I am currently in the middle of getting a University degree. I go to class on time, I get good grades, I hold down a job, I have good references, I have a 7 year marriage which I am still enjoying, I have enjoyable relationships with all my family members (including extended family), I pay my rent and bills with money that I earn, and I have never been on any kind of welfare. It's not that I look down on anybody who is on welfare or who does not do these things, my point here is that by all f society's definitions I am a responsible, structured and disciplined person. A 'good' person who is supporting the system. But therein lies the problem, in just doing these basic things we are only supporting a system which depends on the abuse of others to function. Through my participation in reality in this 'acceptable' way I am actually making the statement that 'I am ok with the way things are.' Desteni has taught me that I can be so much more than this, that I can re-program myself to do so much more for the underprivileged in the world by expanding who I am in order to achieve my full potential. Anybody can do this. Anybody can acquire the skills needed to effect a change in this world, so in this blog I am choosing to tackle these three specific skills to help me improve myself, my quality of life and my effectiveness so that I can then become a pillar of support to others. When a large group becomes effective, there is no limit to what we can do. If we make clear statements of what it is we would like to do with our skills, there are no misunderstandings or misinterpretations of our intent. "Do what's best for all' is the statement clearly made at Desteni, and what's best for all, at this point in time, is to have enough money to survive, and to end the profit-driven system that is destroying the very earth we all live on.
I'll talk about this a little more later, but first, back to the skills development. When we lack the skills required to become effective considerate human beings, we are really just existing in selfishness because we are not pushing ourselves to become more than what we believe ourselves to be. If anyone wants to make a difference in their own life, and therefor in the world, it is absolutely necessary to exercise structure, discipline and time-management (among many others, these are just the ones that I am personally concentrating on at the moment). Gaining effective skills is our responsibility to ourselves and therefore our responsibility to the rest of life as we get through the beliefs, thoughts and ideas that are preventing us from making a difference within ourselves and within the world at large.
Without these skills we are living within and as selfishness because we are only taking care of ourselves (and not doing a very good job at it). We are doing the bare minimum to get by, to get ourselves through another day, to be seen as 'good people'. We cannot just do the bare minimum, we cannot just survive, one step away from giving up. We are living within failing systems (economic, political, religious, educational and ecological), things are going to go wrong, in our lives and in the world, and we need the strength and drive to get through them.
The desteni tools which I'm learning through the Desteni I Process (www.desteniiprocess.com) are helping me to become equal to myself, in that I no longer let my self-perception ( in this case, of 'not being structured, 'not having discipline,' and 'not having good time-management skills') direct who I am. I use the tools to systematically release the memories I have which I have used to define myself and believe myself to be, I 'delete' them, so to speak, so that I may program myself to instead master these skills. I stop them from recurring, I change who I am by seeing who I really am (ever notice recurring patterns in your life? Same relationship play-outs, same arguments, same problems at work or school? Understand the patters, see where they originate from, release them and change, that's all there is to the process and the use of the tools, but it's easier said than done. It takes practice).
Becoming equal to myself allows me to decide who and what I want to be. Now that is power. With this power comes responsibility, because we can become pretty powerful in this world, and we have to decide what we will use that power for. Will we use it for profit and domination? Will we use it for personal gain? Some do in this current reality. But not Destonians. Detonians will use these tools of self-empowerment to put an end to the suffering and abuse that goes on in the world. They will use it to become equal to that abuse, accepting the fact that all human's are responsible for it, and within that responsibility, stopping it, stopping participation in it, and thus changing it.
A bit more about The Equal Money System:
Desteni proposes the Equal Money System as an alternative to the current money system that has evolved to what it is today. Regardless of the intentions or the starting point of the current money system, the reality remains that it has given a small group of people control to take as much as they can, while the majority, billions of people, are struggling to survive. The Equal Money System will end this and will allow all people to have enough material support to live a dignified life, so that we can start cleaning up the environment and changing our current practices to more sustainable ones which respect the rest of life with which we share the planet. Right now most people cannot afford to do this, they cannot even fathom a change like this because they are too busy surviving, depending on the current system which makes them slaves to the wealthy. A system which lets children die from hunger in a world where there is enough food to feed them. There are enough resources, it is equality which is lacking. And with the way we are going, we are destroying what little we have left, thus scripting for ourselves the future which we fear the most: to end up like 'them'. Desperate, hungry, helpless.
