Self-judgment Creates Inner Hell

I had a really rough time this past week, physically and emotionally. Although my breathing efforts were consistent, I also participated in the mind quite a bit. I had a lot of self-judgment and fear of judgment from my partner.

My body has gone through some changes recently, and I will take the opportunity to realize how self-judgmental I am about my physical appearance/physical state.

This point has been way too important for me my whole life, and I am soooo ready to let it go, only- it’s automated within me. If anything my weight gain has shown me how extensively I am programmed to value physical appearance. How much I have separated myself from my physical body, and the lack of self-acceptance within me, and the lack of self-trust that I will properly care for my physical body.

 I also noticed how I depend on the approval of others to ‘pick me up when I’m down’, and to accept me so I don’t have to accept myself.

Recently I have gained some weight. It’s from a combination of living back with my parents while I’m studying- with three square meals as well as a sedentary student life-style. All I do is sit and study when I’m used to being outside and being active. Now my jeans don’t fit!- lol!

This past week I have spent with my partner who I haven’t seen for about a  month, and all of a sudden my self-judgment was placed right in front of me. I also had pms, as well as some kind of eczema that has been appearing and disappearing on different areas of my body.

I felt fat and disgusting.

I was visiting some family over the past week, so I was reacting to myself within that context as well.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that school and other responsibilities are overwhelming, and that I can only do so much, while I abandon everything else, such as exercise and self-enjoyment and enjoying Life. As a result, my physical body has changed, and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge the change as weight gain as disgusting, thus charging it with a negative charge and then reacting to it within fear. When I look at the fear I see fear of a lack of control over aging and over my health, wherein I am projecting into the future all my worst fears of what can happen to me physically, instead of taking it one breath at a time and remaining Here. I also see misplaced values that I have separated myself from and attached to my physical appearance, instead of valuing myself as who I am as Life.

Within this I can see a lack of balance, self-movement and self-trust that I will do what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical body, allowing for self-judgment, and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my physical body as disgusting.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body through and within my participation within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within projection, projecting my fears into an imaginary future.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live in self-created fear and fear of an imaginary future that is not even real, but which I will make real if I continue to participate within my fears, my thoughts and my projections of it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I am capable of balance, self-movement and self-trust.

I allow myself to love, respect and care for my physical body as it has supported me unconditionally my whole life.

I allow myself to take Life one breath at a time, and to remain Here with me.

I allow myself to accept and value myself as Who I Am as deserving of Life because I Am Here.

I allow myself to be balance, self-trust and self-movement, as I am pushing myself to learn how to incorporate and integrate these words into my living actions and application.

I do not allow myself to participate within my mind- projecting my worst fears into an imaginary future situation.

I do not allow myself to participate within the separation of myself wherein I misplace my self-value.

