Facing Resistances Within Self-Movement

Jan 18^th 2012

Today I felt very frustrated in the morning. The thoughts that were coming up connected to the frustration were that

1)      I never have enough time to do anything

2)      I’m always in a rush

3)      I’m so busy I wish I could just have a break and relax

4)      It’s just too much, I just can’t handle it.

The first two thoughts definitely go together, and are a result of the fact that I’m still working on self-movement. I have extreme physical reactions to moving myself, it’s like, these great resistances and there’s anxiety in there because I become overwhelmed, I have been getting overwhelmed more easily recently and as I write this the thought came up that last semester ‘did me in’, and ‘I never really got a break’, it’s just been go go go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I never have time to do anything, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I’m always in a rush.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought I never have time to do anything to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought that I’m always in a rush to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional energetic charge of ‘hurried’ stress and anxiety to the thoughts that I never have enough time to do anything and I’m always in a rush, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become influenced by the ‘hurried’ stress and anxiety energy by participating within and as it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the mind by reacting within emotional energetic experiences to thoughts, thus allowing the thoughts to influence and have control over me instead of me directing myself Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in my thoughts instead of remaining present and aware, in breathe, wherein I realize that I am the directive principle and  will push me to move myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust me, that I will move me. I will move me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the resistances I feel when I move me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe those resistances are ‘real’, or that they are indicating that something is ‘wrong’ and I shouldn’t be doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that something, such as self-movement, ‘should’ feel ‘good’ or ‘right’, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I need pleasant emotional experiences to be able to move myself.

I see/realize/understand that self-movement is not moving me with energy, which is what I’m used to. There is no force or motivation other than me and sheer will. I understand I have become addicted to and dependant on energy to move me throughout my day, and as I move myself instead as the directive principle of me it will be different.

I do not accept or allow myself to be addicted to or dependant on energy to move me through my day.

I do not accept or allow myself to become discouraged because I have defined self-movement as ‘hard,’ ‘tough’ or ‘difficult’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define self-movement as ‘hard’, ‘tough,’ and ‘difficult’ because it is new to me and I am not used to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy, and to believe laziness is ‘nice’ ‘comfortable’ and ‘easy’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing myself by being lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-responsibility to laziness, by being lazy and stubborn and unwilling to budge from comfortable habits.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that comfort is ‘good’ and should be sought out, at least not this kind of comfort- which is the stagnant kind that I use to not face me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use comfort to avoid facing me.

I allow myself to face myself within facing these resistances I’m having towards self-movement.

I allow myself to become one with these resistances so that I can change myself as them.

I allow myself to be the strength, determination, commitment, assertiveness, patience and will to walk through these resistances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive these resistances are bigger than me.

I see/realize and understand that I created these resistances and I am completely capable, able and willing to take responsibility for them, and walk them until I am changed as them, until I move me here while nothing moves inside me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the energetic experience of frustrated instead of breathing Here.

I realize that when I am present I get more done effectively and when I am frustrated I make more mistakes and do things improperly or forget details, which just adds to/feeds the feeling of frustration wherein it’s almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the energetic experience of ‘frustration’ to the thought ‘I never have enough time to do anything’ and ‘I am always rushed.’

I allow myself to be and become ‘enough time;’ by being Here, in the moment, and I allow myself be presence and awareness of breath as I walk through the resistances I face as I face me and the totality of what I have created through my acceptances and allowances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the energetic experience of frustration and then look for ways to feed it, small things that I can manipulate into ‘frustrating’ which normally would not be so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself by turning small things into ‘frustration; in order to feed and confirm my energetic experience, thus confirming to me as my mind that these experiences are real, or that they are valid, when in fact they are merely taking me away from now operating wholly.]

I do not allow myself to be fooled by the mind and by the self-manipulation techniques I use to feed my energetic experiences of myself.

I do not allow myself to manipulate me.

I allow myself the strength, self-will and self-determination as well as patience and commitment to ‘call myself out’, breathe, and bring myself back here when I feel/realize that I ‘m participating within an energetic experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I need a break to relax instead of realizing that this type of ‘break’ is a backdoor to cave in to resistances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed backdoors to continue to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the mind-polarity of work/break, I am fully aware of when I am using a break as an escape, a chance to be lazy instead of facing myself.

I realize that taking a break after I have worked hard and ‘given it my all’ is understandable, and it is a time that I can rest with the physical, but otherwise I am using it as an excuse to avoid walking my resistances.