But we are not there yet, we are not helpless. We are still in a position where we can change before it's too late. We are the elite, any one of us who has 3 square meals, a job or welfare and a roof over our heads... Even more elite are those with healthcare, access to an education, monetary security of some sort, whether it be savings or family wealth. WE are the elite, we have the power and the voice necessary to change. The super-elite will not change, they will not stand for life because the way the system is right now is benefiting them beyond what we can imagine. Why would they give that up? How could they give that up? How could they see through the greed which blinds them and which got them to where they are today. Or the fear of losing their fortunes which turns them into unforgiving beings who are too scared to share. Why are they scared? Do they fear that if they share they might be taken advantage of as they have taken advantage the vulnerable people in the world?
Investigate an Equal Money System (@ www.equalmoney.org) so that we can get past all this, and see that giving is receiving, that if all are taken care of, we are taken care of. If we lived in a system that guaranteed the basic necessities of life, we would not have to fear losing them. We would not have to depend on abusing others to guarantee them , and we would not live in a world where only those who are born into rich families enjoy financial security.
Investigate Desteni (www.desteni.co.za) to lean how to re-program yourself so that you may become effective as well, so that you can be a part of the change. Take it one day at a time. (My video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21CsEbsynM0)
And so, as I take it one day at a time, through self-forgiveness I release my past memories which limit me. Below is an example of how we at Desteni systematically use the tools we learn to work on areas of our lives that we want to improve. See how it is done, it is not scary, it's just not something we're not used to. We chose a specific point, look into it, understand where it comes from, then peel back the layers to reveal how it has taken power over us to direct us instead of directing ourselves. The 'points' as we call them, are mostly just average everyday things, patterns and habits we've developed over time which are not serving any purpose but to hold us back in life. For example, the following point I am working out starts simply with 'getting up in the morning'. I started here because I realized that I don't have enough time during the day to do all I wish to do. If I get up earlier, I can do more. I've never been particularly good at getting up when I don't have to go to work or school, you know, just getting up for me, so that I can enjoy the morning and do some writing, work on some more points. The reason I am so dedicated to doing this is because, once you realize how freeing and empowering it is to write your way through any problem or issue you chose, you want to eliminate them all! Why wouldn't you? That's why I write. So back to what /i am currently doing: to develop the skills of structure, discipline and time management, starting with 'waking up':
(from my journal):
-For today, I’m going to do sf on getting up in the mornings because this will give me more control over my schedule, and if I get up earlier I will have more time to write and do schoolwork and also have time to enjoy myself and live:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist getting up in the mornings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to succumb to the feeling of being tired in the morning.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my mind to pile stresses on me upon waking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe those ‘stresses’ carry weight, they only effect me as much as I allow them to, when in fact, they are not even real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest thoughts charged with ‘stress’ energy which then feel ‘heavy’ like they are ‘weighing me down.’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pursue my mind when it manifests stressful thoughts upon waking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my thoughts in the mornings, as soon as I wake up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself in the mornings at the start of a new day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing and walking with another being.
In this, I allow myself to simply stop, and breathe in the mornings, remaining present, aware in the moment, feeling the comfort of my bed and blankets, breathing the fresh air, and getting up within and as breath .
I allow myself to get up and face myself by not going into the mind by participating in thoughts, and instead to accept myself unconditionally in forgiveness so that I may face another day.