Projection and Separation:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on X’s attention/affection/devotion in order for me to experience emotional charges of importance/loved/cherished within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become dependent on feeling these emotional; charges from X, and therefore expect them, and when I don’t have them, I feel self-pity, forgotten, not important, not cherished and not loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on the acceptance of someone outside of me in order to be able to accept myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to X, thus making him responsible for creating a positive energetic experience within me when I’m around him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have come to expect the positive emotional experiences from X, and to feel disappointed/robbed/sad when I don’t get them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the emotional energetic experiences of loved/cherished/special, thus participating in polarity, thus ensuring the opposite energetic experience within and as me. So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the polarity of special/unspecial, loved/unloved and cherished/uncherished to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the experience of unspecial, unloved and un-cherished to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect X to my personal feeling experience of special, loved and cherished.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to feel special.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself, to love and cherish myself.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reflect my self-judgment off of X.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to X instead of taking responsibility for my self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as gross because I have exzema, not realizing that this physical manifestation is an opportunity to take the time to heal me and sort me out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as disgusting because I have gained weight, instead of realizing that I will make the appropriate changes to remain active and in shape because that is what I enjoy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel insecure because I have been participating in self-judgment about my exzema and weight, and because I am participating in the mind of thoughts and beliefs, thinking and believing that X is judging me too.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel insecure because I have placed my value as security in my physical appearance and sexual allure. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at myself and judge myself in this way- where I think/believe/perceive myself to have ‘no value’ unless I am perfect, thus I am perpetually judging myself as imperfect.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that such a thing as physical perfection exists, it is only pictures.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-worth in my ability to convince myself that X has a desire for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself based on how badly X desires me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire others to want/need/desire me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I require constant reassurance by X giving me attention and praise that I am wanted/valued,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame PMS as an excuse to feel self-judgmental, self-hatred, self-disgust and just foul, as self-sabotage so as not to have to face myself and remain Here, with me, in each breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame PMS for my emotional state instead of taking responsibility for myself as my mind of emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame PMS for my rage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame PMS because I always have, and it’s what I‘ve been taught to believe/taught myself to believe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame PMS for my experience of physical discomfort.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my anger towards myself instead of changing myself and the things I am angry about, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my anger towards myself instead of facing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘put up’ with myself as a mind for so long, limited and enslaved, and all the rage and anger I have felt from that- it’s suppressed within me, and now it ‘comes out’ when there is friction, irritation, resistance, etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I do not know how to deal with my emotions, this is just an excuse to not deal with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to ’feel’ stable in order to prove to myself that I am stable. I know that I cannot trust my emotions, and that my mind will fuck with me at every turn, so I know that I can’t trust my mind to tell me when I’m stable and doing well and when I’m not. The mind usually has it ass-backward anyways, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my mind of thoughts, feelings, emotions and reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on myself as a mind mind to tell me who and how I am, instead of directing myself within oneness and equality in each breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel emotionally unstable because ‘I have been working hard’, ‘I have PMS’, ‘I am visiting my in-laws’, ‘I have had a busy schedule’, “I am in exams’ and ‘I am a victim’. These are all excuses to not have to face me and I do not accept or allow myself to participate within and as them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the excuses of the mind, instead of trusting me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be the excuses that :I feel emotionally unstable because ‘I have been working hard’, ‘I have PMS’, ‘I am visiting my in-laws’, ‘I have had a busy schedule’, “I am in exams’ and ‘I am a victim’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the excuses: I feel emotionally unstable because ‘I have been working hard’, ‘I have PMS’, ‘I am visiting my in-laws’, ‘I have had a busy schedule’, “I am in exams’ and ‘I am a victim’ to exist within and as me.

Instead, I accept myself to remain Here, taking one step at a time, figuring out one step at a time.

I allow myself to realize that I love me and I accept me at all moments, within stability, one breath at a time.

I am here with me, for me. Always.

When I feel myself going into emotional instability, I stop, and I breathe. I stand up within the understanding that I trust me to direct me here, stability is not a feeling experience, and I breathe until I come back, so that I may participate in my world as who I am as stability, and not from the emotionally reactive self-interest of myself as a mind.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to X when he’s around his family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel/think/believe or perceive that I am in the way at X’s mom’s house, because I’m not getting the same kind/amount of attention I get at my house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think believe or perceive that I need a certain kind/amount of attention to be comfortable, and to feel loved and accepted within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my experience of myself with X’s family to that with my family, and then when there’s a difference, to react to it as if it were something wrong with me/them/X/the situation, not realizing that the difference is the ideas and expectations I have attached to the different locations/people/situations, and that I am, in fact, the same throughout.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to just be comfortable within myself, knowing I am Here for me always, and that self-acceptance and self-love are only a breath away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive I can’t be me/myself around X’s family because I have to be something else, something ‘more’ to impress them and to prove I am worthy to be there, to be with them and a part of their family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to be something else/something more than what I am, I know where that leads- it leads to self-judgment and insecurity, and I do not allow myself to participate within the energetic emotional reaction of inferiority around X’s family, due to the thought/belief/perception that they have the right to judge me because I am the new member of the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/belief/perceive that I need to act/behave a certain way in order to gain acceptance by X’s family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear X’s family won’t/doesn’t accept me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an inferiority polarity around X’s family, because I’m looking at myself through their eyes and judging myself as ‘a bad influence’, ‘not smart enough’, ‘not interesting enough’ or ‘annoying’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bad influence on X- he is a grown man and has a mind of his own. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that X’s family thinks I’m a bad influence on him. First of all- I have no idea what they really think so I shouldn’t worry about it. Secondly, it doesn’t matter what they think because they are only reflecting their own self-judgment, as I am doing, and it has nothing to do with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear reflecting X’s family’s self-judgment back to themselves for fear that they will react to me and blame me, as I blame others for my self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my self-judgment instead of taking responsibility for it and forgiving myself for it and not repeating the behavior (corrective application).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my thoughts/fears/beliefs/ideas of what X’s family thinks of me, instead of allowing myself to be myself, In self-confidence and self-trust.

