Inner-Peace as Suppression

Inner-Peace as Suppression

Self-forgiveness assists me to support myself to achieve an inner-silence or stillness that is different than anything I’ve ever experienced before. It’s different because I am, for the most part, in complete control of it. Meaning, I am completely responsible for it, and when intrusive thoughts start to appear, I see them for what they are. I see right through them and I know how to handle them. First, I choose not to participate with them as soon as they appear, I focus on my breath or my body or my physical surroundings (or all) and I keep myself Here in awareness. The thoughts that come usually carry with them some kind of emotional or feeling energy. Sometimes it’s stronger than others. When I notice it I’ll usually look at it to see what is it and where did it come from and why I may have brought it up. These questions can be answered by remembering self-forgiveness I have already done.  So, if it is for example, a thought about how my schoolwork is accumulating and I start to feel overwhelmed, I’ll recognize the pattern as self-sabotage where instead of starting to do my work I participate in overwhelming thoughts and sabotage myself from the start by procrastinating. This happens every time I have a big paper or exam and I procrastinate. I procrastinate because I feel overwhelmed and I don’t want to face it. But now, when I see the thought coming, and I look at it without participating in it, I see that it is ‘attached’ to this overwhelming feeling, so instead of participating within it and becoming overwhelmed, I simply stop it, breathe, and I get started on my work. Now I can use this particular pattern as a sign that I need to start working right away, or else I will sabotage myself and create a situation where everything is done at the last minute, and everything Is way more stressful than It needs to be. When I handle the situation this way I end up building self-confidence, self-reliance, self-trust, consistency, time management skills and so much more.

Self-forgiveness is like a skill in this way, or a tool. I use it when I’m interacting for example with children. Yesterday I was babysitting my niece and nephew, and they were tired so they were moody and acting up. It seemed as if every little thing would send one or the other into a tantrum. Instead of becoming frustrated and reacting by yelling or telling them to stop, I was able to clear my mind and contemplate how best to handle the situation or even realize what was causing the children themselves to react. I don’t always get it ‘right’, but it always turns out better than if I participate in the frustration, the anger, the impatience, and the lack of understanding that so often dominates interaction with emotional children.

The two scenarios I described are but two examples of the multitude of ways in which the practice of self-forgiveness has assisted and supported me in remaining quiet and stable within myself so that I can handle situations in Life without becoming influenced by the thoughts, feelings and emotions that so easily obscure common-sense. Handling situations in this way builds a stronger, more stable me that is capable of taking on Life no matter what comes my way. It is in these types of ways that I have proven to myself the effectiveness of self-forgiveness. But I also experience ‘negative’ proof of the effectiveness of self-forgiveness, and that is when I don’t do it regularly and I experience myself differently. When I don’t do self-forgiveness I start to get the mind chatter. I’m less aware of the thoughts I’m thinking and the emotion or feeling energy that is attached to them, so all of a sudden I am going through these ups and downs throughout my day and I have less of an idea why or how I am doing it to myself.

An example of this that I recently experienced was this past weekend when we had a house full of guests. There were twelve people here, plus two dogs that we’re dog-sitting (who can’t be together in the same room), plus I had to go to work and do my homework. I didn’t do any self-writing or self-forgiveness the whole time (using the excuse that I was too busy). I relied on past self-forgiveness, understanding and self-realizations as a platform of self-support to keep me stable throughout the experience, but along the way, many situations came up that I did not write out in order to get to the bottom of them, and instead I let myself ‘get away’ with them (instead of taking responsibility for them  by getting to the root of the problem within me and changing). I had reactions to people for not handling the children in the same way I would, I didn’t put aside enough time for my homework and fell behind, there were underlying stresses for me within my family, and other such things that can cause inner-irritation and dis-ease.

