Inner-Peace as Suppression

Inner-Peace as Suppression

Self-forgiveness assists me to support myself to achieve an inner-silence or stillness that is different than anything I’ve ever experienced before. It’s different because I am, for the most part, in complete control of it. Meaning, I am completely responsible for it, and when intrusive thoughts start to appear, I see them for what they are. I see right through them and I know how to handle them. First, I choose not to participate with them as soon as they appear, I focus on my breath or my body or my physical surroundings (or all) and I keep myself Here in awareness. The thoughts that come usually carry with them some kind of emotional or feeling energy. Sometimes it’s stronger than others. When I notice it I’ll usually look at it to see what is it and where did it come from and why I may have brought it up. These questions can be answered by remembering self-forgiveness I have already done.  So, if it is for example, a thought about how my schoolwork is accumulating and I start to feel overwhelmed, I’ll recognize the pattern as self-sabotage where instead of starting to do my work I participate in overwhelming thoughts and sabotage myself from the start by procrastinating. This happens every time I have a big paper or exam and I procrastinate. I procrastinate because I feel overwhelmed and I don’t want to face it. But now, when I see the thought coming, and I look at it without participating in it, I see that it is ‘attached’ to this overwhelming feeling, so instead of participating within it and becoming overwhelmed, I simply stop it, breathe, and I get started on my work. Now I can use this particular pattern as a sign that I need to start working right away, or else I will sabotage myself and create a situation where everything is done at the last minute, and everything Is way more stressful than It needs to be. When I handle the situation this way I end up building self-confidence, self-reliance, self-trust, consistency, time management skills and so much more.

Self-forgiveness is like a skill in this way, or a tool. I use it when I’m interacting for example with children. Yesterday I was babysitting my niece and nephew, and they were tired so they were moody and acting up. It seemed as if every little thing would send one or the other into a tantrum. Instead of becoming frustrated and reacting by yelling or telling them to stop, I was able to clear my mind and contemplate how best to handle the situation or even realize what was causing the children themselves to react. I don’t always get it ‘right’, but it always turns out better than if I participate in the frustration, the anger, the impatience, and the lack of understanding that so often dominates interaction with emotional children.

The two scenarios I described are but two examples of the multitude of ways in which the practice of self-forgiveness has assisted and supported me in remaining quiet and stable within myself so that I can handle situations in Life without becoming influenced by the thoughts, feelings and emotions that so easily obscure common-sense. Handling situations in this way builds a stronger, more stable me that is capable of taking on Life no matter what comes my way. It is in these types of ways that I have proven to myself the effectiveness of self-forgiveness. But I also experience ‘negative’ proof of the effectiveness of self-forgiveness, and that is when I don’t do it regularly and I experience myself differently. When I don’t do self-forgiveness I start to get the mind chatter. I’m less aware of the thoughts I’m thinking and the emotion or feeling energy that is attached to them, so all of a sudden I am going through these ups and downs throughout my day and I have less of an idea why or how I am doing it to myself.

An example of this that I recently experienced was this past weekend when we had a house full of guests. There were twelve people here, plus two dogs that we’re dog-sitting (who can’t be together in the same room), plus I had to go to work and do my homework. I didn’t do any self-writing or self-forgiveness the whole time (using the excuse that I was too busy). I relied on past self-forgiveness, understanding and self-realizations as a platform of self-support to keep me stable throughout the experience, but along the way, many situations came up that I did not write out in order to get to the bottom of them, and instead I let myself ‘get away’ with them (instead of taking responsibility for them  by getting to the root of the problem within me and changing). I had reactions to people for not handling the children in the same way I would, I didn’t put aside enough time for my homework and fell behind, there were underlying stresses for me within my family, and other such things that can cause inner-irritation and dis-ease.

