Replacing Bi-Polar Tendencies With Stability

Today is my ‘get my shit back together’ day, which is cool. It’s when I ‘get back on track’ clean myself up, discipline my eating, clean up my work-space and get to work. This type of day is starting to feel familiar, and that’s great, except for two things that I am now making myself officially aware of.  Number one is that when I feel myself going ‘up’ like this I have the tendency to let it get too high, wherein I become out of control, and number two is the inevitable crash afterwards, so it’s a pattern. I can see that what led up to this type of day (my ‘get my shit back together’ day) was the opposite type of day. For the past 3 or 4 days I have felt heavy, sloppy, on the verge of being overwhelmed by life, and foul. I was pissed off at my sluggishness and my inability to move myself effectively. This pattern used to last months, and then weeks, and now mere days, so I can see the compression as I’m being spiralled into facing myself head on. I am ready. I even felt ready while I was going through it these past few days: telling myself to stand up from within it, to direct myself from within the sluggishness, the foulness, the overwhelming-ness... and I did, the ‘low’ still felt really low, but I managed to get some stuff done and move myself despite the way I felt inside. Wherein I used to fall completely into the overwhelming-ness, I now simply teeter on the edge of it, realizing it has been my choice to ‘go there’ all along. I’m not helpless in this regard, I do not have to go there at all. I’ve been working on this pattern and as I continue to do so one thing becomes more and more clear with regards to bringing myself into these crashes: there’s no point in going there. It is unnecessary self-imposed hardships that result from the self-allowance of participation in energetic polarities.

Presently:  I see that I bounce back and forth  between these two extremes. At once I feel completely in control and on top of everything, and then I’m like a teenager again- angry and irresponsible. Presently I see myself about to go up. I keep in mind that when I’m on the upswing I tend to go too high, thinking and believing that I’ve finally done it- changed myself and now everything is going to be good and I’m in total control. And then I over-do it. I start many projects and I try to get everything done, but what happens is- it never ends. I can’t stay up in that high for an extended amount of time, so I’m going to come down, and that ‘coming down’ will be proportional to how high I let myself get.

Self-Correction:  When I am on that upswing, I remind myself that the goal isn’t to just ‘go with it’ and feed it and become all super-human, because it won’t last. When I feel myself going ‘up’ I breathe through the desire to feed it and go with it because that is an addiction to a bi-polar pattern that I will direct myself to replace with stability. Within understanding myself in this regard, I see this pattern and I direct myself to apply self-will and self-directive principle to remain in common sense and practical application instead of entering into a mind possession high wherein I set myself up for a proportional fall. Common sense and practical application here refers to taking one thing at a time and doing it properly. Not starting many things thus setting myself up to burn out. It’s cool that I’m back from my previous fall, but I need to be stable now and realize that today is just one day, I don’t need to get everything done, just the things that make the most sense. I can leave some stuff for tomorrow so that I slowly accumulate my self-directive principle and stability instead of feeding the tendencies of bi-polar disorder.

Separating Yourself from- Yourself

Separation

                Each and every human being is a whole being, but we have separated ourselves within and as our minds. Self-judgment, projection, reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions are ways in which we separate ourselves by being both the observer and the observed. Through the act of separation we powerlessly observe ourselves operate throughout our lives, judging, reacting, projecting, thinking, feeling and emoting instead of doing and being. Being and becoming the force that will change the world. Being the change itself.

                The point within realizing the separation within oneself is that as long as it exists, self will never be a complete whole; the observer can never be the observed. Only when one’s thoughts, words and deeds are aligned within oneness and equality, is one completely empowered to be a self-willed, self-directed individual who can stand up within any situation, and withstand any storm. But this alignment can only be achieved within oneness and equality, because you can’t have oneness without equality, and you can’t have equality without oneness, and you can’t have either within separation.

                The elimination of separation involves the bringing back together of self, by forgiving self for accepting and allowing any and all separation. To take yourself back and at the same time give you back to yourself, because separation is an abdication of self-responsibility by looking for sources outside of self to explain or validate one’s internal experiences instead of changing.

Self-judgment:

                With self-judgment, it is necessarily implied that there are two entities: the judge and the judged –a separation from one into two. This separation is obviously not physical; it takes place in the mind. That is where all separation takes place, in the mind.