When everybody left I was exhausted, but I went up to my room to do my homework. I found it incredibly difficult- my head was full of accumulated thoughts, judgments and reactions from the weekend that I was allowing to distract me from my work and preoccupy me. This is when I tried to find ‘inner peace’ instead of using self-forgiveness. When I realized I couldn’t work effectively and I needed to do something I went to lay on the couch. I closed my eyes and I breathed. As everything started coming up I simply pushed it back down. I looked for a stillness or an ‘inner peace’ but what I was getting was suppression. I again used the excuse that I didn’t have time to write out self-forgiveness because I had to do my homework, so I did not understand the things I was feeling because I had not written them out. So instead of using the opportunity to look into these things that I am reacting to and figuring out why and how I can change me to handle them differently (in a way that supports me and assists me to move through experiences without accumulating inner dis-ease and turmoil), I simply lay down and tried to ignore them., I forced them down into myself so as not to have to deal with them. And that is how I found ‘inner-peace’. I closed my eyes and suppressed myself and in a sense, ‘shut my mind up’ forcibly, with no real understanding or realizations.

This is not growth, and it is not building self-confidence or self-trust. It is rather making the statement that I do not support me to stand up from within my self-created inner-experience, and instead I accept me as this self-defeat. Instead of bringing it out and untangling the mess I have created, I push it down and try to feel ‘okay’ with myself ‘the way I am’. But this ‘way’ that ‘I am’ is not the way nor the ‘I am’ that I accept or allow myself to be. However, in trying to find that ‘inner-peace’ despite the obvious inner turmoil and conflict, I am trying to force myself to ‘feel okay’ instead of taking responsibility for myself.

                The consequence of this suppression was later outbursts of frustration and anger towards little events that did not call for such reactions.  This is the polar-opposite experience of ‘inner-peace’. I experienced these outbursts (within myself towards my parents, for example, or the dogs, or my homework) because of my participation within the polarity of an ‘inner-peace’ that was not based on real ‘peace’ in terms of a self-confident understanding that I am directing myself and my world, but rather a state of self-suppression. As I have said: this is not real ‘peace’, it is escapism, trying to escape the world and everything in it, trying to hide myself instead of taking responsibility for myself in every moment. It can be tough sometimes (to take responsibility in every moment, write oneself out, do self-forgiveness, etc…), but the alternative is constantly moving between chaos and peace, and being a volatile person that can’t be trusted.  Living in a state of continued suppression is like living as a ticking time-bomb. I will not be that or expose anyone else to that.

