What I learned from a Puppy

            I’m taking care of a friend’s puppy this weekend and I had a realization that eluded me for all my 15 years of dog ownership. I was walking the puppy this morning because she was full of energy and had begun causing the types of problems that an energetic puppy will cause (biting the kids, chewing everything, jumping up). I told the kids that when a puppy starts to behave this way it’s not because she’s a ‘bad’ puppy, it’s because she needs to get some exercise. Lots of exercise. So I brought her out for a walk.

            I had a destination in mind: the dog run, where I could let her off her leash to run and exert herself. As we were walking the puppy wanted to stop every couple of steps to sniff around. I found myself pulling her and telling her to ‘come!’ and continue walking so we could get to the park to run. I thought I had her best interest in mind, but when I got to the park I took a moment to myself to just breathe, and I realized that I was participating in my mind. So while she ran around, I focused on my breath until the ‘rushed’ feeling of ‘getting to a destination’ subsided, and all that was left was me watching a puppy enjoy herself and her world.

            On the way back I took a different approach. I realized that even if it took me twice as long to get home, it didn’t matter, it would still be less than 30 minutes of my day. So it might take 30 minutes instead of 15 minutes to get home; the question is, would that really make that big of a difference in my day? No. Would the puppy enjoy smelling every tree and fire hydrant along the way? Yes. Is this walk about me or the puppy? The puppy. And that was my realization: I am doing this for her. I took on the responsibility to care for a puppy, so it is my responsibility to set aside enough time to give her a walk that’s about her, and not about me.

            When I am rushed, when I have projected a planned destination and focus too much on ‘getting there’ instead of watching the puppy and observing what the puppy is enjoying, then I am making the walk about me. It’s not a matter of letting her do whatever she wants; I still have my rules about not going on the road, not pulling on the leash and not venturing too far into people’s yards, and I am consistent with those rules. In this way, I am the boss, because of city rules and safety requirements. So I need to earn the puppy’s respect in this way- through consistency in upholding the rules. But in looking at the situation from a starting point of equality, wherein I put my wants, needs and desires aside in order to look at the situation from a common sense perspective, I see that if I just breathe through my automatic feelings of ‘rushed’ and the pressure of ‘getting there’, then I am giving the puppy a chance to really enjoy herself and explore her world for the first time. She’s so young, all the smells must be fascinating and exciting and new to her.  I was actually able to get over feeling like she was ‘slowing us down’ or ‘taking too long’, so that I could actually enjoy watching her sniff the grass and find little sticks and flowers to bite. It was like every little thing she found needed to be sniffed, bitten, scratched or rolled in. It was really cool to be able to put my self-interest aside and watch her discover the world.

            The cool thing about dogs is that, even as they get older they never seem to stop wanting to play, discover and explore. So when I mind even older dogs I will remember what I learned from the puppy today: the walks are not about me, they are about the dogs. It is my responsibility to set aside enough time to allow the dogs to thoroughly enjoy themselves when we go out for walks. It is my responsibility to remain patient, and to not accept or allow myself to go into my programmed pattern of ‘walking to get somewhere’ and instead just enjoying the walk. This is not about getting from point ‘A’ to point ‘B’ by taking the quickest route. It is about living in the Hereness of the moment, and it’s about enjoyment.
          In the bigger picture: when I take responsibility for something, that deosn't mean I then have the right or authority to make it about me; I will remember that whatever I participate in involves a consideration for not only myself, but the other beings that might be involved in my reality. We can't go through life functioning as though we are all that needs to be considered, even when whatever it is we are doing may seem to be in the best interest of others- that may not be the case.

          It is not necessarily only about the activity we are physically participating in that counts, it is who we are within what we are doing. The difference here is the fact that, either way- the dog would have gotten her excercise. But when I put my self-interest aside, I was able to give the puppy a better quality of experience.
          When I take this lesson and incorporate it into everything I do, my living actions will create a better quality experience for all those with whom I interact. Furthermore, putting my wants and desires aside also allows me to be present in the moment, so in this way, I am also benefitting myself.