I allow myself to be the strength, discipline and self-will required to stop myself when I believe I need a break, to breathe and to push myself through, so that I can see what will happen as I move me.

Facing Life

Today I did not set an alarm to wake up because I am still feeling sick from my cold. When I got up I noticed the experience of too-much-ness which I have been experiencing over the past few months as overwhelmingness. During the summer I had been brought to tears from it several times, but now that I’ve listened to Bernard’s interview about this specific experience I understand it is the accumulation of attention towards a particular point. In my case I know that the points I had been working on were focus, self-discipline, time-management and of course, self-directive. These points have been extreme problems in my life in the form of avoiding them, evading them, so it’s a big shift for me to start incorporating them into my living application. I have had much resistance and physical discomfort as I have been working on these points, as well as emotional discomfort in the form of this overwhelming sensation wherein ‘it’s just all too much’. But I’ve gotten through that now and I am coming out on the other side of it with more determination and, as Bernard mentioned, a new perspective or point of view on this experience, and on what leads up to it and how it plays out for me.

My new perspective on this is that I now look at life, or my current experience in terms of the bigger picture. I noticed throughout this that I would normally tend to focus on all the tiny details and obsess over them and I tend to miss the bigger pattern or the bigger goal of what it is that I’m doing.

Within this, when I feel myself being pulled into the experience of being overwhelmed I stop myself immediately by concentrating on my breath and becoming aware of my physical body until my heart starts beating normally. This calms me down, whereas before I would, in a way ‘go with it’ and everything would seem to be happening very fast and I would feel that I couldn’t keep up. I would try to do everything right away and would always end up at the same spot: exhausted, usually sick, tired and feeling like I can’t do it. Feeling like I can’t keep up and I want to give up and I start letting things go and start falling behind etc... This pattern explains the tendency to start projects really strongly and then fizzle out toward the end, and then go into some sort of death throws just to survive and complete the task- whether it be school or a job or whatever. It’s really a very unpleasant experience and therefore I’m determined to correct it so I can stop beating myself up and no longer abuse myself in this way anymore.

Also within all this is the realization that I can only effectively accumulate myself, my self-will, self-discipline, self-directive principle (which will lead to better focus, better time management, and better self-movement) slowly over time. I can’t exert all my energy and completely wipe myself out and expect myself to gain any kind of effective self-support and self-trust this way. It’s more like self-sabotage.so I realize that to take it easy on myself is not to be lazy, but to first of all not let myself go into an experience of anxiety, stress and overwhelmingness, but to instead ‘check myself’ in breath. When I do this I calm down to a point of clarity wherein I can ask myself ‘what do I really need to do right now’ and then ‘am I capable of doing this effectively’ meaning, doing it with my all, complete focus and stability. If not, then I need to take care of myself like sit down and breathe or eat or drink something or simply stop and change environments and do something else.

Secondly, when I do decide within calmness and clarity, to do something, I commit to doing it fully. Today I experienced resistance to this type of situation in class. I have decided to take fewer longer classes instead of many short classes. This means paying attention and keeping my focus for 2 and a half hours at a time. This is very difficult for me and I experience the physical resistance to it as physical discomfort and I also become easily distracted.

The pattern I’m breaking here is the desire to get lost in my own ‘little world’ in my head, which I used to do every day in class since I was very young. I would draw or play in my desk. Now I listen, try to understand and try to take good notes. But it’s still hard at the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel seduced by the desire to escape into my mind in class when I need to instead focus and remain present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become easily distracted instead of remaining present and aware for the complete duration of the class, so that I can understand the material, do well, and be effective in the system.

 I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to exercise the will power and self-discipline to keep myself ‘in line’ while I’m in class, and instead waste my time by doodling and fantasizing about things that I don’t even remember.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be seduced by my fantasies because they seem so interesting and so much more interesting than the lecture when in fact they are not that interesting but rather variations of the same old fantasies I’ve been having for years. They go nowhere, they’re good for nothing and they’re a waste of my time when I should be learning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the classroom experience as boring and unbearable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the classroom experience as boring and unbearable because I’m trying to escape taking responsibility for my own learning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the classroom experience as boring and unbearable because it hard. It’s hard to learn new things and it;s hard to discipline myself and stay focused and integrate new information into my understanding of myself and my world, and thus far I have been lazy, which is what has made it all ‘hard’.

