Releasing My Self-Definitions: "young"

One of the things I've found I define myself as is 'young'. I've been the baby of the family, and then later when I started working I happened to be the youngest one there. In time I realized the 'value' of youth, and as my coworkers were aging around me I started valuing my youth more like a possession, and over time it became a part of my self-definition.

Now I am 30, and as youth fades and I start to see the physical changes my ego goes into an internal panic for fear of losing that which I have defined myself as. The panic is supressed within me because I understand it is irrational- this is Life- people age, I am no different. But the 'panic' which involves fear and a sort of 'helplessness' is left there to just kind of fester within. So, through self-forgiveness I can remove my connections to the value I have placed within 'youth'- the word itself and the ideas, perceptions, definitions and beliefs I have attached to it, and instead value myself as who I am as Life, as character, as determination, as self-acceptance and as will.


Young:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word young to smooth skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word young within smooth skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word young and from the smooth beautiful skin by defining the word young with in beautiful skin in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word young with the word fresh.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word young within the word fresh.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word young and from the word fresh by defining the word young within the word fresh in separation of myself,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word young with the word innocent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word young within the word innocent .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word young and from the word innocent by defining the word young within the word innocent in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word young with the word jealousy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word young within the word jealousy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word young and from the word jealousy by defining the word young within the word jealousy in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word young with the word power.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word young within the word power.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word young and from the word power by defining the word young within the word power in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word young with the word naive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word young within the word naive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word young and from the word naive by defining the word young within the word naive in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word naive with the word envy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word young within the word naive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word young and from the word naive by defining the word young within the word naive in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word young to the word pure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word young within the word pure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word young and from the word pure by defining the word young within the word pure in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word young with the word lost.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word young within the word lost.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word young and from the word lost by defining the word young within the word lost in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word young to the word lucky.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word young within the word lucky.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word young, and from the word lucky, by defining the word young within the word lucky in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word young with the words school girl.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word young within the word schoolgirl.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word young and from the word schoolgirl by defining the word young within the word schoolgirl in separation of myself.

Dictionary Definition:

Being in an early period of life, development, or growth.
Newly begun or formed; not advanced: The evening is still young.
Of, belonging to, or suggestive of youth or early life: He is young for his age.
Vigorous or fresh; youthful.

Lacking experience; immature: a young hand at plowing.
Being the junior of two people having the same name.
Geology. Being of an early stage in a geologic cycle. Used of bodies of water and land formations.

Sounds Like:

YOU’ll Never Grow

Remaining young is to be without personal growth or expansion. To enjoy youth to its utmost while at the same time growing, expanding and maturing as Who One Is as Life. To not remain in the naiveté and ignorance of youth, but to face the world as Who One Is in complete awareness of why one is. To enjoy youth, but to still remain on track within self-direction and self-responsibility within and as the untangling the mind that one began to tangle in youth.

SF On Young:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as young.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge being young as the best and being old as the worst.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that those who are young are better than those who are old.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself within judgment, as better than those who are older than me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am luckier than those who are older than me, and then to participate within and energetic charge of positive feeling energy
because of feeling ‘luckier’ and ‘better than’ those who are older than me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want need and desire to use my youth to seduce older men.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire to manipulate and abuse myself and older men by playing on systems which exist by attempting to seduce, manipulate and abuse older men, and in turn seducing, abusing and manipulating myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seduce, abuse and manipulate myself and older men through my beliefs and back-chat play-outs in physical reality.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself within the belief that I only have power if I can seduce men, particularly older and men who I define as more powerful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to seduce older men in order to survive in the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to manipulate others, particularly older men, in order to survive in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get high off of having the ability to
manipulate older men to want and desire me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel worthless and old if I can’t manipulate men.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear men seeing me as old and worthless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear older men seeing me as old and instead desiring younger women than myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe when I grow old I will lose my power.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe power lies in my ability to seduce.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ‘good’ about myself within polarity instead of simply being myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the polarities of youth/age, worth/worthlessness, beauty/ugly, power/powerless, good/bad, desirable/undesirable, and desired/undesired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself within trying to feel a certain way about me and who I am, that ‘way’ being powerful, superior and dominant manipulator, which is not what’s best for all in any way, it is only what I perceive as best for me, but it’s not even best for me, it is best for the mind as absolute enslavement and separation of self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave and separate myself as the mind within the idea of youth and superiority instead of realizing and doing what’s best for all, which is, at the moment, realizing oneness and equality within and without.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that men should be like putty in my hands.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire to be able to manipulate another human being instead of wanting, needing and desiring them to realize themselves as Life, equal and one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need or desire to be a vixen and a muse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the idea of a vixen or a muse to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that a vixen or a muse is complete enslavement and is totally fucked up, it is not life and not who or what anybody should be or want to be as a powerless slave.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire to be a vixen and a muse because I have not realized my self-importance and self-worth, and instead I seek it from others.