            So, thank you Tilley, you’ve taught me a valuable life lesson which I will not forget. One which, when I live and apply every time I am in a similar situation, will actually be a benefit in my life and in the lives of those around me. I will build patience, awareness and enjoyment, and a higher quality ineraction than what I have become used to in life.
          I guess everyone has a lesson to teach, so long as we are able to stop listening only to our own minds, and instead open our eyes and ears and learn. Today a puppy taught me how to form relationships of quality with those around me through a consideration of others, and so I am humbled and open to any other lessons life will inevitably present me with.
https://steemit.com/dogs/@kimzilla/profound-life-lesson-learned-from-a-puppy

Over-Active imagination

            When I was little I was very shy. I still am a bit, however, since I started using the Desteni tools I have changed that very much. But when I look back at my life, especially when I was quite young, I remember moments in which I would have this absolute fear of interacting with people. It was usually adults, or other children, like the loud and boisterous type for example. Interacting with them would make me react where within myself I felt very sensitive (much like an open wound) and I was fearful that they would hurt me (like touch on a nerve at any moment). It reminds me of being at the dentist and getting a cavity filled, when Iworry he’ll drill too far and hit a nerve and I don’t trust that he will be careful enough.

These types of people seemed unpredictable to me and I didn’t trust that they wouldn’t embarrass me or hurt me. I also found it hard to relate to them because I was so quiet and introverted. I would play by myself with toys like stuffed animals or lego or little figurines. But the reality is that I longed to have real connections with real people. Instead I feard interaction and had an ‘active imagination’ where I could ‘entertain’ myself for hours.

It’s interesting when I look at what it was that I was doing with these toys: I was creating personalities for them and having them interact in ways that I longed to do myself. This kept me satisfied and created a situation where I could experience these desires for a personal connection by projecting it on to toys and playing it out in my mind instead of actually experiencing it for myself in real life. As I got older I stopped using toys and I would simply fantasize about my wants and desires. I remember in fourth grade I was watching some girls fearlessly interacting. They were being loud and laughing and expressing themselves, and I longed for that. But instead of facing my fear I remained quiet.

I would imagine myself doing all sorts of things and being the person I longed to be, whether it was funny or outspoken or what have you- but in the real world I was isolated and lonely. I realize now that an imaginary world is a safe world. It is not real and it distracts and ‘protects’ one from facing one’s own fears. For a long time I saw it as a virtue or a special quality that made me ‘deep’ or ‘mysterious’ as I have recently been called. But the real truth is that I became so comfortable with going into my imagination instead of being present and aware in reality that I would just go there (into my mind) whenever I experienced the slightest fear, discomfort, boredom or difficulty. It is and was an absolute escape which, when I look back, diminished my actual living experience and relationships, and I had myself believing that the world was a scary and hostile place compared to my inner world.

I’m teaching myself now, with the Desteni tools of breath and corrective application, to remain present in situations, wherein I participate in my world instead of escaping it. When I catch myself in my imagination I remember to breathe and bring myself back to awareness and I stop my mind and let the fantasy fall away and disappear. It just crumbles away and becomes nothing because that is what it really is: it’s an energetic experience that I use to make myself feel things I long for in real life, self-created experiences which are not real and which have the opposite effect in my real life- wherein I live in isolation, silence, obscurity and fear.

Now I have developed the courage to start realizing who I really am by facing these social fears and actually participating with other people in my world- not just the ones I feel ‘safe’ with. The most noteworthy examples for me are my interactions at school. I pushed myself to speak up in class in front of sometimes huge classes of over a hundred people. I started volunteering to lead groups or to be the one that presents group findings to the class, and I have begun to initiate conversations with classmates who I didn’t know. The results have been very satisfying in terms of my quality of life as well as what I have proven to myself in terms of what I am capable of versus what I ‘believed’ I am capable of. But I'm not done yet…..

