Inner-Peace as Suppression
Self-forgiveness
assists me to support myself to achieve an inner-silence or stillness that is
different than anything I’ve ever experienced before. It’s different because I
am, for the most part, in complete control of it. Meaning, I am completely
responsible for it, and when intrusive thoughts start to appear, I see them for
what they are. I see right through them and I know how to handle them. First, I
choose not to participate with them as soon as they appear, I focus on my
breath or my body or my physical surroundings (or all) and I keep myself Here
in awareness. The thoughts that come usually carry with them some kind of
emotional or feeling energy. Sometimes it’s stronger than others. When I notice
it I’ll usually look at it to see what is it and where did it come from and why
I may have brought it up. These questions can be answered by remembering
self-forgiveness I have already done.
So, if it is for example, a thought about how my schoolwork is
accumulating and I start to feel overwhelmed, I’ll recognize the pattern as self-sabotage
where instead of starting to do my work I participate in overwhelming thoughts
and sabotage myself from the start by procrastinating. This happens every time
I have a big paper or exam and I procrastinate. I procrastinate because I feel
overwhelmed and I don’t want to face it. But now, when I see the thought
coming, and I look at it without participating in it, I see that it is
‘attached’ to this overwhelming feeling, so instead of participating within it
and becoming overwhelmed, I simply stop it, breathe, and I get started on my
work. Now I can use this particular pattern as a sign that I need to start
working right away, or else I will sabotage myself and create a situation where
everything is done at the last minute, and everything Is way more stressful
than It needs to be. When I handle the situation this way I end up building
self-confidence, self-reliance, self-trust, consistency, time management skills
and so much more.
Self-forgiveness
is like a skill in this way, or a tool. I use it when I’m interacting for
example with children. Yesterday I was babysitting my niece and nephew, and
they were tired so they were moody and acting up. It seemed as if every little
thing would send one or the other into a tantrum. Instead of becoming
frustrated and reacting by yelling or telling them to stop, I was able to clear
my mind and contemplate how best to handle the situation or even realize what
was causing the children themselves to react. I don’t always get it ‘right’,
but it always turns out better than if I participate in the frustration, the
anger, the impatience, and the lack of understanding that so often dominates
interaction with emotional children.
The two scenarios
I described are but two examples of the multitude of ways in which the practice
of self-forgiveness has assisted and supported me in remaining quiet and stable
within myself so that I can handle situations in Life without becoming
influenced by the thoughts, feelings and emotions that so easily obscure
common-sense. Handling situations in this way builds a stronger, more stable me
that is capable of taking on Life no matter what comes my way. It is in these
types of ways that I have proven to myself the effectiveness of
self-forgiveness. But I also experience ‘negative’ proof of the effectiveness
of self-forgiveness, and that is when I don’t do it regularly and I experience
myself differently. When I don’t do self-forgiveness I start to get the mind
chatter. I’m less aware of the thoughts I’m thinking and the emotion or feeling
energy that is attached to them, so all of a sudden I am going through these
ups and downs throughout my day and I have less of an idea why or how I am
doing it to myself.
An example of this
that I recently experienced was this past weekend when we had a house full of
guests. There were twelve people here, plus two dogs that we’re dog-sitting
(who can’t be together in the same room), plus I had to go to work and do my
homework. I didn’t do any self-writing or self-forgiveness the whole time
(using the excuse that I was too busy). I relied on past self-forgiveness,
understanding and self-realizations as a platform of self-support to keep me
stable throughout the experience, but along the way, many situations came up
that I did not write out in order to get to the bottom of them, and instead I
let myself ‘get away’ with them (instead of taking responsibility for them by getting to the root of the problem within
me and changing). I had reactions to people for not handling the children in
the same way I would, I didn’t put aside enough time for my homework and fell
behind, there were underlying stresses for me within my family, and other such
things that can cause inner-irritation and dis-ease.
When everybody
left I was exhausted, but I went up to my room to do my homework. I found it incredibly
difficult- my head was full of accumulated thoughts, judgments and reactions from
the weekend that I was allowing to distract me from my work and preoccupy me.
