How My Relationships Have Changed Since Desteni:

                In walking my process there has been one major theme for me in particular: calm, stable, steady application. I never realized how reactive I used to be to other people. I had labelled myself as a laid-back girl who just goes with the flow. But in reality, I was suppressing myself. I was socially anxious and I felt like very few people knew who I really was because I had a hard time opening up and fully participating in social situations. As with any suppression, tension builds up, and come an argument or a moment where I felt defensive or hurt, I would feel it all come back. I would not explode, no, I would become quiet. It was like everything I had been holding in would come back all at once. I would become so inundated with emotions that I would not be able to think straight, I couldn’t put it in to words what I was feeling. I couldn’t express myself properly so I would end up either not speaking, or saying things I didn’t really mean (sometimes even hurting others because I was feeling hurt).

                Not being able to express oneself is an extremely frustrating experience. So now add frustration to the hurt and anger and whatever other emotions are brewing, and I was rendered senseless; unable to make sense of what was going on in my mind. Try to effectively communicate in that state! I couldn’t, and the result was more tension, more anxiety and more stress. As I have learned through my investigations of the Desteni material, these types of feelings don’t always just go away, they can be like an addiction and grow, feed, fester, or look for outlets (which is why at Desteni we also investigate ‘crimes of passion’ and bizarre outburst in seemingly ‘normal’ unemotional people. These are of course extreme cases, but it demonstrates the power and control emotions can have over a person, where they can act out and even harm others. Society puts labels on them, naming new and increasing psychological diseases, as if this is an acceptable part of ‘human nature’ that we have no control over. Incidentally, pharmaceutical companies make billions off of treating the masses with chemical drugs that are not properly understood and tested, feeding them to our children as if this problem has no other solution).

Anyways, back to me, myself, the self that I am discovering and the power I am giving back myself through the process that is all about the self:  I guess I would have fallen under the ‘introvert’ category before Desteni. I took things in to me, I kept them in and I presented everything as ‘fine.’ Sometimes it was fine, but ever since I learned how to deal with these things I don’t want to ever feel that way again, (obviously), I don’t have to feel that way again, it’s up to me. It’s ‘hard’ work, so to speak. But when I reason with myself, I see that it’s actually more difficult to live in a constant state of suppression, going through the anxiety and tension everyday has an impact on the body. It’s very tiresome and makes everything else feel more difficult, like work, chores and responsibilities, and it is usually accompanied by some degree of insomnia, it’s like a vicious circle. So when I say using the Desteni tools is ‘hard’ work, that means it requires discipline and daily application... but when you start to free yourself from the mental grind that I just described, it feels like weights being lifted. I feel lighter and more in control of my time and my life. I feel like I have more time, even though the process involves a slowing down of sorts. It teaches me how to achieve the discipline I need, and the ability to move myself without the need for energetic motivation.  It really helps me appreciate the present moment when I’m spending time with others in my world. I can participate with them unconditionally, and stand as their equal, no matter what our differences are.

                When I say I ‘deal with’ internal emotions (including the thoughts and feelings that go with them) I mean first be able to acknowledge them (for example, being ‘hurt’), then be able to recognize them (it’s cyclical so it comes back again and again, with practice I can see them coming), forgiving myself for basically putting myself through the experience, and then directing myself. This is the part I’m at now in some areas, and it’s very cool. Aside from directing myself to remain stable through what would normally been emotional turmoil (thus reaching peaceful resolutions instead of slamming doors and yelling), I also experience less of such conflict in my life, the two go hand in hand. It’s also better for both people involved because when one stays calm, the other is more likely to stay calm as well. Soon I will be able to stop the emotions before they start, but this is a process and it takes time.

So at this point, when I understand a conflict happens in my life, I can direct myself in such a way to ‘walk through’ it, instead of reacting to it. I can slowly apply the Desteni tools to recognize and transcend the trigger points, which circumvent the entire pointless conflict in the first place. The result of this is not only experiencing more peace and stability within myself, but also understanding myself and others more. I can stop wasting my time with judging myself and others, or even situations, and instead take my time to understand them, see how they function and adapt myself accordingly. The cool thing with understanding is that once you understand something, it’s done, but when you judge something, you can react to it endlessly, forever. Judgment can also build momentum over time, and lead to things like anger and hate. Desteni teaches me to understand and not judge. Ever.

The people who have made the decision to commit to this process understand that we cannot just make claims that this works and expect people to believe us, we live in a world of deception right now. That is why we blog and vlog. We document our personal processes publicly, under our real names so that others can see we are real people. We reveal our innermost selves and discover that we are all the same. We all have the same shit going on inside of us, it is just individualized to our personal experiences. Making the decision to take the Desteni I Process is a lifetime decision, but when you realize how you can actually change yourself and release yourself from the inner turmoil and conflict, you realize that together we can change the world. We are after all, all in this together. But the first step is always to start with yourself, that is the only way it can happen, because we cannot direct others except by our example: by being a living statement of what is possible.

The Desteni I Process (Desteniiprocess.com) costs money, it has to, because any movement in this world needs to be paid for, that is our current reality. But the cool thing is that once you learn the tools you can support others to do the same, and eventually make quite a comfortable income from it. We have to be financially stable to make a difference, in the world and our own lives. If you don’t have money in this world, you don’t have a voice. However, if you don’t have money, you can still be a part of this process through sponsorship. By sharing yourself unconditionally, by using the free material on the Desteni site you will be unconditionally supported on the free forums,and when you demonstrated that you are serious and understand what it means to be self-honest, you'll get an anonymous sponsor! This is how Desteni functions: to support each person who makes this decision, no matter what. We will do everything we can, within the limitations of this reality, to support each person to stand up as life, for life, to honour life.

So there is no  reason not to join the I process, to make the commitment to yourself. The idea is ‘give and you will receive,’ meaning, share yourself and your personal empowerment with the world, publicly, and receive financial support. We cannot do this alone; we need to be a group. Change can happen when it is an organized group supporting each other to self-realize. We are self-organized and we are fully committed to ourselves and thus to the good of all, and we are patiently waiting for others to realize that they too can be a part of the group that will change the world. All are welcome.