I am 30 now and have been using the Desteni tools for about 2 years. So that means that for 28 years I have pretty much fully used the escape of imagination in an unrestrained manner. I have developed many ‘coping techniques’ with it that have not been constructive in my life, and which I still catch myself falling in to from time to time. The times that I still find myself tempted by my fantasy world are when I’m either reading course material or in class and I start to get ‘bored’. I realize here that I’m not actually bored, what happens is I get to a point or a concept that I don’t understand, and instead of pushing through and directing myself to understand I escape and start fantasizing. This tactic essentially led me to flunk out of college years ago, and it is an ingrained habit now to the extent that it is a really struggle for me to stay present and hear what is being said by the teacher, or absorb what it is that I am reading. This stops here, because every time I escape into my fantasy world of fairytales I am letting my life pass me by.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place great value in people with a ‘wild’ imagination.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place value in my ability to get lost in my imagination.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I ‘get lost’ in my mind and hide there that I am ‘deep’ or ‘mysterious’ instead of realizing that I am actually missing out on exactly that which I desire to experience in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people who have a wild/wide/big imagination are special and gifted.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I ‘have a wild imagination; that I am ‘special’ or ‘gifted’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide out in imaginary fairy tales, because I don’t want to have to deal with the actual reality and my actual experience of myself within this reality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear this reality and the people, places and things within it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that others can hurt or embarrass me, instead of realizing that only I can accept or allow myself to be hurt or embarrassed by attempting to do or be something that I am not yet, but only want, need or desire myself to be as an energetic experience as ego.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give away my power and my self-directive principle by believing that others outside of me can hurt or embarrass me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give away my power and my self-directive principle by fearing others and situations outside of me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give away my power and my self-directive principle by fearing expressing myself outwardly and fully participating as myself in my world.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, need or desire certain experiences and relationships, and to project those experiences and relationships in my imagination instead of living and applying myself in my world within the principles of oneness and equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divert my attention from what is here, by creating a whole new world in my mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to divert my attention from what is here when things are tough, scary or difficult to understand, by creating a whole world in my mind where I perceive that I am safe, instead of realizing that in so doing I am missing out on moments where I can direct me to be and become a more effective, expressive and understanding human being.

I realize that a ‘wild’ imagination has no value because it is not real. It is a lonely ‘place’ that only I can experience and I would rather take every opportunity to live for real in the physical world Here, where we all exists together, where I can exist in such a way that creates a better world by living the principles of oneness and equality and treating others as I would like to be treated.

I realize that in escaping into my imagination when things get tough, ‘scary’ or difficult to understand, I am only preventing myself from developing and expanding myself, and in this way I am diminishing myself by not allowing myself to be learning, doing and being, but instead am letting life pass me by.

I realize that wanting, needing and desiring certain types of experiences and relationships will not achieve them because it is coming from a starting point of self-interest, and that real interactions and events will be fulfilling and of quality when I walk into and as them from a starting point of oneness and equality with no expectations other than self-honestly walking Here.

I realize that allowing myself to become ‘lost’ in my imagination is escapism and is not me directing myself Here in the real world- in the physical world where we all exist together, which is the only place I can be real and whole and bring about change.

I do not accept or allow myself to escape into my imagination.

I do not accept or allow myself to use fear or difficulty as excuses to escape Here.

I do not accept or allow myself to fear or avoid facing me in every moment.

I do not accept or allow myself to limit or diminish myself by hiding in my mind.

I accept and allow myself to face me in every moment.

I accept and allow myself to push through moments of difficulty and fear.

I accept and allow myself to remain present and participate fully in the real world, which is the only place that is real and that matters.

I accept and allow myself to fearlessly express me within the understanding that nothing and no one can hurt, embarrass, limit or diminish me except me, and I will not allow myself to participate in this type of behavior from here on out.