This is when I tried to find ‘inner peace’ instead of using self-forgiveness. When
I realized I couldn’t work effectively and I needed to do something I went to
lay on the couch. I closed my eyes and I breathed. As everything started coming
up I simply pushed it back down. I looked for a stillness or an ‘inner peace’
but what I was getting was suppression. I again used the excuse that I didn’t
have time to write out self-forgiveness because I had to do my homework, so I
did not understand the things I was feeling because I had not written them out.
So instead of using the opportunity to look into these things that I am
reacting to and figuring out why and how I can change me to handle them
differently (in a way that supports me and assists me to move through
experiences without accumulating inner dis-ease and turmoil), I simply lay down
and tried to ignore them., I forced them down into myself so as not to have to
deal with them. And that is how I found ‘inner-peace’. I closed my eyes and
suppressed myself and in a sense, ‘shut my mind up’ forcibly, with no real
understanding or realizations.
This is not
growth, and it is not building self-confidence or self-trust. It is rather
making the statement that I do not support me to stand up from within my
self-created inner-experience, and instead I accept me as this self-defeat.
Instead of bringing it out and untangling the mess I have created, I push it
down and try to feel ‘okay’ with myself ‘the way I am’. But this ‘way’ that ‘I
am’ is not the way nor the ‘I am’ that I accept or allow myself to be. However,
in trying to find that ‘inner-peace’ despite the obvious inner turmoil and
conflict, I am trying to force myself to ‘feel okay’ instead of taking
responsibility for myself.
The consequence of this
suppression was later outbursts of frustration and anger towards little events
that did not call for such reactions. This is the polar-opposite experience of
‘inner-peace’. I experienced these outbursts (within myself towards my parents,
for example, or the dogs, or my homework) because of my participation within
the polarity of an ‘inner-peace’ that was not based on real ‘peace’ in terms of
a self-confident understanding that I am directing myself and my world, but
rather a state of self-suppression. As I have said: this is not real ‘peace’,
it is escapism, trying to escape the world and everything in it, trying to hide
myself instead of taking responsibility for myself in every moment. It can be
tough sometimes (to take responsibility in every moment, write oneself out, do
self-forgiveness, etc…), but the alternative is constantly moving between chaos
and peace, and being a volatile person that can’t be trusted. Living in a state of continued suppression is
like living as a ticking time-bomb. I will not be that or expose anyone else to
that.
I have ‘snapped’
before, in my life. I hit my dog once, years ago when he kept chasing skunks;
I’ve said really mean things to people in moments of anger. Snapping or
participating within these outbursts as a result of built up
anger/frustration/irritation is never a beneficial thing. In fact, it is
usually even more destructive. Finding ‘inner-peace’ within inner-conflict
instead of taking it all out and facing it is destructive and harmful to
oneself, and if continued suppression in the form of finding ‘inner-peace’ is
used to deal with it, then that harmfulness and destructiveness will come out
and effect those in one’s life and one’s world. At least this is how I’ve
experienced it when I look back on my life. I have always regretted the things
I have done in moments of anger and frustration. I lost a ‘best friend’ because
of things I have said, and I have hurt people with my words. Finding
‘inner-peace’ is simply not an acceptable answer to life’s problems, in fact it
is the opposite. It is suppression and it will come out somewhere, somehow, at
a later time, and it will be an even bigger accumulation of emotional energy
that will be regretted.
I forgive myself
that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself in order to experience
‘inner peace’, instead of facing myself head on and addressing that which I am
preoccupying myself with by doing self-forgiveness, either out loud or written,
or at least making a note about it so I can do it when I have a chance.
I forgive myself
that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself and push myself down
within me instead of pulling myself out and dealing with my accepted and
allowed thought patterns in order to deal with them and thus take steps towards
full self-direction and self-responsibility.
I forgive myself
that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself as procrastination
because I ‘choose’ to fall in the face of the resistances I manifest for myself
towards facing myself.
I forgive myself
that I accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that ‘I’m too busy’ to
avoid facing myself within and through writing self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself
that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘choose’ to fall in the face of
self-created resistances instead of standing up for myself in every moment.
I forgive myself
that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate because it’s ‘easier’,
instead of taking responsibility for myself. Within this I forgive myself that
I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that procrastination is
easier when it is actually putting something off to accumulate and become
bigger, harder and more complicated later.
I forgive myself
that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manifest resistances towards writing self-forgiveness and towards facing
me.
I forgive myself
that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear facing me.
