Back in Montreal

Writing self out, self-honestly

I’m at the end of my first day ‘alone’ in Montreal. ‘Alone’ meaning without my husband, but really, I’m always alone. Things have gone pretty much as I expected, I have chosen today the comfort of the mind rather than facing myself again. Again and again and again as the pattern has been repeating. I’ve been telling myself I will end it here, alone in montreal, so now I am here and it’s time to face it, face myself. Right now I’m having trouble taking myself seriously as I write this, because I’ve put it off for so long the words no longer carry any weight. It’s like, I don’t care if I don’t face myself, I can’t do it anyways, and this is all going to play out exactly like last year.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I’m not able to take myself seriously.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I’m not able to take myself seriously because I haven’t proven it to myself yet that I can really change.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take myself seriously,

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take myself seriously because it’s a pattern that I’m used to and it’s easier and more comfortable to abdicate my self-responsibility by not taking myself seriously.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take myself seriously because over the years I have participated in relationships where I was not taken seriously, and I accepted and allowed it, and I perpetuates it by believing it to be who I am, therefore living it into my actions and words, instead of realizing myself as who I really am as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create relationships within which I am not taken seriously, because if I’m not taking myself seriously, I will train others to do the same.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself unconditionally, to value my voice and my presence in the world.

I allow myself to take myself seriously, knowing that this is a serious process and that the consequences of my not facing myself are serious.

I allow myself to take myself seriously because I’m worth being taken seriously because I have the value of life, and the only thing that can take that away from me is myself.

I allow myself to take myself seriously because I understand that only the mind is capable of not taking life seriously.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can’t do ‘this’, meaning, I can’t change my patterns, addictions habits and behaviours.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can’t change my patterns, addictions, habits and behaviours because I’ve never actually really tried before.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can’t change my patterns, addictions, habits and behaviours because I believe these things are bigger or more powerful than who I am as life, rather than realizing that I created these entities and am therefore equal and one with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can’t change my patterns, addictions, habits and behaviours because I fear the discomfort of facing myself as the mind.

I know that I can do this, and the belief that I can’t do this is only a belief in the mind. I stand equal and one to what I have created by accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility and instead participate in the mind. In terms of the discomfort- I know it goes away- the energy runs out, and I can stick to breath to get me through these walls, because I have to.

I accept and allow myself to realize that I can face and change my patterns, habits, addictions and behaviours, and when the thought pops up that I can’t, I stop, I breathe, I confront the discomfort and breathe through it until it is gone, and I accumulate myself as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that this is all going to play out like last year.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ensure this is all going to play out like last year by thinking it, I stop this immediately and realize that the future is not written, it is up to me to direct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that this is all going to play out like last year because I will not accept or allow that to happen, I am the directive principle of my life and I am learning more and more every day. It is becoming less and less easy to fool myself and there is very little standing in between me and my self-directive principle.

I allow myself to change myself one breath at a time so that I slowly accumulate the change I will to see in myself so that I can stand as that change within the world, equal and one with what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy because I have programmed myself over time to be lazy and avoid responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility by choosing laziness over directive principle because it’s easier and more comfortable to be lazy, and its hard and uncomfortable to move myself according to my principles because doing so involves breaking old patterns as addictions to what I have accepted and allowed within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose laziness because I have defined it as a more enjoyable experience to experience and is done only in self-interest wherein I am considering only myself and my immediate experience and comfort rather than moving myself in every moment to be self-honest and to do what’s best for all.

I do not accept or allow laziness, apathy or ignorance to exist within and as me. I do not allow experiential living to take priority in my life. I do not allow myself to use excuses, justifications, denial and beliefs to choose laziness, apathy, ignorance or experiential living over my self-directive principle.

I move myself in every moment and I remain Here in breath.

Resentment and Hate

Victor: ''In relation to this self-forgiveness line: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my impact on others.

How is it that you fear impacting upon others? What is that you fear your impact will create in others, or in your world? Do you feel like you can impact others in a good way, but also in a bad way? And in that case, do you fear impacing others in a bad way? And what does it mean to be bad then?

Some questions that might help you to further open your self-forgiveness''

Thanks Victor. I will explore this.