Gaining Structure, Discipline, Time-Management

     I realize how important it is to be structured, disciplined and have good time-management skills, I've always known that. I've always known that the cause of most of my stresses and anxieties were/are cause by my lack of these skills. Lacking these skills is brings down one's quality of life and rendering one incapable of doing anything for anybody, including oneself.

     I am currently in the middle of getting a University degree. I go to class on time, I get good grades, I hold down a job, I have good references, I have a 7 year marriage which I am still enjoying, I have enjoyable relationships with all my family members (including extended family), I pay my rent and bills with money that I earn, and I have never been on any kind of welfare. It's not that I look down on anybody who is on welfare or who does not do these things, my point here is that by all f society's definitions I am a responsible, structured and disciplined person. A 'good' person who is supporting the system. But therein lies the problem, in just doing these basic things we are only supporting a system which depends on the abuse of others to function. Through my participation in reality in this 'acceptable' way I am actually making the statement that 'I am ok with the way things are.' Desteni has taught me that I can be so much more than this, that I can re-program myself to do so much more for the underprivileged in the world by expanding who I am in order to achieve my full potential. Anybody can do this. Anybody can acquire the skills needed to effect a change in this world, so in this blog I am choosing to tackle these three specific skills to help me improve myself, my quality of life and my effectiveness so that I can then become a pillar of support to others. When a large group becomes effective, there is no limit to what we can do. If we make clear statements of what it is we would like to do with our skills, there are no misunderstandings or misinterpretations of our intent. "Do what's best for all' is the statement clearly made at Desteni, and what's best for all, at this point in time, is to have enough money to survive, and to end the profit-driven system that is destroying the very earth we all live on.
   
     I'll talk about this a little more later, but first, back to the skills development. When we lack the skills required to become effective considerate human beings, we are really just existing in selfishness because we are not pushing ourselves to become more than what we believe ourselves to be. If anyone wants to make a difference in their own life, and therefor in the world, it is absolutely necessary to exercise structure, discipline and time-management (among many others, these are just the ones that I am personally concentrating on at the moment). Gaining effective skills is our responsibility to ourselves and therefore our responsibility to the rest of life as we get through the beliefs, thoughts and ideas that are preventing us from making a difference within ourselves and within the world at large.

     Without these skills we are living within and as selfishness because we are only taking care of ourselves (and not doing a very good job at it). We are doing the bare minimum to get by, to get ourselves through another day, to be seen as 'good people'. We cannot just do the bare minimum, we cannot just survive, one step away from giving up. We are living within failing systems (economic, political, religious, educational and ecological), things are going to go wrong, in our lives and in the world, and we need the strength and drive to get through them.

     The desteni tools which I'm learning through the Desteni I Process (www.desteniiprocess.com) are helping me to become equal to myself, in that I no longer let my self-perception ( in this case, of 'not being structured, 'not having discipline,' and 'not having good time-management skills') direct who I am. I use the tools to systematically release the memories I have which I have used to define myself and believe myself to be, I 'delete' them, so to speak, so that I may program myself to instead master these skills. I stop them from recurring, I change who I am by seeing who I really am (ever notice recurring patterns in your life? Same relationship play-outs, same arguments, same problems at work or school? Understand the patters, see where they originate from, release them and change, that's all there is to the process and the use of the tools, but it's easier said than done. It takes practice).

     Becoming equal to myself allows me to decide who and what I want to be. Now that is power. With this power comes responsibility, because we can become pretty powerful in this world, and we have to decide what we will use that power for. Will we use it for profit and domination? Will we use it for personal gain? Some do in this current reality. But not Destonians. Detonians will use these tools of self-empowerment to put an end to the suffering and abuse that goes on in the world. They will use it to become equal to that abuse, accepting the fact that all human's are responsible for it, and within that responsibility, stopping it, stopping participation in it, and thus changing it.

A bit more about The Equal Money System:

     Desteni proposes the Equal Money System as an alternative to the current money system that has evolved to what it is today. Regardless of the intentions or the starting point of the current money system, the reality remains that it has given a small group of people control to take as much as they can, while the majority, billions of people, are struggling to survive. The Equal Money System will end this and will allow all people to have enough material support to live a dignified life, so that we can start cleaning up the environment and changing our current practices to more sustainable ones which respect the rest of life with which we share the planet. Right now most people cannot afford to do this, they cannot even fathom a change like this because they are too busy surviving, depending on the current system which makes them slaves to the wealthy. A system which lets children die from hunger in a world where there is enough food to feed them. There are enough resources, it is equality which is lacking. And with the way we are going, we are destroying what little we have left, thus scripting for ourselves the future which we fear the most: to end up like 'them'. Desperate, hungry, helpless.

     But we are not there yet, we are not helpless. We are still in a position where we can change before it's too late. We are the elite, any one of us who has 3 square meals, a job or welfare and a roof over our heads... Even more elite are those with healthcare, access to an education, monetary security of some sort, whether it be savings or family wealth. WE are the elite, we have the power and the voice necessary to change. The super-elite will not change, they will not stand for life because the way the system is right now is benefiting them beyond what we can imagine. Why would they give that up? How could they give that up? How could they see through the greed which blinds them and which got them to where they are today. Or the fear of losing their fortunes which turns them into unforgiving beings who are too scared to share. Why are they scared? Do they fear that if they share they might be taken advantage of as they have taken advantage the vulnerable people in the world?

     Investigate an Equal Money System (@ www.equalmoney.org) so that we can get past all this, and see that giving is receiving, that if all are taken care of, we are taken care of. If we lived in a system that guaranteed the basic necessities of life, we would not have to fear losing them. We would not have to depend on abusing others to guarantee them , and we would not live in a world where only those who are born into rich families enjoy financial security.