Redefining ‘Imagination:

Imagination

-fun

-safe

-special

-exciting

-mine

-escape

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to charge the word imagination with a positive charge.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that ‘imagination’ is good/right/positive.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word ‘imagination’ by defining the word ‘imagination’ as positive/good/right.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to connect the word ‘imagination’ to the word ‘fun’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘fun’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word ‘imagination’ and from the word ‘fun’ by defining the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘fun’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself toconnect the word ‘imagination’ to the word ‘safe’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘safe’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word ‘imagination’ and from the word ‘safe’ by defining the word ‘imagination within the word ‘safe’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself toconnect the word ‘imagination’ to the word ‘special’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘special’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word imagination and from the word ‘special by defining the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘special’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to connect the word ‘imagination’ to the word ‘exciting’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘exciting’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself form the word ‘imagination’ and from the word ‘exciting’ by defining the word ‘imagination’ within te word ‘exciting’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to connect the word ‘imagination’ to the word ‘mine’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘mine’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word ‘imagination’ and from the word ‘mine’ by defining the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘mine’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to connect the word ‘imagination’ to the word ‘escape’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the word imagination within the word ‘escape’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word ‘imagination’ and from the word ‘escape’ by defining the word ‘imagination’ within the word ‘escape’ in separation of me.

Imagination: my current allocation: -fun

-safe, special, exciting, mine, escape.

Dictionary definition:

Imagination: the act or power of forming a mental image of something not present to the senses or never before wholly perceived in reality

2

a: creative ability b: ability to confront and deal with a problem : resourcefulness <use your imagination and get us out of here> c: the thinking or active mind : interest <stories that fired the imagination>

3

a: a creation of the mind; especially: an idealized or poetic creation b: fanciful or empty assumption

Sounds like:

Image I nation

The creation of the nation in the image and likeness of all individual “I”’s, wherein I direct myself as ‘I’ to see myself reflected in the image of the nation, I walk within and as the nation of “I”’s equal and one, until the image I see reflected by the nation is equal to and one with all that is Here. Within this, I use the imagination as the act or power of forming an understanding of what is Here, as a resourcefulness to see and face me and my world, and the creative ability to confront obstacles within common sense, and to deal with them in practically applicable ways, instead of using that ability as an escape into fantasies.

Negative Self-Talk Chipping Away at my Resolve

Fear of Failure - Back Chat

I heard a quote similar to this (title) the other day. Actually it was “backchat chipping away at your resolve micro piece by micro piece,” (BP) and it hit me. Something clicked within me with regards to the nature of back chat, of my back chat and of what it is doing to me and in my life. I have been noticing that as I get closer to the end of my stay in my hometown, and to the end of my semester at school, I’ve been feeling more and more defeated. I’ve been feeling like I can’t handle the pressure, like events in my life are ‘bigger than me’, and like I’ll never get through the end of the semester. It’s a really shitty feeling. I feel plagued with self-doubt and I feel like I’m in this endless battle with myself to just continue applying myself as I have been doing.

My husband calls this the ‘home stretch’, and he’s saying don’t give up now, and I agree. But what’s missing is my resolve. The only thing is, which is kind of funny to me, is that it’s not being replaced with a giving up or a stopping. It’s like, I’ve already proven to myself that I can do this; I absolutely will not quit; stopping is simply not an option…. So I’m just kind of in this limbo. And this is where my understanding of back chat really clicked.

            I have understood the concept of back chat (inner voices or negative self-talk… Ive also heard it called self-defeating thoughts) for a long time, but it never really clicked where I could see it clearly in my own life. It’s partly because for me it’s not clear voices with words, it more like feelings and images, like ‘scenes’ which are accompanied by feelings and emotions. Like for the thought ‘what if I fail at school’ or ‘I fear failing at school’, I don’t get that sentence or even any words, it’s more like this picture of me in my life, and then the faces of all the people I feel I would disappoint, and then I imagine the feeling of telling them I failed.

I have been having lots of thoughts along these lines, and it has been chipping away at my resolve, so it’s time to rein them in and start deleting them.

Deleting Backchat:

Failure: (school)

I fear failing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect failure with fear, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the thought of failure with fear energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing because I think/believe/perceive I will be exposed as a fraud.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am smart/intelligent/bright, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire those around me to think/believe/perceive this of me as well.