                To judge oneself either positively or negatively is to create a belief about or a relationship with oneself that isn’t necessary. This relationship or belief will influence one’s behaviour as one lives out his or her day, or week, or month, or year, or whole life, which creates patterns and habits that prevent one from living self-honestly, moving self and being the self-directive principle that is the living statement of ‘who I am’, Here, as Life.

                If one’s thoughts. words and deeds are aligned with oneness and equality, then that will be the living statement of self, and within that, there is no separation, because it is one and equal, inside and out, therefore no possibility for self-judgment.

Reactions:

                Another realization that must be understood in order to understand the ways in which we separate ourselves is that nothing and nobody can ‘make you’ feel a certain way as your self-experience within yourself.  All reactions are caused or created by the individual within whom they occur. If they were caused by outside people or events then we would all react the same way to the same things. But instead, each being’s reaction is uniquely catered to their specific life experiences according to who they have accepted and allowed themselves to be and become.

                This is because when you react to a being you are actually reacting to that which you have separated yourself from within yourself. For example, if you react in jealousy of another’s appearance then you have separated yourself from your own self-acceptance of your physical body in some way within the belief that, for example, ‘only someone who is that fit, or that beautiful or that muscular is able to accept themselves, but not me’. Within this, you have reacted within jealousy because you have separated yourself from self-acceptance by projecting it on to fit/beautiful/muscular people outside of yourself.

                However, this separation has only taken place within the mind and at any moment you can forgive yourself and take back your self-acceptance so that you no longer react within jealousy to a certain type of person, so you can instead see them for the human being that they are, one and equal to yourself.              

Facing Life

Today I did not set an alarm to wake up because I am still feeling sick from my cold. When I got up I noticed the experience of too-much-ness which I have been experiencing over the past few months as overwhelmingness. During the summer I had been brought to tears from it several times, but now that I’ve listened to Bernard’s interview about this specific experience I understand it is the accumulation of attention towards a particular point. In my case I know that the points I had been working on were focus, self-discipline, time-management and of course, self-directive. These points have been extreme problems in my life in the form of avoiding them, evading them, so it’s a big shift for me to start incorporating them into my living application. I have had much resistance and physical discomfort as I have been working on these points, as well as emotional discomfort in the form of this overwhelming sensation wherein ‘it’s just all too much’. But I’ve gotten through that now and I am coming out on the other side of it with more determination and, as Bernard mentioned, a new perspective or point of view on this experience, and on what leads up to it and how it plays out for me.

My new perspective on this is that I now look at life, or my current experience in terms of the bigger picture. I noticed throughout this that I would normally tend to focus on all the tiny details and obsess over them and I tend to miss the bigger pattern or the bigger goal of what it is that I’m doing.

Within this, when I feel myself being pulled into the experience of being overwhelmed I stop myself immediately by concentrating on my breath and becoming aware of my physical body until my heart starts beating normally. This calms me down, whereas before I would, in a way ‘go with it’ and everything would seem to be happening very fast and I would feel that I couldn’t keep up. I would try to do everything right away and would always end up at the same spot: exhausted, usually sick, tired and feeling like I can’t do it. Feeling like I can’t keep up and I want to give up and I start letting things go and start falling behind etc... This pattern explains the tendency to start projects really strongly and then fizzle out toward the end, and then go into some sort of death throws just to survive and complete the task- whether it be school or a job or whatever. It’s really a very unpleasant experience and therefore I’m determined to correct it so I can stop beating myself up and no longer abuse myself in this way anymore.

Also within all this is the realization that I can only effectively accumulate myself, my self-will, self-discipline, self-directive principle (which will lead to better focus, better time management, and better self-movement) slowly over time. I can’t exert all my energy and completely wipe myself out and expect myself to gain any kind of effective self-support and self-trust this way. It’s more like self-sabotage.so I realize that to take it easy on myself is not to be lazy, but to first of all not let myself go into an experience of anxiety, stress and overwhelmingness, but to instead ‘check myself’ in breath. When I do this I calm down to a point of clarity wherein I can ask myself ‘what do I really need to do right now’ and then ‘am I capable of doing this effectively’ meaning, doing it with my all, complete focus and stability. If not, then I need to take care of myself like sit down and breathe or eat or drink something or simply stop and change environments and do something else.