I allow myself to realize my self-importance and self-worth, and to realize that I am the most important instrument that I have the power to move, and the most worth that I can imagine, as does everybody else.

I allow myself to assist and support others unconditionally as life, to, without fear, assist and support them to realize who they are as life as I assist and support myself to , without fear, do the same.

I allow myself to realize, and to do, what’s best for all, which is, at the moment, to realize my equality and oneness within and without.

I allow myself to fearlessly realize my equality and oneness and to live it into my actions, words thoughts.

I do not allow participation in the mind as the pursuit of positive energetic charges of feeling powerful, dominant, superior and in control as enslavement, and I instead allow myself to exist within understanding and self-direction as life.

I do not accept or allow myself to participate in the sex game as it diminishes me as who I am, and I do not allow diminishing behaviours within me as Who I Am.

Self-judgment Creates Inner Hell

I had a really rough time this past week, physically and emotionally. Although my breathing efforts were consistent, I also participated in the mind quite a bit. I had a lot of self-judgment and fear of judgment from my partner.

My body has gone through some changes recently, and I will take the opportunity to realize how self-judgmental I am about my physical appearance/physical state.

This point has been way too important for me my whole life, and I am soooo ready to let it go, only- it’s automated within me. If anything my weight gain has shown me how extensively I am programmed to value physical appearance. How much I have separated myself from my physical body, and the lack of self-acceptance within me, and the lack of self-trust that I will properly care for my physical body.

 I also noticed how I depend on the approval of others to ‘pick me up when I’m down’, and to accept me so I don’t have to accept myself.

Recently I have gained some weight. It’s from a combination of living back with my parents while I’m studying- with three square meals as well as a sedentary student life-style. All I do is sit and study when I’m used to being outside and being active. Now my jeans don’t fit!- lol!

This past week I have spent with my partner who I haven’t seen for about a  month, and all of a sudden my self-judgment was placed right in front of me. I also had pms, as well as some kind of eczema that has been appearing and disappearing on different areas of my body.

I felt fat and disgusting.

I was visiting some family over the past week, so I was reacting to myself within that context as well.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that school and other responsibilities are overwhelming, and that I can only do so much, while I abandon everything else, such as exercise and self-enjoyment and enjoying Life. As a result, my physical body has changed, and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge the change as weight gain as disgusting, thus charging it with a negative charge and then reacting to it within fear. When I look at the fear I see fear of a lack of control over aging and over my health, wherein I am projecting into the future all my worst fears of what can happen to me physically, instead of taking it one breath at a time and remaining Here. I also see misplaced values that I have separated myself from and attached to my physical appearance, instead of valuing myself as who I am as Life.

Within this I can see a lack of balance, self-movement and self-trust that I will do what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical body, allowing for self-judgment, and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my physical body as disgusting.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body through and within my participation within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within projection, projecting my fears into an imaginary future.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live in self-created fear and fear of an imaginary future that is not even real, but which I will make real if I continue to participate within my fears, my thoughts and my projections of it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I am capable of balance, self-movement and self-trust.

I allow myself to love, respect and care for my physical body as it has supported me unconditionally my whole life.

I allow myself to take Life one breath at a time, and to remain Here with me.

I allow myself to accept and value myself as Who I Am as deserving of Life because I Am Here.

I allow myself to be balance, self-trust and self-movement, as I am pushing myself to learn how to incorporate and integrate these words into my living actions and application.

I do not allow myself to participate within my mind- projecting my worst fears into an imaginary future situation.

I do not allow myself to participate within the separation of myself wherein I misplace my self-value.

Projection and Separation:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on X’s attention/affection/devotion in order for me to experience emotional charges of importance/loved/cherished within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become dependent on feeling these emotional; charges from X, and therefore expect them, and when I don’t have them, I feel self-pity, forgotten, not important, not cherished and not loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on the acceptance of someone outside of me in order to be able to accept myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to X, thus making him responsible for creating a positive energetic experience within me when I’m around him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have come to expect the positive emotional experiences from X, and to feel disappointed/robbed/sad when I don’t get them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the emotional energetic experiences of loved/cherished/special, thus participating in polarity, thus ensuring the opposite energetic experience within and as me. So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the polarity of special/unspecial, loved/unloved and cherished/uncherished to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the experience of unspecial, unloved and un-cherished to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect X to my personal feeling experience of special, loved and cherished.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to feel special.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself, to love and cherish myself.

