Back in Montreal

Writing self out, self-honestly

I’m at the end of my first day ‘alone’ in Montreal. ‘Alone’ meaning without my husband, but really, I’m always alone. Things have gone pretty much as I expected, I have chosen today the comfort of the mind rather than facing myself again. Again and again and again as the pattern has been repeating. I’ve been telling myself I will end it here, alone in montreal, so now I am here and it’s time to face it, face myself. Right now I’m having trouble taking myself seriously as I write this, because I’ve put it off for so long the words no longer carry any weight. It’s like, I don’t care if I don’t face myself, I can’t do it anyways, and this is all going to play out exactly like last year.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I’m not able to take myself seriously.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I’m not able to take myself seriously because I haven’t proven it to myself yet that I can really change.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take myself seriously,

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take myself seriously because it’s a pattern that I’m used to and it’s easier and more comfortable to abdicate my self-responsibility by not taking myself seriously.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take myself seriously because over the years I have participated in relationships where I was not taken seriously, and I accepted and allowed it, and I perpetuates it by believing it to be who I am, therefore living it into my actions and words, instead of realizing myself as who I really am as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create relationships within which I am not taken seriously, because if I’m not taking myself seriously, I will train others to do the same.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself unconditionally, to value my voice and my presence in the world.

I allow myself to take myself seriously, knowing that this is a serious process and that the consequences of my not facing myself are serious.

I allow myself to take myself seriously because I’m worth being taken seriously because I have the value of life, and the only thing that can take that away from me is myself.

I allow myself to take myself seriously because I understand that only the mind is capable of not taking life seriously.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can’t do ‘this’, meaning, I can’t change my patterns, addictions habits and behaviours.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can’t change my patterns, addictions, habits and behaviours because I’ve never actually really tried before.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can’t change my patterns, addictions, habits and behaviours because I believe these things are bigger or more powerful than who I am as life, rather than realizing that I created these entities and am therefore equal and one with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can’t change my patterns, addictions, habits and behaviours because I fear the discomfort of facing myself as the mind.

I know that I can do this, and the belief that I can’t do this is only a belief in the mind. I stand equal and one to what I have created by accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility and instead participate in the mind. In terms of the discomfort- I know it goes away- the energy runs out, and I can stick to breath to get me through these walls, because I have to.

I accept and allow myself to realize that I can face and change my patterns, habits, addictions and behaviours, and when the thought pops up that I can’t, I stop, I breathe, I confront the discomfort and breathe through it until it is gone, and I accumulate myself as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that this is all going to play out like last year.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ensure this is all going to play out like last year by thinking it, I stop this immediately and realize that the future is not written, it is up to me to direct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that this is all going to play out like last year because I will not accept or allow that to happen, I am the directive principle of my life and I am learning more and more every day. It is becoming less and less easy to fool myself and there is very little standing in between me and my self-directive principle.

I allow myself to change myself one breath at a time so that I slowly accumulate the change I will to see in myself so that I can stand as that change within the world, equal and one with what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy because I have programmed myself over time to be lazy and avoid responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility by choosing laziness over directive principle because it’s easier and more comfortable to be lazy, and its hard and uncomfortable to move myself according to my principles because doing so involves breaking old patterns as addictions to what I have accepted and allowed within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose laziness because I have defined it as a more enjoyable experience to experience and is done only in self-interest wherein I am considering only myself and my immediate experience and comfort rather than moving myself in every moment to be self-honest and to do what’s best for all.

I do not accept or allow laziness, apathy or ignorance to exist within and as me. I do not allow experiential living to take priority in my life. I do not allow myself to use excuses, justifications, denial and beliefs to choose laziness, apathy, ignorance or experiential living over my self-directive principle.

I move myself in every moment and I remain Here in breath.

Self-Forgiveness on facing Myself Here, Now

Ok, so, here I am, sitting in my house, at my computer, where I’ve sat a million times and fallen in the face of who I am in this position. This position meaning, as a focused and disciplined individual who is about to start working on a very big assignment by simply sitting down, organizing and beginning to write. Already I feel overwhelmed, I’m miles ahead of myself thinking about failure, not being able to get it together, thinking about it bringing down my GPA, affecting my whole career as a student if I don’t ace this assignment.

