Negative Self-Talk Chipping Away at my Resolve

Fear of Failure - Back Chat

I heard a quote similar to this (title) the other day. Actually it was “backchat chipping away at your resolve micro piece by micro piece,” (BP) and it hit me. Something clicked within me with regards to the nature of back chat, of my back chat and of what it is doing to me and in my life. I have been noticing that as I get closer to the end of my stay in my hometown, and to the end of my semester at school, I’ve been feeling more and more defeated. I’ve been feeling like I can’t handle the pressure, like events in my life are ‘bigger than me’, and like I’ll never get through the end of the semester. It’s a really shitty feeling. I feel plagued with self-doubt and I feel like I’m in this endless battle with myself to just continue applying myself as I have been doing.

My husband calls this the ‘home stretch’, and he’s saying don’t give up now, and I agree. But what’s missing is my resolve. The only thing is, which is kind of funny to me, is that it’s not being replaced with a giving up or a stopping. It’s like, I’ve already proven to myself that I can do this; I absolutely will not quit; stopping is simply not an option…. So I’m just kind of in this limbo. And this is where my understanding of back chat really clicked.

            I have understood the concept of back chat (inner voices or negative self-talk… Ive also heard it called self-defeating thoughts) for a long time, but it never really clicked where I could see it clearly in my own life. It’s partly because for me it’s not clear voices with words, it more like feelings and images, like ‘scenes’ which are accompanied by feelings and emotions. Like for the thought ‘what if I fail at school’ or ‘I fear failing at school’, I don’t get that sentence or even any words, it’s more like this picture of me in my life, and then the faces of all the people I feel I would disappoint, and then I imagine the feeling of telling them I failed.

I have been having lots of thoughts along these lines, and it has been chipping away at my resolve, so it’s time to rein them in and start deleting them.

Deleting Backchat:

Failure: (school)

I fear failing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect failure with fear, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the thought of failure with fear energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing because I think/believe/perceive I will be exposed as a fraud.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am smart/intelligent/bright, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire those around me to think/believe/perceive this of me as well.

            If I feel I need others to think/believe/perceive this about me then it means I don’t really think/believe/perceive it about myself because I require the validation of ‘others’ outside of me. So I have separated myself from being smart/intelligent/bright.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect being smart/intelligent/bright with acceptance by the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire the validation of others in order for me to feel smart/intelligent/bright.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from being smart/intelligent/bright by wanting/needing/desiring these qualities and thinking/believing/perceiving them as something to obtain outside of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to be seen as smart/intelligent/bright, thus separating myself from being smart/intelligent/bright and then creating the belief that I am not smart/intelligent/bright and thus manifesting the fear that ‘’people’ will ‘find out’ that I’m not smart/intelligent/bright.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as dumb/unintelligent/dull.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am dumb/unintelligent/dull.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being dumb/unintelligent/dull.

This is bringing up a memory, one from second grade, where I was placed into some kind of special class for ‘slow learners’. At some point all the students would leave one classroom to go to another one, and instead of going with them, I would go the other way to my special class. I remember some students looking at me and in that moment I felt singled out. In that moment I thought the other students were either wondering where I was going, or if they knew that I was in this special class, and then I reflected self-judgment off of them that I was not as smart/intelligent/bright as them.

The relevant points within this memory are:

- the fact that I felt singled out and different from the other students.

-I felt less-than (not as smart/intelligent/bright as the ‘regular’ students)

-I defined myself by this memory (as dumb/unintelligent/dull)

I hold on to this memory because

-          it was a moment in my life where I allowed myself to be diminished my thoughts, feelings and emotions instead of taking responsibility for them.

-          I let myself think these negative things about myself and then I believed them and carried them with me, and allowed them to affect me in many other situations in my life. So I used this memory to define myself.