- - - - -

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reflect my self-judgment off of X.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to X instead of taking responsibility for my self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as gross because I have exzema, not realizing that this physical manifestation is an opportunity to take the time to heal me and sort me out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as disgusting because I have gained weight, instead of realizing that I will make the appropriate changes to remain active and in shape because that is what I enjoy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel insecure because I have been participating in self-judgment about my exzema and weight, and because I am participating in the mind of thoughts and beliefs, thinking and believing that X is judging me too.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel insecure because I have placed my value as security in my physical appearance and sexual allure. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at myself and judge myself in this way- where I think/believe/perceive myself to have ‘no value’ unless I am perfect, thus I am perpetually judging myself as imperfect.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that such a thing as physical perfection exists, it is only pictures.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-worth in my ability to convince myself that X has a desire for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself based on how badly X desires me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire others to want/need/desire me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I require constant reassurance by X giving me attention and praise that I am wanted/valued,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame PMS as an excuse to feel self-judgmental, self-hatred, self-disgust and just foul, as self-sabotage so as not to have to face myself and remain Here, with me, in each breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame PMS for my emotional state instead of taking responsibility for myself as my mind of emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame PMS for my rage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame PMS because I always have, and it’s what I‘ve been taught to believe/taught myself to believe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame PMS for my experience of physical discomfort.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my anger towards myself instead of changing myself and the things I am angry about, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my anger towards myself instead of facing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘put up’ with myself as a mind for so long, limited and enslaved, and all the rage and anger I have felt from that- it’s suppressed within me, and now it ‘comes out’ when there is friction, irritation, resistance, etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I do not know how to deal with my emotions, this is just an excuse to not deal with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to ’feel’ stable in order to prove to myself that I am stable. I know that I cannot trust my emotions, and that my mind will fuck with me at every turn, so I know that I can’t trust my mind to tell me when I’m stable and doing well and when I’m not. The mind usually has it ass-backward anyways, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my mind of thoughts, feelings, emotions and reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on myself as a mind mind to tell me who and how I am, instead of directing myself within oneness and equality in each breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel emotionally unstable because ‘I have been working hard’, ‘I have PMS’, ‘I am visiting my in-laws’, ‘I have had a busy schedule’, “I am in exams’ and ‘I am a victim’. These are all excuses to not have to face me and I do not accept or allow myself to participate within and as them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the excuses of the mind, instead of trusting me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be the excuses that :I feel emotionally unstable because ‘I have been working hard’, ‘I have PMS’, ‘I am visiting my in-laws’, ‘I have had a busy schedule’, “I am in exams’ and ‘I am a victim’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the excuses: I feel emotionally unstable because ‘I have been working hard’, ‘I have PMS’, ‘I am visiting my in-laws’, ‘I have had a busy schedule’, “I am in exams’ and ‘I am a victim’ to exist within and as me.

Instead, I accept myself to remain Here, taking one step at a time, figuring out one step at a time.

I allow myself to realize that I love me and I accept me at all moments, within stability, one breath at a time.

I am here with me, for me. Always.

When I feel myself going into emotional instability, I stop, and I breathe. I stand up within the understanding that I trust me to direct me here, stability is not a feeling experience, and I breathe until I come back, so that I may participate in my world as who I am as stability, and not from the emotionally reactive self-interest of myself as a mind.

- - - - - -

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to X when he’s around his family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel/think/believe or perceive that I am in the way at X’s mom’s house, because I’m not getting the same kind/amount of attention I get at my house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think believe or perceive that I need a certain kind/amount of attention to be comfortable, and to feel loved and accepted within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my experience of myself with X’s family to that with my family, and then when there’s a difference, to react to it as if it were something wrong with me/them/X/the situation, not realizing that the difference is the ideas and expectations I have attached to the different locations/people/situations, and that I am, in fact, the same throughout.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to just be comfortable within myself, knowing I am Here for me always, and that self-acceptance and self-love are only a breath away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive I can’t be me/myself around X’s family because I have to be something else, something ‘more’ to impress them and to prove I am worthy to be there, to be with them and a part of their family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to be something else/something more than what I am, I know where that leads- it leads to self-judgment and insecurity, and I do not allow myself to participate within the energetic emotional reaction of inferiority around X’s family, due to the thought/belief/perception that they have the right to judge me because I am the new member of the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/belief/perceive that I need to act/behave a certain way in order to gain acceptance by X’s family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear X’s family won’t/doesn’t accept me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an inferiority polarity around X’s family, because I’m looking at myself through their eyes and judging myself as ‘a bad influence’, ‘not smart enough’, ‘not interesting enough’ or ‘annoying’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bad influence on X- he is a grown man and has a mind of his own. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that X’s family thinks I’m a bad influence on him. First of all- I have no idea what they really think so I shouldn’t worry about it. Secondly, it doesn’t matter what they think because they are only reflecting their own self-judgment, as I am doing, and it has nothing to do with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear reflecting X’s family’s self-judgment back to themselves for fear that they will react to me and blame me, as I blame others for my self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my self-judgment instead of taking responsibility for it and forgiving myself for it and not repeating the behavior (corrective application).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my thoughts/fears/beliefs/ideas of what X’s family thinks of me, instead of allowing myself to be myself, In self-confidence and self-trust.