I forgive myself
that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take complete responsibility for
myself and my world, by allowing my thoughts to direct me, instead of directing
myself in the moment, and by suppressing me to face myself as a bigger problem
later instead of facing myself in the moment.
I forgive myself
that I accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of peace
and conflict, and peace and chaos by participating in the chaos of a full house
instead of breathing and focusing on staying present in awareness in every
moment, then by searching for ‘inner peace’ as an ‘escape’, and then afterwards by participating within and as the
inner experience of ‘outbursts’ of frustration and anger towards small events
in my life.
I forgive myself
that I accepted and allowed myself to utilize the search for, or attempt at
‘inner peace’ as an escape, to escape from the consequences of my participation
in all the energies of a family visit, and all the thoughts, feelings,
emotions, judgments and reactions that I created and preoccupied myself with
afterwards.
I forgive myself
that I accepted and allowed myself to search for or attempt to achieve ‘inner
peace’ because of suppressed guilt for past actions.
I forgive myself
that I accepted and allowed myself to search for or attempt to achieve ‘inner
peace’ because of my guilt for all the times I have reacted to and judged
others during visits, and then accepting and allowing myself to participate
within these judgments and reaction after they leave, instead of remaining
present and aware during the visit and not participating in judgments and
reactions, and also instead of realizing that the only judgment is
self-judgment, and that is something I need to address within me, as me.
I forgive myself
that I accepted and allowed myself to search for or attempt to manifest ‘inner peace’
instead of dealing with past guilt for all the times I participated in
‘outbursts’ of anger and frustration, wherein I said things I didn’t mean, or
did things I knew I shouldn’t do, simply to release myself of my anger and
frustration as an outward projection so that I ‘feel better’ in the moment. I
realize that this is complete self-interest because that ‘feeling better’ is
not real and is achieved at the expense of those around me. It is only
temporary, and much like my participation within ‘inner peace’, it is an action
that accumulates consequences and creates bigger problems for me to deal with.
I realize I would rather take self-responsibility and deal with myself and my
manifestations in the moment because that is the simplest and most efficient
way to do it. I also realize that I would rather consider those around me as
one with me, and take responsibility for myself instead of lashing out at those
around me because I do not accept or allow myself to project my frustration and
anger on to others because that is not a solution.
Redefining Words: Peace
Peace (+)
Quiet
Calm
Still
Nothingness
Alone
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to charge the word peace with a positive charge/value.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to judge the word ‘peace’ as good/right/positive.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ by judging it as
good/right/positive.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to connect the word ‘peace’ with the word ‘quiet’.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘quiet’.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ and from the word
‘quiet’ by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘quite’ in separation of
myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to connect the word peace to the word ‘calm’.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘calm’.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace ‘ and from the word
‘calm’ by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘calm’ in separation of
myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to connect the word ‘peace’ with the word ‘still’.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘still’.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ and from the word
‘still’ by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘still’ in separation of
myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to connect the word ‘peace’ with the word ‘nothingness’.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘nothingness’.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ and from the word
‘nothingness’ by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘nothingness’ in
separation of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to connect the word ‘peace’ with the word ‘alone’.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘alone’.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ and from the word’ alone’
by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘alone’ in separation of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to
Peace- my current allocation:
Quiet, Calm, Still, Nothingness,
Alone
Dictionary definition:
cessation of or freedom from any strife or dissension.
EXPAND
6.
freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety, an
obsession, etc.; tranquillity; serenity.
7.
a state of tranquillity or serenity: May he rest in
peace.
8.
a state or condition conducive to, proceeding from, or
characterized by tranquillity: the peace of a mountain resort.
9.
silence; stillness: The cawing of a crow broke the
afternoon's peace.
Although this definition looks
attractive as an idea, it offers no
practical way to achieve it within oneself.
Sounds like: appease, wherein I
appease myself within and through suppression to, for a moment, experience some
kind of peace.
Or: piece, wherein only a ‘piece’
of me is peaceful, and so I focus only on that one piece instead of taking the
entirety of myself into consideration.
So, my new definition for the word
peace (with regards to, specifically, ‘inner-peace’) is:
Breathing as self in awareness, to
remain self-honest within and through any and all situations and walking them
through to stability. Finding practical solutions to
problems/friction/conflict, and walking those solutions as the practical application
of them as Who I Am.