I have ‘snapped’ before, in my life. I hit my dog once, years ago when he kept chasing skunks; I’ve said really mean things to people in moments of anger. Snapping or participating within these outbursts as a result of built up anger/frustration/irritation is never a beneficial thing. In fact, it is usually even more destructive. Finding ‘inner-peace’ within inner-conflict instead of taking it all out and facing it is destructive and harmful to oneself, and if continued suppression in the form of finding ‘inner-peace’ is used to deal with it, then that harmfulness and destructiveness will come out and effect those in one’s life and one’s world. At least this is how I’ve experienced it when I look back on my life. I have always regretted the things I have done in moments of anger and frustration. I lost a ‘best friend’ because of things I have said, and I have hurt people with my words. Finding ‘inner-peace’ is simply not an acceptable answer to life’s problems, in fact it is the opposite. It is suppression and it will come out somewhere, somehow, at a later time, and it will be an even bigger accumulation of emotional energy that will be regretted. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself in order to experience ‘inner peace’, instead of facing myself head on and addressing that which I am preoccupying myself with by doing self-forgiveness, either out loud or written, or at least making a note about it so I can do it when I have a chance.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself and push myself down within me instead of pulling myself out and dealing with my accepted and allowed thought patterns in order to deal with them and thus take steps towards full self-direction and self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself as procrastination because I ‘choose’ to fall in the face of the resistances I manifest for myself towards facing myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that ‘I’m too busy’ to avoid facing myself within and through writing self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘choose’ to fall in the face of self-created resistances instead of standing up for myself in every moment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate because it’s ‘easier’, instead of taking responsibility for myself. Within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that procrastination is easier when it is actually putting something off to accumulate and become bigger, harder and more complicated later.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manifest resistances towards  writing self-forgiveness and towards facing me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear facing me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take complete responsibility for myself and my world, by allowing my thoughts to direct me, instead of directing myself in the moment, and by suppressing me to face myself as a bigger problem later instead of facing myself in the moment.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of peace and conflict, and peace and chaos by participating in the chaos of a full house instead of breathing and focusing on staying present in awareness in every moment, then by searching for ‘inner peace’ as an ‘escape’, and then  afterwards by participating within and as the inner experience of ‘outbursts’ of frustration and anger towards small events in my life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to utilize the search for, or attempt at ‘inner peace’ as an escape, to escape from the consequences of my participation in all the energies of a family visit, and all the thoughts, feelings, emotions, judgments and reactions that I created and preoccupied myself with afterwards.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to search for or attempt to achieve ‘inner peace’ because of suppressed guilt for past actions.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to search for or attempt to achieve ‘inner peace’ because of my guilt for all the times I have reacted to and judged others during visits, and then accepting and allowing myself to participate within these judgments and reaction after they leave, instead of remaining present and aware during the visit and not participating in judgments and reactions, and also instead of realizing that the only judgment is self-judgment, and that is something I need to address within me, as me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to search for or attempt to manifest ‘inner peace’ instead of dealing with past guilt for all the times I participated in ‘outbursts’ of anger and frustration, wherein I said things I didn’t mean, or did things I knew I shouldn’t do, simply to release myself of my anger and frustration as an outward projection so that I ‘feel better’ in the moment. I realize that this is complete self-interest because that ‘feeling better’ is not real and is achieved at the expense of those around me. It is only temporary, and much like my participation within ‘inner peace’, it is an action that accumulates consequences and creates bigger problems for me to deal with. I realize I would rather take self-responsibility and deal with myself and my manifestations in the moment because that is the simplest and most efficient way to do it. I also realize that I would rather consider those around me as one with me, and take responsibility for myself instead of lashing out at those around me because I do not accept or allow myself to project my frustration and anger on to others because that is not a solution.

Redefining Words: Peace

Peace (+)

Quiet

Calm

Still

Nothingness

Alone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word peace with a positive charge/value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word ‘peace’ as good/right/positive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ by judging it as good/right/positive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘peace’ with the word ‘quiet’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘quiet’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ and from the word ‘quiet’ by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘quite’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word peace to the word ‘calm’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘calm’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace ‘ and from the word ‘calm’ by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘calm’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘peace’ with the word ‘still’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘still’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ and from the word ‘still’ by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘still’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘peace’ with the word ‘nothingness’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘nothingness’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ and from the word ‘nothingness’ by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘nothingness’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘peace’ with the word ‘alone’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘alone’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ and from the word’ alone’ by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘alone’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to

Peace- my current allocation:

Quiet, Calm, Still, Nothingness, Alone

Dictionary definition:

cessation of or freedom from any strife or dissension.

EXPAND

6.

freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety, an obsession, etc.; tranquillity; serenity.

7.

a state of tranquillity or serenity: May he rest in peace.

8.

a state or condition conducive to, proceeding from, or characterized by tranquillity: the peace of a mountain resort.

9.

silence; stillness: The cawing of a crow broke the afternoon's peace.

Although this definition looks attractive as an idea, it offers no practical way to achieve it within oneself.  

Sounds like: appease, wherein I appease myself within and through suppression to, for a moment, experience some kind of peace.

Or: piece, wherein only a ‘piece’ of me is peaceful, and so I focus only on that one piece instead of taking the entirety of myself into consideration.

So, my new definition for the word peace (with regards to, specifically, ‘inner-peace’) is:

Breathing as self in awareness, to remain self-honest within and through any and all situations and walking them through to stability. Finding practical solutions to problems/friction/conflict, and walking those solutions as the practical application of them as Who I Am.

