I have to kick the habit of using relationships to satisfy my emotional addiction. I used to call these ‘emotional needs’ which I would depend on others to satisfy within me. I used to think that was totally normal and acceptable. Now I see that everything I desire to obtain from another is actually something which I do not live within myself. When I look at my relationships I can see that I used them to ‘make’ me feel ‘special’ and ‘loved’, meaning that I separate myself from these ideas wherein I feel un-important and un-loved within myself and so instead of changing within myself I abdicate my self-responsibility to others and expect it from them. I expect those in my world to act a certain way towards me instead of changing my self-perception and forgiving myself for not loving myself unconditionally and for not valuing myself as the most important self I have. Because this is the only self I have to work with, this one life and this one physical body and voice, to which I will become equal and one with within so that I can live equality within in order to manifest it without.
So all this indicates to me that I feel like I am un-whole when I ‘just am,’ meaning I believe that there are pieces of me ‘out there, ’missing somehow, when all along the fact I have been missing is the fact that I am whole. I’ve been missing myself, so for now I’ll start to bring back the pieces by reminding myself that I have separated myself from them through my acceptance and allowance, and my participation within polarity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself , creating self-judgment wherein I feel un-special/un-important, or un-loveable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am un-whole, by allowing myself to separate myself from the things I desire and the things I avoid.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be un-whole by allowing myself to separate myself from the things I desire and avoid, and then allow myself to be directed by the things I desire and the things I avoid.
I allow myself to stop participating in the pursuit of these thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I allow myself to be equal and one to myself.
Feeling Secial/unspecial:
Feeling Special: To me, this is the feeling I get from the one person in the world who would pick me out of a crowd, who would value me more than another, who would constantly tell me I’m special because I need that type of reassurance because of my participation in polarity..
Coming up within me now are memories of school, where I believed there was nobody who would pick me over the rest. Nobody would approach me to talk or initiate a friendship. It’s interesting because this feeling comes back when I am in social situations now such as starting a new job. This past new job I started I felt insecure and like nobody liked me or wanted to know me, but instead of believing these thoughts, or even caring about them I directed myself to interact with my coworkers as I would have them interact with me. It didn’t take long before everything was normal and fine. This proved after only a few days that the emotional experience of ‘un-special,’ ‘un-important (etc...) that I felt in school and when I was younger were self-created. I believed my thoughts, feeling and emotions instead of applying myself as who I am, I allowed them to determine that for me. So for now, I would like to let go, release or delete the particular memories of special and un-special, so that I no longer participate in this polarity. The memories include:
- walking around the schoolyard alone, realizing I had not one friend.
- Not being asked to dance at parties or dances.
- Looking at other students and interpreting what I saw as them having fun, expressing themselves, being special and recognized as such, while I felt I existed in the background, un-noticed, un-appreciated, existing for no reason.
- being picked on, knowing no one would defend me, not defending myself, believing no one cared and believing that I was faulted and that’s why people made fun of me. I felt like an outcast and I just wanted to disappear, and I was humiliated if anyone saw or pointed me out because I felt unworthy.
All these beliefs, memories and delusions of the mind led me to believe I was faulted in some way. So I’ll just start with the first memory and work my way through them all.
“- walking around the schoolyard alone, realizing I had not one friend.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to realize myself as the experience of loneliness instead of realizing myself as who I am as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself with the feeling of loneliness, allowing the emotion to direct my actions wherein I aligned myself to the definition of ‘lonely’ and ‘with not one friend’ instead of directing myself to treat others the way I would have liked to have been treated, which I have already proven to myself is an effective course of action.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose inaction and passivity over self-movement, allowing myself to be directed by my mind instead of applying myself .
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse of being hurt by the emotional experience of ‘loneliness’ and ‘with not one friend’ to separate myself and isolate myself into my own little world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can be hurt or diminished in any way, only my ego can be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself into my own little world separate from the real world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself in to my own little ‘safe’ world because I believe the real world would hurt me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I had been hurt by the real world, believing it to be a strange and cruel place, when in fact it was all in my mind, meaning my mind was the strange and cruel place. Therefore, by isolating myself I was in fact hiding from and separating myself from my own mind, creating a split within me, wherein one world was scary, cold and strange, and the other was warm, small and quiet.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept the world as it is, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lost and intimidated within and as the real world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe reality is ‘too big’, ‘too cold’ and ‘too scary’ for me to be able to stand and direct myself within it, I allow myself to drop the smokescreen of my beliefs, to reveal the fact that I can stand and direct myself within any experience. I allow myself to direct myself through the smokescreen of my mind, without being influenced, moved or fooled by the thoughts, feeling and emotions I have always existed as.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place definitions, judgments and beliefs on to my idea of ‘what the world is like’, because it is just an idea, therefore it exists only in my mind, creating the polarity world of soft, small and warm.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as an idea, thus being influenced and directed by a false reality, instead of participating fully with what is actually Here.
I allow myself to participate fully with others in my world, and I accept and allow myself to apply and direct myself as my living self through all situations that may arise in my reality or my mind.