I allow myself to love and accept myself entirely and unconditionally.

I do not accept or allow myself to become self-conscious in a group because I fear their judgment.

If Y doesn’t like me then he has that to work out for himself, on his own. I am free of that burden or weight because I choose not to participate in it- I do not accept or allow myself to try to do things to ‘win him over’ and prove to him that ‘I have good intentions’ or ‘I’m not a bad person” etc…

I do not accept or allow myself to try to be something within this group. This is not my show, it’s not ‘a’ show, but an event within which I am challenged to remain here, in breath.

When I notice myself going into a reaction around X/X’s family I stop, and I breathe. I stand up as myself, within the understanding that the only judgment is self-judgment, and I do not allow myself to participate within self-judgment or inferiority. I allow myself to remain stable, Here, because I accept and allow myself to love and accept myself unconditionally.

Releasing My Self-Definitions

In walking 'backwards through time' to see/realize /understand how I have created myself as who and how I am through the layering of acceptances and allowances of past memories, thoughts, feelings, emotions, experiences etc.... I have decided to walk through some of the main ways in which I have defined myself.

I'm starting with beauty because I've noticed, now that I'm back in a busy city, that I am experiencing self-judgment about my appearance. When I used to live in the city, I worked at a bar. I dressed to impress, seduce, entice, invite etc... because I was working for tips. I got a lot of attention from men through the bartender- customer dynamic and have developed many beliefs and self-definitions which I need to now walk through and let go.

With the self-definition of beauty I have found the eternal search for recognition and reconfirmation from others of everything I have associated with 'what it means to be beautiful'. I'm done with endless searches now as only I can recognize and confirm myself, and the only valid recognition and confirmation is within understanding/realizing/being and becoming oneness and equality with and as all Life.

I will begin with purifying the word and re-defining it, and then forgiving myself of all the ways in which I have lived and separated myself through living my beliefs and perceptions of beauty.

Purifying Beautiful:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word beautiful with a positive/good charge/value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘beautiful’ to a positive or good polarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe or think that to be beautiful is good or positive, and to be ugly is bad or negative.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect to word beautiful to the word feminine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word
feminine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful and from the word feminine by defining the word beautiful within the word feminine in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word beautiful to the word successful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word successful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful and from the word successful by defining the word beautiful within the word success, or successful, in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word beautiful to the word special.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word special.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful and from the word special, by defining the word beautiful within the word special in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word beautiful to the word important.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word important.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful and from the word important by defining the word beautiful within the word important in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word beautiful to the word popular.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word popular.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful and from the word popular by defining the word beautiful within the word popular in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word beautiful to the word happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful
and from the word happy by defining the word beautiful within the word happy in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word beauty to the word resent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word beautiful within the word resent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word beautiful and from the word resentment by defining the word beautiful within the word resentment in separation of myself.

Dictionary definition:
adjective
1.
having beauty; having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind: a beautiful dress; a beautiful speech.
2.
excellent of its kind: a beautiful putt on the seventh hole; The chef served us a beautiful roast of beef.
3.
wonderful; very pleasing or satisfying.

Sounds like: BE YoU To the FULLest

New Definition:
Beautiful: 1)wonderful, very pleasing or satisfying to be one’s self as one’s full self expression within presence and awareness, Here, with and as, and within consideration of all of Life. 2) to be and become one’s self-expression within self-mastery, self-acceptance, self-forgiveness and self-love, to the fullest extent is to be satisfaction and to be great pleasure. 3) To be and become excellence as full self-expression, as self-perfection, as who one is as Life.

SF on Beauty:
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself within the want, need and desire to be perceived as beautiful or pretty.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that beautiful people are more important , and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that beautiful people count more, and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to that beautiful people are more exceptional and valuable, therefore, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire to be beautiful so that I can ‘feel’ more important, think/believe and perceive that I count more oram more exceptional and valuable than the rest of life, instead of realizing/seeing/understanding that beauty it a construct of society that is not real/not based in anything real, and it supports inequality and does not take into consideration what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try/need to/desire to manipulate men and women with my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel important because I define myself as or perceive my human physical body as desireable/desired/envied.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from life by defining myself within the mind, and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need or desire to perceive myself as ‘more-than’ the rest of life, instead of realizing and seeing my oneness and equality to all that is here.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the energetic polarity of positive beauty and negative ugliness.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity of important/unimportant, by viewing some humans as more important than others based on their appearance. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that more beautiful human beings are more important. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that more beautiful human beings are more valuable human beings. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think believe or perceive that what I’ve defined as ‘more beautiful’ human beings are more exceptional human beings. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity of exceptional/unexceptional by believing some human beings are more exceptional then others.