When everybody left I was exhausted, but I went up to my room to do my homework. I found it incredibly difficult- my head was full of accumulated thoughts, judgments and reactions from the weekend that I was allowing to distract me from my work and preoccupy me. This is when I tried to find ‘inner peace’ instead of using self-forgiveness. When I realized I couldn’t work effectively and I needed to do something I went to lay on the couch. I closed my eyes and I breathed. As everything started coming up I simply pushed it back down. I looked for a stillness or an ‘inner peace’ but what I was getting was suppression. I again used the excuse that I didn’t have time to write out self-forgiveness because I had to do my homework, so I did not understand the things I was feeling because I had not written them out. So instead of using the opportunity to look into these things that I am reacting to and figuring out why and how I can change me to handle them differently (in a way that supports me and assists me to move through experiences without accumulating inner dis-ease and turmoil), I simply lay down and tried to ignore them., I forced them down into myself so as not to have to deal with them. And that is how I found ‘inner-peace’. I closed my eyes and suppressed myself and in a sense, ‘shut my mind up’ forcibly, with no real understanding or realizations.

This is not growth, and it is not building self-confidence or self-trust. It is rather making the statement that I do not support me to stand up from within my self-created inner-experience, and instead I accept me as this self-defeat. Instead of bringing it out and untangling the mess I have created, I push it down and try to feel ‘okay’ with myself ‘the way I am’. But this ‘way’ that ‘I am’ is not the way nor the ‘I am’ that I accept or allow myself to be. However, in trying to find that ‘inner-peace’ despite the obvious inner turmoil and conflict, I am trying to force myself to ‘feel okay’ instead of taking responsibility for myself.

                The consequence of this suppression was later outbursts of frustration and anger towards little events that did not call for such reactions.  This is the polar-opposite experience of ‘inner-peace’. I experienced these outbursts (within myself towards my parents, for example, or the dogs, or my homework) because of my participation within the polarity of an ‘inner-peace’ that was not based on real ‘peace’ in terms of a self-confident understanding that I am directing myself and my world, but rather a state of self-suppression. As I have said: this is not real ‘peace’, it is escapism, trying to escape the world and everything in it, trying to hide myself instead of taking responsibility for myself in every moment. It can be tough sometimes (to take responsibility in every moment, write oneself out, do self-forgiveness, etc…), but the alternative is constantly moving between chaos and peace, and being a volatile person that can’t be trusted.  Living in a state of continued suppression is like living as a ticking time-bomb. I will not be that or expose anyone else to that.