            If I feel I need others to think/believe/perceive this about me then it means I don’t really think/believe/perceive it about myself because I require the validation of ‘others’ outside of me. So I have separated myself from being smart/intelligent/bright.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect being smart/intelligent/bright with acceptance by the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire the validation of others in order for me to feel smart/intelligent/bright.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from being smart/intelligent/bright by wanting/needing/desiring these qualities and thinking/believing/perceiving them as something to obtain outside of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to be seen as smart/intelligent/bright, thus separating myself from being smart/intelligent/bright and then creating the belief that I am not smart/intelligent/bright and thus manifesting the fear that ‘’people’ will ‘find out’ that I’m not smart/intelligent/bright.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as dumb/unintelligent/dull.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am dumb/unintelligent/dull.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being dumb/unintelligent/dull.

This is bringing up a memory, one from second grade, where I was placed into some kind of special class for ‘slow learners’. At some point all the students would leave one classroom to go to another one, and instead of going with them, I would go the other way to my special class. I remember some students looking at me and in that moment I felt singled out. In that moment I thought the other students were either wondering where I was going, or if they knew that I was in this special class, and then I reflected self-judgment off of them that I was not as smart/intelligent/bright as them.

The relevant points within this memory are:

- the fact that I felt singled out and different from the other students.

-I felt less-than (not as smart/intelligent/bright as the ‘regular’ students)

-I defined myself by this memory (as dumb/unintelligent/dull)

I hold on to this memory because

-          it was a moment in my life where I allowed myself to be diminished my thoughts, feelings and emotions instead of taking responsibility for them.

-          I let myself think these negative things about myself and then I believed them and carried them with me, and allowed them to affect me in many other situations in my life. So I used this memory to define myself.

-          I allowed myself to use this memory as an excuse in many situations where I could have faced me and pushed myself, but I instead withdrew and gave up because I believed it to be real and true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect thinking/perceiving/believing myself to be dumb/unintelligent/dull to the memory of going to my special class in second grade.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the memory of going a separate way to a special class to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the memory of who I believed I was and the experience of myself as being different, singled out and less than, within going a separate way to a special class to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a memory of myself as dumb/unintelligent/dull to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a memory of defining myself in one moment as different and less-than, and as dumb/unintelligent/dull, to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a memory of self-judgment and the fear or perception of judgment of others towards me asa being dumb/unintelligent/dull to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a memory of going a separate way to a special class, feeling less-than and fearing the judgment of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the memory of how I experienced myself as I walked away from the group and went a separate way, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that memory and feeling to be real or to be who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the memory of defining or labeling myself as different and less-than the other students from my class.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the memory of experiencing self-pity because I felt singled out and different.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect going to a special class to self-pity and feeling less-than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this memory because I could use it to sabotage myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this memory because it confirmed the backchat that I was having at the time that I was different and less than because school was hard for me and I felt all the other students were having a good time and it was easy for them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this memory because it allowed me to pity myself instead of standing up from within my own back chat.

Connection to the Thought:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the fear of failing to the feeling of being singled out and different than others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the fear of failing to the emotional experience of feeling ‘less-than’ others, and believing them to be normal or regular and myself to be different or not as good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the fear of failing to the belief that I am dumb/unintelligent/dull- as I have defined myself by memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the fear of failure to self-diminishing thoughts and the power I allow them to have within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to my thoughts by believing them to be real and to be who I am.

I realize the fear of failure is not real, and all it does is cause distress within me. This affects my work and is completely unnecessary as I take longer and am less focused when I am working within a fear of failure.

I realize I have held on to a memory that I have used to define myself as not as capable as others, and I have used this memory and definition as an excuse, justification and reason to give up and fail in my life. This just creates a vicious circle because then I juge myself and confirm the memory and self-definition I created from it.

I do not allow myself to continue to hold on the memory of an experience I had in second grade.

I do not accept or allow myself to hold on to this self-created definition of myself a dumb/unintelligent/dull.

I do not allow myself to try to be seen as smart/intelligent/bright as a reaction to my self-definition.

I do not accept or allow myself to fear failing because it is not who I am. So I do not accept or allow myself to believe that if I fail it will change or prove or confirm anything.

I understand why and how I have created this back chat, and I see how I have utilized it in my life to diminish myself, and I no longer accept or allow this self-diminishing behavior, I see it for what it is and I do not allow it.

