Exam Cram

I'm still having a hard time moving myself effectively through paper writing. I'm just avoiding getting over myself. I'm doing 2 papers right now so I'm going to push through my resistances and focus.

I spent most of my time in the educational system wasting time waiting for the end of the day. I find myself doing that now, wasting time as if time passing is going to get the work done.

Nothing to it but to do it.

Day 9- Self-Worth, Men.

I'm still working on my self-worth project which I formulated from the support from sunette's "self-worth and fear of others" video series.

I realize more and more how extensive these points are, and that what is written below is but a fraction of the digging I have to do to get to the bottom of this point -where it cam from -how I charged it with energy -how I contributed to it my whole life -when it took me over -what patterns came from it.

My writing is going to have to intensify if I want to get this done in my lifetime! Howerver - no reactions to the work ahead, I can only do this over time and become more effective in time.

Fear of Aging: Men.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear aging.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my youth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as either end of the aging/youthful polarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others judging me as aging/old/past my prime.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as aging/old/past my prime.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define aging as stale, old, out of the loop, diminished value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as stale, old, out of the loop, diminished value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear men judging me as old.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear men judging me as old because I will feel diminished.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished if men judge me as old because I wont have power over them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having power over men.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have power over men and/or women.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not equal to men.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place security within having power over men.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire having power over men for my own security.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse men in self-interest for my personal security.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel insecure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel secure when I feel youthful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel insecure when I feel old.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse others due to my insecurities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from men.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop this power relationship with men out of separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate men with security.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate men with dominance/dominating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe men are suppose to be strong to protect me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe if I am old no one will protect me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abused men all my life,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abused myself all my life.

I realize I'm going to have to do a lot of sf on men and women and how I define them and react to those definitions. How I view myself in relation to both genders ans the gender roles as well.

I am ready to experience men as my equals, and live with them as if they were me, without trying to manipulate them in self-interest, or desire them in self-interest, or judge them in self-interest.

Checking in self-honesty

Before I continue with "self-image and fear of others" I have to clear a few things up from my last entry.

Quote:
Sometimes think people think I look old. It’s because for a long time I was always youngest one. Youngest in my family, I usually hung out with older people, had older boyfriends mostly. At my jobs I was usually the same age or younger than my coworkers, and then I got a job at a bar where I was the youngest by about 15 years and I worked there for 3 years, which was long enough to make an impression.


In this I'm still getting a slight reaction of energy, it's a positive energetic desire wherein I feel that I still have enough youth about me to hang on to the power I perceive comes with it.

I also get the reaction of 'proud' of who I was back then, because I defined myself as 'mature' and confirmed it to myself by getting along with people who were older than me. I still define myself this way.

Also, I feel reminiscent of the perceived power I believed I had, like 'those were the days'... the days when I wasn't taking responsibility for myself!

SO,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be youthful and remain youthful, in this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project an image of myself into the past wherein I was youthful and powerful and valuable. The truth is, I never felt that way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as youthful with the belief that that youth gives me more value/power in the world. We are all in this together. I am in this with the group, I do not want to separate myself from the group by believing I have more power or value than some. I respect and value everybody as I do myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from youth, turning it in to an idea by which I define myself. I am one with youthfulness and enjoy being youthful in moments when it arises.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe when I loose that youth I will also lose the perceived value and power I have associated with it.
Nothing of beliefs can take away from who I am without my permission, and I do not allow it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear aging, in this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project a future definition of myself as older with less value/power, wherein I allow myself to fear it. I am here now, standing in self-honesty and without self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as mature, which I know is a polarity reaction of the experience of myself as feeling immature a lot of the time around friends and family so,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as being immature and I release myself from holding on to this definition of myself from the past. It no longer applies, it never applied and it does not serve me in any way now.

Next one:

Quote:
Throughout my life and especially at that bar, I associated being young with having some kind of upper hand. At that bar older men would flirt with me behind their wives backs, or guys would give me their numbers while their girlfriend’s were in the bathroom for example. Little things like this that led me to slowly allow myself to separate myself from those women and pity them because I could ‘steal their man away’ if I wanted, just because I was young and they were older. This, to me, was power.


I sense narration here, this story was not told objectively, I was creating and defining myself here.

I'm getting little 'happy' pangs from my self-definition of being that 'seductress who can steal your man away'.

The truth is I was doing everything in my power to get that reaction from those men. It's not something that 'just happened' although I pretended it did in which case I am fooling myself by believing I was so tempting that they couldn't resist me, knowing full well that I was completely manipulating and creating the belief of this experience for myself.