-          I allowed myself to use this memory as an excuse in many situations where I could have faced me and pushed myself, but I instead withdrew and gave up because I believed it to be real and true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect thinking/perceiving/believing myself to be dumb/unintelligent/dull to the memory of going to my special class in second grade.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the memory of going a separate way to a special class to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the memory of who I believed I was and the experience of myself as being different, singled out and less than, within going a separate way to a special class to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a memory of myself as dumb/unintelligent/dull to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a memory of defining myself in one moment as different and less-than, and as dumb/unintelligent/dull, to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a memory of self-judgment and the fear or perception of judgment of others towards me asa being dumb/unintelligent/dull to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a memory of going a separate way to a special class, feeling less-than and fearing the judgment of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the memory of how I experienced myself as I walked away from the group and went a separate way, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that memory and feeling to be real or to be who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the memory of defining or labeling myself as different and less-than the other students from my class.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the memory of experiencing self-pity because I felt singled out and different.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect going to a special class to self-pity and feeling less-than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this memory because I could use it to sabotage myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this memory because it confirmed the backchat that I was having at the time that I was different and less than because school was hard for me and I felt all the other students were having a good time and it was easy for them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this memory because it allowed me to pity myself instead of standing up from within my own back chat.

Connection to the Thought:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the fear of failing to the feeling of being singled out and different than others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the fear of failing to the emotional experience of feeling ‘less-than’ others, and believing them to be normal or regular and myself to be different or not as good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the fear of failing to the belief that I am dumb/unintelligent/dull- as I have defined myself by memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the fear of failure to self-diminishing thoughts and the power I allow them to have within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to my thoughts by believing them to be real and to be who I am.

I realize the fear of failure is not real, and all it does is cause distress within me. This affects my work and is completely unnecessary as I take longer and am less focused when I am working within a fear of failure.

I realize I have held on to a memory that I have used to define myself as not as capable as others, and I have used this memory and definition as an excuse, justification and reason to give up and fail in my life. This just creates a vicious circle because then I juge myself and confirm the memory and self-definition I created from it.

I do not allow myself to continue to hold on the memory of an experience I had in second grade.

I do not accept or allow myself to hold on to this self-created definition of myself a dumb/unintelligent/dull.

I do not allow myself to try to be seen as smart/intelligent/bright as a reaction to my self-definition.

I do not accept or allow myself to fear failing because it is not who I am. So I do not accept or allow myself to believe that if I fail it will change or prove or confirm anything.

I understand why and how I have created this back chat, and I see how I have utilized it in my life to diminish myself, and I no longer accept or allow this self-diminishing behavior, I see it for what it is and I do not allow it.

I bring myself back Here, out of my mind and in to my living reality, and I allow myself to take my work one step at a time and to do each step the best I can.

When I feel the thoughts coming up that I am ‘less-than’ or not ‘smart enough’ to do my work cause there’s ‘something different/wrong with me’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back Here and delete these thoughts within the understanding that they are not real and they do not serve me.

Stopping My Reaction to Disagreement - Learning to Live as an Equal

I want to write out the point that caused me to react when an individual responded to my blog.

I felt scared, fear, why?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into a fear-based reaction when I saw that someone had responded a long response to my blog.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear a being’s reaction to my blog because it all of a sudden made it ‘real’, as in, something I had to stand by.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear standing by my words as an act of self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility for myself in every moment/every way.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to write a blog and post it without first checking to see if I can stand by each word and statement within it. And, if I did check, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-doubt, wherein I allowed myself to doubt my words, my principles and my understanding of the system. I stand within and as self-responsibility within knowing that if I am ever wrong I will stand corrected, because my goal is not to be right, it is to understand, to become equal and one to the reality that is here within that understanding, and that will involve learning things for the first time, which inevitably means I will be wrong about things.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being wrong about things, instead of realizing that I am in a learning process.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to learn within and as and according to myself as ego, instead of realizing that only myself as ego gets hurt and bruised, and within that I ‘get in the way’ of learning as one and equal to the information that is here.

Within this statement I see a belief or perception of myself as ‘already knowing’, or even superiority, because if I fear being ‘knocked down’ it means I hold the idea, perception or belief that I am ‘up’ ‘above’, because only then can I believe I am able to be knocked down.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am diminished if I am wrong.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I can be diminished/diminish myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being wrong for fear of losing my credibility.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a personality that requires credibility to exist, when in fact I am Here, unquestionably existing. Only something that is not real, such as a created personality, requires being credible/believed by others. If I feel the need to convince others into believing something about me/of me, then that is deception indicating I am not already living it into reality/myself as the living application.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live myself out as personalities that are not real and require me to act in ways that I perceive are ‘credible’ to others outside of me, instead of making myself real through the directed living application of the principles I stand by.

In this way, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use deception to create and feed the personalities I live within and as.

I allow myself to let go of these created personality manifestations and to instead live Here, real, physical.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I am ‘already knowing’, thus separating myself within and as knowledge and information which I believe myself to possess.

