Coming back from the Edge -back into Focus

day 10-

I can feel myself slipping back to the way things were.

I just experienced a week where I had a lot of schoolwork due as well as other responsibilities, which made me very busy. I didn't handle myself perfectly but I do see some progress in my effectiveness in juggling tasks.

Before I just avoided everything and lived a life where I had minimal responsibilities because a became overwhelmed easily. Now I'm pushing through the points of getting things done and keeping up on them. As it turns out, very little is done in one step, most everything requires follow up. I dropped the ball on a few things, but I will do them first thing tomorrow.

This evening I had some time and I realized that all the busyness kept me focused. But it wasn't a self-directed focus, it was more like a go-with-the-flow movement. Then all of a sudden I was idle, and I began to slip.

The good thing is I directed myself within stress, both by not participating in it, by stopping it and by breathing through it and bringing myself back when it would start to get the best of me. Last semester exam period broke me down, not this time.

My question is, when one is experiencing a moment of possession, is there anything to do in the moment. When I become possessed, I try to bring myself back here and I get no response, I try to breath but it's very forced and uncomfortable, I try sf but I feel no clarity.

Is it best to just wait it out, like, breathe until it's over? Or to apply the tools even if they don't seem to be working? When I get like that I feel like it's going to last forever.

Also, if bulimics are possessed all the time, does that mean I am too with ocd? Possessed all the time?

Anyways, I'm just taking this moment to stop slipping. To regain my stability, and to forgive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear illness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape into mind possessions so I don't have to face myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fear facing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting people down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear spiraling out of control.

My sf is everywhere.

I'll focus on focus.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose my focus.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spread myself out too thin and missing what's here in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself within focus, wherein focusing involves taking in to account what is here and using common sense to mmove myself effectively. Lack of focus is when I drift around through the day taking my time to accomplish nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid focusing myself in order to avoid facing myself and my reality in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid focusing my attention on what's important to my situation at the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to see everything which stops me from seeing anything clearly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that focusing is hard.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that focusing is boring and strenuous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my mind to win the focus/don't focus battle because I believe it to be hard to focus and easy to drift around in the clouds, clouding my vision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not direct myself here in awareness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe because I put effort in all week, that I 'deserve a break." My whole life has been a break.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the polarity of busy/stagnant.

I breathe through my resistance to focusing, let the waves pass over me, they will lessen.

I slow down so that I can realize when I'm not focused, stop, breathe and use common sense by asking myself:

what am I trying to do right now?

What is my starting point within this?

Who am I within this?

What is my relationship to this?

What common sense can I use to determine my next move?

Breathe through the resistances and move