I became very good at it, because when I didn't get that reaction from men I felt totally worthless and powerless. In past sf I found my connection of beauty/youth/seduction to survival, wherein I felt I needed to seduce a man to come and provide for me so that I can ensure my survival in the world. So if I didn't have that power I felt insecure about my future. So from that starting point, my life depended on my ability to attract men.


________________________________________

So my question to myself is: why didn't I feel I could provide for myself?

My answer is: because I was not self-responsible and I wanted to remain that way. I didn't want to face myself and I was scared to death of that possibility.

I still need to get to the bottom of when and how I came to the belief that I required beauty for this worth and validation and therefore for survival in the world. The survival of my mind... hmmm.

It's a polarity.

I think, because I had that early childhood experience where I associated my experience of being ostracized and picked on with being ugly because of what that little girl said about me being the ugliest girl in class....

it was like a real energetic experience which my mind used as a starting point in energy for its survival. Because I reacted so emotionally and believed the experience to be real and to be who I was. I was actually programming myself for a lifetime of always trying to be the opposite of ugly so that I would never have to feel that bad again.

Fear. It always seems to come back to fear.

I don't know for sure if I have this, there isn't the clarity necessary here, but a good start. So I will continue.
______________________________________

When I talk about seduction I don't mean only always sexual seduction. I also include intellectual, emotional and energetic seduction and of both men and women.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe if I can seduce men I can survive in the world and vice versa, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe if I can't seduce I wont survive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I cannot survive on my own in the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as 'one who has the power to seduce' in a way where I'm willing to use it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be willing to attempt seduction knowing full well it is abusive to both myself and the other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny myself honesty within relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define men as providers and women as provided for.

I take self-responsibility for my actions around others, making sure I do not manipulate them into energy/energetic reactions or desires. I stop this.

I am aware of the fact that around almost anybody I will go in to the reaction of wanting to seduce them in some way, whether it be trying to get them to like me, to want to sleep with me, to want to share/be friends with me etc....

Kim, this is going to happen a lot, be aware. Breathe through it, stop it.

Next one:

Quote:
I remember thinking to myself when I was younger that I couldn’t think of any reason why my family loved me, and why they ‘kept’ me and protected me, supported me, fed me and went through all the motions of loving me. I wondered: why does my family love me? I deduced that it was because of blood, because I was a part of the family, they loved me because they had to because those were the rules.

I didn’t understand why my family loved me because I didn’t share my inner self with them, therefore they didn’t know me. Also because I was supposed to look like a girl but I looked like a boy, I wasn’t very good at school but my sister was, I didn’t do my chores because I knew I could get away with it although my parents would get mad at me and I would be upset and take it personally. I didn’t have any morals so I would lie all the time and steal and cheat and cut corners whenever I could and I didn’t take responsibility for anything.


This story contains self-pity. What I wrote here is truth, in a way, in that I did perceive myself to have experienced life this way, feeling unwanted and unloved and whatnot... but this re-telling of my past in self-pity stops here. I don't need to define myself by this story anymore. It happened, it sucked, it's done and over now, There's no need for me to carry this around believing it to still have an effect on me.

Especially now, since desteni my relationships are changing, updating so to speak. Especially with my parents which is so cool, because I am taking responsibility for the fact that all this experience was sef-created, I have no more use for keeping it, using it to blame anyone and having it 'at the ready' to use to pity myself to get attention and consolation when I'm feeling vulnerable.
Besides, I feel less vulnerable as I shed these deceptive behaviours, because I have less and less fear of being called out on it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use self-pity to manipulate others to comfort and console me when I feel vulnerable.

In self-honesty, I can't rely on others to pick me up when I'm down and give me strength when I feel weak. Those are my footprints alone in the sand, it is I who am carrying god during hard times...bastard.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use self-pity to justify my self-definition of being weak and worthless, and just to cover the obvious polarity here, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be special and all-powerful.

I accept that I am here and have worth, which means I have no excuse to not take responsibility for my experience of myself from now on. This implies I act in self-honesty, treating others as I would want to be treated, keeping in mind what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to define myself based on my stories from my past.

I'm not that person anymore, so, now it's time to let that go and concentrate on forgiving myself for all that I have accepted and allowed to accumulate as me over all those years of living unaware, in self-dishonesty and without ever taking any kind of self-responsibility.

Next one:

Quote:
When I read this over I’m disgusted with the kind of child I was, and I’m pretty sure I was disgusted with it at the time too. Regardless of how it got that way, I am going to take responsibility for it, but not tonight.
2:20am, time to drop it for now.