I allow myself to love and accept myself entirely and unconditionally.

I do not accept or allow myself to become self-conscious in a group because I fear their judgment.

If Y doesn’t like me then he has that to work out for himself, on his own. I am free of that burden or weight because I choose not to participate in it- I do not accept or allow myself to try to do things to ‘win him over’ and prove to him that ‘I have good intentions’ or ‘I’m not a bad person” etc…

I do not accept or allow myself to try to be something within this group. This is not my show, it’s not ‘a’ show, but an event within which I am challenged to remain here, in breath.

When I notice myself going into a reaction around X/X’s family I stop, and I breathe. I stand up as myself, within the understanding that the only judgment is self-judgment, and I do not allow myself to participate within self-judgment or inferiority. I allow myself to remain stable, Here, because I accept and allow myself to love and accept myself unconditionally.

Separation Causing Self-Judgment

When I look back to the time in my life where I felt the most ‘insecure,’ I realize that what I experienced within and as myself was a complete devaluation of self. I attempted to understand my experience within myself by comparing myself to those around me, leaving me feeling isolated, alone and without an innate sense of value or worth. I experienced this comparison as: everyone seeming happy, certain, confident and sure of their place, while I felt confused, different, scared, confused and helpless to change. I was desperately looking for myself, my sense of wholeness, and during and throughout that search I ended up separating myself further, losing myself further in an attempt to be like others and experience myself as others project their experience of themselves. Now I see it’s quite possible that I projected the same confidence and certainty, happiness and security within this separation, as I attempted to hide my perceived vulnerability. Within this false projection of self I supressed all negative experiences of myself, not taking responsibility for them but instead fearing them, hiding them deep within myself in the hopes that they would just go away and disappear. Instead they compounded and manifested, while who I really am became deserted and neglected. This experience manifested itself through recurring dreams wherein I would happen upon a dying animal which I had been responsible for in some forgotten place in a house, usually the basement. I would find it-usually a hamster or fish or gerbil- an actual animal that I had had as a pet- and it would be in some filthy cage with no food or water. Upon seeing it I would suddenly remember that I was supposed to have fed and cared for it, but had completely forgotten about it, and I would feel overwhelmed with guilt and dread at what I had done. I always knew, even as a teenager, that that animal was me, but I never understood how to care for and nurture self, or how to stop (self-forgive) the self-neglect and resultant self-disgust, guilt and dread.

Guilt, dread and disgust are words which resonate within me when considering what I have accepted and allowed myself to do unto myself through my participation in the mind as self-dishonesty, suppression and separation of self (thus neglecting and deserting my true self as who I really am as life). Now I fear facing what I have done unto myself. I fear the dread, the guilt and self-hate, disgust and resentment that I must face within and as myself, as it is entirely self-created and designed and lived out over the years by myself as the mind. I have no one to blame and nowhere left to run. I am entirely responsible for my experience of myself and only I can forgive myself and direct myself through it.