Why I’m worth stopping obsessive patterns and disciplining myself in every moment.

                When I’m moving through my day without any structure imposed upon me I have the tendency to become ‘lazy’ with my application. This is really shitty and hard for me to admit, because when I have a job or a deadline, I’m usually really good at moving myself. But when I have nothing but me to push me and move me, I’ve noticed I can get sloppy. The consequences of this are that I end up not having time to do all the things I want to do.

                But why bother? Why should I stop and face myself, when I can dilly-dally the day away without any real or immediate consequence.

First of all, I already see the self-deception and self-manipulation within the sentence ‘without any real or immediate consequences,” because I know very well that the consequences are very real and immediate. So reason number one is to avoid unnecessary consequences. The consequences are self-sabotage, wherein I take step backwards and ‘undo’ my progress. There’s also the physical damage I am doing to my skin, plus, the desire to pick it becomes greater when I’m not disciplined with me, because it stresses me out when I show myself that I’m not willing to do this for me.

                It’s like when dogs get stressed out because there’s no alpha to keep them in line. I need to be my own alpha! It’s not easy, at all, but I  am all I have, so if I can’t do this for myself then I am making the statement that I am nothing, I am not worth it, and I don’t deserve it. The truth is, I have been living within and as those beliefs for a while now, and it fucking sucks. It really has the potential to become a living hell, when all you do is compromise yourself and diminish yourself in this way, as I have done, or taught myself to do to cope with Life.

                But the thing is, I am Here, existing, living, doing, being- and nothing’s going to just magically change. I have to change me, therefore, I have to be the directive principle and lead myself to change, which involves discipline and structure. In this way, the ends and the means are the same thing, and it all leads to my own inner peace, as well as strength and stability, self-trust which creates confidence, integrity. Self-honesty which creates clarity and space within me.

                I actually enjoy my experience of myself when I do these things for me, so I am at the same time creating a self that is worth facing myself for. In facing myself and changing, I am creating a self that is worthy, that is deserving and a self that is everything really, because me, myself, is everything of me. So, why push myself to discipline myself and gain structure and self-movement? Because it gives me my life back and it creates me as an actual enjoyable experience of myself, which I had lost for a while there. Now I’m taking it back, and at the same time, giving it back to me because only I can separate myself like that. In this way, I am giving myself the gift of Life, which I am worthy of, which I deserve and which I am already.
Self first, because if we don't have ouselves, we have nothing.

               

How I Was Able To Hear the Desteni Message

                I’m actually very surprised that I was able to hear the Desteni message with such an immediate acceptance and understanding. I am surprised because before Desteni, not only did I have no beliefs in any form of religion, spirituality or supernatural phenomena, but I thought those who did were crazy. I felt most things could be pretty well explained in a reasonable and logical way, and those things that couldn’t were too few to count and were just freak occurrences or anomalies.

                But these freak occurrences and anomalies intrigued me, because if reality was the way I believed it to be- then they shouldn’t occur at all. So a part of me remained open to the possible existence of something more, and my intrigue led me to investigate the unexplainable, because it was messing with my worldview.

                I tried really hard to believe in something spiritual, something occult, or ‘something more,’ but every attempt I made just proved to me that it was all a sham. A couple experiences I can remember are playing Ouija with some friends. I just knew one of them was pushing the little thingie to spell out the name of another of mine friend whose father had just passed away. That friend was convinced that it was real and she got really scared. Another time a friend of mine convinced me to go to a psychic because he had gone and had been convinced that she was reading his present and future situation. He even told me that she said stuff about me, so I went. I didn’t tell the psychic that my friend had just gone the day before and the she had told him things about me and our future together. She read my palm and told me an entirely different story, and nothing was accurate and I left feeling mostly just ripped off. Experiences such as these showed me how easily people can develop beliefs and be misled by others, so I developed a skepticism about such things.