Time Management:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lost in the material and writing that I must do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like my obligations are whizzing by me at high speeds while I lag behind in slow motion.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself as ‘in slow motion’ when I think, perceive or believe that I cannot motivate myself or move myself effectively.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that I require motivation to move myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be less than who I really am by thinking, believing or perceiving that I require motivation to move myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, perceive or believe that I require energy to move myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I require participation in my thoughts to move myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid writing myself out by doing other things first. Self always comes first, as this is my platform to stand on and be able t help assist and support others, and to assist and support in stopping .
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to myself by doing other things before I write myself out, which usually doesn’t leave me enough time to write myself out properly.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to fully realize the importance of writing myself out by thinking, believing or perceiving that doing other activities is equally important; self first. Self=#1 priority.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed when I have spare time, because I think of everything I have to do all at once. One thing at a time, according to priority, will get it all done in time. There is no rush, process is about slowing down. I allow myself to slow myself down so that I may Stop, then, and only then will I be able to direct myself effectively.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel overwhelmed by my work or responsibilities, thinking, believing or perceiving that I can’t keep up with the others, or that I can’t keep up with where I ‘should be,’ according to my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel overwhelmed by my responsibilities because I am comparing myself to others who I perceive as ‘more effective’ than me, or even ‘more effective than I’ll ever be’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel overwhelmed by my responsibilities because I hang on to past memories of being overwhelmed to the point of falling, to the memories of past failures, and believe them to still be with me, waiting for me to repeat them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I don’t think to the point of overwhelmedness, I will fail.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I if I simply think about my ‘problems’ without action I will solve them and they will go away.
I forgive myself foe accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I don’t think about my ‘problems’ they will stay with me and grow and fester and drag me down forever. As long as I act daily, and do what needs to be done, I will get it all done, no thought required other than practical functioning in the moment.
I realize that many of my time-management problems stem from the feeling of ‘being overwhelmed.’ ‘Overwhelmed’ to me is defined as the world moving so fast while I lag behind, unable to catch up and thus feeling helpless.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive the world is moving so fast, leaving me behind unable to catch up. This is the perception of my mind, process is about slowing down so that I can make my own speed, which will be my optimal potential without mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as ‘left behind’ instead of standing and facing myself, stopping my mind and the patterns and habits which I allow to take my time and slow me down.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into patterns and habits which waste my time, instead of applying me in every moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe, think or perceive that I can just ‘do everything’ all at once, ‘everything’ being all those things I have not done, procrastinated on, avoided and not faced, which then come back to ‘haunt’ me, so to speak, in that they sabotage my progress/process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by bringing back the memories of all the times I’ve fallen, not moved myself effectively, abdicated responsibility and avoided writing etc... thus manifesting the experience of being ‘overwhelmed’ and ‘helpless’, creating the idea that I can now just ‘do it all’ to catch up, then manifesting the polarity of ‘I can’t do anything.’ This is not so. The only way to move is to slow down, do one thing at a time, to write consistently and effectively and accumulate the self-trust and stability I require. “The keys are my key.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can ‘just do it all,’ in terms of my responsibilities in life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I ‘can’t do anything’ in terms of my responsibilities in life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that there exists a moment when ‘it is all done.’ A time where I will have no responsibilities because I have done everything and now I can just sit back and enjoy,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive responsibilities as work, and no responsibility as ‘no work.’ “Work’ and ‘not work’ are polarities of the mind, and what matters is who I am within what I am doing. So if I am of no mind, then I am simply Here, not worried, tired or anxious. I am effective in doing what I need to do, one thing at a time until it is done. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the only way to achieve this kind of peace is by not having work, and not having responsibilities.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the polarity of ‘work’ and ‘no work.’
I allow myself to embrace my responsibilities, so to speak, being one and equal within and as them, directing them according to what’s best for all.
I allow myself let go of past memories of failure and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on these past memories.
I allow myself to be a blank slate, without judgment, so that I may begin anew in every moment.