But what I realize now is that I am ready and willing to forgive myself for it, for all of it, thus humbling myself completely in the face of myself. Such an act of grace, of actual unconditional love and kindness that I am willing to give myself as a gift of self back to self is something I have never experienced nor ever thought possible. I thought only Christ himself or some divine being would be capable or such compassion, power and mercy, and in the face of this I feel unworthy as everything I have done unto myself comes back to haunt me to my very core. But as I am both forgiver and forgiven, I allow myself to stand within this separation of self-judgment in all its many forms so that I may stop this repeating cycle and forgive myself for it and release myself from it, once and for all, so that I can find myself whole again and stand one and equal to all that is here. But the first step can only be forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have lost myself by searching for myself, my wholeness, my completeness, my self-worth and my peace of mind, outside of myself, within participation in the mind through continuously chasing illusions and shadows, instead of stopping myself in each moment to realize that I am Here already, and that in this endless search and chase for myself I have further separated myself from myself as who I really am as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have supressed myself, and to continue to supress myself within the belief that Who I Am cannot already be existent within myself, because of the belief that all that is existent within myself is fear, dread, guilt, self-disgust, neglect and desertion. And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Who I Really Am As Life and can only be sought outside myself, within experiences of myself as the mind, and within and through the validation of others, instead of realizing that Who I Really Am As Life is what is in fact within me, and the fear, dread, guilt, self-disgust, neglect and desertion are only beliefs of the mind, and are in fact not real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the fear, dread, guilt, self-disgust, neglect and desertion that I experienced within myself real by participating in them and believing them to be real, believing them to be who I am, thus living them into my reality, instead of forgiving myself and releasing myself from them in order to discover who I really am beneath all the layers of beliefs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear, dread, guilt, self-disgust, neglect and desertion to exist within and as me, as a result of my outward searching for my inward self, creating the separation that make these experiences possible. And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe these experiences of myself to be real, and to be who I am as I have, within the belief of their real-ness, defined myself according to them, as them, instead of seeing and realizing that these feelings are self-created experiences of the mind which I have accepted and allowed within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within and as fear, dread, guilt, self-disgust, neglect and desertion in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own self-created fear, dread, guilt, self-disgust, neglect and desertion, thus actually becoming them as my inner experience of self, instead of realizing myself as breath, as Life, with the ability to direct myself, to take responsibility for my experience of self in every moment ,Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continuously attempt to escape my inner experience of myself through suppression, neglect and desertion of myself while I chase manifested external experiences to try to justify and validate myself as ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am my ego, and within that belief to attempt to satisfy that insatiable ego through the manipulation and abuse of myself and others in my world, particularly in this case, through the manipulation of men and the absolute betrayal of self I experienced within this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that in order for me to experience myself as happy, confident, certain and ‘sure of my place in the world’ is by having males desire me in order to make me feel important and special, because of the experience of myself beginning at the age of about 12 years old, wherein I developed the belief that  ‘other girls are happy, confident, certain and sure of their place in the world because boys like them, making them special and more important’.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my interpretation of external events were actually entirely due to my inner experience of incompleteness (feeling un-whole, un-special, un-important within myself), causing me to seek to fulfil and complete my ego as the mind, thus interpreting events within and as the mind instead of as Myself as Life, wherein I did not see what was really going on, but rather only a reflection of myself and my accumulated beliefs and self-definitions causing further separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to my own interpretation of external events which caused separation and self-judgment, which caused jealousy, hate and resentment within me which I projected on to other beings in my world, viewing them as greater than me, leaving me feeling devalued, worthless, less-than, unimportant and un-special within myself, instead of realizing that I am a whole, complete being who is Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others need to treat me a certain way in order for me to feel better, meaning, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-responsibility on to others by depending on them to ‘fix’ my inner experience of myself by ‘making it better for me’ within the belief that I am powerless to change myself for myself.

I accept and allow myself to see and realize that I have all the power and directive principle I will ever need within me already to change myself and to be my own self-directive principle.

I accept and allow myself to see and realize that all of the negative emotions and inner experiences of myself are only ever of the mind and always have been, and I accept and allow myself to see and realize that I am willing to unconditionally forgive myself for all I have ever accepted and allowed myself to be and become, so that I may change and realize myself as Life, Here.

I accept and allow myself to see and realize that the positive emotions and positive inner experiences of myself are only polarity energetic charges within me, manifesting their polar opposites, and I do not accept or allow myself to participate in either end of the energetic polarity within my mind whatsoever.

I accept and allow myself to see and realize myself as breath, as Life, with the ability to direct myself, to take responsibility for my experience of self in every moment, Here.

I accept and allow myself to see and realize that I am a complete and whole being who is (and always has been) Here.