-“ Not being asked to dance at parties or dances.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my worthiness based on others desire or lack of desire to dance (share an intimacy) with me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek intimacy with others instead of realizing self-intimacy.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be self-intimate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being self-intimate.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I am not able to be self-intimate I will not be able to share intimacy with others, but only the illusion of intimacy as an idea I’ve created and separated myself from and then believed I can only experience it with others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be asked to dance in order to feel special.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to asked to dance in order to feel special because I have separated myself from ‘feeling special’, placing that feeling outside of myself where I accept and allow myself to be directed and defined by the belief that I must attain it, thus accepting and allowing the belief that ‘others must prove to me that I am special’ instead of me accepting and allowing myself to be who I am as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself in to the emotional and feeling experiences of ‘special’ and ‘un-special’ instead of accepting and allowing myself to unconditionally accept myself and unconditionally live/love myself as who I am as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others must prove to me that I am special, thus abdicating my responsibility to direct myself and know that I am already complete,.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my thoughts, feeling and emotions, thus accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my perceptions and interpretations of my experiences, which is all mind creations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed and defined by my mind, and the interpretations of and within my mind of outside events, instead of being one and equal to my mind, and fully present and aware in the physical.
I accept and allow myself to experience self-intimacy within myself.
I accept and allow myself to be myself, to be who I am as life.
I accept and allow myself to unconditionally accept myself as who I am as life.
I accept and allow myself to love myself unconditionally.
I accept and allow myself to unconditionally live myself.
I accept and allow myself to take self-responsibility to direct myself as life without participation within and as my thoughts, feelings, emotion, perceptions, ideas and beliefs.
I accept and allow myself to stop, I am one and equal with all that is Here.
- “Looking at other students and interpreting what I saw as them having fun, expressing themselves, being special and recognized as such, while I felt I existed in the background, un-noticed, un-appreciated, existing for no reason.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself within myself until I am so small and insignificant that I’d rather not exist.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to others doing what I’d like to do, in terms of opening up and expressing themselves, by retreating within myself, suppressing and hiding myself within myself as my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself within myself. I allow myself to expand myself as who I am as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to retreat within myself. I allow myself to flow with life and direct myself one breath at a time as I live with life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself within myself. I allow myself to live fully as who I am as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living as who I am as life, Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot express myself like others can.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot express myself like others can because I fear being embarrassed, humiliated and hurt by others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can be embarrassed by others, only my ego can be embarrassed. I embrace myself as Who I Am unconditionally.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can be humiliated by others, only ego can be humiliated and not life, life stands always, eternally and absolute. I allow myself to nurture myself and gently push and support myself to apply myself as who I am as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can be hurt by others, only ego can be hurt. I allow myself to pick myself up and support myself unconditionally so that I can take life one breath at a time, knowing I have myself, my self-support and my self-responsibility as life to direct myself.
-“ being picked on, knowing no one would defend me, not defending myself, believing no one cared and believing that I was faulted and that’s why people made fun of me. I felt like an outcast and I just wanted to disappear, and I was humiliated if anyone saw or pointed me out because I felt unworthy.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the words of others, thus defining myself by them and believing myself to be less than them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as less than words instead of living words and realizing that I Am Life, and not less than Life as I believed myself to be less than words spoken to me, and I believed to be the words that are spoken to me instead of realizing I Am Here, constant and stable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react emotionally within ego to being picked on, instead of standing within myself and as Life, as Who I Am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am defenceless within myself, by believing that I need to defend myself from an attack. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within conflict, within the internal conflict which manifests as external attacks, within which through my participation I allow myself to attack myself. Therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anyone can come and save me from myself, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to myself by believing I need to be defended, or that I need someone to come to my defence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to defend myself from others as myself. Instead I stop, I stop myself from participating within the competition and conflict within my mind and my reality, and I allow myself to breathe myself Here as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe no one cares about me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop caring about myself, and I allow myself to care for myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I depend on others ‘caring about me’ when it is in fact all about me caring about myself, so I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to care about myself. I care about myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am faulted, instead of realizing myself as innocence as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am born within sin.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am born within guilt.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am born from a condemned stock.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am tarnished.
I allow myself to release myself from these beliefs, as they do not serve me, they are not one with who I am as life. These beliefs are of the mind, they are of the ego and I do not accept and allow them within me, or to direct me in any way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive ‘people making fun of me’ as people seeing me as faulted, when it is in fact my own self-perception of being faulted which I am projecting on to them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in projecting upon others, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my own projections, believing them to be the true nature of the situation, rather than accepting and allowing myself to stand within any given situation, without judging the situation with my mind and ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the ego, my ego, which is the only thing that reacts to ‘being made fun of’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be the ego, my ego, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself as ‘being made fun’ of when it is in fact only my ego that is reacting.
I allow myself to make-fun of myself, and enjoy myself as who I am in every moment of breath, within any given situation wherein I remain the same today as I am tomorrow as I stand absolute.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as an outcast within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not a part of the group.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it the group who decides whether or not I am a part of it, when it is in fact me who decides.
I accept myself within myself.
I allow myself to stand as a part of the group, and I allow myself to complete myself as a whole within the whole.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to disappear within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to abdicate myself to my mind, in which I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as the mind to fear who I really am as Life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself within revealing myself to the world, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself revealing myself to the world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience unworthiness within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place self-acceptance outside myself, and to expect it from others when I am responsible for accepting myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place self-acceptance outside myself, where it will never actually be realized.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility for my own self-acceptance, by not forgiving myself unconditionally for everything I have accepted and allowed myself to be or become or experience that is not who I really am, it is less than who I really am as life.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to love and accept myself unconditionally as life.
I accept allow myself to remain present and aware as breath, as Life.
I accept and allow myself to stand as Who I Am.
I am Here.
I stand as Life.
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