Why I’m worth stopping obsessive patterns and disciplining myself in every moment.

                When I’m moving through my day without any structure imposed upon me I have the tendency to become ‘lazy’ with my application. This is really shitty and hard for me to admit, because when I have a job or a deadline, I’m usually really good at moving myself. But when I have nothing but me to push me and move me, I’ve noticed I can get sloppy. The consequences of this are that I end up not having time to do all the things I want to do.

                But why bother? Why should I stop and face myself, when I can dilly-dally the day away without any real or immediate consequence.

First of all, I already see the self-deception and self-manipulation within the sentence ‘without any real or immediate consequences,” because I know very well that the consequences are very real and immediate. So reason number one is to avoid unnecessary consequences. The consequences are self-sabotage, wherein I take step backwards and ‘undo’ my progress. There’s also the physical damage I am doing to my skin, plus, the desire to pick it becomes greater when I’m not disciplined with me, because it stresses me out when I show myself that I’m not willing to do this for me.

                It’s like when dogs get stressed out because there’s no alpha to keep them in line. I need to be my own alpha! It’s not easy, at all, but I  am all I have, so if I can’t do this for myself then I am making the statement that I am nothing, I am not worth it, and I don’t deserve it. The truth is, I have been living within and as those beliefs for a while now, and it fucking sucks. It really has the potential to become a living hell, when all you do is compromise yourself and diminish yourself in this way, as I have done, or taught myself to do to cope with Life.

                But the thing is, I am Here, existing, living, doing, being- and nothing’s going to just magically change. I have to change me, therefore, I have to be the directive principle and lead myself to change, which involves discipline and structure. In this way, the ends and the means are the same thing, and it all leads to my own inner peace, as well as strength and stability, self-trust which creates confidence, integrity. Self-honesty which creates clarity and space within me.

                I actually enjoy my experience of myself when I do these things for me, so I am at the same time creating a self that is worth facing myself for. In facing myself and changing, I am creating a self that is worthy, that is deserving and a self that is everything really, because me, myself, is everything of me. So, why push myself to discipline myself and gain structure and self-movement? Because it gives me my life back and it creates me as an actual enjoyable experience of myself, which I had lost for a while there. Now I’m taking it back, and at the same time, giving it back to me because only I can separate myself like that. In this way, I am giving myself the gift of Life, which I am worthy of, which I deserve and which I am already.
Self first, because if we don't have ouselves, we have nothing.

               

Stopping My Reaction to Disagreement - Learning to Live as an Equal

I want to write out the point that caused me to react when an individual responded to my blog.

I felt scared, fear, why?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into a fear-based reaction when I saw that someone had responded a long response to my blog.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear a being’s reaction to my blog because it all of a sudden made it ‘real’, as in, something I had to stand by.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear standing by my words as an act of self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility for myself in every moment/every way.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to write a blog and post it without first checking to see if I can stand by each word and statement within it. And, if I did check, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-doubt, wherein I allowed myself to doubt my words, my principles and my understanding of the system. I stand within and as self-responsibility within knowing that if I am ever wrong I will stand corrected, because my goal is not to be right, it is to understand, to become equal and one to the reality that is here within that understanding, and that will involve learning things for the first time, which inevitably means I will be wrong about things.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being wrong about things, instead of realizing that I am in a learning process.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to learn within and as and according to myself as ego, instead of realizing that only myself as ego gets hurt and bruised, and within that I ‘get in the way’ of learning as one and equal to the information that is here.

Within this statement I see a belief or perception of myself as ‘already knowing’, or even superiority, because if I fear being ‘knocked down’ it means I hold the idea, perception or belief that I am ‘up’ ‘above’, because only then can I believe I am able to be knocked down.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am diminished if I am wrong.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I can be diminished/diminish myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being wrong for fear of losing my credibility.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a personality that requires credibility to exist, when in fact I am Here, unquestionably existing. Only something that is not real, such as a created personality, requires being credible/believed by others. If I feel the need to convince others into believing something about me/of me, then that is deception indicating I am not already living it into reality/myself as the living application.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live myself out as personalities that are not real and require me to act in ways that I perceive are ‘credible’ to others outside of me, instead of making myself real through the directed living application of the principles I stand by.