Secondly, when I do decide within calmness and clarity, to do something, I commit to doing it fully. Today I experienced resistance to this type of situation in class. I have decided to take fewer longer classes instead of many short classes. This means paying attention and keeping my focus for 2 and a half hours at a time. This is very difficult for me and I experience the physical resistance to it as physical discomfort and I also become easily distracted.

The pattern I’m breaking here is the desire to get lost in my own ‘little world’ in my head, which I used to do every day in class since I was very young. I would draw or play in my desk. Now I listen, try to understand and try to take good notes. But it’s still hard at the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel seduced by the desire to escape into my mind in class when I need to instead focus and remain present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become easily distracted instead of remaining present and aware for the complete duration of the class, so that I can understand the material, do well, and be effective in the system.

 I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to exercise the will power and self-discipline to keep myself ‘in line’ while I’m in class, and instead waste my time by doodling and fantasizing about things that I don’t even remember.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be seduced by my fantasies because they seem so interesting and so much more interesting than the lecture when in fact they are not that interesting but rather variations of the same old fantasies I’ve been having for years. They go nowhere, they’re good for nothing and they’re a waste of my time when I should be learning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the classroom experience as boring and unbearable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the classroom experience as boring and unbearable because I’m trying to escape taking responsibility for my own learning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the classroom experience as boring and unbearable because it hard. It’s hard to learn new things and it;s hard to discipline myself and stay focused and integrate new information into my understanding of myself and my world, and thus far I have been lazy, which is what has made it all ‘hard’.

In reality it’s not hard, it just is. There is no value judgment for me to place on my daily experience, only whether I am applying myself fully-or not. When I am applying myself I face resistances, which make the experience seem ‘hard’ simply because it’s not easy and comfortable to change oneself and one’s patterns, habits, addictions, beliefs and definition.

 So it’s not that any of this is hard, it’s just that it’s uncomfortable and new. And what I’ve learned thus far in my process is that I can just focus on my breath during and throughout that discomfort and it will fade. The energy will eventually run out and I will remain, I will return to stability in the end, and with my focus and determination and my application of breath, I can remain stable throughout the experience as well.

So I allow myself to remain dedicated to my process and myself by remaining focused and fully present throughout the duration of my classes.

I do not accept or allow myself to be seduced by my thoughts and fantasies and desire to doodle and escape pushing myself through willing myself to focus and remain present throughout my classes’ duration.

Also, a few pointers to myself on a side note-

I noticed that I become distracted and brought into an energetic experience of self judgement when I look at all the students and pedestrians in and around school, on public transportation and on the shuttle bus etc...

-          In this respect I will work on not reacting to all the many people around me and rather focus on the bigger picture: why am I here, what am I doing right now to achieve that goal? Am I being the most effective I can be while taking it easy on myself? Am I being self honest? What am I standing as as an example right now in this moment? And Am I present?

-         

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at other students and people and judge what they are wearing and compare myself to them in self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other people based on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as others based on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by placing value on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself in my mind of judgment when I look at people around me instead of remaining present as breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape facing myself as who I am as life by going into my mind by placing importance on the physical appearance of things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people’s motivations for what they choose to wear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my motivations for what I choose to wear to come from a starting point of fear of judgment or of self-interest instead of just dressing practically and comfortably.

I do not accept or allow myself to judge others based on what they are wearing.

I do not accept or allow myself to judge other based on my projected ideas of their motivations behind how they dress.

I do not accept and allow myself to dress myself in order to impress anybody or with the belief that I will be judged. The only judgment is self-judgment.

I accept and allow myself to move through the day without reacting in judgment to the people around me.

I accept and allow myself to experience myself within crowds without being influenced or moved by their presence.

I accept myself unconditionally within big groups, and I move myself according to what’s best for all, and not what’s best for me.

I accept and allow myself to remain present within the crowds of downtown, within awareness as breath, without reaction, just silence within as stillness as stability as life.