Nobody is an exception from Life, we are all one and equal within and as Life.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to value myself unconditionally, but instead have focused on my strengths and weaknesses.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize my unconditional worth as Life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire people to look at me and give me attention, so that I can think, believe or perceive that they are judging me as beautiful, important, exceptional and more-than others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire others to perceive me as beautiful.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need or desire others to perceive me as valuable.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my self-value by wanting, needing and desiring others to perceive me as valuable.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire others to perceive my as exceptional.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire others to perceive me as more than.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to value myself and realize my importance thus within this separation I’ve developed the habit of seeking my self-importance and my self-value in the glances of others, wherein I project my own judgment of beauty and its qualities and project it back to myself through my interpretation of their glances and looks.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as unexceptional and less-than, therefore I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to seek the polarity opposite as exceptional and more-than within my projected self-judgement through and as the judgement of myself through and as others as beautiful.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to men and women by needing them to think I am beautiful to confirm my self-definition as ego.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself by defining myself as beautiful.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place worth or value in beauty as appearance, so I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my worth and value by placing it in my appearance and the judgment of other’s based on my appearance, thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to depend upon others judgment to believe I have self worth and value, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that my self-value and self-worth is within me as who I am as Life, and not in who I’ve defined myself as within ego and self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as pretty.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as important.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire special treatment from others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire flattery from others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as special and unspecial.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, through separation, seek special treatment and flattery from others to manipulate my inner experience of myself, instead of realizing my wholeness as life, as here within breath.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give away my power by wanting, needing and desiring flattery and special treatment from others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to depend upon others to make me feel ‘good’ and whole, instead of standing up as who I am as life regardless of my inner experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the deception of the mind by believing my thoughts, feelings and emotions are who I am, thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to depend upon my thoughts, feelings and emotions to tell me who I am instead of realizing they are not me, they are mind and ego, and mind and ego are not Life, and I stand up from within and as mind and ego as who I am as Life.

I do not accept or allow myself to participate within and as the energetic polarities of beauty/ugliness, special/unspecial, worth/worthless, important/unimportant, exceptional/unexceptional, good/bad.

I do not accept or allow myself to feed the mind as energy by participating within and as the polarities of the mind.

I do not accept or allow myself to separate myself through self-judgment.

I do not accept or allow myself to seek myself, my self-worth and my wholeness from/within others outside myself in separation of me.

I do not accept or allow myself to participate in self-judgment or the judgment of others.

I do not accept or allow myself to participate within the beauty demon of the mind.

I do not accept or allow myself to seek to be more than who I am , or more than others.

I accept and allow myself to be, see and realize my self-worth, my wholeness and my self-expression as who I am as Life.

I accept and allow myself to take myself back from and as that which I have used to separate myself with and as.

I accept and allow myself to realize and see my unconditional worth and value as life

Replacing Bi-Polar Tendencies With Stability

Today is my ‘get my shit back together’ day, which is cool. It’s when I ‘get back on track’ clean myself up, discipline my eating, clean up my work-space and get to work. This type of day is starting to feel familiar, and that’s great, except for two things that I am now making myself officially aware of.  Number one is that when I feel myself going ‘up’ like this I have the tendency to let it get too high, wherein I become out of control, and number two is the inevitable crash afterwards, so it’s a pattern. I can see that what led up to this type of day (my ‘get my shit back together’ day) was the opposite type of day. For the past 3 or 4 days I have felt heavy, sloppy, on the verge of being overwhelmed by life, and foul. I was pissed off at my sluggishness and my inability to move myself effectively. This pattern used to last months, and then weeks, and now mere days, so I can see the compression as I’m being spiralled into facing myself head on. I am ready. I even felt ready while I was going through it these past few days: telling myself to stand up from within it, to direct myself from within the sluggishness, the foulness, the overwhelming-ness... and I did, the ‘low’ still felt really low, but I managed to get some stuff done and move myself despite the way I felt inside. Wherein I used to fall completely into the overwhelming-ness, I now simply teeter on the edge of it, realizing it has been my choice to ‘go there’ all along. I’m not helpless in this regard, I do not have to go there at all. I’ve been working on this pattern and as I continue to do so one thing becomes more and more clear with regards to bringing myself into these crashes: there’s no point in going there. It is unnecessary self-imposed hardships that result from the self-allowance of participation in energetic polarities.

Presently:  I see that I bounce back and forth  between these two extremes. At once I feel completely in control and on top of everything, and then I’m like a teenager again- angry and irresponsible. Presently I see myself about to go up. I keep in mind that when I’m on the upswing I tend to go too high, thinking and believing that I’ve finally done it- changed myself and now everything is going to be good and I’m in total control. And then I over-do it. I start many projects and I try to get everything done, but what happens is- it never ends. I can’t stay up in that high for an extended amount of time, so I’m going to come down, and that ‘coming down’ will be proportional to how high I let myself get.