I’ve been in this position many times in my life, and have always envied those who can just simply do it. Up to this point, I have not been able to. I don’t know if it has a name, ADD or OCD or XYZ, but it’s here with me. Big time. I can feel it as tightness in my throat, a feeling of withdrawal as if from a drug, a strong urge to get up out of this chair and go anywhere, do anything but this, a desire to pick at my skin and eat sugar and smoke or eat anything. And that’s what I’ve been doing, bouncing back and forth like a mad woman, in the chair-out of the chair- eating sugar- smoking like a chimney –picking at my skin – looking in the cupboards for a snack – freaking out about everything… But today is the day, and this is the breath. I’m here today with no cigarettes, no car, no food, just me and my imagined ‘unbelievable overwhelming project’ that needs to get done in order for me to have time to do all the other things I have to do in my life. I need o face this and to walk through it now. No more excuses.

So, here we go, the keys are my Key:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest resistances to siting down and focusing myself because of the self-created patterns of ‘giving in’ existent in me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect physical resistances to sitting down and focusing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect sitting down and focusing on a project to the word ‘hard’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sitting down and focusing myself within the word ‘hard’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from sitting down and focusing myself, and from the word ‘hard’, by defining focusing myself within the word ‘hard’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect sitting down and focusing myself to the word ‘overwhelming’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sitting down and focusing myself within the word ‘overwhelming’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from sitting down and focusing myself, and from the word ‘overwhelming’ by defining sitting down and focusing myself within the word ‘hard’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing resistances to sitting down and focusing myself to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am less-than the mind, and breathing this belief to life by giving in to the mind and all the physical reactions that go with it when it comes to focusing myself in a concentrated way on a task that needs to get done that I don’t necessarily want to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by what I want and don’t want rather than being directed by the principle of doing what’s best for all in all ways.

Hard:

Dictionary definition: Difficult to do, difficult to understand or explain, difficult to endure, harsh, severe, stern.

My allocation: focusing, concentration, low-stimulation, effort, slow accumulation, not wanting to…

New definition:

Here ARe my Demons

When something is ‘hard’ for me to do it is because I am in the process of facing my self-created and pre-programmed system demons, habits and patterns. When something is hard it indicates to me that it’s time to get hardy, to withstand and push through what I have accepted and allowed within myself. to ensure I don’t take the comfortable road or easy way out of excuses and distractions in the form of cigarettes, picking candy and food and other distractions I may think of.  

When something is hard it’s time for me to step up, stick to the principle of oneness and equality for all that is Here with me. It’s time to become one and equal to my demons, so that I can be in a position where I stand stable and do not accept or allow myself to be influenced by the internal experiences that are created by my mind.

Overwhelming (overwhelm):

Dictionary definition: to pour down and bury beneath, to crush, overpower.

My allocation: the inability to move myself, tightness, walls, confusion and lack of clarity.

The word sounds like: OVER the W(h)EaLth of Matter

To become overwhelmed is to place one’s mind’s creations over the wealth of matter, as if one’s thoughts in the forms of worries, stresses and fears were ‘more-than’ what’s Here as the physical, as matter.

When I become overwhelmed I remember that everything is right Here, all of me is Here in matter, and only my mind can project into the future, causing me to feel overwhelmed. Only my mind can overwhelm me with thoughts that ‘it’s too much’ and ‘I can’t possibly do it all’.

Nothing is more than what’s here as matter, as the physical, only in our minds is something greater than us.

I stand stable here, one and equal to what’s here, and place nothing over the wealth of matter, that is the only place there is real wealth.

When I sit at my desk, I stop, I breathe, and I take my task one step at a time, until it’s done, because that is the only way it can be done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘give in’ thus in a sense giving up on myself.

I do not accept or allow myself to give up on myself, no matter how small or insignificant the ‘battle’ may seem, the accumulative effect will determine me in the end as I accumulate either a million small victories or a million defeats. I choose perseverance, I choose to accumulate myself as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive facing myself as a battle, Living does not entail battles or fighting, remaining stable doesn’t require conflict. I breathe Here, within stability through all the imagined battles in my mind.

I do not accept or allow myself to participate in the battles in my mind, or self against self. I am Here, complete and whole. There is no conflict within oneness and equality, only in the mind.