In this way, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use deception to create and feed the personalities I live within and as.

I allow myself to let go of these created personality manifestations and to instead live Here, real, physical.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I am ‘already knowing’, thus separating myself within and as knowledge and information which I believe myself to possess.

I realize that I only truly ‘know’ that which I have understood and lived into application through my action/living application in the physical.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive myself to be superior because of knowledge that I have collected and gathered as if it were a possession.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by my possession of knowledge, within which I believe myself to be superior to another, instead of realizing that nobody is above anybody else, we are one group, and we are all equal in the physical.

I allow myself to be the humility required to exist one and equal to what’s Here.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that knowledge and information is something tangible that I can possess to make me more than I am.

I realize that in holding the belief that ‘I can be more’ necessarily implies that I believe myself to be less -than.

I allow myself to be what I am, Here in the physical, and to let go of the energetic desire to be more than what I am, and to let go of the energetic belief that I am less than what I am. What I am is a physical being, Here.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that being a physical being Here is limited, because of the experience of the unlimited indulgence of the mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that the mind of thoughts, feeling and emotions is unlimited.

I realize that the mind limits me in physical reality, because within its limitlessness I get lost, and I avoid facing me Here, and I also use it to avoid facing reality. It is only an illusion which I make real by believing, while actual reality passes by in each breath.

Back to the main point:

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be/become intimidated by the reply to my blog because it was written intelligently/intellectually/elitist/academically and it made me feel inferior.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am not able to understand things that are written is a certain specific way that I judge them as ‘too confusing’ or ‘too intelligent’ for me to understand.

I realize that with time and patience I am able to understand even very complex concepts.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be/become intimidated by intellectuals because I feel inferior to them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself separate myself by defining some as intellectual and others as not intellectual, and I’ve placed value judgments on each.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity of intellectual/un-intellectual, thus creating friction and energy within me as I bounce back and forth within fear, desire and judgment/self-judgment.

I realize we are all simply Here, we understand what we can, we do as much as we practically can with what we are given/born with. Within this limitation we are equal, we are equally limited by the physical.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear people attacking or disagreeing with me, within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict in my world.

I do not accept or allow myself to take criticism, disagreement or ‘attacks’ personally.

I allow myself to understand that it is not about me, only that which I react to is about me and the acceptances and allowances I have not faced, that which others react to is about them.

I do not accept or allow myself to judge others that do not agree with me.

I do not accept or allow myself to think, believe or perceive myself to be superior to any being ever.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe or perceive myself to be inferior to any being ever.

When I am disagreed with or confronted I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that reacting to the ‘conflict’ is in fact creating it, and I instead allow myself to be one and equal to the conflict within not resisting it, and by listening to and understanding both sides, and looking for practical solutions that are best for all. Within this, conflict can be diffused. Where conflict cannot be diffused, I simply do not participate.

Releasing My Self-Definitions

In walking 'backwards through time' to see/realize /understand how I have created myself as who and how I am through the layering of acceptances and allowances of past memories, thoughts, feelings, emotions, experiences etc.... I have decided to walk through some of the main ways in which I have defined myself.

I'm starting with beauty because I've noticed, now that I'm back in a busy city, that I am experiencing self-judgment about my appearance. When I used to live in the city, I worked at a bar. I dressed to impress, seduce, entice, invite etc... because I was working for tips. I got a lot of attention from men through the bartender- customer dynamic and have developed many beliefs and self-definitions which I need to now walk through and let go.