Self-Correction:  When I am on that upswing, I remind myself that the goal isn’t to just ‘go with it’ and feed it and become all super-human, because it won’t last. When I feel myself going ‘up’ I breathe through the desire to feed it and go with it because that is an addiction to a bi-polar pattern that I will direct myself to replace with stability. Within understanding myself in this regard, I see this pattern and I direct myself to apply self-will and self-directive principle to remain in common sense and practical application instead of entering into a mind possession high wherein I set myself up for a proportional fall. Common sense and practical application here refers to taking one thing at a time and doing it properly. Not starting many things thus setting myself up to burn out. It’s cool that I’m back from my previous fall, but I need to be stable now and realize that today is just one day, I don’t need to get everything done, just the things that make the most sense. I can leave some stuff for tomorrow so that I slowly accumulate my self-directive principle and stability instead of feeding the tendencies of bi-polar disorder.

Separating Yourself from- Yourself

Separation

                Each and every human being is a whole being, but we have separated ourselves within and as our minds. Self-judgment, projection, reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions are ways in which we separate ourselves by being both the observer and the observed. Through the act of separation we powerlessly observe ourselves operate throughout our lives, judging, reacting, projecting, thinking, feeling and emoting instead of doing and being. Being and becoming the force that will change the world. Being the change itself.

                The point within realizing the separation within oneself is that as long as it exists, self will never be a complete whole; the observer can never be the observed. Only when one’s thoughts, words and deeds are aligned within oneness and equality, is one completely empowered to be a self-willed, self-directed individual who can stand up within any situation, and withstand any storm. But this alignment can only be achieved within oneness and equality, because you can’t have oneness without equality, and you can’t have equality without oneness, and you can’t have either within separation.

                The elimination of separation involves the bringing back together of self, by forgiving self for accepting and allowing any and all separation. To take yourself back and at the same time give you back to yourself, because separation is an abdication of self-responsibility by looking for sources outside of self to explain or validate one’s internal experiences instead of changing.

Self-judgment:

                With self-judgment, it is necessarily implied that there are two entities: the judge and the judged –a separation from one into two. This separation is obviously not physical; it takes place in the mind. That is where all separation takes place, in the mind.

                To judge oneself either positively or negatively is to create a belief about or a relationship with oneself that isn’t necessary. This relationship or belief will influence one’s behaviour as one lives out his or her day, or week, or month, or year, or whole life, which creates patterns and habits that prevent one from living self-honestly, moving self and being the self-directive principle that is the living statement of ‘who I am’, Here, as Life.

                If one’s thoughts. words and deeds are aligned with oneness and equality, then that will be the living statement of self, and within that, there is no separation, because it is one and equal, inside and out, therefore no possibility for self-judgment.

Reactions:

                Another realization that must be understood in order to understand the ways in which we separate ourselves is that nothing and nobody can ‘make you’ feel a certain way as your self-experience within yourself.  All reactions are caused or created by the individual within whom they occur. If they were caused by outside people or events then we would all react the same way to the same things. But instead, each being’s reaction is uniquely catered to their specific life experiences according to who they have accepted and allowed themselves to be and become.

                This is because when you react to a being you are actually reacting to that which you have separated yourself from within yourself. For example, if you react in jealousy of another’s appearance then you have separated yourself from your own self-acceptance of your physical body in some way within the belief that, for example, ‘only someone who is that fit, or that beautiful or that muscular is able to accept themselves, but not me’. Within this, you have reacted within jealousy because you have separated yourself from self-acceptance by projecting it on to fit/beautiful/muscular people outside of yourself.

                However, this separation has only taken place within the mind and at any moment you can forgive yourself and take back your self-acceptance so that you no longer react within jealousy to a certain type of person, so you can instead see them for the human being that they are, one and equal to yourself.              

Facing Life

Today I did not set an alarm to wake up because I am still feeling sick from my cold. When I got up I noticed the experience of too-much-ness which I have been experiencing over the past few months as overwhelmingness. During the summer I had been brought to tears from it several times, but now that I’ve listened to Bernard’s interview about this specific experience I understand it is the accumulation of attention towards a particular point. In my case I know that the points I had been working on were focus, self-discipline, time-management and of course, self-directive. These points have been extreme problems in my life in the form of avoiding them, evading them, so it’s a big shift for me to start incorporating them into my living application. I have had much resistance and physical discomfort as I have been working on these points, as well as emotional discomfort in the form of this overwhelming sensation wherein ‘it’s just all too much’. But I’ve gotten through that now and I am coming out on the other side of it with more determination and, as Bernard mentioned, a new perspective or point of view on this experience, and on what leads up to it and how it plays out for me.