     Investigate Desteni (www.desteni.co.za) to lean how to re-program yourself so that you may become effective as well, so that you can be a part of the change. Take it one day at a time. (My video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21CsEbsynM0)

    And so, as I take it one day at a time, through self-forgiveness I release my past memories which limit me. Below is an example of how we at Desteni systematically use the tools we learn to work on areas of our lives that we want to improve. See how it is done, it is not scary, it's just not something we're not used to. We chose a specific point, look into it, understand where it comes from, then peel back the layers to reveal how it has taken power over us to direct us instead of directing ourselves. The 'points' as we call them, are mostly just average everyday things, patterns and habits we've developed over time which are not serving any purpose but to hold us back in life. For example, the following point I am working out starts simply with 'getting up in the morning'. I started here because I realized that I don't have enough time during the day to do all I wish to do. If I get up earlier, I can do more. I've never been particularly good at getting up when I don't have to go to work or school, you know, just getting up for me, so that I can enjoy the morning and do some writing, work on some more points. The reason I am so dedicated to doing this is because, once you realize how freeing and empowering it is to write your way through any problem or issue you chose, you want to eliminate them all! Why wouldn't you? That's why I write. So back to what /i am currently doing: to develop the skills of structure, discipline and time management, starting with 'waking up':

(from my journal):

-For today, I’m going to do sf on getting up in the mornings because this will give me more control over my schedule, and if I get up earlier I will have more time to write and do schoolwork and also have time to enjoy myself and live:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist getting up in the mornings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to succumb to the feeling of being tired in the morning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my mind to pile stresses on me upon waking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe those ‘stresses’ carry weight, they only effect me as much as I allow them to, when in fact, they are not even real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest thoughts charged with ‘stress’ energy which then feel ‘heavy’ like they are ‘weighing me down.’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pursue my mind when it manifests stressful thoughts upon waking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my thoughts in the mornings, as soon as I wake up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself in the mornings at the start of a new day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing and walking with another being.

In this, I allow myself to simply stop, and breathe in the mornings, remaining present, aware in the moment, feeling the comfort of my bed and blankets, breathing the fresh air, and getting up within and as breath .

I allow myself to get up and face myself by not going into the mind by participating in thoughts, and instead to accept myself unconditionally in forgiveness so that I may face another day.

Time Management:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lost in the material and writing that I must do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like my obligations are whizzing by me at high speeds while I lag behind in slow motion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself as ‘in slow motion’ when I think, perceive or believe that I cannot motivate myself or move myself effectively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that I require motivation to move myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be less than who I really am by thinking, believing or perceiving that I require motivation to move myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, perceive or believe that I require energy to move myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I require participation in my thoughts to move myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid writing myself out by doing other things first. Self always comes first, as this is my platform to stand on and be able t help assist and support others, and to assist and support in stopping .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to myself by doing other things before I write myself out, which usually doesn’t leave me enough time to write myself out properly.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to fully realize the importance of writing myself out by thinking, believing or perceiving that doing other activities is equally important; self first. Self=#1 priority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed when I have spare time, because I think of everything I have to do all at once. One thing at a time, according to priority, will get it all done in time. There is no rush, process is about slowing down. I allow myself to slow myself down so that I may Stop, then, and only then will I be able to direct myself effectively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel overwhelmed by my work or responsibilities, thinking, believing or perceiving that I can’t keep up with the others, or that I can’t keep up with where I ‘should be,’ according to my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel overwhelmed by my responsibilities because I am comparing myself to others who I perceive as ‘more effective’ than me, or even ‘more effective than I’ll ever be’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel overwhelmed by my responsibilities because I hang on to past memories of being overwhelmed to the point of falling, to the memories of past failures, and believe them to still be with me, waiting for me to repeat them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I don’t think to the point of overwhelmedness, I will fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I if I simply think about my ‘problems’ without action I will solve them and they will go away.

I forgive myself foe accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I don’t think about my ‘problems’ they will stay with me and grow and fester and drag me down forever. As long as I act daily, and do what needs to be done, I will get it all done, no thought required other than practical functioning in the moment.

     

I realize that many of my time-management problems stem from the feeling of ‘being overwhelmed.’ ‘Overwhelmed’ to me is defined as the world moving so fast while I lag behind, unable to catch up and thus feeling helpless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive the world is moving so fast, leaving me behind unable to catch up. This is the perception of my mind, process is about slowing down so that I can make my own speed, which will be my optimal potential without mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as ‘left behind’ instead of standing and facing myself, stopping my mind and the patterns and habits which I allow to take my time and slow me down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into patterns and habits which waste my time, instead of applying me in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe, think or perceive that I can just ‘do everything’ all at once, ‘everything’ being all those things I have not done, procrastinated on, avoided and not faced, which then come back to ‘haunt’ me, so to speak, in that they sabotage my progress/process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by bringing back the memories of all the times I’ve fallen, not moved myself effectively, abdicated responsibility and avoided writing etc... thus manifesting the experience of being ‘overwhelmed’ and ‘helpless’, creating the idea that I can now just ‘do it all’ to catch up, then manifesting the polarity of ‘I can’t do anything.’ This is not so. The only way to move is to slow down, do one thing at a time, to write consistently and effectively and accumulate the self-trust and stability I require. “The keys are my key.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can ‘just do it all,’ in terms of my responsibilities in life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I ‘can’t do anything’ in terms of my responsibilities in life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that there exists a moment when ‘it is all done.’ A time where I will have no responsibilities because I have done everything and now I can just sit back and enjoy,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive responsibilities as work, and no responsibility as ‘no work.’ “Work’ and ‘not work’ are polarities of the mind, and what matters is who I am within what I am doing. So if I am of no mind, then I am simply Here, not worried, tired or anxious. I am effective in doing what I need to do, one thing at a time until it is done. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the only way to achieve this kind of peace is by not having work, and not having responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the polarity of ‘work’ and ‘no work.’

I allow myself to embrace my responsibilities, so to speak, being one and equal within and as them, directing them according to what’s best for all.

I allow myself let go of past memories of failure and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on these past memories.

I allow myself to be a blank slate, without judgment, so that I may begin anew in every moment.