In reality it’s not hard, it just is. There is no value judgment for me to place on my daily experience, only whether I am applying myself fully-or not. When I am applying myself I face resistances, which make the experience seem ‘hard’ simply because it’s not easy and comfortable to change oneself and one’s patterns, habits, addictions, beliefs and definition.

 So it’s not that any of this is hard, it’s just that it’s uncomfortable and new. And what I’ve learned thus far in my process is that I can just focus on my breath during and throughout that discomfort and it will fade. The energy will eventually run out and I will remain, I will return to stability in the end, and with my focus and determination and my application of breath, I can remain stable throughout the experience as well.

So I allow myself to remain dedicated to my process and myself by remaining focused and fully present throughout the duration of my classes.

I do not accept or allow myself to be seduced by my thoughts and fantasies and desire to doodle and escape pushing myself through willing myself to focus and remain present throughout my classes’ duration.

Also, a few pointers to myself on a side note-

I noticed that I become distracted and brought into an energetic experience of self judgement when I look at all the students and pedestrians in and around school, on public transportation and on the shuttle bus etc...

-          In this respect I will work on not reacting to all the many people around me and rather focus on the bigger picture: why am I here, what am I doing right now to achieve that goal? Am I being the most effective I can be while taking it easy on myself? Am I being self honest? What am I standing as as an example right now in this moment? And Am I present?

-         

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at other students and people and judge what they are wearing and compare myself to them in self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other people based on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as others based on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by placing value on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself in my mind of judgment when I look at people around me instead of remaining present as breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape facing myself as who I am as life by going into my mind by placing importance on the physical appearance of things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people’s motivations for what they choose to wear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my motivations for what I choose to wear to come from a starting point of fear of judgment or of self-interest instead of just dressing practically and comfortably.

I do not accept or allow myself to judge others based on what they are wearing.

I do not accept or allow myself to judge other based on my projected ideas of their motivations behind how they dress.

I do not accept and allow myself to dress myself in order to impress anybody or with the belief that I will be judged. The only judgment is self-judgment.

I accept and allow myself to move through the day without reacting in judgment to the people around me.

I accept and allow myself to experience myself within crowds without being influenced or moved by their presence.

I accept myself unconditionally within big groups, and I move myself according to what’s best for all, and not what’s best for me.

I accept and allow myself to remain present within the crowds of downtown, within awareness as breath, without reaction, just silence within as stillness as stability as life.

_________________________

Self-Forgiveness on facing Myself Here, Now

Ok, so, here I am, sitting in my house, at my computer, where I’ve sat a million times and fallen in the face of who I am in this position. This position meaning, as a focused and disciplined individual who is about to start working on a very big assignment by simply sitting down, organizing and beginning to write. Already I feel overwhelmed, I’m miles ahead of myself thinking about failure, not being able to get it together, thinking about it bringing down my GPA, affecting my whole career as a student if I don’t ace this assignment.

I’ve been in this position many times in my life, and have always envied those who can just simply do it. Up to this point, I have not been able to. I don’t know if it has a name, ADD or OCD or XYZ, but it’s here with me. Big time. I can feel it as tightness in my throat, a feeling of withdrawal as if from a drug, a strong urge to get up out of this chair and go anywhere, do anything but this, a desire to pick at my skin and eat sugar and smoke or eat anything. And that’s what I’ve been doing, bouncing back and forth like a mad woman, in the chair-out of the chair- eating sugar- smoking like a chimney –picking at my skin – looking in the cupboards for a snack – freaking out about everything… But today is the day, and this is the breath. I’m here today with no cigarettes, no car, no food, just me and my imagined ‘unbelievable overwhelming project’ that needs to get done in order for me to have time to do all the other things I have to do in my life. I need o face this and to walk through it now. No more excuses.

So, here we go, the keys are my Key:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest resistances to siting down and focusing myself because of the self-created patterns of ‘giving in’ existent in me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect physical resistances to sitting down and focusing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect sitting down and focusing on a project to the word ‘hard’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sitting down and focusing myself within the word ‘hard’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from sitting down and focusing myself, and from the word ‘hard’, by defining focusing myself within the word ‘hard’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect sitting down and focusing myself to the word ‘overwhelming’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sitting down and focusing myself within the word ‘overwhelming’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from sitting down and focusing myself, and from the word ‘overwhelming’ by defining sitting down and focusing myself within the word ‘hard’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing resistances to sitting down and focusing myself to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am less-than the mind, and breathing this belief to life by giving in to the mind and all the physical reactions that go with it when it comes to focusing myself in a concentrated way on a task that needs to get done that I don’t necessarily want to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by what I want and don’t want rather than being directed by the principle of doing what’s best for all in all ways.