With the self-definition of beauty I have found the eternal search for recognition and reconfirmation from others of everything I have associated with 'what it means to be beautiful'. I'm done with endless searches now as only I can recognize and confirm myself, and the only valid recognition and confirmation is within understanding/realizing/being and becoming oneness and equality with and as all Life.

I will begin with purifying the word and re-defining it, and then forgiving myself of all the ways in which I have lived and separated myself through living my beliefs and perceptions of beauty.

Purifying Beautiful:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word beautiful with a positive/good charge/value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘beautiful’ to a positive or good polarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe or think that to be beautiful is good or positive, and to be ugly is bad or negative.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect to word beautiful to the word feminine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word
feminine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful and from the word feminine by defining the word beautiful within the word feminine in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word beautiful to the word successful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word successful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful and from the word successful by defining the word beautiful within the word success, or successful, in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word beautiful to the word special.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word special.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful and from the word special, by defining the word beautiful within the word special in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word beautiful to the word important.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word important.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful and from the word important by defining the word beautiful within the word important in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word beautiful to the word popular.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word popular.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful and from the word popular by defining the word beautiful within the word popular in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word beautiful to the word happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful
and from the word happy by defining the word beautiful within the word happy in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word beauty to the word resent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word resent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful and from the word resentment by defining the word beautiful within the word resentment in separation of myself.

Dictionary definition:
adjective
1.
having beauty; having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind: a beautiful dress; a beautiful speech.
2.
excellent of its kind: a beautiful putt on the seventh hole; The chef served us a beautiful roast of beef.
3.
wonderful; very pleasing or satisfying.

Sounds like: BE YoU To the FULLest

New Definition:
Beautiful: 1)wonderful, very pleasing or satisfying to be one’s self as one’s full self expression within presence and awareness, Here, with and as, and within consideration of all of Life. 2) to be and become one’s self-expression within self-mastery, self-acceptance, self-forgiveness and self-love, to the fullest extent is to be satisfaction and to be great pleasure. 3) To be and become excellence as full self-expression, as self-perfection, as who one is as Life.

SF on Beauty:
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself within the want, need and desire to be perceived as beautiful or pretty.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that beautiful people are more important , and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that beautiful people count more, and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to that beautiful people are more exceptional and valuable, therefore, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire to be beautiful so that I can ‘feel’ more important, think/believe and perceive that I count more oram more exceptional and valuable than the rest of life, instead of realizing/seeing/understanding that beauty it a construct of society that is not real/not based in anything real, and it supports inequality and does not take into consideration what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try/need to/desire to manipulate men and women with my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel important because I define myself as or perceive my human physical body as desireable/desired/envied.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from life by defining myself within the mind, and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need or desire to perceive myself as ‘more-than’ the rest of life, instead of realizing and seeing my oneness and equality to all that is here.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the energetic polarity of positive beauty and negative ugliness.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity of important/unimportant, by viewing some humans as more important than others based on their appearance. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that more beautiful human beings are more important. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that more beautiful human beings are more valuable human beings. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think believe or perceive that what I’ve defined as ‘more beautiful’ human beings are more exceptional human beings. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity of exceptional/unexceptional by believing some human beings are more exceptional then others.