                In terms of religion- I went to church when I was younger, but at that age I was very shy. I was picked on at school and I had very bad experiences with teachers. I found my place with animals and in nature- things which, to me, were real and filled with what I experienced as ‘love,’ acceptance, understanding, ‘joy,’ fun, excitement- everything worth living for. I found the human world devoid of these things and actually rather hostile. I found the teachings of Jesus and god’s supposed creation in nature and the animals and not in people, but at church these things were not given any significance or any attention whatsoever. Also, religion was so boring- how could it be the explanation of existence- which is full of wonder and mystery?

                This is of course from a child’s perspective. But later on I saw movies about brutal missionaries, I learned about what the catholics did to the aboriginal people in my own country, and I learned about wars in the name of religion. To me it was just more people believing in something that’s not real, and people just being really mean and shitty towards each other, just like people were mean and shitty towards me. But I didn’t experience anger and hate towards these people like god apparently did when he would send them to hell. No one deserves that. So I just couldn’t possibly relate to any of it, and nothing made sense.

                I was never actually exposed to any spirituality. I met self-proclaimed spiritual people along the way, they always seemed happy. Too happy. My experience of the world was confusing and scary, yet they seemed to have it all figured out, and in a way that didn’t include me. They were in their own little bubbles. Again- I felt they were believing in something by choice, and not because it was real, just as I had seen good friends of mine do, such as with the Ouija board and the psychic.

                I first started noticing something was wrong when I began observing the general disregard for animals and nature. When my family got our first dog we had to choose one from the hundreds of dogs at the shelter who were crying for help. I didn’t understand how or why people allowed this to be this way. I was just a child, and I thought ‘grown ups’ were supposed to know how to fix problems, and here was a huge and horrible problem, but everybody acted like it was normal.

                With regards to nature- I lived in a city, but my dad had built a cottage on a lake. It was like a dream come true for me to go there and spend time in the woods- mostly alone, but also with friends and family. I just loved exploring and discovering new animals like frogs and salamanders, and sometimes there would be animal tracks or carcasses and I could get a close up look at them. I couldn’t understand how any person would design a city such as the one I lived in, without leaving any room for nature. And why people would spend all day in these big boring buildings with nothing to explore or discover. There were hardly any animals, and the ones that were around were hungry and scared. I’d see them dead on the side of the road along with the garbage; I’d see animals with mange, and no one to help them. At a young age I had travelled to Cuba and Belize with my family. I saw kids younger than me begging in the streets, and homeless starving dogs everywhere. When I got home I saw that the community I lived in was nice, but what about everything else I had become aware of? Where was god? Where was purpose?

                This was all before I became old enough to begin to see that I was actually living in the most privileged part of the world, and I began learning about poverty, factory farms, the leather industry, deforestation, water pollution, drag-net fishing- all of it just the tip of this never ending iceberg of horror. So this feeling of ‘what the fuck is going on here’ just amplified. But I grew older and started becoming distracted by a social life and boys and I began drinking and experimenting with drugs. I started changing who I was so that I would be accepted into social groups and I started trying to forget about the bad stuff in the world. But within this I became very unhappy and full of stress and anxiety.

 I got married and moved from Canada to Vermont in the U.S. My husband and I lived in a poor area where people were on welfare. I had come from a middle class family and now I lived next to poverty and I began to see how close it was to home. My husband worked in government housing and he would tell me about the corruption he saw within the system. We were really broke during my process of immigration and I felt very disempowered and loaded with money stresses. That’s when I began to look for an answer. I decided “this is it: I am open to anything. I am young, able-bodied, and ready to do something.”

I enrolled in the local community college and started taking classes in all subjects I thought could provide a solution. But everywhere I turned all I found was dysfunction. In environmental science I saw only partial solutions, leaving out huge problems. I saw green-solutions that were plagued with pathologies: ‘green’ companies unable to compete with polluting and destructive corporations, local farming and farmers markets selling good healthy organic food that neither I nor any of my neighbors could afford, and an alternative energy sector that was a patchwork of under-funding and unaffordable technology.