Hard:

Dictionary definition: Difficult to do, difficult to understand or explain, difficult to endure, harsh, severe, stern.

My allocation: focusing, concentration, low-stimulation, effort, slow accumulation, not wanting to…

New definition:

Here ARe my Demons

When something is ‘hard’ for me to do it is because I am in the process of facing my self-created and pre-programmed system demons, habits and patterns. When something is hard it indicates to me that it’s time to get hardy, to withstand and push through what I have accepted and allowed within myself. to ensure I don’t take the comfortable road or easy way out of excuses and distractions in the form of cigarettes, picking candy and food and other distractions I may think of.  

When something is hard it’s time for me to step up, stick to the principle of oneness and equality for all that is Here with me. It’s time to become one and equal to my demons, so that I can be in a position where I stand stable and do not accept or allow myself to be influenced by the internal experiences that are created by my mind.

Overwhelming (overwhelm):

Dictionary definition: to pour down and bury beneath, to crush, overpower.

My allocation: the inability to move myself, tightness, walls, confusion and lack of clarity.

The word sounds like: OVER the W(h)EaLth of Matter

To become overwhelmed is to place one’s mind’s creations over the wealth of matter, as if one’s thoughts in the forms of worries, stresses and fears were ‘more-than’ what’s Here as the physical, as matter.

When I become overwhelmed I remember that everything is right Here, all of me is Here in matter, and only my mind can project into the future, causing me to feel overwhelmed. Only my mind can overwhelm me with thoughts that ‘it’s too much’ and ‘I can’t possibly do it all’.

Nothing is more than what’s here as matter, as the physical, only in our minds is something greater than us.

I stand stable here, one and equal to what’s here, and place nothing over the wealth of matter, that is the only place there is real wealth.

When I sit at my desk, I stop, I breathe, and I take my task one step at a time, until it’s done, because that is the only way it can be done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘give in’ thus in a sense giving up on myself.

I do not accept or allow myself to give up on myself, no matter how small or insignificant the ‘battle’ may seem, the accumulative effect will determine me in the end as I accumulate either a million small victories or a million defeats. I choose perseverance, I choose to accumulate myself as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive facing myself as a battle, Living does not entail battles or fighting, remaining stable doesn’t require conflict. I breathe Here, within stability through all the imagined battles in my mind.

I do not accept or allow myself to participate in the battles in my mind, or self against self. I am Here, complete and whole. There is no conflict within oneness and equality, only in the mind.

Family Relations

 I’ve decided to start my self-forgiveness on some feelings, thoughts and emotions that are coming up in reaction to the fact that I have a group of family members coming to town to stay with me for 5 days, simply because that is what’s going on in my life at the moment. I have no particular problem or issues with any of these individuals, in fact we all get along very well (and if I did have ‘problems’ with any individual, I would look inside myself for the cause, because that’s where it its origin is, within me, meaning, it’s MY problem and I will take responsibility for it, correct it and move on).
The reactions that are coming up are due to my own acceptances and allowances and are really only existent in my mind. I would rather have an enjoyable visit and not have to concern myself with any unnecessary discomfort, blockages or limitations, so I’m doing this before they arrive, rather than afterwards.
I’m doing this because of the reactions that are coming up, such as stress (will I have enough food/money etc...), anxieties (will they have a good time, will everyone get along?) and fears (will I become overwhelmed by so many people in my house, will everything work out?) and then many thoughts which are simply a result of past experiences.
In the past, I have had trouble expressing myself around my family. This is not due to anything they have done, nor has anything been done ‘to me’ by them to have ‘made’ me fall into these patterns. It is actually a result of me defining myself in relation to them, and now that I know how to decide for myself what I want my experience to be (which is to be capable of expressing myself as who I am around any person I come in to contact with), I will direct myself accordingly within the principle of equality and oneness.
Family relationships are complicated and complex, I think, within any family. I have been working through this for some time now, and my current reactions to this upcoming visit have provided me with the opportunity of having more points to work with.
So I’m just going to start with whatever is coming up in the moment and move on from there. Hopefully more points will come up that I hadn’t considered as I dig deeper and remove the layers which prohibit me from ‘just being myself.’