I have ‘snapped’ before, in my life. I hit my dog once, years ago when he kept chasing skunks; I’ve said really mean things to people in moments of anger. Snapping or participating within these outbursts as a result of built up anger/frustration/irritation is never a beneficial thing. In fact, it is usually even more destructive. Finding ‘inner-peace’ within inner-conflict instead of taking it all out and facing it is destructive and harmful to oneself, and if continued suppression in the form of finding ‘inner-peace’ is used to deal with it, then that harmfulness and destructiveness will come out and effect those in one’s life and one’s world. At least this is how I’ve experienced it when I look back on my life. I have always regretted the things I have done in moments of anger and frustration. I lost a ‘best friend’ because of things I have said, and I have hurt people with my words. Finding ‘inner-peace’ is simply not an acceptable answer to life’s problems, in fact it is the opposite. It is suppression and it will come out somewhere, somehow, at a later time, and it will be an even bigger accumulation of emotional energy that will be regretted. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself in order to experience ‘inner peace’, instead of facing myself head on and addressing that which I am preoccupying myself with by doing self-forgiveness, either out loud or written, or at least making a note about it so I can do it when I have a chance.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself and push myself down within me instead of pulling myself out and dealing with my accepted and allowed thought patterns in order to deal with them and thus take steps towards full self-direction and self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself as procrastination because I ‘choose’ to fall in the face of the resistances I manifest for myself towards facing myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that ‘I’m too busy’ to avoid facing myself within and through writing self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘choose’ to fall in the face of self-created resistances instead of standing up for myself in every moment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate because it’s ‘easier’, instead of taking responsibility for myself. Within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that procrastination is easier when it is actually putting something off to accumulate and become bigger, harder and more complicated later.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manifest resistances towards  writing self-forgiveness and towards facing me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear facing me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take complete responsibility for myself and my world, by allowing my thoughts to direct me, instead of directing myself in the moment, and by suppressing me to face myself as a bigger problem later instead of facing myself in the moment.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of peace and conflict, and peace and chaos by participating in the chaos of a full house instead of breathing and focusing on staying present in awareness in every moment, then by searching for ‘inner peace’ as an ‘escape’, and then  afterwards by participating within and as the inner experience of ‘outbursts’ of frustration and anger towards small events in my life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to utilize the search for, or attempt at ‘inner peace’ as an escape, to escape from the consequences of my participation in all the energies of a family visit, and all the thoughts, feelings, emotions, judgments and reactions that I created and preoccupied myself with afterwards.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to search for or attempt to achieve ‘inner peace’ because of suppressed guilt for past actions.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to search for or attempt to achieve ‘inner peace’ because of my guilt for all the times I have reacted to and judged others during visits, and then accepting and allowing myself to participate within these judgments and reaction after they leave, instead of remaining present and aware during the visit and not participating in judgments and reactions, and also instead of realizing that the only judgment is self-judgment, and that is something I need to address within me, as me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to search for or attempt to manifest ‘inner peace’ instead of dealing with past guilt for all the times I participated in ‘outbursts’ of anger and frustration, wherein I said things I didn’t mean, or did things I knew I shouldn’t do, simply to release myself of my anger and frustration as an outward projection so that I ‘feel better’ in the moment. I realize that this is complete self-interest because that ‘feeling better’ is not real and is achieved at the expense of those around me. It is only temporary, and much like my participation within ‘inner peace’, it is an action that accumulates consequences and creates bigger problems for me to deal with. I realize I would rather take self-responsibility and deal with myself and my manifestations in the moment because that is the simplest and most efficient way to do it. I also realize that I would rather consider those around me as one with me, and take responsibility for myself instead of lashing out at those around me because I do not accept or allow myself to project my frustration and anger on to others because that is not a solution.

Redefining Words: Peace

Peace (+)

Quiet

Calm

Still

Nothingness

Alone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word peace with a positive charge/value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word ‘peace’ as good/right/positive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ by judging it as good/right/positive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘peace’ with the word ‘quiet’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘quiet’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ and from the word ‘quiet’ by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘quite’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word peace to the word ‘calm’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘calm’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace ‘ and from the word ‘calm’ by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘calm’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘peace’ with the word ‘still’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘still’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ and from the word ‘still’ by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘still’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘peace’ with the word ‘nothingness’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘nothingness’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ and from the word ‘nothingness’ by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘nothingness’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘peace’ with the word ‘alone’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘alone’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ and from the word’ alone’ by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘alone’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to

Peace- my current allocation:

Quiet, Calm, Still, Nothingness, Alone

Dictionary definition:

cessation of or freedom from any strife or dissension.

EXPAND

6.

freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety, an obsession, etc.; tranquillity; serenity.

7.

a state of tranquillity or serenity: May he rest in peace.

8.

a state or condition conducive to, proceeding from, or characterized by tranquillity: the peace of a mountain resort.

9.

silence; stillness: The cawing of a crow broke the afternoon's peace.

Although this definition looks attractive as an idea, it offers no practical way to achieve it within oneself.  

Sounds like: appease, wherein I appease myself within and through suppression to, for a moment, experience some kind of peace.

Or: piece, wherein only a ‘piece’ of me is peaceful, and so I focus only on that one piece instead of taking the entirety of myself into consideration.

So, my new definition for the word peace (with regards to, specifically, ‘inner-peace’) is:

Breathing as self in awareness, to remain self-honest within and through any and all situations and walking them through to stability. Finding practical solutions to problems/friction/conflict, and walking those solutions as the practical application of them as Who I Am.