Memories:

Being so ’overwhelmed’ which manifests ‘fear’ and ‘helplessness’, possessing me to the point where I cannot focus, the voices in my head are so loud I can’t read or absorb information without following my thoughts. Mostly thoughts of failure (and the polarity as thoughts of doing really well, which inevitably lead back to fear of failure). When this happens I feel ‘helpless’ to do anything about it, thus creating ‘fear’ that I’ll never get out of it, get it done or not do it well.

It’s interesting because this experience rarely happens to me in actuality. It has happened  a few times in the past, and I can see how my mind has taken those few ‘extreme’ moments/experiences and continuously brings them back up to scare me with, keeping me in constant fear (of failure).

Failure:

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts of failure, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure. Also, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what others would think of me if I fail, especially my father.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my father. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgment of my father.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on my self-judgments that I project through my father.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my father’s opinion of me defines who I am (my opinion of myself).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my father determines whether or not I have failed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need my father’s approval or validation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility by believing I require the approval and validation of another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend time acting in ways to gain validation, speaking in ways or about things to gain approval and validation, or thinking thoughts to gain the inner experience of approval or validation. This is manipulation, it is self-dishonest, and it does not serve me. I stop. Delete.

I am my own being. I apply myself for myself, by myself. I approve of myself. I validate myself. I stand alone.

Doing really well:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about ‘doing really well at something and charging the thought with a positive feeling charge (thus guaranteeing the polar opposite experience).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a positive feeling charge thus creating polarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about doing really well and receiving approval, praise and recognition for my talents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from approval, praise and recognition for my talents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire approval and recognition.

I allow myself to approve of myself, recognize my  talents which I may utilize to become more effective, and I give myself praise for my accomplishments thus far.

The three main thoughts connected to ‘overwhelmed’ at the moment are;

 When I was trying to study for exams and I became possessed over and over to the point where I could not study, and I felt I had no control.

When I had time off and wanted to ‘do everything to catch up’ with my process/desteni work’

When I have had bills due and no money to pay them, which usually leads to thoughts of my future and fear of not having enough money. This hasn’t happened in years, but I hold on to the memories of the time when it did. This is unacceptable; I delete this memory immediately as it does not serve me in any way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry around these memories, charging them with emotional energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use these emotionally charged memories to sabotage me, my studies and my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fooled by the mind by believing these memories are valid, and pursuing them as they come up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not pursuing these memories, as if I will be ‘missing something important’ if I do not participate in them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my thoughts are important, especially the overwhelming ones.

 I delete all these memories in this moment, I allow myself to let them go, they are not who I am, they are useless and they are not real because they are not Here except in my mind. Therefore I can stop giving them weight/validation/directive over me as I delete them in this moment.

                Usually the thought that triggers my experience of ‘overwhelmed’ is the thought that other students or desteni members are doing amounts of work that I can’t imagine. They do so much as I struggle to do the bare minimum. Then I feel like I just want to do everything all at once to ‘catch up’ to them. So here I have to stop, identify this trigger thought when it happens, and not pursue it.

                Common sense tells me that the experience of ‘overwhelmed’ only creates stress, which makes me less effective, manifests fear, makes it harder to face myself and actually manifests that which is overwhelming me. So if I don’t pursue these thoughts and instead stop and not believe t thoughts are real. In this, I can do one thing at a time, and realize that other desteni members only got to where they are through effective application and the accumulative effect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pursue the thought of not being ‘as able’ as others,

thus manifesting the experience of myself as ‘overwhelmed,’ making me less effective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself and my effectiveness to that of others and then judging myself based on that comparison.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that because I can’t fathom doing as much as they do, I will never be able to do it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on my limited projections and imagination to determine what I will be capable of, instead of living in the moment, doing what I can

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine myself ‘not being able to do it.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be unable. I am able.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as unable to ‘keep up.’ I can keep up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, perceive or believe myself to be slow, or slow moving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, perceive or believe that tasks take too long, wherein I end up rushing through them and not doing them fully or not ding them well or thoroughly.

I allow myself to take my time with each task I take on.

I allow myself to give myself enough time to accomplish the task at hand, thoroughly and fully.

I allow myself to slow myself down so that I do tasks well, an not rushed or half-assed.

How I see myself through my father:

When I’m around my dad I feel ugly, disorganized and immature. This has nothing to do with him, obviously, but how I chose to define myself through him based on a couple of memories wherein I experienced myself a certain way.

The first one is when I was about 9, I was a ‘tomboy,’ we stopped at a gas station and I had to use the restroom. The gas station attendant handed me the key for the boy’s room instead of the girl’s room. I felt humiliated and ugly in front of my dad.

Ugly:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive myself as ugly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and define myself as ugly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel humiliated because a being thoughts I looked like a boy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel humiliated because a being thought I looked like a boy in front of my dad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed because a being thought I looked like a boy in front of my dad.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept the way I looked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the way I looked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define who I was in that moment based on the way I looked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept myself unconditionally regardless of the way I look.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, perceive or believe myself to be beautiful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and define myself as beautiful

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  judge others as ugly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as beautiful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the poicture-image I see with my physical human eyes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my thoughs as judgments of myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my thoughts as judgments of myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by my thoughts as judgments of myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge my thoughts of beauty with a positive energetic charge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that those that I’ve judged as more beautiful are better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge thoughts of ugly with a negative energetic charge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that those who I’ve judged as ugly are less-than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be ‘better-than’ when I judge myself as beautiful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be ‘less-than’ when I judge myself as ugly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate on the polarity of beautiful-ugly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the ‘better-than’ –‘less-than’ polarity.