Memories:
Being so ’overwhelmed’ which manifests ‘fear’ and ‘helplessness’, possessing me to the point where I cannot focus, the voices in my head are so loud I can’t read or absorb information without following my thoughts. Mostly thoughts of failure (and the polarity as thoughts of doing really well, which inevitably lead back to fear of failure). When this happens I feel ‘helpless’ to do anything about it, thus creating ‘fear’ that I’ll never get out of it, get it done or not do it well.
It’s interesting because this experience rarely happens to me in actuality. It has happened a few times in the past, and I can see how my mind has taken those few ‘extreme’ moments/experiences and continuously brings them back up to scare me with, keeping me in constant fear (of failure).
Failure:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts of failure, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure. Also, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what others would think of me if I fail, especially my father.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my father. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgment of my father.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on my self-judgments that I project through my father.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my father’s opinion of me defines who I am (my opinion of myself).
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my father determines whether or not I have failed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need my father’s approval or validation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility by believing I require the approval and validation of another.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend time acting in ways to gain validation, speaking in ways or about things to gain approval and validation, or thinking thoughts to gain the inner experience of approval or validation. This is manipulation, it is self-dishonest, and it does not serve me. I stop. Delete.
I am my own being. I apply myself for myself, by myself. I approve of myself. I validate myself. I stand alone.
Doing really well:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about ‘doing really well at something and charging the thought with a positive feeling charge (thus guaranteeing the polar opposite experience).
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a positive feeling charge thus creating polarity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about doing really well and receiving approval, praise and recognition for my talents.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from approval, praise and recognition for my talents.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire approval and recognition.
I allow myself to approve of myself, recognize my talents which I may utilize to become more effective, and I give myself praise for my accomplishments thus far.
The three main thoughts connected to ‘overwhelmed’ at the moment are;
When I was trying to study for exams and I became possessed over and over to the point where I could not study, and I felt I had no control.
When I had time off and wanted to ‘do everything to catch up’ with my process/desteni work’
When I have had bills due and no money to pay them, which usually leads to thoughts of my future and fear of not having enough money. This hasn’t happened in years, but I hold on to the memories of the time when it did. This is unacceptable; I delete this memory immediately as it does not serve me in any way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry around these memories, charging them with emotional energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use these emotionally charged memories to sabotage me, my studies and my process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fooled by the mind by believing these memories are valid, and pursuing them as they come up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not pursuing these memories, as if I will be ‘missing something important’ if I do not participate in them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my thoughts are important, especially the overwhelming ones.
I delete all these memories in this moment, I allow myself to let them go, they are not who I am, they are useless and they are not real because they are not Here except in my mind. Therefore I can stop giving them weight/validation/directive over me as I delete them in this moment.
Usually the thought that triggers my experience of ‘overwhelmed’ is the thought that other students or desteni members are doing amounts of work that I can’t imagine. They do so much as I struggle to do the bare minimum. Then I feel like I just want to do everything all at once to ‘catch up’ to them. So here I have to stop, identify this trigger thought when it happens, and not pursue it.
Common sense tells me that the experience of ‘overwhelmed’ only creates stress, which makes me less effective, manifests fear, makes it harder to face myself and actually manifests that which is overwhelming me. So if I don’t pursue these thoughts and instead stop and not believe t thoughts are real. In this, I can do one thing at a time, and realize that other desteni members only got to where they are through effective application and the accumulative effect.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pursue the thought of not being ‘as able’ as others,
thus manifesting the experience of myself as ‘overwhelmed,’ making me less effective.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself and my effectiveness to that of others and then judging myself based on that comparison.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that because I can’t fathom doing as much as they do, I will never be able to do it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on my limited projections and imagination to determine what I will be capable of, instead of living in the moment, doing what I can
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine myself ‘not being able to do it.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be unable. I am able.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as unable to ‘keep up.’ I can keep up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, perceive or believe myself to be slow, or slow moving.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, perceive or believe that tasks take too long, wherein I end up rushing through them and not doing them fully or not ding them well or thoroughly.
I allow myself to take my time with each task I take on.
I allow myself to give myself enough time to accomplish the task at hand, thoroughly and fully.
