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Thursday, February 23, 2012

Looking at a Pattern

I woke up this morning, still feeling a little sick, and as I came downstairs to begin my day I felt a familiar pattern coming. I was really tired and my eyes were having trouble opening as I came down stairs. My head was heavy because of congestion and my feet were heavy. Within all this I judged myself as looking like a big ogre  fumbling around because I was still ‘half-asleep’. When I looked in the mirror I was surprised not to see a horrific sight. I just saw me, tired. And I felt bad for having judged myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in the mornings when I am tired and not ‘all done up’ and ‘ready to go’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to begin my day within immediate self-judgment without stopping myself and bringing myself back Here in awareness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  judge myself and to base my inner experience upon that judgment that is not even real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on the mind to dictate who or what I am upon waking up, instead of waking up in awareness and walking into the day as self-trust and self-direction.

The familiar pattern I felt was that ‘everything is a hard task’ and ‘I can do it later when I feel better’. Do it ‘later’ as if, at some later time I will feel perfect and I will have changed and I will have no problems moving me. But not now, now I have a whole list of excuses ready as to why I cannot do things right now. The pattern consist of the belief that I have to do everything right away, right now or else I’ll never do it, it will accumulate until it I too big, and it will become unmanageable.

This has, in the past, been a familiar play out. I had been struggling with this one before Desteni- before I had the tools to deal with it effectively. It is severe procrastination, and then it gets too big just throwing my hands up and saying ‘fuck it’, I’m not dealing with this. And then Life becomes this huge ball of accumulated consequences which I am still dealing with in so many ways.  “The sins of the past” as my dentist would say, as the consequences come back to haunt me.

I remind myself here that the only way through this is to take one thing at a time, and  to take it in a specific, well-directed way, in order to work through all the consequences of the past so that I can start doing it ‘the right way’ from the beginning. The ‘right way’ meaning, not in terms of right and wrong, but in terms of self-direction and procrastination- to direct my world right away, as things come up, and to see them through to completion, without any reactions. Reactions are not necessary, but it is almost impossible not to react when I put things off. It is really self-sabotage because not only do I set myself up to continue to experience the consequences of it, but I also set myself up to react, to judge myself, to feel insecure because I haven’t proven my self-trust that I will do what I need to do.

When I put things off it’s because of extreme resistances that I believe to be true/real but are not. This means I am still depending on my internal experience of myself to dictate who and how I am, and what I am able to do and not do. This leaves me within absolute abdication to my mind, which is like an ogre that fumbles around and barely makes it through the day. I do not allow this to be who I am.

Every time I push through these make believe walls I am fine, I come out on the other side having expanded and having gained a little bit of myself back. Every time I stand up in the face of my beliefs that I am not able, I give a little of myself back to me, as the most precious gift anyone could ever give themselves. One which only I can give me because I am the one who ‘gave myself away’ in the first place. I gave myself away to the beliefs that I am too weak or too small to stand in the face of my very own beliefs. I created those beliefs, so now I am responsible to un-create them, which involves constantly and consistently reminding myself that they are not who I am, they do not dictate what I am capable of, and they do not represent my limitations. I have proven to myself time and time again that I am able to direct myself and my world.

But I have spent my whole life believing I am whatever my mind conjures up. I have spent decades believing I am limited to that which my mind conjures up, and the multitude of limitations my mind bombards me with so as not to have to face me, my life, reality. Till here no further. I will not continue on with this charade of limitation. I allow myself now, to step beyond my beliefs as limitations, and into the world of unscripted self-direction. This is where I decide who, what and how I am, and I will not decide until I push myself to see just how far I can go. But this involves patience, as I gently push me, little by little, every day. Constant and consistent application is the only way.

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