Disorganized:

I live and experience the definition of this term with regards to school and responsibilities. I was never a ‘good student’ and I had no drive to do well at school. My parents were at a loss for what to do about it, and my dad would try to help me. One time he got frustrated and yelled at me. I don’t remember what he said but I chose in that moment to experience myself as if there were something wrong with me. I experience this as disorganized because I was simply unable to get my work done, keep my room clean or be organized in any way. I didn’t care and i didn’t know how, I just wanted to have fun and play.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was incapable of being organized and effective when I simply did not know how, i did not have the tools to know how to take care of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I couldn’t live up to what was expected of me from others when I didn’t know how to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on the expectations of others.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize myself and to stand in moments where I felt judged.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my parents knew who I was better than I did.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my self-definition to be based on the reaction of others towards me instead of accepting myself unconditionally as life, equal and one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my self-definition of myself to stop me from moving myself or effectively changing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the self-definition of myself which is based on the reactions of others toward me as an excuse to not move or change myself, but rather to do nothing but accept and allow the systems in me, and the world systems as they are, instead of standing for myself, as myself unconditionally, and stopping.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by imposing self-definitions upon myself which I believe to be real, or to be who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am the self-definitions I impose upon myself.

I allow myself to stop, to stop defining myself and using excuses as to why I don’t change. I allow myself to change and to stand as myself within and as life unconditionally, equal and one.

I allow myself to exist Here, without the limitations of self-definition.

I allow myself to move myself to be organized, as  slow down and do what is necessary to be done.

Immature:

The memories I have associated to the experience of being immature within myself are mainly when I try to prove to my dad that I am mature, but in doing that from a starting point of ‘trying to prove something’ I always end up failing. Or in his attempt to make sure I’m doing something properly, he’ll point out what I’ve missed, which I interpret as him not ‘being convinced’ that  am in fact mature and capable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prove my maturity to another without first living it and becoming it, thus only proving to myself that I am not it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that others need to think, believe or perceive me to be mature in order for me to actually be mature, instead of taking the necessary steps to be a mature, responsible person.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I am in fact a mature and responsible person, I don’t need to prove such, because in actually living it, it will be apparent (a parent) to me. In actual living application, I will be a parent to myself as I teach myself how to be mature, responsible and effective,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on how others view me to form a view of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate others to view me a certain way, instead of actually becoming that which I desire to be. I desire to be an effective, responsible and mature person who stands as life, because in being these things I will be able to move myself to stand with the group to stop and change the current path we are on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to prove anything to anybody but myself.

                So, I delete the specific memories of: being mistaken for a boy at the gas station in front of my dad, my dad getting frustrated and yelling at me in the hallway, and my dad calling me out on being irresponsible. Therefore I delete all the associate thoughts, feeling and emotions that I have carried within these memories, as well as the self-judgment and self-definition that I have believed because of them. I delete this all right now, and no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by past memories and the thoughts, feelings and emotions that I associate with them.

I feel the grip of pms coming on. What I am feeling anxious about is the fact that I didn’t do anything desteni-related yesterday. I had company over and took the day off because I forgot my computer in the room where they were sleeping. It’s not such a big deal, obviously I can catch up... but I realize the importance of the consistent daily application required to effectively change and accumulate the self-trust and self-will required to actually do it. I also realize how easy it would have been to set aside an hour or so for myself, just to do the bare minimum for myself. Also, I kept telling myself to get my computer and put it in my room so I could write at night, but I just didn’t move myself to do it in the moment, I kept putting it off thinking that I would remember... then it was too late. I guess I could have gone in and gotten it, but the best thing would have been to prepare myself better, and to have adapted accordingly to the circumstances to allow myself to be able to do my work.

                So this self-forgiveness will focus on the emotions I manifest when I feel like I’m ‘falling behind.’ I get to a point where I use that as an excuse to not keep up, because I build it up to a point where I feel like ‘now there’s just too much to do.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to grow anxious about ‘not doing enough’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the initial thought of falling behind on my self-responsibilities (of writing, specifically in this case) and then following that thought, allowing it to grow into a feeling of ‘overwhelmingness,’ wherein I feel like I’m going to fall behind forever and be helpless to catch up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow and believe my thoughts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my thoughts direct my experience of who I am in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my emotions of ‘overwhelmed’ and helpless’ possess me and direct who I am in the moment.

I forgive myself  for not accepting and allowing myself to direct myself in every moment, and instead react to my thoughts and emotions, accepting and allowing these reactions to direct me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lack the discipline to write yesterday because of lack of self-will and self-movement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use a houseguest as an excuse to not write yesterday.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel overwhelmed because I didn’t write yesterday and use that feeling as an excuse to not direct myself today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the fear of judgment of others to not write.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest anxiety as a reaction to feeling overwhelmed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience my ‘overwhelmedness’ as more intense because I believe I’m more sensitive due to PMS.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my belief that I am emotional/sensitive/reactive during PMS.

It’s possible the ‘overwhelmed’ experience originated from the phone conversation I had with my mom this morning, because we talked about the future and my future plans. Thinking about the future often sends me down a thought-path which ends up in me feeling overwhelmed and helpless, because my future is unsure/unknown, as is everybody’s future. I forget that all that exists is right now, and that I can take steps to help ensure my emotional stability right now through writing. It’s like this little seed was subconsciously planted within me, a little anxiety after that phone conversation, and I carried it around as a little feeling wich I fed throughout the day, not knowing what it was or how it got there. I realize it now, and had I realized it in the moment I would have stopped it immediately, but instead, I let it grow to the point where I experienced myself as ‘overwhelmed’ ‘anxious’ and ‘helpless.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have fallen into old thought patterns during my conversation with my mom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can plan my whole future in one moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious and overwhelmed when I realize that I cannot plan my future in one moment, and that instead I must apply myself in this moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to some future date or time, instead of taking self-responsibility now, being who I plan to be now, instead of imagining myself to be changed and effective with my shit together at some other time, some imaginary future where I will be ‘fixed’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the belief that I hold as the idea of ‘my future’ and react to that fear within anxiety and helplessness in the present moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to my fear of the future/the unknown.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future/unknown because I can’t plan on it and I have no control over it because it is just an idea, a mind game. All I can control is who I am in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bottle up anxiety and discomfort from my phone conversation, instead of breathing through it and remaining present as breath.

