The external changes that I have been experiencing at the moment are my online classes. I also have a part time job which is relatively new, and I’m doing DIP. Also, I moved back in with my husband for the summer, and will be moving out again, back to Canada, back in with my parents during the fall and winter. All of these changes are really cool and I have felt stable within them, except sometimes the pressure mounts, and I allow myself to become affected by it, I allow myself to become less than it by holding onto this belief that somehow its greater than me.
I have been working on this point for a while and at each bit of progress I think I’ve got it, but within self-honesty I see the point is not yet fully transcended. Externally I’ve got it down pretty well in terms of balancing my time between school, work, relationship and then daily responsibilities, but internally I am still allowing the occasional fall into the experience of emotional turmoil in the form of stress, anxiety, overwhelmed, difficulty breathing and a sense of the ‘walls closing in on me’. It comes in fits and bouts as the pressure waxes and wanes.
As I’ve said, externally I do what needs to be done in terms of planning my time and planning my finances, but internally it starts to get to me, and then I go in to the aforementioned experiences and I end up being ineffective with my time use, thus furthering the internal experience. I can relate this back to my past experience as a student, where the cycle was to not do the appropriate work, have an assignment due, not do the assignment well, get a bad grade and then go into an experience of failure. So every step along the way is doomed. And now I see this pattern come up again in relation to my current experience of the changes I’ve taken on, I have this back door because in some small way I feel doomed to failure, feeling like its too hard, I’m not capable, I can’t do it. Even though I’ve been doing it! I have not yet allowed myself the internal stability of trusting that I can do, I am doing it, and I will continue do it.
In the end, when I allow myself to lack stability as I move myself,it is not me utilizing self-directive principle, but rather me being pushed by the stress and fear of failure, which is really very unpleasant. It becomes tension and stiffness in the upper back and shoulders, tightness in the chest, shallow breathing and an overall sense of discomfort and anxiety.
So here, I bring myself back together. I realize it is absolutely unreasonable and useless to go in to these emotional reactions. I’m going to have to deal with these realities of life whether I’m stable or in emotional turmoil, so I chose stability. I chose to not be moved despite the external circumstances.
Self-Forgiveness:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself to my self-created past patterns of failure.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will fail, when I know very well I will not give up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the fear of failure to the thought “I have an assignment due.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within and as the fear of failure connected to the thought ‘I have an assignment due’ in separation of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within and as failure, in separation of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fear of failure to exist within an as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can find a shortcut or an easy way out of the difficulties I face.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to myself as Life by looking for shortcuts and easy ways out.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I don’t find a shortcut or easy way out, then it is too difficult and I cannot do it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately put up resistances when confronted by difficulty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately go into an experience of being overwhelmed when I don’t understand something right away.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a feeling of ‘rushed’ and pressure when I don’t understand something right away instead of taking the task apart into steps and allowing myself to build an understanding within stability, one step and one breath at a time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist studying, writing and learning.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist studying, writing and learning because they are things that make me face myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing resistances towards studying, writing and learning to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing resistances towards facing myself to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved, in any way, in the face of resistances.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect resistances in the form of tightness, stress, anxiety and the feeling of being overwhelmed to the acts of studying, writing and learning.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not effectively use my tools: my breath, my stability, my self-forgiveness and my self-directive principle, and instead go into an experience of tightness, stress, anxiety and the experience of being overwhelmed, when I know that with the use of these tools, I can walk with stability through anything.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself the self-trust in knowing and living the fact that I can and will do this.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place pressure on myself to do well, instead of gently pushing myself to understand the material.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create unnecessary relationships with studying, wherein I allow it to change my internal experience into one of tension, stress, anxiety, resistances and fear of failure, instead of remaining present as awareness, in breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall in the face of these resistances by avoiding facing who I am in relation to schoolwork and life pressures such as money, relationship, and responsibilities.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within pressure, stress, tension, anxiety and overwhelmedness connected to pressures in my life, in separation of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing pressure, tension, anxiety, and overwhelmedness to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing external changes to change my internal experience of myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remain Here, and to face myself and who I have accepted and allowed myself to become, within stability.
It’s time now, to walk through these resistances, because I do not accept and allow myself to exist within and as them anymore.
I allow myself to realize that I can do it, one breath at a time; the only way it can all get done is to start Here, in every moment and in every breath.
I allow myself to trust myself in my capabilities to do what needs to be done in terms of schoolwork, monetary obligations, relationship, DIP and work, within stability.
I do not accept or allow the fear of failure to exist within and as me, or to move me in any way.
I do not accept or allow past patterns to dictate or determine who I am.
I accept and allow myself to walk through the fear of failure within and as breath, as I direct me as who I am as Life.
I realize that the only way through is one breath at a time, and that is all I need to complete and accomplish everything and anything that is placed before me.
I realize there are no shortcuts, and the only way is through.
When I have something due in my life, such as an assignment or a bill or a responsibility, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to fall into my old patterns of fear, but rather I realize that I direct me, I am capable of navigating my way through these things as I stand equal and one with them, and that I will do them and get them done one step and one breath at a time.
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