Self-Forgiveness on Family:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself around my family.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stressed around my family because I want everything to go perfectly, I want to impress them and I feel responsible for the quality of the visit.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my family visit to go ‘perfectly’, as if such a thing existed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the desire for a ‘perfect visit’ to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project in to the future and imagine all the things that could go ‘wrong’ during a family visit, such as conflict between people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because I’m not comfortable with people not acting like everything is ok, fine and perfect all the time, as I have done my whole life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act like everything is ok, fine and perfect all the time instead of expressing myself as who I am in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself by acting like everything is ok, fine and perfect all the time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the ideal of ‘everything being ok, fine and perfect all the time’ to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as ‘one who is ok, fine and perfect all the time’ instead of expressing who I really am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as ok, fine and perfect all the time instead of existing Here, within and as the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear existing Here, as the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because it’s more ‘real’ than what I’m used to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because it would reveal that everything is not fine, ok and perfect all the time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because it reveals to me that I am not fine, ok and perfect all the time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because it reveals to me the conflict within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the conflict within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid the conflict within me by pretending that I’m fine, ok and perfect all the time.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust that I can stand in the face of my inner conflict.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing conflict to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing separation within myself, which creates inner conflict, self-judgment and emotional turmoil.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself by existing within and as my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within and as the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing separation within myself by existing within and as ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within and as ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing inner conflict, self-judgment and ego to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that which is not the pre-programmed design.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have habituated myself to a ‘script’ wherein I play a role within a pre-programmed design, where everything is ok, fine and perfect all the time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate myself to a script, rather than taking responsibility for myself as life, because the script is more comfortable, and it’s what I’m used to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to choose comfort and habitual patterns over life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tempted and seduced into the pre-programmed design because it seems easier, more comfortable and safe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tempted and seduced by experiential living rather than living according to principle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define/believe/perceive living according to principle to be hard, scary and tiring.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself into comfortable habits and patterns instead of facing myself as life, Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because I can’t control it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because I feel I need to choose a side.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to chose sides rather than standing on my own two feet, alone, in oneness and equality with all that’s Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict between family members because it reminds me of past conflicts where I felt powerless and scared.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless and scared in the face of conflict.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing powerlessness and fear, within the context of conflict, to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to rely on harmony and stability outside of myself in order to experience it within.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from harmony and stability by holding on to the belief that it needs to exist within the relationships in my world in order for it to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from harmony and stability by defining harmony and stability within the relationships in my world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the topic of Desteni to be brought up by family.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face the realness of Desteni, by fearing facing it in other people.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself enough to speak about Dseteni to others with full confidence and understanding.
To be continued...

Day 6- Perceiving Perceptions

Perceived Perceptions

Support From Anna:

"We don't actually know what others think about us. Thus what we believe that they think about us, is actually what we think about/back-chat about/Judge ourselves.
So this is a cool way to take Self-Responsibility - to see what it is we believe others think about us or judge us for and then bring it back to Self.

Here are some cool videos by Sunette about Judgment and Self-Image"

Judgment-The Good and the Bad: 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sm_qovfQ8Lw 

Self-Image and Fear of Others 1:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8t5CLeGnGE
Self-Image and Fear of Others 2:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIhfgub0XHg
___________________________________________________________________
Cool videos! 

I have actually already watched them around the time they were released, but because I hadn't at that point started opening up the points within myself, (although I saw the common sense in them back then), I watched them with fresh eyes tonight.

It's videos like these where, at least in my experience, you think you're having these super personal secret and oftentimes shameful experiences within yourself and then there's this girl reading your secret script on a screen in front of your face!

It's this undeniable truth that surpasses doubt because she's so specific and accurate in the points she addresses that there's no room for interpretation. It simply is what it is - the truth.

Anyway, I'm going to write a list of what I perceive people to be thinking about me, how I believe they see me and how I feel they feel about me, as was suggested in the video.

How do 'people' see me?

Beautiful -only if I've determined that I look ok before I left the house. Meaning, my hair looks good, I haven't picked my face so my skin looks nice, maybe I put on a little makeup or I like my outfit or whatever. Maybe I feel like my clothes are very flattering.

So what this indicates is my desire to be beautiful.