Nobody is an exception from Life, we are all one and equal within and as Life.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to value myself unconditionally, but instead have focused on my strengths and weaknesses.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize my unconditional worth as Life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire people to look at me and give me attention, so that I can think, believe or perceive that they are judging me as beautiful, important, exceptional and more-than others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire others to perceive me as beautiful.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need or desire others to perceive me as valuable.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my self-value by wanting, needing and desiring others to perceive me as valuable.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire others to perceive my as exceptional.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire others to perceive me as more than.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to value myself and realize my importance thus within this separation I’ve developed the habit of seeking my self-importance and my self-value in the glances of others, wherein I project my own judgment of beauty and its qualities and project it back to myself through my interpretation of their glances and looks.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as unexceptional and less-than, therefore I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to seek the polarity opposite as exceptional and more-than within my projected self-judgement through and as the judgement of myself through and as others as beautiful.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to men and women by needing them to think I am beautiful to confirm my self-definition as ego.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself by defining myself as beautiful.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place worth or value in beauty as appearance, so I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my worth and value by placing it in my appearance and the judgment of other’s based on my appearance, thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to depend upon others judgment to believe I have self worth and value, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that my self-value and self-worth is within me as who I am as Life, and not in who I’ve defined myself as within ego and self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as pretty.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as important.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire special treatment from others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire flattery from others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as special and unspecial.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, through separation, seek special treatment and flattery from others to manipulate my inner experience of myself, instead of realizing my wholeness as life, as here within breath.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give away my power by wanting, needing and desiring flattery and special treatment from others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to depend upon others to make me feel ‘good’ and whole, instead of standing up as who I am as life regardless of my inner experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the deception of the mind by believing my thoughts, feelings and emotions are who I am, thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to depend upon my thoughts, feelings and emotions to tell me who I am instead of realizing they are not me, they are mind and ego, and mind and ego are not Life, and I stand up from within and as mind and ego as who I am as Life.

I do not accept or allow myself to participate within and as the energetic polarities of beauty/ugliness, special/unspecial, worth/worthless, important/unimportant, exceptional/unexceptional, good/bad.

I do not accept or allow myself to feed the mind as energy by participating within and as the polarities of the mind.

I do not accept or allow myself to separate myself through self-judgment.

I do not accept or allow myself to seek myself, my self-worth and my wholeness from/within others outside myself in separation of me.

I do not accept or allow myself to participate in self-judgment or the judgment of others.

I do not accept or allow myself to participate within the beauty demon of the mind.

I do not accept or allow myself to seek to be more than who I am , or more than others.

I accept and allow myself to be, see and realize my self-worth, my wholeness and my self-expression as who I am as Life.

I accept and allow myself to take myself back from and as that which I have used to separate myself with and as.

I accept and allow myself to realize and see my unconditional worth and value as life

Replacing Bi-Polar Tendencies With Stability

Today is my ‘get my shit back together’ day, which is cool. It’s when I ‘get back on track’ clean myself up, discipline my eating, clean up my work-space and get to work. This type of day is starting to feel familiar, and that’s great, except for two things that I am now making myself officially aware of.  Number one is that when I feel myself going ‘up’ like this I have the tendency to let it get too high, wherein I become out of control, and number two is the inevitable crash afterwards, so it’s a pattern. I can see that what led up to this type of day (my ‘get my shit back together’ day) was the opposite type of day. For the past 3 or 4 days I have felt heavy, sloppy, on the verge of being overwhelmed by life, and foul. I was pissed off at my sluggishness and my inability to move myself effectively. This pattern used to last months, and then weeks, and now mere days, so I can see the compression as I’m being spiralled into facing myself head on. I am ready. I even felt ready while I was going through it these past few days: telling myself to stand up from within it, to direct myself from within the sluggishness, the foulness, the overwhelming-ness... and I did, the ‘low’ still felt really low, but I managed to get some stuff done and move myself despite the way I felt inside. Wherein I used to fall completely into the overwhelming-ness, I now simply teeter on the edge of it, realizing it has been my choice to ‘go there’ all along. I’m not helpless in this regard, I do not have to go there at all. I’ve been working on this pattern and as I continue to do so one thing becomes more and more clear with regards to bringing myself into these crashes: there’s no point in going there. It is unnecessary self-imposed hardships that result from the self-allowance of participation in energetic polarities.