I realize that I only truly ‘know’ that which I have understood and lived into application through my action/living application in the physical.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive myself to be superior because of knowledge that I have collected and gathered as if it were a possession.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by my possession of knowledge, within which I believe myself to be superior to another, instead of realizing that nobody is above anybody else, we are one group, and we are all equal in the physical.

I allow myself to be the humility required to exist one and equal to what’s Here.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that knowledge and information is something tangible that I can possess to make me more than I am.

I realize that in holding the belief that ‘I can be more’ necessarily implies that I believe myself to be less -than.

I allow myself to be what I am, Here in the physical, and to let go of the energetic desire to be more than what I am, and to let go of the energetic belief that I am less than what I am. What I am is a physical being, Here.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that being a physical being Here is limited, because of the experience of the unlimited indulgence of the mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that the mind of thoughts, feeling and emotions is unlimited.

I realize that the mind limits me in physical reality, because within its limitlessness I get lost, and I avoid facing me Here, and I also use it to avoid facing reality. It is only an illusion which I make real by believing, while actual reality passes by in each breath.

Back to the main point:

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be/become intimidated by the reply to my blog because it was written intelligently/intellectually/elitist/academically and it made me feel inferior.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am not able to understand things that are written is a certain specific way that I judge them as ‘too confusing’ or ‘too intelligent’ for me to understand.

I realize that with time and patience I am able to understand even very complex concepts.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be/become intimidated by intellectuals because I feel inferior to them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself separate myself by defining some as intellectual and others as not intellectual, and I’ve placed value judgments on each.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity of intellectual/un-intellectual, thus creating friction and energy within me as I bounce back and forth within fear, desire and judgment/self-judgment.

I realize we are all simply Here, we understand what we can, we do as much as we practically can with what we are given/born with. Within this limitation we are equal, we are equally limited by the physical.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear people attacking or disagreeing with me, within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict in my world.

I do not accept or allow myself to take criticism, disagreement or ‘attacks’ personally.

I allow myself to understand that it is not about me, only that which I react to is about me and the acceptances and allowances I have not faced, that which others react to is about them.

I do not accept or allow myself to judge others that do not agree with me.

I do not accept or allow myself to think, believe or perceive myself to be superior to any being ever.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe or perceive myself to be inferior to any being ever.

When I am disagreed with or confronted I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that reacting to the ‘conflict’ is in fact creating it, and I instead allow myself to be one and equal to the conflict within not resisting it, and by listening to and understanding both sides, and looking for practical solutions that are best for all. Within this, conflict can be diffused. Where conflict cannot be diffused, I simply do not participate.

Back in Montreal

Writing self out, self-honestly

I’m at the end of my first day ‘alone’ in Montreal. ‘Alone’ meaning without my husband, but really, I’m always alone. Things have gone pretty much as I expected, I have chosen today the comfort of the mind rather than facing myself again. Again and again and again as the pattern has been repeating. I’ve been telling myself I will end it here, alone in montreal, so now I am here and it’s time to face it, face myself. Right now I’m having trouble taking myself seriously as I write this, because I’ve put it off for so long the words no longer carry any weight. It’s like, I don’t care if I don’t face myself, I can’t do it anyways, and this is all going to play out exactly like last year.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I’m not able to take myself seriously.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I’m not able to take myself seriously because I haven’t proven it to myself yet that I can really change.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take myself seriously,

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take myself seriously because it’s a pattern that I’m used to and it’s easier and more comfortable to abdicate my self-responsibility by not taking myself seriously.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take myself seriously because over the years I have participated in relationships where I was not taken seriously, and I accepted and allowed it, and I perpetuates it by believing it to be who I am, therefore living it into my actions and words, instead of realizing myself as who I really am as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create relationships within which I am not taken seriously, because if I’m not taking myself seriously, I will train others to do the same.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself unconditionally, to value my voice and my presence in the world.

I allow myself to take myself seriously, knowing that this is a serious process and that the consequences of my not facing myself are serious.

I allow myself to take myself seriously because I’m worth being taken seriously because I have the value of life, and the only thing that can take that away from me is myself.

I allow myself to take myself seriously because I understand that only the mind is capable of not taking life seriously.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can’t do ‘this’, meaning, I can’t change my patterns, addictions habits and behaviours.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can’t change my patterns, addictions, habits and behaviours because I’ve never actually really tried before.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can’t change my patterns, addictions, habits and behaviours because I believe these things are bigger or more powerful than who I am as life, rather than realizing that I created these entities and am therefore equal and one with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can’t change my patterns, addictions, habits and behaviours because I fear the discomfort of facing myself as the mind.