I allow myself to slow myself down so that I do tasks well, an not rushed or half-assed.
How I see myself through my father:
When I’m around my dad I feel ugly, disorganized and immature. This has nothing to do with him, obviously, but how I chose to define myself through him based on a couple of memories wherein I experienced myself a certain way.
The first one is when I was about 9, I was a ‘tomboy,’ we stopped at a gas station and I had to use the restroom. The gas station attendant handed me the key for the boy’s room instead of the girl’s room. I felt humiliated and ugly in front of my dad.
Ugly:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive myself as ugly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and define myself as ugly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel humiliated because a being thoughts I looked like a boy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel humiliated because a being thought I looked like a boy in front of my dad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed because a being thought I looked like a boy in front of my dad.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept the way I looked.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the way I looked.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define who I was in that moment based on the way I looked.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept myself unconditionally regardless of the way I look.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, perceive or believe myself to be beautiful.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and define myself as beautiful
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as ugly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as beautiful.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the poicture-image I see with my physical human eyes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my thoughs as judgments of myself and others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my thoughts as judgments of myself and others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by my thoughts as judgments of myself and others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge my thoughts of beauty with a positive energetic charge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that those that I’ve judged as more beautiful are better.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge thoughts of ugly with a negative energetic charge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that those who I’ve judged as ugly are less-than.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be ‘better-than’ when I judge myself as beautiful.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be ‘less-than’ when I judge myself as ugly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate on the polarity of beautiful-ugly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the ‘better-than’ –‘less-than’ polarity.
Disorganized:
I live and experience the definition of this term with regards to school and responsibilities. I was never a ‘good student’ and I had no drive to do well at school. My parents were at a loss for what to do about it, and my dad would try to help me. One time he got frustrated and yelled at me. I don’t remember what he said but I chose in that moment to experience myself as if there were something wrong with me. I experience this as disorganized because I was simply unable to get my work done, keep my room clean or be organized in any way. I didn’t care and i didn’t know how, I just wanted to have fun and play.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was incapable of being organized and effective when I simply did not know how, i did not have the tools to know how to take care of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I couldn’t live up to what was expected of me from others when I didn’t know how to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on the expectations of others.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize myself and to stand in moments where I felt judged.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my parents knew who I was better than I did.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my self-definition to be based on the reaction of others towards me instead of accepting myself unconditionally as life, equal and one.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my self-definition of myself to stop me from moving myself or effectively changing myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the self-definition of myself which is based on the reactions of others toward me as an excuse to not move or change myself, but rather to do nothing but accept and allow the systems in me, and the world systems as they are, instead of standing for myself, as myself unconditionally, and stopping.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by imposing self-definitions upon myself which I believe to be real, or to be who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am the self-definitions I impose upon myself.
I allow myself to stop, to stop defining myself and using excuses as to why I don’t change. I allow myself to change and to stand as myself within and as life unconditionally, equal and one.
I allow myself to exist Here, without the limitations of self-definition.
I allow myself to move myself to be organized, as slow down and do what is necessary to be done.
Immature:
The memories I have associated to the experience of being immature within myself are mainly when I try to prove to my dad that I am mature, but in doing that from a starting point of ‘trying to prove something’ I always end up failing. Or in his attempt to make sure I’m doing something properly, he’ll point out what I’ve missed, which I interpret as him not ‘being convinced’ that am in fact mature and capable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prove my maturity to another without first living it and becoming it, thus only proving to myself that I am not it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that others need to think, believe or perceive me to be mature in order for me to actually be mature, instead of taking the necessary steps to be a mature, responsible person.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I am in fact a mature and responsible person, I don’t need to prove such, because in actually living it, it will be apparent (a parent) to me. In actual living application, I will be a parent to myself as I teach myself how to be mature, responsible and effective,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on how others view me to form a view of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate others to view me a certain way, instead of actually becoming that which I desire to be. I desire to be an effective, responsible and mature person who stands as life, because in being these things I will be able to move myself to stand with the group to stop and change the current path we are on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to prove anything to anybody but myself.
