I just handed in a big final take-home exam that had been consuming me for the past 3-4 days. I handed it in and left class because there was no reason to stick around.
As I was going down the escalators I realized that my mind was desperately wanting something, it was looking to be rewarded for all that hard work. First it wanted booze, to go out and have a big hoorah to release all the seriousness and focus I had just endured. So I breathed in self-honesty to check if I still had the desire, and it was a no. The desire wasn't real, it was habit.
When I ruled out booze, smoking came up. I can have a cigarette, what a nice treat! So again, I breathed, nope, not real.
Candy? I'm always up for some candy! -breathed, no, not real.
Well at least I can have icecream when I get home. -Nope, not tempting.
Well I can't just go home and get nothing after all that hard work! -yes, actually I can, and I am not diminished, I am actually a little more stable.
This was one of the hundreds of little battles that go on in my mind during the day. I don't 'deserve' or 'need' to be rewarded or to go out and party because I applied myself at something. This is what you call participation in polarity, where there's 'only working' and 'only relaxing', two separate states of being that need to balance each other out, when really it is just suppression and/or escape/entertainment..
I don't release anything when I eat, smoke, drink or party. I suppress. That is why I need to live breath by breath, aware in every moment of what my mind is up to, where is it trying to tempt me away from facing myself and facing reality, and breathe through those temptations, because they are escapes. I did not resist the temptations, I saw them for what they really were.
Whatever we resist persists. I face me here, in every moment.
So, I breathed through it this time, but this is the first time I displayed that much directive over myself when it comes to this type of thing, so I'm going to do self-forgiveness for the temptations I manifest as well as for past failings that I carry around. I need to release them so that I don't cycle them back into my present awareness during weak moments and use them against myself in self-sabotage.
I just remembered that a couple of days ago I felt I had been doing pretty well with breathing through sugar craving and not caving in self-defeat, so I thought I was ready for 21 days without sugar. I started the morning off well, with no sugar in my coffee, and then I said it out loud to my mom, "I'm not going to eat sugar for 21 days."
The moment I said that I had an immediate sugar craving. Every time I saw something sweet I had serious charges within my body, longing, feeling deprived, fantasizing....
That night as I was working on my paper I couldn't resist it anymore. In a moment of absolute weakness and self sabotage I drove to mini-cout and bought chocolate and fizzy balls and ate till I was sick!!!!
So, needless to say I fell. Forgiveness is required so that I can build myself back up and eventually stand as stability in the face of anything my mind throws at me. I've got a ways to go, but I am experiencing the slow shift towards stability. Today I stood, +1.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lack the awareness to catch desires the moment they pop up, and see them for what they really are. Instead I let them free to build themselves up until they are unconquerable forces.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my desires build up and become too big for me to let go.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe these desires are real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have nothing to do with their existence, when in fact I feed them with images, word associations, thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed my desires so that I cave in to them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create cravings within myself, using the same techniques as above.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience self-pity and disappointment when I don't get what I want. I am here, stable, I allow myself to remain unaffected by my desires and stable within not feeding them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave like a child who doesn't get what it wants. I allow myself to parent myself using discipline and self-will. I move myself according to what is best for all, therefor what is best for me. Self first, I take care of self in every moment so that I can be effective and stand.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to be rewarded and relax after I've done something focused.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let desires come up in my mind and believe them to be needs.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my desires.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become distracted away from facing myself by manifested desires.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself by succumbing to desires in my world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create energetic charges within myself that make my manifested desires seem so real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in polarity instead of remaining here, constant.
In this self-forgiveness, I allow myself to remain aware of my mind's tendency to manifest the experience of desires and cravings, and I allow myself to breathe through them the moment they come up, knowing that is the only way to be effective at directing myself through cravings, temptations and desires.
I also allow myself to remain stable and not participate in polarity. I am here, constant. I allow myself to live without participation in energy.
I trust myself to live these corrective statements.I trust myself to remain here. I trust myself to be aware in every moment.
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