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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Resistance to my Job

I just got a new job for the summer to support myself until I move back to Montreal to finish my degree. I thought the experience of working would be different because I went in to it knowing it would only be for about three months. However, after the third day I began to experience all the familiar signs of resistance to working I have felt all my life at every job and in school. It feels like: this is boring, this is pointless/useless/a waste of my time, I hate being here, I hate doing this, I just want to get this done, etc...

What an awful way to experience oneself at any moment in life! I realize that each moment in every breath I take is a moment for me to remain present and to be as effective as I can no matter what I am doing. I realize that I am required to work to pay my bills and survive and that I chose the job I am currently doing, so I will do it to the best of my ability no matter what.

But old habits die hard, and I have been programming myself to judge tasks which require 'effort' as hard, boring, useless etc..., so now it is time to de-programme so that I can get on with life in a way where I actually move myself and grow, or accumulate habits which break down my walls of judgment and resistance so that I can do anything to the best of my ability, without getting in my own way..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge 'working' as hard, difficult and strenuous.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'hard,' 'difficult,' and 'strenuous' as words with a 'negative' connotation, which I react to in resistance and the physical feeling of tiredness.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the words 'hard,' 'difficult,' and 'strenuous' within the physical manifestation of resistance and tiredness when I am aware that if I were enjoying the task it would not feel that way, therefor I am aware that it is my judgment of the tasks that is causing my reaction and that it is not actually real.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'hard' 'difficult' and 'strenuous' exist as separate manifestations from any other time I move myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold the belief of these words along with my physical reactions to them and apply that combination to my job, thus rendering it an un-enjoyable experience which I create for myself.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to correlate 'work' to 'hard'.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that work must be 'boring.'
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my experience of work as 'boring.'
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  define myself within those moments as 'boring' or 'bored'.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belive that 'boring' and 'bored' exist.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to correlate work with useless, pointless and a waste of my time.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by the job I do instead of who I am within doing the job.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as 'useless,' 'pointless,'and 'a waste of my time.' I can be utilizing every moment to practice breathing, self-forgiveness and self-honesty as I face myself in every moment of breath. I exist Here in every moment as breath, and when I am in the reactions I experience myself as at work I am not Here, but am in my mind, experiencing my own delusional creation of reality instead of existing within the present moment.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remain present as breath when I go to work.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my reactions towards work in to the future as I get ready for work, thus setting myself up and ensuring I enslave myself to those reactions.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear working.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I wont be able to do a good job.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the social aspects of working.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing and confronting beings that I work with as myself.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being myself around those I work with.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am 'less than' if I can't do the job as well as others. I am new, and I am just learning.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to grow insecure about the work I do when I am new and just learning the job, instead of giving myself the time, patience and common sense to learn the job properly.
  I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give myself the time, patience and common sense to learn how to do a new job properly.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on the job I do and how I do it.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others in the work that I do.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that others are judging me and the work that I do.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike the authority of a boss.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel belittled by having a boss.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that another person can belittle me.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on my hierarchical standing at work.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel 'less-than' my boss because she has authority over me.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lack authority over myself.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent someone having authority over me.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent the fact that I don't have full authority over myself.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear authority.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own authority.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exercising authority over myself for fear of being self-responsible.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe authority makes someone more important than me. It is simply a title and position that is necessary for the efficient functioning of the staff.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel weak in the presence of authority.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty in the presence of authority.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel weak and guilty.
  I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to work to my fullest potential due to my manifested resistances and reactions to work, thus creating the feelings of weakness and guilt within myself. Weakness because I feel I cannot stand within work, and guilt because I know I am not doing the best job that I can do.    I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand within work, and   I forgive myself for not  accepting and allowing myself to do the best job that I can do.
I accept and allow myself to stand as myself as I work, facing myself within self-forgiveness and self-honesty in every breath, and I allow myself to do the best job that I am capable of, in any job I within which I chose to apply myself. 

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