I bring myself back Here, out of my mind and in to my living reality, and I allow myself to take my work one step at a time and to do each step the best I can.

When I feel the thoughts coming up that I am ‘less-than’ or not ‘smart enough’ to do my work cause there’s ‘something different/wrong with me’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back Here and delete these thoughts within the understanding that they are not real and they do not serve me.

Inner-Peace as Suppression

Inner-Peace as Suppression

Self-forgiveness assists me to support myself to achieve an inner-silence or stillness that is different than anything I’ve ever experienced before. It’s different because I am, for the most part, in complete control of it. Meaning, I am completely responsible for it, and when intrusive thoughts start to appear, I see them for what they are. I see right through them and I know how to handle them. First, I choose not to participate with them as soon as they appear, I focus on my breath or my body or my physical surroundings (or all) and I keep myself Here in awareness. The thoughts that come usually carry with them some kind of emotional or feeling energy. Sometimes it’s stronger than others. When I notice it I’ll usually look at it to see what is it and where did it come from and why I may have brought it up. These questions can be answered by remembering self-forgiveness I have already done.  So, if it is for example, a thought about how my schoolwork is accumulating and I start to feel overwhelmed, I’ll recognize the pattern as self-sabotage where instead of starting to do my work I participate in overwhelming thoughts and sabotage myself from the start by procrastinating. This happens every time I have a big paper or exam and I procrastinate. I procrastinate because I feel overwhelmed and I don’t want to face it. But now, when I see the thought coming, and I look at it without participating in it, I see that it is ‘attached’ to this overwhelming feeling, so instead of participating within it and becoming overwhelmed, I simply stop it, breathe, and I get started on my work. Now I can use this particular pattern as a sign that I need to start working right away, or else I will sabotage myself and create a situation where everything is done at the last minute, and everything Is way more stressful than It needs to be. When I handle the situation this way I end up building self-confidence, self-reliance, self-trust, consistency, time management skills and so much more.

Self-forgiveness is like a skill in this way, or a tool. I use it when I’m interacting for example with children. Yesterday I was babysitting my niece and nephew, and they were tired so they were moody and acting up. It seemed as if every little thing would send one or the other into a tantrum. Instead of becoming frustrated and reacting by yelling or telling them to stop, I was able to clear my mind and contemplate how best to handle the situation or even realize what was causing the children themselves to react. I don’t always get it ‘right’, but it always turns out better than if I participate in the frustration, the anger, the impatience, and the lack of understanding that so often dominates interaction with emotional children.

The two scenarios I described are but two examples of the multitude of ways in which the practice of self-forgiveness has assisted and supported me in remaining quiet and stable within myself so that I can handle situations in Life without becoming influenced by the thoughts, feelings and emotions that so easily obscure common-sense. Handling situations in this way builds a stronger, more stable me that is capable of taking on Life no matter what comes my way. It is in these types of ways that I have proven to myself the effectiveness of self-forgiveness. But I also experience ‘negative’ proof of the effectiveness of self-forgiveness, and that is when I don’t do it regularly and I experience myself differently. When I don’t do self-forgiveness I start to get the mind chatter. I’m less aware of the thoughts I’m thinking and the emotion or feeling energy that is attached to them, so all of a sudden I am going through these ups and downs throughout my day and I have less of an idea why or how I am doing it to myself.

An example of this that I recently experienced was this past weekend when we had a house full of guests. There were twelve people here, plus two dogs that we’re dog-sitting (who can’t be together in the same room), plus I had to go to work and do my homework. I didn’t do any self-writing or self-forgiveness the whole time (using the excuse that I was too busy). I relied on past self-forgiveness, understanding and self-realizations as a platform of self-support to keep me stable throughout the experience, but along the way, many situations came up that I did not write out in order to get to the bottom of them, and instead I let myself ‘get away’ with them (instead of taking responsibility for them  by getting to the root of the problem within me and changing). I had reactions to people for not handling the children in the same way I would, I didn’t put aside enough time for my homework and fell behind, there were underlying stresses for me within my family, and other such things that can cause inner-irritation and dis-ease.

