Resentment and Hate

Victor: ''In relation to this self-forgiveness line: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my impact on others.

How is it that you fear impacting upon others? What is that you fear your impact will create in others, or in your world? Do you feel like you can impact others in a good way, but also in a bad way? And in that case, do you fear impacing others in a bad way? And what does it mean to be bad then?

Some questions that might help you to further open your self-forgiveness''

Thanks Victor. I will explore this.

The first biggie that's really revealing to me is the fact that I fear others will resent me if I demand sef-responsibility from them, so I hardly ever do it. I just let things go and grow frustrted that nobody in my world, not one person, is self-responsible. So when I flip that around and bring it back to myself I can see thay I fear resenting myself, or I resent myself for not taking self-responsibiility, and therefore I 'let things go', and let myself get away with things like habbits and patterns and participation in the mind.

When I first got married I was 23, and I had never really had any responsibilities in life. The ones I did have, like shool, I quit, I just gave up on things or avoided things that were 'too much work' or 'too hard', 'too diffficult' for me to handle. My husband did not accept this behaviour and placed expectations on me that I was not used to, and he made me accountable for my actions whereas I was used to always being let off the hook by myself and others. For this I felt at times extreme resentment and hatred towards him (hell hath no fury as a woman scorned), but as time passed I began to respect him.

But the resentment and hatred I felt for him when he would call me out on something or make me be responsible for something is what I fear others feeling towards me. Especially because it was also in my personality to depend on being liked by everyone.
But now it's time to make myself accountable, self-responsible, and to call myself out on the things I had been letting slip by. And so this entails dealing with my own resentment and hatred, which is the resentment and hatred of my mind as I change from within it, thus threatening its very existance and survival.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the resentment and hatred I create, as a mind, in response to being held accountable and self-responsible, on to those closest to me in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on those closest to me to be responsible for me, as if I were a child still dependant on its mother, instead of growing up within mysef and taking self-responsibility and accountability for myself, and so I forgive myself for accepting and alllowing myself to then participate in the emotions of resentment and hatred towards those people when they do in fact hold me responsible or accountable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anybody but myself can hold me accountible or 'make' me self-responsible, only I can direct me in every breath, as only I know when I am being self-dishonest or abdicating my self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid pushing myself to take self-responsibility because of fear the resentment and hate that I know my mind is capable of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear hating and resenting myself because I don't take respnsibility in every moment.

Here what is interesting to me is the fact that if I take responsibility I will hate and resent myself for making myself do such a difficult thing, but if I don't take responsibility I will hate and resent myself for not pushing myself. The reason is because taking self-responsibility is being Here as Life, and not in the mind living out time loops and energy-creating polarity, therefor, the resentments and hatred my own mind manifests within me is due to the fact that I am essentially eradicating my mind and my egoic delusions that I have been living as. Persuing this despite these 'bad' or 'negative' feelings will eventually lead to self-respect and self-trust, stability etc... Whereas NOT pushing myself to take self-responsibility leads me to project my resentment and hatred on to others in my world, beause an irresposnible person needs to be taken care of, and others will eventually make some demands because it is impossible to entirely take care of another being without them taking some kind of responsibility for themselves.

Also, not taking responsibility leads to self-judgment, self-loathing, resentment and hatred within me because I now know better, so when I don't take responsibility it is a choice to not live and to give up on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing hate and resentment to exist within and as me, these are emotions I am capable of and I take responsibility for, they are not Life, they are not of oneness and equality, they are manifestations of the mind which I do not allow myself to participate within and as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach resentment and hate to whatever it is that is pushing me to give up my addiction to energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the emotions of resentment and hate are not real, but rather only withdrawl 'symptoms' or reactions to my cessation of the constant feeding of energy within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear experiencing what my mind is capable of, threrfore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own mind, my own creation.

If I fear my own creation I am essentially making it bigger than who I really am, giving it power over me, abdicating myself to it, allowing it to live thus enslaving myself to it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my resentment and frustration on to my husband instead of taking responsibility for it, thus separating myself from it, allwoing it to grow as if I had no control over it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my husband as a point of release and self-abdication within separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my husband as a point of blame and thus as an excuse for me to not move and direct myself within my own life and process.

I accept and allow myself to live without fearing taking self-responsibility.

I accept and allow myself to apply myself within my own process, stating clearly and publicly what I will and will not stand for, desptie whatever reactions might come up from others.

I allow myself to take full self-resonsibility for myself, and to remain accountible to myself within the understanding that each is in their own process and only I can influence me.

I am Here. I Stand. I breathe.

Terminology

     In school, each new class begins with defining the terms we will be using throughout the semester. This is a necessary task as it ensures that we are all on the same page, that the material is clear and that there is no room for misconceptions/miscommunication. I will apply the same logic to my blog.
     Below are the definitions of terms I will be using, they are based on my own understanding and living of them.  (This is where I first learned most of them before I began applying them for myself: http://desteni.co.za/faq).

Self-honesty: the understanding and realization that the root of most human behaviour is based in some way in self-interest (survival, fear of death, ego, patterned behaviour, addictions, escapes, fear, emotions, reactions, thoughts, feelings, justifications, power, desire and greed, among others).
-To look through one's actions and see the true starting point.
-Using the principle of 'what is best for all' and  using common sense.
-Realizing that we have abdicated our responsibility to life and existence, and that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become like programmed robots who survive in this world without taking in to considerations those who have no voice, or the suffering, abuse and starvation that goes on in our name and in the name of profit. Realizing that we are all equally responsible for this state of reality, and that we accept it and allow it everyday.
-To admit to oneself when one is placing him or herself above the group called life, and realizing that we are equal to everything in existence.
-To become aware of the mind.