_________________________

Back in Montreal

Writing self out, self-honestly

I’m at the end of my first day ‘alone’ in Montreal. ‘Alone’ meaning without my husband, but really, I’m always alone. Things have gone pretty much as I expected, I have chosen today the comfort of the mind rather than facing myself again. Again and again and again as the pattern has been repeating. I’ve been telling myself I will end it here, alone in montreal, so now I am here and it’s time to face it, face myself. Right now I’m having trouble taking myself seriously as I write this, because I’ve put it off for so long the words no longer carry any weight. It’s like, I don’t care if I don’t face myself, I can’t do it anyways, and this is all going to play out exactly like last year.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I’m not able to take myself seriously.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I’m not able to take myself seriously because I haven’t proven it to myself yet that I can really change.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take myself seriously,

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take myself seriously because it’s a pattern that I’m used to and it’s easier and more comfortable to abdicate my self-responsibility by not taking myself seriously.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take myself seriously because over the years I have participated in relationships where I was not taken seriously, and I accepted and allowed it, and I perpetuates it by believing it to be who I am, therefore living it into my actions and words, instead of realizing myself as who I really am as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create relationships within which I am not taken seriously, because if I’m not taking myself seriously, I will train others to do the same.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself unconditionally, to value my voice and my presence in the world.

I allow myself to take myself seriously, knowing that this is a serious process and that the consequences of my not facing myself are serious.

I allow myself to take myself seriously because I’m worth being taken seriously because I have the value of life, and the only thing that can take that away from me is myself.

I allow myself to take myself seriously because I understand that only the mind is capable of not taking life seriously.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can’t do ‘this’, meaning, I can’t change my patterns, addictions habits and behaviours.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can’t change my patterns, addictions, habits and behaviours because I’ve never actually really tried before.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can’t change my patterns, addictions, habits and behaviours because I believe these things are bigger or more powerful than who I am as life, rather than realizing that I created these entities and am therefore equal and one with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can’t change my patterns, addictions, habits and behaviours because I fear the discomfort of facing myself as the mind.

I know that I can do this, and the belief that I can’t do this is only a belief in the mind. I stand equal and one to what I have created by accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility and instead participate in the mind. In terms of the discomfort- I know it goes away- the energy runs out, and I can stick to breath to get me through these walls, because I have to.

I accept and allow myself to realize that I can face and change my patterns, habits, addictions and behaviours, and when the thought pops up that I can’t, I stop, I breathe, I confront the discomfort and breathe through it until it is gone, and I accumulate myself as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that this is all going to play out like last year.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ensure this is all going to play out like last year by thinking it, I stop this immediately and realize that the future is not written, it is up to me to direct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that this is all going to play out like last year because I will not accept or allow that to happen, I am the directive principle of my life and I am learning more and more every day. It is becoming less and less easy to fool myself and there is very little standing in between me and my self-directive principle.

I allow myself to change myself one breath at a time so that I slowly accumulate the change I will to see in myself so that I can stand as that change within the world, equal and one with what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy because I have programmed myself over time to be lazy and avoid responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility by choosing laziness over directive principle because it’s easier and more comfortable to be lazy, and its hard and uncomfortable to move myself according to my principles because doing so involves breaking old patterns as addictions to what I have accepted and allowed within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose laziness because I have defined it as a more enjoyable experience to experience and is done only in self-interest wherein I am considering only myself and my immediate experience and comfort rather than moving myself in every moment to be self-honest and to do what’s best for all.

I do not accept or allow laziness, apathy or ignorance to exist within and as me. I do not allow experiential living to take priority in my life. I do not allow myself to use excuses, justifications, denial and beliefs to choose laziness, apathy, ignorance or experiential living over my self-directive principle.

I move myself in every moment and I remain Here in breath.