When everybody left I was exhausted, but I went up to my room to do my homework. I found it incredibly difficult- my head was full of accumulated thoughts, judgments and reactions from the weekend that I was allowing to distract me from my work and preoccupy me. This is when I tried to find ‘inner peace’ instead of using self-forgiveness. When I realized I couldn’t work effectively and I needed to do something I went to lay on the couch. I closed my eyes and I breathed. As everything started coming up I simply pushed it back down. I looked for a stillness or an ‘inner peace’ but what I was getting was suppression. I again used the excuse that I didn’t have time to write out self-forgiveness because I had to do my homework, so I did not understand the things I was feeling because I had not written them out. So instead of using the opportunity to look into these things that I am reacting to and figuring out why and how I can change me to handle them differently (in a way that supports me and assists me to move through experiences without accumulating inner dis-ease and turmoil), I simply lay down and tried to ignore them., I forced them down into myself so as not to have to deal with them. And that is how I found ‘inner-peace’. I closed my eyes and suppressed myself and in a sense, ‘shut my mind up’ forcibly, with no real understanding or realizations.

This is not growth, and it is not building self-confidence or self-trust. It is rather making the statement that I do not support me to stand up from within my self-created inner-experience, and instead I accept me as this self-defeat. Instead of bringing it out and untangling the mess I have created, I push it down and try to feel ‘okay’ with myself ‘the way I am’. But this ‘way’ that ‘I am’ is not the way nor the ‘I am’ that I accept or allow myself to be. However, in trying to find that ‘inner-peace’ despite the obvious inner turmoil and conflict, I am trying to force myself to ‘feel okay’ instead of taking responsibility for myself.

                The consequence of this suppression was later outbursts of frustration and anger towards little events that did not call for such reactions.  This is the polar-opposite experience of ‘inner-peace’. I experienced these outbursts (within myself towards my parents, for example, or the dogs, or my homework) because of my participation within the polarity of an ‘inner-peace’ that was not based on real ‘peace’ in terms of a self-confident understanding that I am directing myself and my world, but rather a state of self-suppression. As I have said: this is not real ‘peace’, it is escapism, trying to escape the world and everything in it, trying to hide myself instead of taking responsibility for myself in every moment. It can be tough sometimes (to take responsibility in every moment, write oneself out, do self-forgiveness, etc…), but the alternative is constantly moving between chaos and peace, and being a volatile person that can’t be trusted.  Living in a state of continued suppression is like living as a ticking time-bomb. I will not be that or expose anyone else to that.