Feeling Helpless

Helpless

                I’m going to explore the thoughts that I manifest which pull me in to the energetic reaction of feeling ‘helpless’. ‘Helpless’ as an experience which I define within myself as unable to immediately solve a problem, not finding a ‘quick fix,’ realizing only the accumulative effect will be effective over time, and that I have not been effectively accumulating thus far. I find myself reacting to this realization with anxiety which I feed with more and more thoughts which makes me feel like I am spiralling out of control. The thoughts come from the belief that if I just think about it some more I will figure it out somehow, but there is no ‘figuring it all out,’ there is only starting again –to take responsibility, to push through the deception of the mind and to move myself without participation in the mind within and as thoughts, feelings and emotions, - all things which require practice and accumulation over time.

                So, my reaction the other day began as I was contemplating financial issues as I had experienced that day some consequences of lack of money. I am currently in school and living part-time in Canada and part-time in the US. This makes things a bit complicated at the moment because I can’t keep a job for a long period of time in one place or the other, and I can only work part-time due to my year-round classes.

                I find myself taking this current situation and amplifying it in to the future by projecting the ‘helplessness’ I feel right now in this temporary situation as if it will always be this way. So the original starting thought for me usually begins with this telescopic look into my future and the accompanying feeling of ‘no security.’ I begin to revel in the belief or perceived reality that I have nothing to depend on, nothing, not even myself will be able to guarantee me financial or other support in the future, accompanied by the fear of ‘what if something were to happen,’ This fear implicates the fear of debt, further enslavement and not being able to support even myself in the world, let alone support others.

                The polarity reaction I experience from time to time, but less often, is the thought, belief or perception that I will be ok, I’ll get a good job, I’ll buy property... and I get this warm and fuzzy feeling of having security and having it all under control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow my thoughts to pull me into the energetic reaction of feeling ‘helpless.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow thoughts to pull me in to energetic reactions of feeling ‘helpless and then continue to feed this reaction with more and more thoughts of doom and gloom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed my energetic reaction of ‘helplessness’ with thoughts of doom and gloom based on a future which only exist in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create within my mind thoughts of a future where I cannot provide for myself, where I fall in to debt and lose control –this is a mind projection and is not real. It is a mind projection created specifically to cause reactions within me which I utilize to feed a possession wherein I feel helpless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to fix all my fears by finding some magical solution which I can apply immediately to ‘make it all go away’. The solution that will make it all go away is writing: self-forgiveness, self-honesty and corrective application, as well as the accumulation of self-trust, self-stability and effectiveness in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a quick fix when I know only the accumulative effect works.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe a quick fix exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a quick fix to exist so that I don’t have to take responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to find thoughts as excuses to trick myself into believing I won’t have to take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that taking self-responsibility is difficult, hard or tiresome. These manifestations are of mind consciousness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid taking self-responsibility in every moment because my mind is busy making excuses and conjuring up back doors and easy-outs to trick me with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest anxiety for myself which clutches me in its grip, making me feel like it is real and impossible to escape.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed anxiety by delving even further into my mind in an attempt to ‘figure it all out’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pursue trying to figure out the mind when I know that it will only lead me in endless circles, creating energy with which I feed and charge my thoughts, feelings andemotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be pulled into energy by thoughts instead of applying/living me, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and participate in the original thought that triggers the train of thoughts which leads me to anxiety.

Original thoughts are things like: I cannot support me by myself.

I am only me, a limited human who cannot be more than what I am,

My future requires me to be more than I am right now, and I cannot fathom expanding myself, progressing, evolving, becoming more effective (because I never have been, I have never proved to myself that I can in fact change).

So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I cannot be more that what I am at this moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, perceive or believe that I cannot support me in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I am only me, a limited human who cannot be more than what I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear changing, expanding, progressing or being more than I am now because it is unknown to me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown that is who I really am. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I really am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to first be able to ‘fathom’ expanding myself, progressing, evolving or becoming more effective to actually be able to do it.

My mind relies on the past to direct me into the future and I have not provided it with any foundation of proof that I can do any of these things. However, this is how the limited/limiting mind works, and the reality is that I can break this thought pattern, belief system or perception of  what it is I am capable of, and start directing me moment to moment according to my Self, not my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the belief that I cannot change, and I delete these memories Now, I allow myself to change, to let go of past memories and to direct myself as who I am in every moment.

I allow myself to live and apply myself as who I am instead of participating in the thoughts that deceive me.

I allow myself to direct myself to not believe the thoughts which deceive me to the point of anxiety.

I allow myself to remain present as awareness without feeling like I am missing out on something, or not being responsible because I’m not following my thoughts.

Conversly,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future, manifesting ‘warm and fuzzy’ feelings of being ‘ok,’ being ‘taken care of’ and ‘in control’ ‘then’, not ‘now’ when ‘now’ is all there really is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to soothe and console myself by creating fairytales of a perfect future where everything is ‘ok’ and ‘under control,’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid taking self-responsibility now by dreaming about a future where I will be self-responsible at some later date.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I require something outside myself to ‘make’ me ‘feel’ like ‘everything is going to be ok’. All I require is myself to remain Here as Who I Am, constant and stable, and that’s all there is.

I allow myself to remain Here as Who I Am, as Who I Am is all that I require,

My breakup with alcohol- update

So, I'm still going strong with this point, which has really become a 'non-point' which I'm sure many have experienced. But an interesting realization came up as I keep experiencing reactions from others wherein they are having trouble accepting that I have made this decision and stuck by it.
I found out that others think that I will not be able to have fun with them anymore, and I definitely had this thought/fear when I first contemplated stopping drinking and smoking pot. I thought that the feeling of just 'letting loose' and escaping reality, would be something I would really miss. However, the individual who was expressing this concern, was looking forward into the summer, where he probably had an idea of what it was going to be like, and now that I don't drink I have taken that expectation away, thus leaving him disappointed.
Also, he was perceiving my experience to be exactly what I had feared: no fun, no letting loose and no escaping. But I what I have experienced in quitting my addictions is that it is not that way at all. In fact, after a short period of adjustment, I'd say I feel the exact same way. I still have fun, I still let loose, but it's different because I can't escape the stress and anxiety through substance anymore. So now, when it builds up within me, I can only remove it with writing it out and doing self-forgiveness, and then walking the correction. It takes a little longer than drinking or smoking my troubles away, but at least I know that I have dealt with the issues and they will not return day after day like they used to.
In releasing points which cause stress and anxiety in my life I make way to dig deeper, and that's really cool because the eventual change is visible, and I am not escaping anymore, but rather I am facing myself in what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, which is not pretty. But it's like actual progress versus stagnation.
Back to my point: the way we perceive an experience and try to predict what it 'might be like' could stop us from changing ourselves, only to discover the perception was totally off. Looking through the eyes of the mind has never gotten me anywhere. I have to wonder now, how many times have I stopped myself from 'moving forward' so to speak, because of projected perceptions which were total fabrications of my mind.
The mind is sneaky and convincing, but as we all discover more clearly the paths we are choosing to walk, the 'choice' becomes more obvious. Meaning, whether we choose to pursue the endless mind games that have been directing us thus far, or whether we choose to live by principle, becomes more clear in every moment.
I choose to LIVE! In actuality, and not be directed by the theater in my head.
www.desteniiprocess.com