So, I delete the specific memories of: being mistaken for a boy at the gas station in front of my dad, my dad getting frustrated and yelling at me in the hallway, and my dad calling me out on being irresponsible. Therefore I delete all the associate thoughts, feeling and emotions that I have carried within these memories, as well as the self-judgment and self-definition that I have believed because of them. I delete this all right now, and no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by past memories and the thoughts, feelings and emotions that I associate with them.
I feel the grip of pms coming on. What I am feeling anxious about is the fact that I didn’t do anything desteni-related yesterday. I had company over and took the day off because I forgot my computer in the room where they were sleeping. It’s not such a big deal, obviously I can catch up... but I realize the importance of the consistent daily application required to effectively change and accumulate the self-trust and self-will required to actually do it. I also realize how easy it would have been to set aside an hour or so for myself, just to do the bare minimum for myself. Also, I kept telling myself to get my computer and put it in my room so I could write at night, but I just didn’t move myself to do it in the moment, I kept putting it off thinking that I would remember... then it was too late. I guess I could have gone in and gotten it, but the best thing would have been to prepare myself better, and to have adapted accordingly to the circumstances to allow myself to be able to do my work.
So this self-forgiveness will focus on the emotions I manifest when I feel like I’m ‘falling behind.’ I get to a point where I use that as an excuse to not keep up, because I build it up to a point where I feel like ‘now there’s just too much to do.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to grow anxious about ‘not doing enough’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the initial thought of falling behind on my self-responsibilities (of writing, specifically in this case) and then following that thought, allowing it to grow into a feeling of ‘overwhelmingness,’ wherein I feel like I’m going to fall behind forever and be helpless to catch up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow and believe my thoughts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my thoughts direct my experience of who I am in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my emotions of ‘overwhelmed’ and helpless’ possess me and direct who I am in the moment.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to direct myself in every moment, and instead react to my thoughts and emotions, accepting and allowing these reactions to direct me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lack the discipline to write yesterday because of lack of self-will and self-movement.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use a houseguest as an excuse to not write yesterday.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel overwhelmed because I didn’t write yesterday and use that feeling as an excuse to not direct myself today.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the fear of judgment of others to not write.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest anxiety as a reaction to feeling overwhelmed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience my ‘overwhelmedness’ as more intense because I believe I’m more sensitive due to PMS.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my belief that I am emotional/sensitive/reactive during PMS.
It’s possible the ‘overwhelmed’ experience originated from the phone conversation I had with my mom this morning, because we talked about the future and my future plans. Thinking about the future often sends me down a thought-path which ends up in me feeling overwhelmed and helpless, because my future is unsure/unknown, as is everybody’s future. I forget that all that exists is right now, and that I can take steps to help ensure my emotional stability right now through writing. It’s like this little seed was subconsciously planted within me, a little anxiety after that phone conversation, and I carried it around as a little feeling wich I fed throughout the day, not knowing what it was or how it got there. I realize it now, and had I realized it in the moment I would have stopped it immediately, but instead, I let it grow to the point where I experienced myself as ‘overwhelmed’ ‘anxious’ and ‘helpless.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have fallen into old thought patterns during my conversation with my mom.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can plan my whole future in one moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious and overwhelmed when I realize that I cannot plan my future in one moment, and that instead I must apply myself in this moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to some future date or time, instead of taking self-responsibility now, being who I plan to be now, instead of imagining myself to be changed and effective with my shit together at some other time, some imaginary future where I will be ‘fixed’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the belief that I hold as the idea of ‘my future’ and react to that fear within anxiety and helplessness in the present moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to my fear of the future/the unknown.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future/unknown because I can’t plan on it and I have no control over it because it is just an idea, a mind game. All I can control is who I am in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bottle up anxiety and discomfort from my phone conversation, instead of breathing through it and remaining present as breath.
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