Presently:  I see that I bounce back and forth  between these two extremes. At once I feel completely in control and on top of everything, and then I’m like a teenager again- angry and irresponsible. Presently I see myself about to go up. I keep in mind that when I’m on the upswing I tend to go too high, thinking and believing that I’ve finally done it- changed myself and now everything is going to be good and I’m in total control. And then I over-do it. I start many projects and I try to get everything done, but what happens is- it never ends. I can’t stay up in that high for an extended amount of time, so I’m going to come down, and that ‘coming down’ will be proportional to how high I let myself get.

Self-Correction:  When I am on that upswing, I remind myself that the goal isn’t to just ‘go with it’ and feed it and become all super-human, because it won’t last. When I feel myself going ‘up’ I breathe through the desire to feed it and go with it because that is an addiction to a bi-polar pattern that I will direct myself to replace with stability. Within understanding myself in this regard, I see this pattern and I direct myself to apply self-will and self-directive principle to remain in common sense and practical application instead of entering into a mind possession high wherein I set myself up for a proportional fall. Common sense and practical application here refers to taking one thing at a time and doing it properly. Not starting many things thus setting myself up to burn out. It’s cool that I’m back from my previous fall, but I need to be stable now and realize that today is just one day, I don’t need to get everything done, just the things that make the most sense. I can leave some stuff for tomorrow so that I slowly accumulate my self-directive principle and stability instead of feeding the tendencies of bi-polar disorder.

Facing Life

Today I did not set an alarm to wake up because I am still feeling sick from my cold. When I got up I noticed the experience of too-much-ness which I have been experiencing over the past few months as overwhelmingness. During the summer I had been brought to tears from it several times, but now that I’ve listened to Bernard’s interview about this specific experience I understand it is the accumulation of attention towards a particular point. In my case I know that the points I had been working on were focus, self-discipline, time-management and of course, self-directive. These points have been extreme problems in my life in the form of avoiding them, evading them, so it’s a big shift for me to start incorporating them into my living application. I have had much resistance and physical discomfort as I have been working on these points, as well as emotional discomfort in the form of this overwhelming sensation wherein ‘it’s just all too much’. But I’ve gotten through that now and I am coming out on the other side of it with more determination and, as Bernard mentioned, a new perspective or point of view on this experience, and on what leads up to it and how it plays out for me.

My new perspective on this is that I now look at life, or my current experience in terms of the bigger picture. I noticed throughout this that I would normally tend to focus on all the tiny details and obsess over them and I tend to miss the bigger pattern or the bigger goal of what it is that I’m doing.

Within this, when I feel myself being pulled into the experience of being overwhelmed I stop myself immediately by concentrating on my breath and becoming aware of my physical body until my heart starts beating normally. This calms me down, whereas before I would, in a way ‘go with it’ and everything would seem to be happening very fast and I would feel that I couldn’t keep up. I would try to do everything right away and would always end up at the same spot: exhausted, usually sick, tired and feeling like I can’t do it. Feeling like I can’t keep up and I want to give up and I start letting things go and start falling behind etc... This pattern explains the tendency to start projects really strongly and then fizzle out toward the end, and then go into some sort of death throws just to survive and complete the task- whether it be school or a job or whatever. It’s really a very unpleasant experience and therefore I’m determined to correct it so I can stop beating myself up and no longer abuse myself in this way anymore.

Also within all this is the realization that I can only effectively accumulate myself, my self-will, self-discipline, self-directive principle (which will lead to better focus, better time management, and better self-movement) slowly over time. I can’t exert all my energy and completely wipe myself out and expect myself to gain any kind of effective self-support and self-trust this way. It’s more like self-sabotage.so I realize that to take it easy on myself is not to be lazy, but to first of all not let myself go into an experience of anxiety, stress and overwhelmingness, but to instead ‘check myself’ in breath. When I do this I calm down to a point of clarity wherein I can ask myself ‘what do I really need to do right now’ and then ‘am I capable of doing this effectively’ meaning, doing it with my all, complete focus and stability. If not, then I need to take care of myself like sit down and breathe or eat or drink something or simply stop and change environments and do something else.

