I have been having severe writer’s block when it comes to writing myself out lately. My mind is telling me ‘you’ve figured it all out, now you can go back to living the way you were.”
I remember that life, it was easy and comfortable, things felt like they were supposed to be a certain way. I thought I could align myself to the way they were supposed to be in order to experience the stability and security I’d always dreamed of and chased. But that is an endless chase in this world, because it is a chase of ideas in the mind: future happiness, future security, future stability and the path that will lead me there. What I realize is that the way things were supposed to be for me was all about me, only me. My ‘path’ did not consider anything else that is here on the earth with me. My ‘path’ involved supporting myself to live by depending on systems which abuse life, and depending on life itself without any regard for the unconditional support I receive from it in every breath. Now I have no path, instead I walk breath by breath into the unknown. Instead of future dreams of a house and a good salary to guide me, I have self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-corrective application and the principle of doing what’s best for all in all ways. Instead of projecting security and stability to some future date I am becoming these words now, living them in real time; security in the form of self-trust, and stability in the form of an actual stability within myself. I am becoming something I can depend on. Happiness is a tough one, because I don’t know how happy I can feel in a world where children starve, people get raped and murdered and animals get slaughtered while the environment deteriorates. But the pursuit of happiness is done with. I realize it’s the mind with the ‘carrot on a stick’ trick.
I will no longer allow myself to be fooled by my mind. I understand that it does not want to discontinue, it has the same self-preservation default that everything else does, with one clear goal: to survive and continue existing. But herein lies my choice: do I want to exist or do I want to exist as my mind? Existing as the mind is not life, and the choice disappears when the mind disappears, therefore the choice is an illusion. When the mind disappears life remains, life cannot disappear, life is Here.
What I am existing as is ego, and because of that I believe my thoughts are something worth spending time as. But they’re not. Not even one of them. Not the ones that make me feel good, and not the inevitable polarity experience of feeling bad. I have indeed been participating within and as my thoughts a lot recently. They have taken me on a roller-coaster ride of self-doubt and delusions of grandeur and wanting to feel like I’m special. Everyone wants to feel special and like they are more than another, because being more, having more, being of value in this reality means survival. I don’t want to survive, I want to live. I want to kill my ego so that I can live.
Since I’ve started this process I’ve felt a space open up within me where fear, self-judgment and anxiety used to be. Within that space I am being fooled by this desire to be everything I’ve always wanted to be when I was actually suppressed by fear, self-judgment and anxiety. I wanted to feel special, feel attractive, feel successful, thus separating myself from these things. These superficial things which I have always placed value on cannot take the place of the things I was existing as. The only acceptable thing I can replace my ego with is the humility, oneness and equality I am with all that is here. To set my goal as my desire is to suppress myself once again underneath the illusions of the mind. The pursuit of these things is empty and endless and they are not who I am as life.
I am at a blank, so now it is my responsibility to direct this blank to something which will accumulate the self-honesty and self trust I require to stand as life. Within this self-direction I seek support from the one group I know I can depend on and trust, so it’s time for me to study desteni-style, and that involves placing in front of me my own accepted truths. This is what I have been avoiding.