My desire to be attractive, to have males look at me and be drawn to me (giving me perceived power over them) or for females to look at me and be jealous.

Already I see how abusive this self-judgment is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be beautiful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more beautiful than other women.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as beautiful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do certain specific things before I leave the house to ensure my experience of feeling beautiful when I'm around others out in the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be beautiful so that I can attract men and manipulate them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be beautiful so that I can make other women jealous thus making me feel less insecure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse other women in order to make me 'feel' more secure instead of facing and taking responsibility for my own insecurities. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to manipulate others in order to manifest a certain positive experience for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the energetic rush of desire I get when I feel beautiful, and then someone glances at me and so I automatically assume they are thinking I am beautiful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse men by desiring them to want me so that I can manipulate them further, to further my self-image.

Plain-

Sometimes I feel really plain, especially since I stopped wearing makeup and doing my hair all them time. My biggest issue here is that I worry people will think that I'm gay. It's not a point about being gay for me, it's more fear of the butch steriotype because I am very tall and broad-shouldered and I have masculine features.

When I was little people used to mistake me for a boy all the time and it used to absolutely humiliate me, I would be so ashamed if it happened in front of my family. But secretly at the time I wished I were a boy. I wonder if I AM gay? I don't even know! I never  felt  drawn to one sex over the other. I mean, I guess it doesn't really matter.

My first sexual experience was with a woman and I liked it and then my experiences with males after that were not so enjoyable. Hmmm...

I'm currently working on non-judgemental sex where touch is just touch, and I'm expressing myself without fear or acting or desire etc... and it's been very nice. I have been enjoying myself with a man now more than I ever have before. So if I am bi or gay or straight, it is irrelevant to me now. But the fact that I don't know makes me feel insecure.

so, believing others see me as plain reveals to me about myself that I'm uncertain of my sexual orientation. COOL!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged by my sexual orientation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being defined by my sexual orientation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being certain about my sexual orientation, and in this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel insecure in not knowing something so intimate about myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lack the self-intimacy to know my own sexual orientation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others based on their sexual orientation.

-OR-

something that just came up is that if a male looks at me and I perceive him to be thinking that I look plain and assessing from that that I'm gay, in that I feel I have lost my ability to manipulate him as I can no longer control him with sex.

Anytime I have used sex as a manipulator it has been to make myself feel better about myself, so sex has been very abusive in nature in my life in that way.

Also, a couple of bad incidents has confirmed to me (in my mind) that all males want from women is sex, or that they want that primarily.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abused myself and my partners with dishonest manipulative sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abused myself, sexually throughout my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abused others sexually throughout my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have removed all innocence from sex.

To be continued.... sf is so cool.

Terminology

     In school, each new class begins with defining the terms we will be using throughout the semester. This is a necessary task as it ensures that we are all on the same page, that the material is clear and that there is no room for misconceptions/miscommunication. I will apply the same logic to my blog.
     Below are the definitions of terms I will be using, they are based on my own understanding and living of them.  (This is where I first learned most of them before I began applying them for myself: http://desteni.co.za/faq).

Self-honesty: the understanding and realization that the root of most human behaviour is based in some way in self-interest (survival, fear of death, ego, patterned behaviour, addictions, escapes, fear, emotions, reactions, thoughts, feelings, justifications, power, desire and greed, among others).
-To look through one's actions and see the true starting point.
-Using the principle of 'what is best for all' and  using common sense.
-Realizing that we have abdicated our responsibility to life and existence, and that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become like programmed robots who survive in this world without taking in to considerations those who have no voice, or the suffering, abuse and starvation that goes on in our name and in the name of profit. Realizing that we are all equally responsible for this state of reality, and that we accept it and allow it everyday.
-To admit to oneself when one is placing him or herself above the group called life, and realizing that we are equal to everything in existence.
-To become aware of the mind.

Self-forgiveness: a statement specifically including the words "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to..."
-This use of words releases one of accepted and allowed behaviour, but can not do so on its own, it must be accompanied by self-honesty and self-corrective action.
-A tool used in conjunction with self-honesty and self-corrective application for deprogramming the mind of thought patterns, reactions, emotions and feelings and replacing them with self-movement, principled living, and discovering who one is as life.
-A taking/gifting back of self.

Self-corrective statement: stating a required change in behaviour from a starting point of self-interest to one that is best for all.