I know that I can do this, and the belief that I can’t do this is only a belief in the mind. I stand equal and one to what I have created by accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility and instead participate in the mind. In terms of the discomfort- I know it goes away- the energy runs out, and I can stick to breath to get me through these walls, because I have to.

I accept and allow myself to realize that I can face and change my patterns, habits, addictions and behaviours, and when the thought pops up that I can’t, I stop, I breathe, I confront the discomfort and breathe through it until it is gone, and I accumulate myself as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that this is all going to play out like last year.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ensure this is all going to play out like last year by thinking it, I stop this immediately and realize that the future is not written, it is up to me to direct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that this is all going to play out like last year because I will not accept or allow that to happen, I am the directive principle of my life and I am learning more and more every day. It is becoming less and less easy to fool myself and there is very little standing in between me and my self-directive principle.

I allow myself to change myself one breath at a time so that I slowly accumulate the change I will to see in myself so that I can stand as that change within the world, equal and one with what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy because I have programmed myself over time to be lazy and avoid responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility by choosing laziness over directive principle because it’s easier and more comfortable to be lazy, and its hard and uncomfortable to move myself according to my principles because doing so involves breaking old patterns as addictions to what I have accepted and allowed within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose laziness because I have defined it as a more enjoyable experience to experience and is done only in self-interest wherein I am considering only myself and my immediate experience and comfort rather than moving myself in every moment to be self-honest and to do what’s best for all.

I do not accept or allow laziness, apathy or ignorance to exist within and as me. I do not allow experiential living to take priority in my life. I do not allow myself to use excuses, justifications, denial and beliefs to choose laziness, apathy, ignorance or experiential living over my self-directive principle.

I move myself in every moment and I remain Here in breath.

Separation Causing Self-Judgment

When I look back to the time in my life where I felt the most ‘insecure,’ I realize that what I experienced within and as myself was a complete devaluation of self. I attempted to understand my experience within myself by comparing myself to those around me, leaving me feeling isolated, alone and without an innate sense of value or worth. I experienced this comparison as: everyone seeming happy, certain, confident and sure of their place, while I felt confused, different, scared, confused and helpless to change. I was desperately looking for myself, my sense of wholeness, and during and throughout that search I ended up separating myself further, losing myself further in an attempt to be like others and experience myself as others project their experience of themselves. Now I see it’s quite possible that I projected the same confidence and certainty, happiness and security within this separation, as I attempted to hide my perceived vulnerability. Within this false projection of self I supressed all negative experiences of myself, not taking responsibility for them but instead fearing them, hiding them deep within myself in the hopes that they would just go away and disappear. Instead they compounded and manifested, while who I really am became deserted and neglected. This experience manifested itself through recurring dreams wherein I would happen upon a dying animal which I had been responsible for in some forgotten place in a house, usually the basement. I would find it-usually a hamster or fish or gerbil- an actual animal that I had had as a pet- and it would be in some filthy cage with no food or water. Upon seeing it I would suddenly remember that I was supposed to have fed and cared for it, but had completely forgotten about it, and I would feel overwhelmed with guilt and dread at what I had done. I always knew, even as a teenager, that that animal was me, but I never understood how to care for and nurture self, or how to stop (self-forgive) the self-neglect and resultant self-disgust, guilt and dread.

Guilt, dread and disgust are words which resonate within me when considering what I have accepted and allowed myself to do unto myself through my participation in the mind as self-dishonesty, suppression and separation of self (thus neglecting and deserting my true self as who I really am as life). Now I fear facing what I have done unto myself. I fear the dread, the guilt and self-hate, disgust and resentment that I must face within and as myself, as it is entirely self-created and designed and lived out over the years by myself as the mind. I have no one to blame and nowhere left to run. I am entirely responsible for my experience of myself and only I can forgive myself and direct myself through it.

