slipping, slowly, submitting

I have definitely experienced some serious reality checks which I have been denying for the past couple days but now they have become undeniable.

First of all, I have to admit that I have, over the past week or 29 years or so, not been my directive principle. The experience has been like I am a passenger in this gigantic robot, and I'll command it but in the end it does what it wants.

Lately I've been planning out my days and I'll find it very difficult to stick to that plan, but it is not difficult, it's just not happening. I guess I'm realizing how little control I have over myself.

In terms of my ocd, it's like, I'll look at my hands and think to myself, I don't even have control over my own two hands. They have a life of their own.

This had been getting worse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit my directive principle to my mind and act as a passenger wherein I allow my mind to be captain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my mind to be the captain of me, it will only lead me nowhere fast. I need to stand up now and take back control of my body and my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility to my mind, where I believe things are easier and more comfortable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that taking the mind route is the easier route. The opposite id true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to take the easy way out of life and not stand up because it's hard or uncomfortable for me.

I don't participate in those beliefs and let them pass over my as they come up. They do not serve me and I know they are created by my mind in order to have me repeat some pattern that has never served me nor done anythiing good in my life. Stopping the participation, standing up and directing myself are the only things that have even done anything to serve me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am lazy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can't do it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the bad feeling I get when I push myself will last forever.

I am not lazy, I move myself through life responsibly, doing things thoughtfully and attentively, improving myself within every challenge.

I can do it, I am doing it, I will apply myself a little more with every challenge.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that, when I'm alone, I don't count, meaning, I feel my actions are irrelevant and inconsequential. In this case, the opposite is true. It is when I am alone that I am most myself, without anybody to tell me who I am or reflect myself back to me. This is when my actions matter most because I am alone with me and all I have to count on is my self-direction.

I have to snap out of this funk and face myself now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slip back into the mind, I bring myself back here now. Every moment counts, it all matters

i'd like to unpack two heavy pieces of baggage that I'm done carrying around.

1) The cottage
2) AIDS

1) My mom and dad built an amazing cottage on an island in a lake north west of montreal.

They did the work all themselves with the help of their friends and family. My mom was pregnant with my sister while it was being built, my dad put a lot in to it, he designed it.

My sister and I grew up there, it was a big part of our lives up until we were teenagers. It was a big part of the whole family.

One weekend I had some friends up. We were about 17-18, one of the friend's was about to become my first boyfriend.

Monday morning, we were back in montreal, and we got an early phone call that the cottage had burned down.

I felt numb, I burried my feelings deep.

I told the guy who would later be my boyfriend about it, and he said he had smoked a cigarette behind the cabin right before we left to go home. He said he put it out under the cabin (near the propane tanks), and that he made sure it was out.

I don't know why he told me that, and I don't know if it was the cause of the fire. The truth is, it likely was.

I didn't tell my parents because I started dating that boy and I didn't want them to hate him.

Also, I wasn't positive he was the cause.

Also I figured what's done is done, telling on him wouldn't make a difference.

Besides, my family took it pretty well, my dad especially.

But then weeks later, my dad and I were talking in the kitchen about it, and he just started telling me about all the things he could have done wrong - not turned off the water heater, -left a propane tank on, -not closed a propane lamp properly. All things that he had always been adamant about checking every time... the he broke down.

That was the first time I saw him cry in my life. To this day I wonder if he carries guilt or anything around, and I always wrestled with whether or not I should tell him. I still don't know. At this point, so much time has passed that it seems like it would be dredging up too much. So I made the decision not to tell him, but I always felt bad about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry around emotions that I manifested in the past due to actions I took in self-preservation and self interest, not taking all in to consideration, and I bring it back here, to forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dishonest out of fear of reprimand and conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to withhold information from another, thus burdening myself with guilt because I thought I was saving another from reprimand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-interest above that of the potential truth and honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to something and define myself by it and be affected by it when I was in an impossible situation as I didn't know the truth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and responsible for my dad's breakdown, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry those feelings around with me my whole life instead of letting them go because they do not serve me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was the cause of my dad's breakdown and to carry shame and anger with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to also feel empowered at the same time, because I had this information that could change the situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience this empowerment because I actually wanted power over my own mind and emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel empowered because if I told, he would be in big trouble.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience feelings of empowerment due to the power I held of allowing or not allowing another to experience consequences, when what I really want is that same power over my own consequences.

_________________