Self-corrective application: an actual living of the aforementioned principles of equality and oneness.
- Actually apllying what is learned about self through self-honesty and self-forgiveness, meaning a practical application of principled living in daily life, by determining the ways in which we must change, and then changing.
-Living the words we speak, so that what goes on in our mind is the same as what goes on in our reality. "As above, so below."
-Correcting one's behaviour through self-honesty and self-forgiveness, insodoing living self-responsibly from that point on.

Self-responsibility: stopping oneself from living in the secret world of the mind, i.e.: stopping all thoughts, feeling, emotions, reactions and judgments, and acting in a way that is best for all.
-Taking responsibility for our actions one step at a time, one breath at a time (for me this means to take back control of myself, through breath, starting with the ocd), because until we have ourselves (self first), we have nothing, we are dis-empowered. The point of self-responsibility is to empower oneself in order to become able to affect change in this world, instead of continuing on playing the game.
-Placing oneself in a position of stability (In the physical: get a job, get an education, get a stable income, stop using drugs, alchohol etc... In the mind: stop bouncing around from one emotional extreme to another, stop participating in thoughts etc...). Utilizing available resources to gain stability in the world, and doing so honestly. Using the process of self-forgiveness to release self and stop the mind.
-Not taking part in the continuance of the co-creation of our current reality by not taking part in the mind.

A 'Point': a point is something we face in reality, the point of being yourself around friends, the point of ocd (most points are composed of many other points). The fear of confronting someone, the desire to have something, the point of judging others...
-Taking apart a 'point' is for example, realizing you're judging something and then investigating why you reacted that way (self-honesty), forgiving yourself for doing so (self-forgiveness), and correcting the behaviour (corrective application). This whole equation = self-responsibility.

Energetic reaction: any reaction that is charged with either positive, negative or neutral energy. This energy can be released through taking apart points and doing self-forgiveness, and the build up of energy can be avoided though self-corrective action.
-We do not require energy to move ourselves through reality; we don't need to depend on motivation to get off our asses. I think of all the things I have done in order to achieve a 'good' feeling or avoid a 'bad' feeling instead of doing things out of principle. Behaving in ways to get an energetic feeling 'reward' or avoid 'punishment' is acting based on self-interest instead of stepping back and looking at the action and determining whether or not it's really a self-honest act. If we act in self-honesty we act in our own best interest, as well as in the best interest of all.

Polarity: If we experience one end of the spectrum, we're bound to experience the other.
-If you're feeling really high one day: 'happy' and motivated, and you feed in to that and try to keep it up, you're bound to fall. We will always experience the polar opposite of the energetic reaction we allow within ourselves.
-The world works in polarity (rich/poor, obese/emaciated, beautiful/ugly, things in which you can't have one without the other).

Time Loop: All points we have allowed in our lives are points we must face in self-honesty and correct. In time, these points come up and we have the opportunity to deal with them, but if we miss that opportunity we will time loop, that is, run in to some turmoil wherein progress is very difficult, until that point reemerges again for us to deal with.

The Physical: The three dimensional reality we live in.

Breath: the act of breathing, specifically 4-count breathing where one breathe in for 4 seconds, hold it for four seconds, exhale for 4 seconds and pause again for 4 seconds.
-This 4-count breath can be used as the most amazing tool because in those pauses between the in-breath and the out-breath you can, what I call, "check yourself" (as in check yourself before you wreck yourself!). In that pause or that space, you can tell if something is up, if something is wrong, if you're stressed or if there's a little thing nagging at you (if you've acted dishonestly, if you're emotionally charged, if your lost in thought and not here as presence, these things will be revealed if you just give youself a moment to look for them). These things are easily ignored and can compound, but if we 'check ourselves' in every breath we can remain clear. That pause is like a snapshot of who we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become, and where we are in relation to ourselves.
-It's the place I use to check my self-forgiveness, to see if I've cleared a point.
-That is why it is through breath that we can live self-honestly, self-responsibly, and actually change ourselves through stopping the thoughts, feelings and emotions and stopping the mind. It is through breath that I intend to dismantle, disperse and release my obsessive compulsive behaviour.

Here: not in the mind, but 'here' present as presence, as awareness.
-Being aware of the physical, being present in the moment, aware of your body...
-Being the directive principle of yourself. Living in the moment in breath.
-Not participatin in distractions, not escaping in entertainment (escaping in ocd), thoughts or feelings.
-Being aware of yourself in the context of the whole.

 Those are the main terms that I have used up to this point.