Separation Causing Self-Judgment

When I look back to the time in my life where I felt the most ‘insecure,’ I realize that what I experienced within and as myself was a complete devaluation of self. I attempted to understand my experience within myself by comparing myself to those around me, leaving me feeling isolated, alone and without an innate sense of value or worth. I experienced this comparison as: everyone seeming happy, certain, confident and sure of their place, while I felt confused, different, scared, confused and helpless to change. I was desperately looking for myself, my sense of wholeness, and during and throughout that search I ended up separating myself further, losing myself further in an attempt to be like others and experience myself as others project their experience of themselves. Now I see it’s quite possible that I projected the same confidence and certainty, happiness and security within this separation, as I attempted to hide my perceived vulnerability. Within this false projection of self I supressed all negative experiences of myself, not taking responsibility for them but instead fearing them, hiding them deep within myself in the hopes that they would just go away and disappear. Instead they compounded and manifested, while who I really am became deserted and neglected. This experience manifested itself through recurring dreams wherein I would happen upon a dying animal which I had been responsible for in some forgotten place in a house, usually the basement. I would find it-usually a hamster or fish or gerbil- an actual animal that I had had as a pet- and it would be in some filthy cage with no food or water. Upon seeing it I would suddenly remember that I was supposed to have fed and cared for it, but had completely forgotten about it, and I would feel overwhelmed with guilt and dread at what I had done. I always knew, even as a teenager, that that animal was me, but I never understood how to care for and nurture self, or how to stop (self-forgive) the self-neglect and resultant self-disgust, guilt and dread.

Guilt, dread and disgust are words which resonate within me when considering what I have accepted and allowed myself to do unto myself through my participation in the mind as self-dishonesty, suppression and separation of self (thus neglecting and deserting my true self as who I really am as life). Now I fear facing what I have done unto myself. I fear the dread, the guilt and self-hate, disgust and resentment that I must face within and as myself, as it is entirely self-created and designed and lived out over the years by myself as the mind. I have no one to blame and nowhere left to run. I am entirely responsible for my experience of myself and only I can forgive myself and direct myself through it.

But what I realize now is that I am ready and willing to forgive myself for it, for all of it, thus humbling myself completely in the face of myself. Such an act of grace, of actual unconditional love and kindness that I am willing to give myself as a gift of self back to self is something I have never experienced nor ever thought possible. I thought only Christ himself or some divine being would be capable or such compassion, power and mercy, and in the face of this I feel unworthy as everything I have done unto myself comes back to haunt me to my very core. But as I am both forgiver and forgiven, I allow myself to stand within this separation of self-judgment in all its many forms so that I may stop this repeating cycle and forgive myself for it and release myself from it, once and for all, so that I can find myself whole again and stand one and equal to all that is here. But the first step can only be forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have lost myself by searching for myself, my wholeness, my completeness, my self-worth and my peace of mind, outside of myself, within participation in the mind through continuously chasing illusions and shadows, instead of stopping myself in each moment to realize that I am Here already, and that in this endless search and chase for myself I have further separated myself from myself as who I really am as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have supressed myself, and to continue to supress myself within the belief that Who I Am cannot already be existent within myself, because of the belief that all that is existent within myself is fear, dread, guilt, self-disgust, neglect and desertion. And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Who I Really Am As Life and can only be sought outside myself, within experiences of myself as the mind, and within and through the validation of others, instead of realizing that Who I Really Am As Life is what is in fact within me, and the fear, dread, guilt, self-disgust, neglect and desertion are only beliefs of the mind, and are in fact not real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the fear, dread, guilt, self-disgust, neglect and desertion that I experienced within myself real by participating in them and believing them to be real, believing them to be who I am, thus living them into my reality, instead of forgiving myself and releasing myself from them in order to discover who I really am beneath all the layers of beliefs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear, dread, guilt, self-disgust, neglect and desertion to exist within and as me, as a result of my outward searching for my inward self, creating the separation that make these experiences possible. And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe these experiences of myself to be real, and to be who I am as I have, within the belief of their real-ness, defined myself according to them, as them, instead of seeing and realizing that these feelings are self-created experiences of the mind which I have accepted and allowed within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within and as fear, dread, guilt, self-disgust, neglect and desertion in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own self-created fear, dread, guilt, self-disgust, neglect and desertion, thus actually becoming them as my inner experience of self, instead of realizing myself as breath, as Life, with the ability to direct myself, to take responsibility for my experience of self in every moment ,Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continuously attempt to escape my inner experience of myself through suppression, neglect and desertion of myself while I chase manifested external experiences to try to justify and validate myself as ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am my ego, and within that belief to attempt to satisfy that insatiable ego through the manipulation and abuse of myself and others in my world, particularly in this case, through the manipulation of men and the absolute betrayal of self I experienced within this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that in order for me to experience myself as happy, confident, certain and ‘sure of my place in the world’ is by having males desire me in order to make me feel important and special, because of the experience of myself beginning at the age of about 12 years old, wherein I developed the belief that  ‘other girls are happy, confident, certain and sure of their place in the world because boys like them, making them special and more important’.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my interpretation of external events were actually entirely due to my inner experience of incompleteness (feeling un-whole, un-special, un-important within myself), causing me to seek to fulfil and complete my ego as the mind, thus interpreting events within and as the mind instead of as Myself as Life, wherein I did not see what was really going on, but rather only a reflection of myself and my accumulated beliefs and self-definitions causing further separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to my own interpretation of external events which caused separation and self-judgment, which caused jealousy, hate and resentment within me which I projected on to other beings in my world, viewing them as greater than me, leaving me feeling devalued, worthless, less-than, unimportant and un-special within myself, instead of realizing that I am a whole, complete being who is Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others need to treat me a certain way in order for me to feel better, meaning, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-responsibility on to others by depending on them to ‘fix’ my inner experience of myself by ‘making it better for me’ within the belief that I am powerless to change myself for myself.