Secondly, when I do decide within calmness and clarity, to do something, I commit to doing it fully. Today I experienced resistance to this type of situation in class. I have decided to take fewer longer classes instead of many short classes. This means paying attention and keeping my focus for 2 and a half hours at a time. This is very difficult for me and I experience the physical resistance to it as physical discomfort and I also become easily distracted.

The pattern I’m breaking here is the desire to get lost in my own ‘little world’ in my head, which I used to do every day in class since I was very young. I would draw or play in my desk. Now I listen, try to understand and try to take good notes. But it’s still hard at the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel seduced by the desire to escape into my mind in class when I need to instead focus and remain present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become easily distracted instead of remaining present and aware for the complete duration of the class, so that I can understand the material, do well, and be effective in the system.

 I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to exercise the will power and self-discipline to keep myself ‘in line’ while I’m in class, and instead waste my time by doodling and fantasizing about things that I don’t even remember.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be seduced by my fantasies because they seem so interesting and so much more interesting than the lecture when in fact they are not that interesting but rather variations of the same old fantasies I’ve been having for years. They go nowhere, they’re good for nothing and they’re a waste of my time when I should be learning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the classroom experience as boring and unbearable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the classroom experience as boring and unbearable because I’m trying to escape taking responsibility for my own learning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the classroom experience as boring and unbearable because it hard. It’s hard to learn new things and it;s hard to discipline myself and stay focused and integrate new information into my understanding of myself and my world, and thus far I have been lazy, which is what has made it all ‘hard’.

In reality it’s not hard, it just is. There is no value judgment for me to place on my daily experience, only whether I am applying myself fully-or not. When I am applying myself I face resistances, which make the experience seem ‘hard’ simply because it’s not easy and comfortable to change oneself and one’s patterns, habits, addictions, beliefs and definition.

 So it’s not that any of this is hard, it’s just that it’s uncomfortable and new. And what I’ve learned thus far in my process is that I can just focus on my breath during and throughout that discomfort and it will fade. The energy will eventually run out and I will remain, I will return to stability in the end, and with my focus and determination and my application of breath, I can remain stable throughout the experience as well.

So I allow myself to remain dedicated to my process and myself by remaining focused and fully present throughout the duration of my classes.

I do not accept or allow myself to be seduced by my thoughts and fantasies and desire to doodle and escape pushing myself through willing myself to focus and remain present throughout my classes’ duration.

Also, a few pointers to myself on a side note-

I noticed that I become distracted and brought into an energetic experience of self judgement when I look at all the students and pedestrians in and around school, on public transportation and on the shuttle bus etc...

-          In this respect I will work on not reacting to all the many people around me and rather focus on the bigger picture: why am I here, what am I doing right now to achieve that goal? Am I being the most effective I can be while taking it easy on myself? Am I being self honest? What am I standing as as an example right now in this moment? And Am I present?

-         

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at other students and people and judge what they are wearing and compare myself to them in self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other people based on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as others based on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by placing value on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself in my mind of judgment when I look at people around me instead of remaining present as breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape facing myself as who I am as life by going into my mind by placing importance on the physical appearance of things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people’s motivations for what they choose to wear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my motivations for what I choose to wear to come from a starting point of fear of judgment or of self-interest instead of just dressing practically and comfortably.

I do not accept or allow myself to judge others based on what they are wearing.

I do not accept or allow myself to judge other based on my projected ideas of their motivations behind how they dress.

I do not accept and allow myself to dress myself in order to impress anybody or with the belief that I will be judged. The only judgment is self-judgment.

I accept and allow myself to move through the day without reacting in judgment to the people around me.

I accept and allow myself to experience myself within crowds without being influenced or moved by their presence.

I accept myself unconditionally within big groups, and I move myself according to what’s best for all, and not what’s best for me.

I accept and allow myself to remain present within the crowds of downtown, within awareness as breath, without reaction, just silence within as stillness as stability as life.

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