 In psychology I found no cures, pharmaceutical companies on a rampage, and no jobs for a girl like me who could only afford a BA at a community college. I saw kids from rich families going to the big universities in my neighborhood- $40 000 a year for the program I would have chosen to attend at the University of Vermont. How could I expect to compete with that? On top of that, I found dysfunction within myself as well. As I tried to develop a social life I realized that I was unable to relate to those around me, and I was also uncomfortable with who I had become as a personality and I had social anxiety.

                When I got my green card I gave up on school and began to look for a solution in my working life. I worked at a ‘green’ restaurant and at a senior’s residence with the idea that I could become a nurse and at least help some people- maybe get some skills that would further me somehow. But all I got was minimum wage, and my husband and I worked full-time just to keep our heads above water. Rent was expensive, we had some debt, our car was breaking down, bills kept getting higher but our pay stayed the same. We were slaves to the system.

                Our big break came when Toyota had a recall on the Tacoma model truck, which we owned- they had faulty frames that collected salt from the roads which would rust them right through. Trucks began snapping in half mid-drive, sometimes cutting the break lines. We got 150% of the Kelly Blue Book value for our truck that was barely running. We would have had to pay someone to take it off our hands, but instead we got 9000$ for it. We got a new car and we got the hell out of Vermont. We moved to Maine and that’s where I discovered Desteni three years ago.

                I can’t remember the first video I saw, but I remember it spoke to the fact that I, as an individual, had the power to change, not only myself- but the world. I learned that I would have to work within a group and deal with my own dysfunction  to do so. I watched videos and I read the writings of people who were applying self-forgiveness. They were using this tool along with some others to change themselves and overcome things like social anxiety and depression. When I read their writing it was like I had written it myself, their problems and issues were just like mine, but they were overcoming them! They weren’t asking me for money, and they weren’t asking me to believe in something religious or spiritual, they weren’t asking me to believe anything. They were presenting me with a way to empower myself and actually stand up and voice myself, and to speak about the problems I had been observing my whole life.

                Desteni explained everything: about how greed and self-interest cause the problems we see today, about how money controls everything, about how humans distract themselves with religion, spirituality and other beliefs so as not to have to face themselves and the world. How the mind creates habits and patterns that trap us and bring us down to that point of giving up. How Life is actually Here with us, but we are too busy in our minds to see it or even realize it within ourselves. But Desteni didn’t only point out the problems- the problems are blatantly obvious once you just open your eyes. What is different about Desteni is that it offers tools anyone can use to take back control of our lives, to take the wheel and direct our world to where we want it to be. So that’s what I did.

                I began writing self-forgiveness, investigating the material like crazy, and after a year I finally built up the courage to participate on the forums. I got support there from those who had been applying the tools already. I received support that I could actually apply in my Life. I did the work, I created space within me, I got better at moving myself instead of losing myself in my mind of anxiety, fear, stress and insecurity, and I got real. I got my driver’s license which gave me more independence, I began taking responsibility for myself within my relationships. I shaved my head, I started making some videos and writing and becoming ‘visible’ and public with my process and I am still working at that.

                The biggest challenged I faced has been going back to school. Desteni taught me to fearlessly utilize whatever resources I had available to further myself and become more stable and effective within the system instead of just being a slave. So I applied for a university back in my home town where the school is cheaper but has a better reputation. It’s cheaper because it’s back in Canada, so I moved back. Now my husband and I live far apart while I get my degree in politics. I’m doing very well at school and I’m working my ass off for it. I’m still very new in my process and I’m pushing myself more than I ever thought possible. I’ve become so comfortable speaking up that I have to now keep my mouth shut in class sometimes because I talk too much! I am at complete ease in social situations and I actually look forward to seeing old friends, hanging out with my husband’s friends and meeting new people. I stopped drinking and smoking pot about a year ago, and I’m much better at staying on top of keeping my shit together so to speak- in terms of money, responsibilities and just staying calm about everything and directing myself instead of reacting to things.