I accept and allow myself to see and realize that I have all the power and directive principle I will ever need within me already to change myself and to be my own self-directive principle.

I accept and allow myself to see and realize that all of the negative emotions and inner experiences of myself are only ever of the mind and always have been, and I accept and allow myself to see and realize that I am willing to unconditionally forgive myself for all I have ever accepted and allowed myself to be and become, so that I may change and realize myself as Life, Here.

I accept and allow myself to see and realize that the positive emotions and positive inner experiences of myself are only polarity energetic charges within me, manifesting their polar opposites, and I do not accept or allow myself to participate in either end of the energetic polarity within my mind whatsoever.

I accept and allow myself to see and realize myself as breath, as Life, with the ability to direct myself, to take responsibility for my experience of self in every moment, Here.

I accept and allow myself to see and realize that I am a complete and whole being who is (and always has been) Here.

Resentment and Hate

Victor: ''In relation to this self-forgiveness line: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my impact on others.

How is it that you fear impacting upon others? What is that you fear your impact will create in others, or in your world? Do you feel like you can impact others in a good way, but also in a bad way? And in that case, do you fear impacing others in a bad way? And what does it mean to be bad then?

Some questions that might help you to further open your self-forgiveness''

Thanks Victor. I will explore this.

The first biggie that's really revealing to me is the fact that I fear others will resent me if I demand sef-responsibility from them, so I hardly ever do it. I just let things go and grow frustrted that nobody in my world, not one person, is self-responsible. So when I flip that around and bring it back to myself I can see thay I fear resenting myself, or I resent myself for not taking self-responsibiility, and therefore I 'let things go', and let myself get away with things like habbits and patterns and participation in the mind.

When I first got married I was 23, and I had never really had any responsibilities in life. The ones I did have, like shool, I quit, I just gave up on things or avoided things that were 'too much work' or 'too hard', 'too diffficult' for me to handle. My husband did not accept this behaviour and placed expectations on me that I was not used to, and he made me accountable for my actions whereas I was used to always being let off the hook by myself and others. For this I felt at times extreme resentment and hatred towards him (hell hath no fury as a woman scorned), but as time passed I began to respect him.

But the resentment and hatred I felt for him when he would call me out on something or make me be responsible for something is what I fear others feeling towards me. Especially because it was also in my personality to depend on being liked by everyone.
But now it's time to make myself accountable, self-responsible, and to call myself out on the things I had been letting slip by. And so this entails dealing with my own resentment and hatred, which is the resentment and hatred of my mind as I change from within it, thus threatening its very existance and survival.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the resentment and hatred I create, as a mind, in response to being held accountable and self-responsible, on to those closest to me in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on those closest to me to be responsible for me, as if I were a child still dependant on its mother, instead of growing up within mysef and taking self-responsibility and accountability for myself, and so I forgive myself for accepting and alllowing myself to then participate in the emotions of resentment and hatred towards those people when they do in fact hold me responsible or accountable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anybody but myself can hold me accountible or 'make' me self-responsible, only I can direct me in every breath, as only I know when I am being self-dishonest or abdicating my self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid pushing myself to take self-responsibility because of fear the resentment and hate that I know my mind is capable of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear hating and resenting myself because I don't take respnsibility in every moment.