Self-Forgiveness on highschool Experiences (yes, I'm still carrying them around... NO MORE!!!)

Not being chosen:

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I don’t belong.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like an outcast.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear feeling like an outcast.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear feeling like I don’t belong.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, perceive and/or believe myself to be excluded and an outcast.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compensate for thinking, perceiving and believing myself to be excluded and/or outcast by acting in ways which make others feel excluded or like outcasts.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the polarity of ‘included’ and ‘excluded,’ when all are included as life, and only self can separate and exclude self as ego.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be part of an exclusive group.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear be seen as ‘not part of the group.’

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as an outcast.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that not belonging and being an outcast exist, these terms are of separation and are not equal and one.

Feeling tormented:

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel tormented when I am not getting what I want.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel tormented when my ego is being diminished.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as ego.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my ego being hurt as if I ‘as who I really am’ am being hurt.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel tormented when an event is not confirming what my mind believes I ‘should be’ as ego.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as tormented by a situation or event, it is only my mind creating the experience of tormented within myself, and is not coming from an outside source.

Feeling humiliated/rejected:

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience humiliation as self-judgment in separation.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience rejection as self-judgment in separation.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in self-rejection to a situation which I thought, believed, perceived to be humiliating.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel humiliated and rejected because someone was chosen over me.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compete for men.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compete with other women.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in competition within separation.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that because another was chosen over me, that makes that being ‘more special,’ ‘luckier’ and ‘more desirable’ than me.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/perceive and believe myself to be ‘special,’ ‘lucky’ and ‘desirable.’

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, perceive and believe myself to be ‘un-special,’ ‘unlucky,’ and ‘ un-desirable.’

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that to be ‘special,’ ‘lucky’ and ‘desirable’ are positive attributes, and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge these words with a positive energetic charge and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be able to define myself by these words and experience the perceived experience I imagine to go with them. These are mind games which are never won.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that ‘special’ lucky’ and ‘desirable’ exist as life. They don’t; they are polarities which require their opposites to exist and therefore they do not stand as equality.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to another, and then think, believe and perceive myself to be a certain way based on that comparison.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from another, judging myself and manifesting resentment towards her as myself, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within separation from others, utilising that separation to judge myself without having to take responsibility for it. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid taking self-responsibility by accepting and allowing separation and judgment.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject myself as who I really am.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel humiliated because my ego was hurt.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel humiliated because I feel less than, as my ego is less than life.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel humiliated because of the fear that others will perceive me as ‘less than’.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to humiliation with the thought, belief or perception of my ego being ‘hurt’.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to beliefs I hold, believing them to be real.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to beliefs, believing them to be real.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to beliefs, believing them to be real and thinking, perceiving and believing them to be who I am.

I accept and allow myself to let go of all thoughts, beliefs and perceptions, without fear of losing ‘who I am’. Who I really am cannot be lost, it has always been here.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on the beliefs I hold.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe what I think, feel, believe and perceive is real.

I exist and cannot be diminished by anyone but myself. I am not my ego, only my ego can feel insecure, humiliated, rejected and ‘less than.’

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged by others and react to that fear within humiliation.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that others will perceive me as my fragile ego.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what others think because it is only in my mind and therefore it is only self-judgement. 

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept myself unconditionally.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as ego which is the only thing that can feel humiliated and rejected.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value and importance on my ego. -I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I exist only as ego.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what lies beyond ego, and in that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown. Therefore, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear knowing myself. -I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not knowing myself.

I allow myself to exist without separating myself from life through self-judgment, competition and comparison.

I allow myself to see through the smokescreen of my ego.

I allow myself to not react or participate within and as my ego.

I accept and allow silence within.

I trust myself to not be fooled by my ego.

I accept myself unconditionally, and I love and care for myself unconditionally.

Resistance to my Job

I just got a new job for the summer to support myself until I move back to Montreal to finish my degree. I thought the experience of working would be different because I went in to it knowing it would only be for about three months. However, after the third day I began to experience all the familiar signs of resistance to working I have felt all my life at every job and in school. It feels like: this is boring, this is pointless/useless/a waste of my time, I hate being here, I hate doing this, I just want to get this done, etc...

What an awful way to experience oneself at any moment in life! I realize that each moment in every breath I take is a moment for me to remain present and to be as effective as I can no matter what I am doing. I realize that I am required to work to pay my bills and survive and that I chose the job I am currently doing, so I will do it to the best of my ability no matter what.

