Daily Grind

April 30th
In the morning I had trouble getting out of bed. It’s been this way since I moved back in with my husband. He got up before I did and it made me feel helpless and out of control because I believed I should be the one up and ready to face the day, yet he is the one who is. Instead of being glad for him I judged myself in comparison to him and it makes me feel like I’m not making progress. This is an old pattern I have fallen back in to, because many days I only get out of bed when the coffee is ready. At my parents house I rarely had trouble getting out of bed because the coffee was always made very early. This pattern stems from mornings where I would get up and feel pressured to get everything done at the same time. I would make the coffee, feed the cats and clean up as fast as I could, and it would make me feel overwhelmed. The reason I developed this pattern is because I was trying to feel in control by doing too much too fast. The stress and pressure to get it all done was immediate upon my waking, which made me want to avoid it by staying in bed and letting somebody else do it
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel pressured upon waking up in the mornings by wanting to get everything done in a rush like make the coffee, feed the cats, shower, get dressed and clean the house.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I get everything done quickly I will feel like I’m in control of my life and my day.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel out of control of my life and my day because there are many things I am not in control of in my world.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want and desire to have the feeling of being in control of everything in my life when I can’t possibly conceive of all the possibilities that are going to happen that day and in my life.
-I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop, and realize that I can only handle one thing at a time, and not do everything all at once.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to burn myself out as I try to get everything done at once believing that I’ll get it over with and not have to deal with it again.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that all the tasks in life will ever be completed to a point where I won’t have to worry about them anymore.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about all the task I believe need to be completed.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about projected work instead of being present in the moment in awareness.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I won’t be able to ‘do it all’, realizing that I can handle one thing at a time to the utmost of my ability.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put off tasks and things I have to do until the last moment, when I absolutely have to do them, instead of directing myself to do them as I had planned.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed by the tasks I put off and allowed to accumulate until they seem monstrous.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project being unable to do the tasks I have to do, thus creating resistance towards them which leaves space for the excuse to put them off till later.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe things will be easier at some future point instead of realizing that the only point I have to work with is the present moment.
I allow myself to direct myself to take care of tasks as they arise.
I allow myself to slow down, take it easy so that I may ensure effective application of breath and awareness, instead of being caught up in a race against time, a race which I create and which does not exist but in my mind.
I allow myself to relax and participate unconditionally in the tasks I must accomplish to be effective throughout the day.
I am grateful for the moments when I participate in my world in awareness.

The next thing that happened is that my husband went out to pick up some parts for his truck and to mail a package. I judged myself because he was up and out the door before I was even dressed. I felt like a depressive slow ball-and-chain that was holding him back. I acted fine but really I felt resentment towards him. I also felt lonely after he left. This resentment obviously had nothing to do with him, but only with my self-judgment and my backchat which is manifested as depressive feelings, heavy feelings and tiredness which are not real.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself when I’m feeling down and slow, instead of breathing through it and forgiving myself in the moment, realizing it is only my backchat which I am participating in.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always want to be pushing myself to the utmost, instead of taking it slow and taking it one thing at a time.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as ‘not trying hard enough’ when I’m not pushing myself to the max in every moment, when that pushing is only a result of stress caused by the fact that I know I’m not being effective or applying myself properly.
-I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to relax and take on moments as they come no matter how I’m feeling.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I need to hide and suppress how I’m feeling, instead of expressing myself, whether right or wrong, and then taking responsibility for what I say and do by using forgiveness and corrective application.