My experience today walking around percival was revealing and unexpected. I thought I had no nostalgia for that place, but tonight in the rain I became overwhelmed.
When I left montreal it was a clean cut, I left everything and I didn't look back. Now, ten years later, seeing my old house and the street where I spent so much time, the trees I used to climb, the parks I used to play in (then drink, smoke and do mushrooms in). Everything was exactly the same, and I realized I knew every crack in the path in the park and how it would feel to step on it, and I knew every limb of every tree, I could tell which limbs were missing, which trees were missing, I even saw an old painting I had done on a wall in the train yard.
It felt like absolute proof that I had existed, it was really sad and I had a lot of memories of my dog come up and lonely walks with him. So, because I had such a big reaction to this experience I'm going to put my other project on pause for one more night.
I tried to deal with this once I realized what was going on. At first I jumped all over the reaction because of an old habit, pre-desteni I thought it was a defect that I never felt strongly about anything. I would force myself to cry at funerals and act really excited when appropriate, so whenever I did actually feel something I would try to feed it and grow it, thinking it was making me more human. Now I'm glad I was that way, although it did enough damage that I'm required to do much sf on. So when I started to feel nostalgic I went in to feeding it and nursing it, trying to cry to show myself I existed. When I finally squeezed out a tear I felt like a fraud, then I remembered that this is a no-no.
It was really hard to see through it at first, but I managed talk talk myself back.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on who I was/who I have been in the past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mourn losing a part of myself as my mind, as my mind-created definition of who I am as a personality based on life experiences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the feeling of nostalgia sadness and sorrow, manifested by my mind as enslavement, as the enslavement of me through my addiction to the energetic emotional charges triggered by images in my environment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to recycle old feelings of lostness and loneliness that I felt as a child, and then feel sad as if I miss those feelings, or that I miss myself or who I was. As if in my not participating I will be missing something important, or something of myself will be missed or forgotten.
Then, as I was walking and realizing how I knew every crack in the sidewalk and every puddle and plant, I realized that everything is still here, and I am here with it, as my physical body at least. The only thing that was missing was my mind, who was so busy missing that place so much that it totally missed it in fact! My mind was so occupied in memories and nostalgia that it was not present in the moment to be with what it was missing.
So, lots more breath and lots more walking until the reaction stopped.
A really cool realization for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss rocky.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss myself as who I was in relation to rocky.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mourn the loss of myself as a part of my self-definition when rocky died.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame, remorse and regret from everything I should have done for/with rocky before he died, which I now manifest as an experience for myself every time I think of him.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself with all this sadness I have associated with who I was and with rocky dying.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the sadness I experience in relation to rocky's death as a means to feel more like a human being that is real and has real experiences because she feels.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I require emotions to be human.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe emotions are proof I exist.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe emotions are real simply because I feel them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on my mind to tell me what is real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe an experience is more profound if I associate emotions with it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use emotions to avoid facing myself Here in every moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to require validation of my realness through emotions, which are not real at all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss what 'I had' with rocky, not realizing that 'what I had' I had with myself.
What I had with Rocky was a closeness unlike anything I had ever known, a communication and understanding I never experienced with a human. There was trust and no bullshit. But now I see that I separated myself from having that relationship with myself by projecting it on to rocky. When he died I was probably so sad because I thought I would never have that type of relationship again. But I can have that type of relationship within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from sel-fcommunication.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from self-understanding.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from self-trust.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from a no-nonsense relationship within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I did not deserve rocky's trust, when it is my own trust I do not feel I deserve.
I allow myself to trust myself.
I allow myself to have closeness and understanding with myself.
I allow myself to have no bullshit with myself.
I allow myself to have unconditional communication within myself.
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