But old habits die hard, and I have been programming myself to judge tasks which require 'effort' as hard, boring, useless etc..., so now it is time to de-programme so that I can get on with life in a way where I actually move myself and grow, or accumulate habits which break down my walls of judgment and resistance so that I can do anything to the best of my ability, without getting in my own way..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge 'working' as hard, difficult and strenuous.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'hard,' 'difficult,' and 'strenuous' as words with a 'negative' connotation, which I react to in resistance and the physical feeling of tiredness.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the words 'hard,' 'difficult,' and 'strenuous' within the physical manifestation of resistance and tiredness when I am aware that if I were enjoying the task it would not feel that way, therefor I am aware that it is my judgment of the tasks that is causing my reaction and that it is not actually real.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'hard' 'difficult' and 'strenuous' exist as separate manifestations from any other time I move myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold the belief of these words along with my physical reactions to them and apply that combination to my job, thus rendering it an un-enjoyable experience which I create for myself.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to correlate 'work' to 'hard'.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that work must be 'boring.'
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my experience of work as 'boring.'
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  define myself within those moments as 'boring' or 'bored'.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belive that 'boring' and 'bored' exist.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to correlate work with useless, pointless and a waste of my time.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by the job I do instead of who I am within doing the job.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as 'useless,' 'pointless,'and 'a waste of my time.' I can be utilizing every moment to practice breathing, self-forgiveness and self-honesty as I face myself in every moment of breath. I exist Here in every moment as breath, and when I am in the reactions I experience myself as at work I am not Here, but am in my mind, experiencing my own delusional creation of reality instead of existing within the present moment.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remain present as breath when I go to work.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my reactions towards work in to the future as I get ready for work, thus setting myself up and ensuring I enslave myself to those reactions.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear working.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I wont be able to do a good job.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the social aspects of working.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing and confronting beings that I work with as myself.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being myself around those I work with.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am 'less than' if I can't do the job as well as others. I am new, and I am just learning.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to grow insecure about the work I do when I am new and just learning the job, instead of giving myself the time, patience and common sense to learn the job properly.
  I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give myself the time, patience and common sense to learn how to do a new job properly.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on the job I do and how I do it.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others in the work that I do.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that others are judging me and the work that I do.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike the authority of a boss.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel belittled by having a boss.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that another person can belittle me.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on my hierarchical standing at work.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel 'less-than' my boss because she has authority over me.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lack authority over myself.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent someone having authority over me.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent the fact that I don't have full authority over myself.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear authority.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own authority.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exercising authority over myself for fear of being self-responsible.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe authority makes someone more important than me. It is simply a title and position that is necessary for the efficient functioning of the staff.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel weak in the presence of authority.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty in the presence of authority.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel weak and guilty.
  I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to work to my fullest potential due to my manifested resistances and reactions to work, thus creating the feelings of weakness and guilt within myself. Weakness because I feel I cannot stand within work, and guilt because I know I am not doing the best job that I can do.    I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand within work, and   I forgive myself for not  accepting and allowing myself to do the best job that I can do.
I accept and allow myself to stand as myself as I work, facing myself within self-forgiveness and self-honesty in every breath, and I allow myself to do the best job that I am capable of, in any job I within which I chose to apply myself. 

Daily Grind

April 30th
In the morning I had trouble getting out of bed. It’s been this way since I moved back in with my husband. He got up before I did and it made me feel helpless and out of control because I believed I should be the one up and ready to face the day, yet he is the one who is. Instead of being glad for him I judged myself in comparison to him and it makes me feel like I’m not making progress. This is an old pattern I have fallen back in to, because many days I only get out of bed when the coffee is ready. At my parents house I rarely had trouble getting out of bed because the coffee was always made very early. This pattern stems from mornings where I would get up and feel pressured to get everything done at the same time. I would make the coffee, feed the cats and clean up as fast as I could, and it would make me feel overwhelmed. The reason I developed this pattern is because I was trying to feel in control by doing too much too fast. The stress and pressure to get it all done was immediate upon my waking, which made me want to avoid it by staying in bed and letting somebody else do it
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel pressured upon waking up in the mornings by wanting to get everything done in a rush like make the coffee, feed the cats, shower, get dressed and clean the house.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I get everything done quickly I will feel like I’m in control of my life and my day.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel out of control of my life and my day because there are many things I am not in control of in my world.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want and desire to have the feeling of being in control of everything in my life when I can’t possibly conceive of all the possibilities that are going to happen that day and in my life.
-I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop, and realize that I can only handle one thing at a time, and not do everything all at once.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to burn myself out as I try to get everything done at once believing that I’ll get it over with and not have to deal with it again.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that all the tasks in life will ever be completed to a point where I won’t have to worry about them anymore.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about all the task I believe need to be completed.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about projected work instead of being present in the moment in awareness.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I won’t be able to ‘do it all’, realizing that I can handle one thing at a time to the utmost of my ability.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put off tasks and things I have to do until the last moment, when I absolutely have to do them, instead of directing myself to do them as I had planned.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed by the tasks I put off and allowed to accumulate until they seem monstrous.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project being unable to do the tasks I have to do, thus creating resistance towards them which leaves space for the excuse to put them off till later.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe things will be easier at some future point instead of realizing that the only point I have to work with is the present moment.
I allow myself to direct myself to take care of tasks as they arise.
I allow myself to slow down, take it easy so that I may ensure effective application of breath and awareness, instead of being caught up in a race against time, a race which I create and which does not exist but in my mind.
I allow myself to relax and participate unconditionally in the tasks I must accomplish to be effective throughout the day.
I am grateful for the moments when I participate in my world in awareness.

The next thing that happened is that my husband went out to pick up some parts for his truck and to mail a package. I judged myself because he was up and out the door before I was even dressed. I felt like a depressive slow ball-and-chain that was holding him back. I acted fine but really I felt resentment towards him. I also felt lonely after he left. This resentment obviously had nothing to do with him, but only with my self-judgment and my backchat which is manifested as depressive feelings, heavy feelings and tiredness which are not real.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself when I’m feeling down and slow, instead of breathing through it and forgiving myself in the moment, realizing it is only my backchat which I am participating in.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always want to be pushing myself to the utmost, instead of taking it slow and taking it one thing at a time.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as ‘not trying hard enough’ when I’m not pushing myself to the max in every moment, when that pushing is only a result of stress caused by the fact that I know I’m not being effective or applying myself properly.
-I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to relax and take on moments as they come no matter how I’m feeling.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I need to hide and suppress how I’m feeling, instead of expressing myself, whether right or wrong, and then taking responsibility for what I say and do by using forgiveness and corrective application.