Of course I am disgusted, children in this system are disgusting little creatures by about the age of 3. I observe it all the time. They are spoiled, inconsiderate, immoral and selfish little emotional brats most of the time. I also observe how we create and perpetuate this because nobody knows how to actually raise children in a way that supports who they really are, or how to teach them actual consideration.

So yes, I was exactly what I claimed I was, but I do not judge myself in disgust because I understand now that I was the result of the deception of humanity like everybody else and nobody knew better. What's done is done. There is only stopping and correction now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in disgust for the type of child I was.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as self-disgust.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have lived as self-disgust as a child, and instead of correcting myself and taking responsibility, I continued on in the self-disgust.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hang on to that experience in the belief that it's the only option, I know now it is not, and I release myself from this definition of disgust that I have been carrying around. It does not serve me and it is not valid as me because I do not validate it anymore.

Day 7-Aging in relation to other women

Day 7-

I'm going to continue to explore "self-image and fear of others"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8t5CLeGnGE

In this video sunette suggests to write out a list of what one perceives others to be thinking and feeling  about oneself and one is seeing oneself .

I had begun with how I perceive others 'see' me, wherein I flip it around to reveal how I see myself.  So far I‘ve covered beautiful and plain. Next up: aging.

Sometimes   think people think I look old. It’s because for a long time I was always youngest one. Youngest in my family, I usually hung out with older people, had older boyfriends mostly.  At my jobs I was usually the same age or younger than my coworkers, and then I got a job at a bar where I was the youngest by about 15 years and I worked there for 3 years, which was long enough to make an impression.

Throughout my life and especially at that bar, I associated being young with having some kind of upper hand.  At that bar older men would flirt with me behind their wives backs, or guys would give me their numbers while their girlfriend’s were in the bathroom for example. Little things like this that led me to slowly allow myself to separate myself from those women and pity them because I could ‘steal their man away’ if I wanted, just because I was young and they were older. This, to me, was power.

  The experience of not having power or control of my life while I was growing up exacerbated this desire to control men and prove to myself that it was finally me who had the power over others. I found this power in my youth and sexuality. 

But now I’m in school as a mature student, so I’m 6-10 year older than most of the student body. Plus, I dress conservatively, usually no makeup.  Meanwhile, the beings I go to school with are still playing out the game I used to play at that age. Being ‘sexy and stylish’, ‘young and beautiful’, things I no longer participate in but which I once valued immensely. So now I just feel old sometimes.

Women:

I felt that when they are older they are unwanted. I think that their male partners aren’t happy with them and do not love them, but are staying with them out of duty.

I judge older women as desperate to be loved and taken care of, but with no real means to achieve that end, because they didn’t have youth.

I viewed them as pathetic.

From this I see that I fear being unwanted, and that I believe there is no reason for anyone to love me. I feel old and pathetic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being unwanted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to be wanted and accepted to have worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the development of my own self-worth in the hands of others, and then trying to manipulate them into wanting me (men) or wanting to be like me (women), so that I can prove to myself that I am wanted, by looking to them for this reflection, thus making it their responsibility and not my own.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my responsibility to develop my self-worth in the hands of others who are not aware that I have done this, and when they don’t take responsibility for me because they are unaware that I’ve placed this on them, I end up allowing myself to be abused as I judge myself to be unwanted through them apparently not wanting me, as they are only functioning in self-interest. This is self abuse.

No matter how much I manipulate people into wanting me, and no matter how badly they want me, it will never create an ounce of self-worth nor will it diminish my fear of being unwanted, as only I can control such things for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself through placing my responsibility for my self-worth outside myself, into the hands of unknowing others, thus setting myself up to have absolutely no direction over myself and my proper development of self-worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse others by placing the responsibility of my self-worth in their hands, a task they could never fulfill even if they wanted to.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to manipulate other in order to develop the reflection of myself that I desire, placing the personal experience of the other below mine and placing myself above them, using them as a means to an end. This is abusive, and I am both abuser and abused, as myself and as others as oneness.

I take responsibility for the development of my self-worth now, by not judging myself through others, by treating others as one with me and valuing them as me so that I may value myself.

I stop manipulating my behaviour in an attempt to manipulate others in self-interest for my ego because I have not taken responsibility for myself.

I will not use others as a way to avoid taking responsibility for my own experience.

For the second half of the sentence: “and that I believe there is no reason for anyone to love me”

This comes up:

I remember thinking to myself when I was younger that I couldn’t think of any reason why my family loved me, and why they ‘kept’ me and protected me, supported me, fed me and went through all the motions of loving me. I wondered: why does my family love me? I deduced that it was because of blood, because I was a part of the family, they loved me because they had to because those were the rules.