My new perspective on this is that I now look at life, or my current experience in terms of the bigger picture. I noticed throughout this that I would normally tend to focus on all the tiny details and obsess over them and I tend to miss the bigger pattern or the bigger goal of what it is that I’m doing.

Within this, when I feel myself being pulled into the experience of being overwhelmed I stop myself immediately by concentrating on my breath and becoming aware of my physical body until my heart starts beating normally. This calms me down, whereas before I would, in a way ‘go with it’ and everything would seem to be happening very fast and I would feel that I couldn’t keep up. I would try to do everything right away and would always end up at the same spot: exhausted, usually sick, tired and feeling like I can’t do it. Feeling like I can’t keep up and I want to give up and I start letting things go and start falling behind etc... This pattern explains the tendency to start projects really strongly and then fizzle out toward the end, and then go into some sort of death throws just to survive and complete the task- whether it be school or a job or whatever. It’s really a very unpleasant experience and therefore I’m determined to correct it so I can stop beating myself up and no longer abuse myself in this way anymore.

Also within all this is the realization that I can only effectively accumulate myself, my self-will, self-discipline, self-directive principle (which will lead to better focus, better time management, and better self-movement) slowly over time. I can’t exert all my energy and completely wipe myself out and expect myself to gain any kind of effective self-support and self-trust this way. It’s more like self-sabotage.so I realize that to take it easy on myself is not to be lazy, but to first of all not let myself go into an experience of anxiety, stress and overwhelmingness, but to instead ‘check myself’ in breath. When I do this I calm down to a point of clarity wherein I can ask myself ‘what do I really need to do right now’ and then ‘am I capable of doing this effectively’ meaning, doing it with my all, complete focus and stability. If not, then I need to take care of myself like sit down and breathe or eat or drink something or simply stop and change environments and do something else.

Secondly, when I do decide within calmness and clarity, to do something, I commit to doing it fully. Today I experienced resistance to this type of situation in class. I have decided to take fewer longer classes instead of many short classes. This means paying attention and keeping my focus for 2 and a half hours at a time. This is very difficult for me and I experience the physical resistance to it as physical discomfort and I also become easily distracted.

The pattern I’m breaking here is the desire to get lost in my own ‘little world’ in my head, which I used to do every day in class since I was very young. I would draw or play in my desk. Now I listen, try to understand and try to take good notes. But it’s still hard at the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel seduced by the desire to escape into my mind in class when I need to instead focus and remain present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become easily distracted instead of remaining present and aware for the complete duration of the class, so that I can understand the material, do well, and be effective in the system.

 I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to exercise the will power and self-discipline to keep myself ‘in line’ while I’m in class, and instead waste my time by doodling and fantasizing about things that I don’t even remember.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be seduced by my fantasies because they seem so interesting and so much more interesting than the lecture when in fact they are not that interesting but rather variations of the same old fantasies I’ve been having for years. They go nowhere, they’re good for nothing and they’re a waste of my time when I should be learning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the classroom experience as boring and unbearable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the classroom experience as boring and unbearable because I’m trying to escape taking responsibility for my own learning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the classroom experience as boring and unbearable because it hard. It’s hard to learn new things and it;s hard to discipline myself and stay focused and integrate new information into my understanding of myself and my world, and thus far I have been lazy, which is what has made it all ‘hard’.

In reality it’s not hard, it just is. There is no value judgment for me to place on my daily experience, only whether I am applying myself fully-or not. When I am applying myself I face resistances, which make the experience seem ‘hard’ simply because it’s not easy and comfortable to change oneself and one’s patterns, habits, addictions, beliefs and definition.

 So it’s not that any of this is hard, it’s just that it’s uncomfortable and new. And what I’ve learned thus far in my process is that I can just focus on my breath during and throughout that discomfort and it will fade. The energy will eventually run out and I will remain, I will return to stability in the end, and with my focus and determination and my application of breath, I can remain stable throughout the experience as well.

So I allow myself to remain dedicated to my process and myself by remaining focused and fully present throughout the duration of my classes.

I do not accept or allow myself to be seduced by my thoughts and fantasies and desire to doodle and escape pushing myself through willing myself to focus and remain present throughout my classes’ duration.

Also, a few pointers to myself on a side note-

I noticed that I become distracted and brought into an energetic experience of self judgement when I look at all the students and pedestrians in and around school, on public transportation and on the shuttle bus etc...

-          In this respect I will work on not reacting to all the many people around me and rather focus on the bigger picture: why am I here, what am I doing right now to achieve that goal? Am I being the most effective I can be while taking it easy on myself? Am I being self honest? What am I standing as as an example right now in this moment? And Am I present?

