many times with regards to reading and concentration.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘give up’ on myself when I am confronted with what I define as ‘difficult’ texts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in moments of not understanding, become angry and frustrated (and ‘give up’ on me) instead of taking a moment to ‘cool down’ or clear my head and push through the resistance of making my way through a ‘difficult’ text.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to give up on myself when things are tough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the idea that ‘it would be easier to give up on myself’ when I am confronted with a difficult task.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a pattern of giving up on me which has accumulated into the resistances I now face within reading difficult texts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel defeated when confronting difficult texts because of the belief that I am not capable of understanding.

I realize that within giving up and not pushing myself to direct myself through different approaches to reading ‘difficult’ texts, I am allowing myself to be and become the living statement that ‘I can’t do it’. I do not accept or allow this belief to exist within and as me because in reality I have never actually really asserted myself to stand within this situation.

I accept and allow myself to be the patience and persistence that I am in order to read and understand texts.

I accept and allow be self to be assertiveness, and to assert myself in situations that require me to push through or try new approaches.

I do not accept or allow myself to be the living statement that ‘I can’t do it’.

I do not accept or allow myself to participate in ego and judgment of either the author or the text itself, when reading assigned readings for classes or any other texts.

In situations when I feel myself growing angry, frustrated, agitated and uncomfortable when I’m reading I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that I am playing out patterns of anger, frustration and ego. I allow myself in the moment to take the opportunity to stop this pattern before it starts, and change my approach to one that is based in patience and understanding. I understand how I created this pattern, and I move myself to create a more comfortable situation for myself so that I can push through the resistance, or take a small break if that is what I require. What I will not accept or allow myself to do is give up on me.