The first biggie that's really revealing to me is the fact that I fear others will resent me if I demand sef-responsibility from them, so I hardly ever do it. I just let things go and grow frustrted that nobody in my world, not one person, is self-responsible. So when I flip that around and bring it back to myself I can see thay I fear resenting myself, or I resent myself for not taking self-responsibiility, and therefore I 'let things go', and let myself get away with things like habbits and patterns and participation in the mind.

When I first got married I was 23, and I had never really had any responsibilities in life. The ones I did have, like shool, I quit, I just gave up on things or avoided things that were 'too much work' or 'too hard', 'too diffficult' for me to handle. My husband did not accept this behaviour and placed expectations on me that I was not used to, and he made me accountable for my actions whereas I was used to always being let off the hook by myself and others. For this I felt at times extreme resentment and hatred towards him (hell hath no fury as a woman scorned), but as time passed I began to respect him.

But the resentment and hatred I felt for him when he would call me out on something or make me be responsible for something is what I fear others feeling towards me. Especially because it was also in my personality to depend on being liked by everyone.
But now it's time to make myself accountable, self-responsible, and to call myself out on the things I had been letting slip by. And so this entails dealing with my own resentment and hatred, which is the resentment and hatred of my mind as I change from within it, thus threatening its very existance and survival.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the resentment and hatred I create, as a mind, in response to being held accountable and self-responsible, on to those closest to me in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on those closest to me to be responsible for me, as if I were a child still dependant on its mother, instead of growing up within mysef and taking self-responsibility and accountability for myself, and so I forgive myself for accepting and alllowing myself to then participate in the emotions of resentment and hatred towards those people when they do in fact hold me responsible or accountable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anybody but myself can hold me accountible or 'make' me self-responsible, only I can direct me in every breath, as only I know when I am being self-dishonest or abdicating my self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid pushing myself to take self-responsibility because of fear the resentment and hate that I know my mind is capable of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear hating and resenting myself because I don't take respnsibility in every moment.

Here what is interesting to me is the fact that if I take responsibility I will hate and resent myself for making myself do such a difficult thing, but if I don't take responsibility I will hate and resent myself for not pushing myself. The reason is because taking self-responsibility is being Here as Life, and not in the mind living out time loops and energy-creating polarity, therefor, the resentments and hatred my own mind manifests within me is due to the fact that I am essentially eradicating my mind and my egoic delusions that I have been living as. Persuing this despite these 'bad' or 'negative' feelings will eventually lead to self-respect and self-trust, stability etc... Whereas NOT pushing myself to take self-responsibility leads me to project my resentment and hatred on to others in my world, beause an irresposnible person needs to be taken care of, and others will eventually make some demands because it is impossible to entirely take care of another being without them taking some kind of responsibility for themselves.

Also, not taking responsibility leads to self-judgment, self-loathing, resentment and hatred within me because I now know better, so when I don't take responsibility it is a choice to not live and to give up on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing hate and resentment to exist within and as me, these are emotions I am capable of and I take responsibility for, they are not Life, they are not of oneness and equality, they are manifestations of the mind which I do not allow myself to participate within and as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach resentment and hate to whatever it is that is pushing me to give up my addiction to energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the emotions of resentment and hate are not real, but rather only withdrawl 'symptoms' or reactions to my cessation of the constant feeding of energy within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear experiencing what my mind is capable of, threrfore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own mind, my own creation.

If I fear my own creation I am essentially making it bigger than who I really am, giving it power over me, abdicating myself to it, allowing it to live thus enslaving myself to it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my resentment and frustration on to my husband instead of taking responsibility for it, thus separating myself from it, allwoing it to grow as if I had no control over it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my husband as a point of release and self-abdication within separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my husband as a point of blame and thus as an excuse for me to not move and direct myself within my own life and process.

I accept and allow myself to live without fearing taking self-responsibility.

I accept and allow myself to apply myself within my own process, stating clearly and publicly what I will and will not stand for, desptie whatever reactions might come up from others.

I allow myself to take full self-resonsibility for myself, and to remain accountible to myself within the understanding that each is in their own process and only I can influence me.

I am Here. I Stand. I breathe.