Self-forgiveness: a statement specifically including the words "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to..."
-This use of words releases one of accepted and allowed behaviour, but can not do so on its own, it must be accompanied by self-honesty and self-corrective action.
-A tool used in conjunction with self-honesty and self-corrective application for deprogramming the mind of thought patterns, reactions, emotions and feelings and replacing them with self-movement, principled living, and discovering who one is as life.
-A taking/gifting back of self.

Self-corrective statement: stating a required change in behaviour from a starting point of self-interest to one that is best for all.

Self-corrective application: an actual living of the aforementioned principles of equality and oneness.
- Actually apllying what is learned about self through self-honesty and self-forgiveness, meaning a practical application of principled living in daily life, by determining the ways in which we must change, and then changing.
-Living the words we speak, so that what goes on in our mind is the same as what goes on in our reality. "As above, so below."
-Correcting one's behaviour through self-honesty and self-forgiveness, insodoing living self-responsibly from that point on.

Self-responsibility: stopping oneself from living in the secret world of the mind, i.e.: stopping all thoughts, feeling, emotions, reactions and judgments, and acting in a way that is best for all.
-Taking responsibility for our actions one step at a time, one breath at a time (for me this means to take back control of myself, through breath, starting with the ocd), because until we have ourselves (self first), we have nothing, we are dis-empowered. The point of self-responsibility is to empower oneself in order to become able to affect change in this world, instead of continuing on playing the game.
-Placing oneself in a position of stability (In the physical: get a job, get an education, get a stable income, stop using drugs, alchohol etc... In the mind: stop bouncing around from one emotional extreme to another, stop participating in thoughts etc...). Utilizing available resources to gain stability in the world, and doing so honestly. Using the process of self-forgiveness to release self and stop the mind.
-Not taking part in the continuance of the co-creation of our current reality by not taking part in the mind.

A 'Point': a point is something we face in reality, the point of being yourself around friends, the point of ocd (most points are composed of many other points). The fear of confronting someone, the desire to have something, the point of judging others...
-Taking apart a 'point' is for example, realizing you're judging something and then investigating why you reacted that way (self-honesty), forgiving yourself for doing so (self-forgiveness), and correcting the behaviour (corrective application). This whole equation = self-responsibility.

Energetic reaction: any reaction that is charged with either positive, negative or neutral energy. This energy can be released through taking apart points and doing self-forgiveness, and the build up of energy can be avoided though self-corrective action.
-We do not require energy to move ourselves through reality; we don't need to depend on motivation to get off our asses. I think of all the things I have done in order to achieve a 'good' feeling or avoid a 'bad' feeling instead of doing things out of principle. Behaving in ways to get an energetic feeling 'reward' or avoid 'punishment' is acting based on self-interest instead of stepping back and looking at the action and determining whether or not it's really a self-honest act. If we act in self-honesty we act in our own best interest, as well as in the best interest of all.

Polarity: If we experience one end of the spectrum, we're bound to experience the other.
-If you're feeling really high one day: 'happy' and motivated, and you feed in to that and try to keep it up, you're bound to fall. We will always experience the polar opposite of the energetic reaction we allow within ourselves.
-The world works in polarity (rich/poor, obese/emaciated, beautiful/ugly, things in which you can't have one without the other).

Time Loop: All points we have allowed in our lives are points we must face in self-honesty and correct. In time, these points come up and we have the opportunity to deal with them, but if we miss that opportunity we will time loop, that is, run in to some turmoil wherein progress is very difficult, until that point reemerges again for us to deal with.

The Physical: The three dimensional reality we live in.

Breath: the act of breathing, specifically 4-count breathing where one breathe in for 4 seconds, hold it for four seconds, exhale for 4 seconds and pause again for 4 seconds.
-This 4-count breath can be used as the most amazing tool because in those pauses between the in-breath and the out-breath you can, what I call, "check yourself" (as in check yourself before you wreck yourself!). In that pause or that space, you can tell if something is up, if something is wrong, if you're stressed or if there's a little thing nagging at you (if you've acted dishonestly, if you're emotionally charged, if your lost in thought and not here as presence, these things will be revealed if you just give youself a moment to look for them). These things are easily ignored and can compound, but if we 'check ourselves' in every breath we can remain clear. That pause is like a snapshot of who we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become, and where we are in relation to ourselves.
-It's the place I use to check my self-forgiveness, to see if I've cleared a point.
-That is why it is through breath that we can live self-honestly, self-responsibly, and actually change ourselves through stopping the thoughts, feelings and emotions and stopping the mind. It is through breath that I intend to dismantle, disperse and release my obsessive compulsive behaviour.

Here: not in the mind, but 'here' present as presence, as awareness.
-Being aware of the physical, being present in the moment, aware of your body...
-Being the directive principle of yourself. Living in the moment in breath.
-Not participatin in distractions, not escaping in entertainment (escaping in ocd), thoughts or feelings.
-Being aware of yourself in the context of the whole.

 Those are the main terms that I have used up to this point.