Here what is interesting to me is the fact that if I take responsibility I will hate and resent myself for making myself do such a difficult thing, but if I don't take responsibility I will hate and resent myself for not pushing myself. The reason is because taking self-responsibility is being Here as Life, and not in the mind living out time loops and energy-creating polarity, therefor, the resentments and hatred my own mind manifests within me is due to the fact that I am essentially eradicating my mind and my egoic delusions that I have been living as. Persuing this despite these 'bad' or 'negative' feelings will eventually lead to self-respect and self-trust, stability etc... Whereas NOT pushing myself to take self-responsibility leads me to project my resentment and hatred on to others in my world, beause an irresposnible person needs to be taken care of, and others will eventually make some demands because it is impossible to entirely take care of another being without them taking some kind of responsibility for themselves.

Also, not taking responsibility leads to self-judgment, self-loathing, resentment and hatred within me because I now know better, so when I don't take responsibility it is a choice to not live and to give up on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing hate and resentment to exist within and as me, these are emotions I am capable of and I take responsibility for, they are not Life, they are not of oneness and equality, they are manifestations of the mind which I do not allow myself to participate within and as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach resentment and hate to whatever it is that is pushing me to give up my addiction to energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the emotions of resentment and hate are not real, but rather only withdrawl 'symptoms' or reactions to my cessation of the constant feeding of energy within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear experiencing what my mind is capable of, threrfore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own mind, my own creation.

If I fear my own creation I am essentially making it bigger than who I really am, giving it power over me, abdicating myself to it, allowing it to live thus enslaving myself to it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my resentment and frustration on to my husband instead of taking responsibility for it, thus separating myself from it, allwoing it to grow as if I had no control over it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my husband as a point of release and self-abdication within separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my husband as a point of blame and thus as an excuse for me to not move and direct myself within my own life and process.

I accept and allow myself to live without fearing taking self-responsibility.

I accept and allow myself to apply myself within my own process, stating clearly and publicly what I will and will not stand for, desptie whatever reactions might come up from others.

I allow myself to take full self-resonsibility for myself, and to remain accountible to myself within the understanding that each is in their own process and only I can influence me.

I am Here. I Stand. I breathe.

Some of my Self-Forgiveness on past experiences I'm in the proess of walking backwards and unraveling:

Some of my SF on past experiences I'm in the proess of walking backwards and unraveling:

forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become ‘infatuated’ with a male, in the belief that ‘getting him to want me’ will make me feel wanted or desired.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that feeling wanted or desired will fill a void within me that I myself have created through the separation of myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have separated myself in so many ways that I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself within the systems of my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can be lost, when I am in fact here all along.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am whole, and I am here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that to want or desire the opposite sex is normal, or is to be normal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I felt want and desire for the opposite sex when I really wanted to feel wanted and desired myself, and felt nothing for them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate the opposite sex in order to appease my need to feel wanted and desired.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to want and desire myself, or to want and desire to share myself with another as an equal, within self-honesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear sharing myself as an equal, within self-honesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being worth equality with others as life.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself as ‘good enough’ for life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own power.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my impact on others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit and suppress myself due to my fear of my impact on others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself sexually to men in order to use them and allowing them to use me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my sexuality to abuse myself and others because I felt I was not worth anything more than something to fuck because I had separated myself to the extent of having the perception of nothing of ‘who I am’ left to value.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view myself as only good for a fuck.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I deserved to be hurt because I’m only good for a fuck.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I deserved to be hurt, or somehow asked for it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear sticking up for myself after I was hurt.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing abusive behavior to be inflicted upon myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing another to abuse me physically and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abused him through manipulation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate and scripted my own abuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belittle myself, making myself less than because I felt I deserved to be abused.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for having scripted my own abuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel self-disgust for having scripted my own abuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for what I allowed to happen unto me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go silent in the face of abuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go silent in the face of abuse because I gave someone power over me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go silent in the face of abuse because I gave someone power over me because I did not believe I had any power over myself.