I have ‘snapped’ before, in my life. I hit my dog once, years ago when he kept chasing skunks; I’ve said really mean things to people in moments of anger. Snapping or participating within these outbursts as a result of built up anger/frustration/irritation is never a beneficial thing. In fact, it is usually even more destructive. Finding ‘inner-peace’ within inner-conflict instead of taking it all out and facing it is destructive and harmful to oneself, and if continued suppression in the form of finding ‘inner-peace’ is used to deal with it, then that harmfulness and destructiveness will come out and effect those in one’s life and one’s world. At least this is how I’ve experienced it when I look back on my life. I have always regretted the things I have done in moments of anger and frustration. I lost a ‘best friend’ because of things I have said, and I have hurt people with my words. Finding ‘inner-peace’ is simply not an acceptable answer to life’s problems, in fact it is the opposite. It is suppression and it will come out somewhere, somehow, at a later time, and it will be an even bigger accumulation of emotional energy that will be regretted. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself in order to experience ‘inner peace’, instead of facing myself head on and addressing that which I am preoccupying myself with by doing self-forgiveness, either out loud or written, or at least making a note about it so I can do it when I have a chance.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself and push myself down within me instead of pulling myself out and dealing with my accepted and allowed thought patterns in order to deal with them and thus take steps towards full self-direction and self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself as procrastination because I ‘choose’ to fall in the face of the resistances I manifest for myself towards facing myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that ‘I’m too busy’ to avoid facing myself within and through writing self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘choose’ to fall in the face of self-created resistances instead of standing up for myself in every moment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate because it’s ‘easier’, instead of taking responsibility for myself. Within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that procrastination is easier when it is actually putting something off to accumulate and become bigger, harder and more complicated later.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manifest resistances towards  writing self-forgiveness and towards facing me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear facing me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take complete responsibility for myself and my world, by allowing my thoughts to direct me, instead of directing myself in the moment, and by suppressing me to face myself as a bigger problem later instead of facing myself in the moment.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of peace and conflict, and peace and chaos by participating in the chaos of a full house instead of breathing and focusing on staying present in awareness in every moment, then by searching for ‘inner peace’ as an ‘escape’, and then  afterwards by participating within and as the inner experience of ‘outbursts’ of frustration and anger towards small events in my life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to utilize the search for, or attempt at ‘inner peace’ as an escape, to escape from the consequences of my participation in all the energies of a family visit, and all the thoughts, feelings, emotions, judgments and reactions that I created and preoccupied myself with afterwards.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to search for or attempt to achieve ‘inner peace’ because of suppressed guilt for past actions.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to search for or attempt to achieve ‘inner peace’ because of my guilt for all the times I have reacted to and judged others during visits, and then accepting and allowing myself to participate within these judgments and reaction after they leave, instead of remaining present and aware during the visit and not participating in judgments and reactions, and also instead of realizing that the only judgment is self-judgment, and that is something I need to address within me, as me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to search for or attempt to manifest ‘inner peace’ instead of dealing with past guilt for all the times I participated in ‘outbursts’ of anger and frustration, wherein I said things I didn’t mean, or did things I knew I shouldn’t do, simply to release myself of my anger and frustration as an outward projection so that I ‘feel better’ in the moment. I realize that this is complete self-interest because that ‘feeling better’ is not real and is achieved at the expense of those around me. It is only temporary, and much like my participation within ‘inner peace’, it is an action that accumulates consequences and creates bigger problems for me to deal with. I realize I would rather take self-responsibility and deal with myself and my manifestations in the moment because that is the simplest and most efficient way to do it. I also realize that I would rather consider those around me as one with me, and take responsibility for myself instead of lashing out at those around me because I do not accept or allow myself to project my frustration and anger on to others because that is not a solution.

Redefining Words: Peace

Peace (+)

Quiet

Calm

Still

Nothingness

Alone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word peace with a positive charge/value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word ‘peace’ as good/right/positive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ by judging it as good/right/positive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘peace’ with the word ‘quiet’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘quiet’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ and from the word ‘quiet’ by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘quite’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word peace to the word ‘calm’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘calm’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace ‘ and from the word ‘calm’ by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘calm’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘peace’ with the word ‘still’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘still’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ and from the word ‘still’ by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘still’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘peace’ with the word ‘nothingness’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘nothingness’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ and from the word ‘nothingness’ by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘nothingness’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘peace’ with the word ‘alone’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘alone’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘peace’ and from the word’ alone’ by defining the word ‘peace’ within the word ‘alone’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to

Peace- my current allocation:

Quiet, Calm, Still, Nothingness, Alone

Dictionary definition:

cessation of or freedom from any strife or dissension.

EXPAND

6.

freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety, an obsession, etc.; tranquillity; serenity.

7.

a state of tranquillity or serenity: May he rest in peace.

8.

a state or condition conducive to, proceeding from, or characterized by tranquillity: the peace of a mountain resort.

9.

silence; stillness: The cawing of a crow broke the afternoon's peace.

Although this definition looks attractive as an idea, it offers no practical way to achieve it within oneself.  

Sounds like: appease, wherein I appease myself within and through suppression to, for a moment, experience some kind of peace.

Or: piece, wherein only a ‘piece’ of me is peaceful, and so I focus only on that one piece instead of taking the entirety of myself into consideration.

So, my new definition for the word peace (with regards to, specifically, ‘inner-peace’) is:

Breathing as self in awareness, to remain self-honest within and through any and all situations and walking them through to stability. Finding practical solutions to problems/friction/conflict, and walking those solutions as the practical application of them as Who I Am.