-         

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at other students and people and judge what they are wearing and compare myself to them in self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other people based on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as others based on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by placing value on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself in my mind of judgment when I look at people around me instead of remaining present as breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape facing myself as who I am as life by going into my mind by placing importance on the physical appearance of things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people’s motivations for what they choose to wear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my motivations for what I choose to wear to come from a starting point of fear of judgment or of self-interest instead of just dressing practically and comfortably.

I do not accept or allow myself to judge others based on what they are wearing.

I do not accept or allow myself to judge other based on my projected ideas of their motivations behind how they dress.

I do not accept and allow myself to dress myself in order to impress anybody or with the belief that I will be judged. The only judgment is self-judgment.

I accept and allow myself to move through the day without reacting in judgment to the people around me.

I accept and allow myself to experience myself within crowds without being influenced or moved by their presence.

I accept myself unconditionally within big groups, and I move myself according to what’s best for all, and not what’s best for me.

I accept and allow myself to remain present within the crowds of downtown, within awareness as breath, without reaction, just silence within as stillness as stability as life.

_________________________

Back in Montreal

Writing self out, self-honestly

I’m at the end of my first day ‘alone’ in Montreal. ‘Alone’ meaning without my husband, but really, I’m always alone. Things have gone pretty much as I expected, I have chosen today the comfort of the mind rather than facing myself again. Again and again and again as the pattern has been repeating. I’ve been telling myself I will end it here, alone in montreal, so now I am here and it’s time to face it, face myself. Right now I’m having trouble taking myself seriously as I write this, because I’ve put it off for so long the words no longer carry any weight. It’s like, I don’t care if I don’t face myself, I can’t do it anyways, and this is all going to play out exactly like last year.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I’m not able to take myself seriously.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I’m not able to take myself seriously because I haven’t proven it to myself yet that I can really change.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take myself seriously,

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take myself seriously because it’s a pattern that I’m used to and it’s easier and more comfortable to abdicate my self-responsibility by not taking myself seriously.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take myself seriously because over the years I have participated in relationships where I was not taken seriously, and I accepted and allowed it, and I perpetuates it by believing it to be who I am, therefore living it into my actions and words, instead of realizing myself as who I really am as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create relationships within which I am not taken seriously, because if I’m not taking myself seriously, I will train others to do the same.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself unconditionally, to value my voice and my presence in the world.

I allow myself to take myself seriously, knowing that this is a serious process and that the consequences of my not facing myself are serious.

I allow myself to take myself seriously because I’m worth being taken seriously because I have the value of life, and the only thing that can take that away from me is myself.

I allow myself to take myself seriously because I understand that only the mind is capable of not taking life seriously.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can’t do ‘this’, meaning, I can’t change my patterns, addictions habits and behaviours.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can’t change my patterns, addictions, habits and behaviours because I’ve never actually really tried before.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can’t change my patterns, addictions, habits and behaviours because I believe these things are bigger or more powerful than who I am as life, rather than realizing that I created these entities and am therefore equal and one with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can’t change my patterns, addictions, habits and behaviours because I fear the discomfort of facing myself as the mind.

I know that I can do this, and the belief that I can’t do this is only a belief in the mind. I stand equal and one to what I have created by accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility and instead participate in the mind. In terms of the discomfort- I know it goes away- the energy runs out, and I can stick to breath to get me through these walls, because I have to.

I accept and allow myself to realize that I can face and change my patterns, habits, addictions and behaviours, and when the thought pops up that I can’t, I stop, I breathe, I confront the discomfort and breathe through it until it is gone, and I accumulate myself as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that this is all going to play out like last year.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ensure this is all going to play out like last year by thinking it, I stop this immediately and realize that the future is not written, it is up to me to direct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that this is all going to play out like last year because I will not accept or allow that to happen, I am the directive principle of my life and I am learning more and more every day. It is becoming less and less easy to fool myself and there is very little standing in between me and my self-directive principle.

I allow myself to change myself one breath at a time so that I slowly accumulate the change I will to see in myself so that I can stand as that change within the world, equal and one with what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy because I have programmed myself over time to be lazy and avoid responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility by choosing laziness over directive principle because it’s easier and more comfortable to be lazy, and its hard and uncomfortable to move myself according to my principles because doing so involves breaking old patterns as addictions to what I have accepted and allowed within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose laziness because I have defined it as a more enjoyable experience to experience and is done only in self-interest wherein I am considering only myself and my immediate experience and comfort rather than moving myself in every moment to be self-honest and to do what’s best for all.

I do not accept or allow laziness, apathy or ignorance to exist within and as me. I do not allow experiential living to take priority in my life. I do not allow myself to use excuses, justifications, denial and beliefs to choose laziness, apathy, ignorance or experiential living over my self-directive principle.

I move myself in every moment and I remain Here in breath.