But what I realize now is that I am ready and willing to forgive myself for it, for all of it, thus humbling myself completely in the face of myself. Such an act of grace, of actual unconditional love and kindness that I am willing to give myself as a gift of self back to self is something I have never experienced nor ever thought possible. I thought only Christ himself or some divine being would be capable or such compassion, power and mercy, and in the face of this I feel unworthy as everything I have done unto myself comes back to haunt me to my very core. But as I am both forgiver and forgiven, I allow myself to stand within this separation of self-judgment in all its many forms so that I may stop this repeating cycle and forgive myself for it and release myself from it, once and for all, so that I can find myself whole again and stand one and equal to all that is here. But the first step can only be forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have lost myself by searching for myself, my wholeness, my completeness, my self-worth and my peace of mind, outside of myself, within participation in the mind through continuously chasing illusions and shadows, instead of stopping myself in each moment to realize that I am Here already, and that in this endless search and chase for myself I have further separated myself from myself as who I really am as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have supressed myself, and to continue to supress myself within the belief that Who I Am cannot already be existent within myself, because of the belief that all that is existent within myself is fear, dread, guilt, self-disgust, neglect and desertion. And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Who I Really Am As Life and can only be sought outside myself, within experiences of myself as the mind, and within and through the validation of others, instead of realizing that Who I Really Am As Life is what is in fact within me, and the fear, dread, guilt, self-disgust, neglect and desertion are only beliefs of the mind, and are in fact not real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the fear, dread, guilt, self-disgust, neglect and desertion that I experienced within myself real by participating in them and believing them to be real, believing them to be who I am, thus living them into my reality, instead of forgiving myself and releasing myself from them in order to discover who I really am beneath all the layers of beliefs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear, dread, guilt, self-disgust, neglect and desertion to exist within and as me, as a result of my outward searching for my inward self, creating the separation that make these experiences possible. And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe these experiences of myself to be real, and to be who I am as I have, within the belief of their real-ness, defined myself according to them, as them, instead of seeing and realizing that these feelings are self-created experiences of the mind which I have accepted and allowed within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within and as fear, dread, guilt, self-disgust, neglect and desertion in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own self-created fear, dread, guilt, self-disgust, neglect and desertion, thus actually becoming them as my inner experience of self, instead of realizing myself as breath, as Life, with the ability to direct myself, to take responsibility for my experience of self in every moment ,Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continuously attempt to escape my inner experience of myself through suppression, neglect and desertion of myself while I chase manifested external experiences to try to justify and validate myself as ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am my ego, and within that belief to attempt to satisfy that insatiable ego through the manipulation and abuse of myself and others in my world, particularly in this case, through the manipulation of men and the absolute betrayal of self I experienced within this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that in order for me to experience myself as happy, confident, certain and ‘sure of my place in the world’ is by having males desire me in order to make me feel important and special, because of the experience of myself beginning at the age of about 12 years old, wherein I developed the belief that  ‘other girls are happy, confident, certain and sure of their place in the world because boys like them, making them special and more important’.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my interpretation of external events were actually entirely due to my inner experience of incompleteness (feeling un-whole, un-special, un-important within myself), causing me to seek to fulfil and complete my ego as the mind, thus interpreting events within and as the mind instead of as Myself as Life, wherein I did not see what was really going on, but rather only a reflection of myself and my accumulated beliefs and self-definitions causing further separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to my own interpretation of external events which caused separation and self-judgment, which caused jealousy, hate and resentment within me which I projected on to other beings in my world, viewing them as greater than me, leaving me feeling devalued, worthless, less-than, unimportant and un-special within myself, instead of realizing that I am a whole, complete being who is Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others need to treat me a certain way in order for me to feel better, meaning, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-responsibility on to others by depending on them to ‘fix’ my inner experience of myself by ‘making it better for me’ within the belief that I am powerless to change myself for myself.

I accept and allow myself to see and realize that I have all the power and directive principle I will ever need within me already to change myself and to be my own self-directive principle.

I accept and allow myself to see and realize that all of the negative emotions and inner experiences of myself are only ever of the mind and always have been, and I accept and allow myself to see and realize that I am willing to unconditionally forgive myself for all I have ever accepted and allowed myself to be and become, so that I may change and realize myself as Life, Here.

I accept and allow myself to see and realize that the positive emotions and positive inner experiences of myself are only polarity energetic charges within me, manifesting their polar opposites, and I do not accept or allow myself to participate in either end of the energetic polarity within my mind whatsoever.

I accept and allow myself to see and realize myself as breath, as Life, with the ability to direct myself, to take responsibility for my experience of self in every moment, Here.

I accept and allow myself to see and realize that I am a complete and whole being who is (and always has been) Here.