                I’ve definitely got a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG way to go, I have a LOT of things on my list to change about myself: I still have anxiety and stress, it just doesn’t stop me anymore. I’m working on that stuff still, and there’s room for improvement, in fact, ‘that’s the biggest room there is’. But I no more feel as if the world is just a confusing mess with no solution. I have been spending my whole Life trying to work towards a solution and an understanding and only ever hitting dead ends. Desteni has taught me that walls are made to walk through, so that’s what I’m going to do while I continue to work towards a solution: the Equal Money System. Only the path towards this solution is one of self-realization, self-expansion and self-empowerment, so I’m actually getting back so much more than I am giving to help realize this new economic system. I’d like to change that to an equation of equality, by further empowering myself to be able to do more for the Equal Money Solution, because why would I do anything else?

Replacing Bi-Polar Tendencies With Stability

Today is my ‘get my shit back together’ day, which is cool. It’s when I ‘get back on track’ clean myself up, discipline my eating, clean up my work-space and get to work. This type of day is starting to feel familiar, and that’s great, except for two things that I am now making myself officially aware of.  Number one is that when I feel myself going ‘up’ like this I have the tendency to let it get too high, wherein I become out of control, and number two is the inevitable crash afterwards, so it’s a pattern. I can see that what led up to this type of day (my ‘get my shit back together’ day) was the opposite type of day. For the past 3 or 4 days I have felt heavy, sloppy, on the verge of being overwhelmed by life, and foul. I was pissed off at my sluggishness and my inability to move myself effectively. This pattern used to last months, and then weeks, and now mere days, so I can see the compression as I’m being spiralled into facing myself head on. I am ready. I even felt ready while I was going through it these past few days: telling myself to stand up from within it, to direct myself from within the sluggishness, the foulness, the overwhelming-ness... and I did, the ‘low’ still felt really low, but I managed to get some stuff done and move myself despite the way I felt inside. Wherein I used to fall completely into the overwhelming-ness, I now simply teeter on the edge of it, realizing it has been my choice to ‘go there’ all along. I’m not helpless in this regard, I do not have to go there at all. I’ve been working on this pattern and as I continue to do so one thing becomes more and more clear with regards to bringing myself into these crashes: there’s no point in going there. It is unnecessary self-imposed hardships that result from the self-allowance of participation in energetic polarities.

Presently:  I see that I bounce back and forth  between these two extremes. At once I feel completely in control and on top of everything, and then I’m like a teenager again- angry and irresponsible. Presently I see myself about to go up. I keep in mind that when I’m on the upswing I tend to go too high, thinking and believing that I’ve finally done it- changed myself and now everything is going to be good and I’m in total control. And then I over-do it. I start many projects and I try to get everything done, but what happens is- it never ends. I can’t stay up in that high for an extended amount of time, so I’m going to come down, and that ‘coming down’ will be proportional to how high I let myself get.

Self-Correction:  When I am on that upswing, I remind myself that the goal isn’t to just ‘go with it’ and feed it and become all super-human, because it won’t last. When I feel myself going ‘up’ I breathe through the desire to feed it and go with it because that is an addiction to a bi-polar pattern that I will direct myself to replace with stability. Within understanding myself in this regard, I see this pattern and I direct myself to apply self-will and self-directive principle to remain in common sense and practical application instead of entering into a mind possession high wherein I set myself up for a proportional fall. Common sense and practical application here refers to taking one thing at a time and doing it properly. Not starting many things thus setting myself up to burn out. It’s cool that I’m back from my previous fall, but I need to be stable now and realize that today is just one day, I don’t need to get everything done, just the things that make the most sense. I can leave some stuff for tomorrow so that I slowly accumulate my self-directive principle and stability instead of feeding the tendencies of bi-polar disorder.