I didn’t understand why my family loved me because I didn’t share my inner self with them, therefore they didn’t know me. Also because I was supposed to look like a girl but I looked like a boy, I wasn’t very good at school but my sister was, I didn’t do my chores because I knew I could get away with it although my parents would get mad at me and I would be upset and take it personally. I didn’t have any morals so I would lie all the time and steal and cheat and cut corners whenever I could and I didn’t take responsibility for anything.

When I read this over I’m disgusted with the kind of child I was, and I’m pretty sure I was disgusted with it at the time too. Regardless of how it got that way, I am going to take responsibility for it, but not tonight.

2:20am, time to drop it for now.

F-ing Amazing Support From Desteni Cult Members

This is a conversation I had on a thread on the Desteni forum where I also post and create my blog entries. When I write 'Quoting: Kim' it means someone is referring to something I had previously posted. Maybe that is really obvious, but I want to be clear because there is some amazing support here that I would like to share effectively.

 This conversation begins with Anna referring to something I had expressed about my fear of posting Desteni videos on facebook.

Quoting: Kim

“I also posted them on facebook which was cool for me because I'm hesitant to post videos that indicate anything about the portal. I'm really having constant issues with sharing this fact with non-destonians, so even though Sunette doesn't mention anything about leaving her body etc... in the video, she IS the portal so... I have resistances to posting it. “

Anna:

Here you can do the same as well - what do I fear/believe within sharing the videos? What do I fear/believe will happen if I share the videos? What do I fear/believe others will think/judge of me if they see I have posted these videos? How Do I see that in myself?

Kim:

I think people will lump Desteni in with Jim Jones and transcendental meditation or any other cult who do nothing in the world.

If that happens they won’t have the opportunity to hear the message and learn the tools.

The portal is the one thing that people can 'attack' me about and I don't feel I can defend it. I can't say I've seen it first hand and I can't 'prove' it's real, so... Also, because it deals with another dimension, I feel, immediately people will put their guards up.

Come to think of it, if someone had told me about desteni, and I hadn't found it on my own, I don't think I would have believed it. I would have judged them as a 'religious freak' or a cult member full of brainwashed nonsense. I would not listen to someone who would try to talk to me about something like this and I would probably distance myself from them. This is what I fear will happen to me.

So what's going on in my mind now is:

If i lose my credibility then I can't spread the message.

If I lose my credibility and people thought I was in a cult i'd be embarrassed.

If people thought I was in a cult they wouldn't listen to me. My facebooking would be in vain. People would distance themselves from me.

I fear this reaction from people. And I get this feeling of absolute powerlessness.

The memory that comes up with this feeling is when my dog was getting severe arthritis and he couldn't walk anymore, so I found these dog wheelchairs online that could have given him years. This dog was the most important thing in the world to me, and when I announced my findings to my parents they dismissed the idea without giving it one second of thought.

I sat there absolutely crushed because that meant Rocky would die, which he did by euthanasia soon after.

It was this feeling of someone else having absolute power over me with no consideration to how I felt.

I always hid what I was feeling so there's no way anyone could have taken my experience into consideration. Because I didn't express myself everybody just thought I was ok with everything, but really I would become upset, hurt, angry etc... and keep it all in.

It's this fear of expressing myself because I fear others won’t validate my experience and end up taking my power away.

I've actually done a lot of sf on this and I think it's only something I can continue to build over time. The self-worth and confidence that is, the foundation of a self wherein I can be stable enough within myself to not believe I require the validation of others.

I think I'll go ahead and post a bunch of portal videos to show myself that I will be unaffected by it.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Andrew:

Cool Kim, I have also looked at this point within myself, and notice even still a point of 'shame' from the perspective of "opening up" to people in my world about what I am doing. I see that I am still allowing myself to fear what other people think of me, what my friends, peers, and family think of me. So yes still developing a point of Stability within myself as well, and also see the point of requiring deeper self introspection and investigation to get to the core of how I am actually still allowing such points within and as me.

Thanks for Sharing.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Anna:

Quoting: Kim

“The memory that comes up with this feeling is when my dog was getting severe arthritis and he couldn't walk anymore, so I found these dog wheelchairs online that could have given him years. This dog was the most important thing in the world to me, and when I announced my findings to my parents they dismissed the idea without giving it one second of thought.”

In the interview with Sunette about BackChat as the soft-speaking Deception, she explains how a lot of BackChat comes from past experiences/memories, where we experienced ourselves being unfairly treated, then Suppressed the anger/blame which has now accumulated into a BackChat - Quite fascinating as this specific memory might indicate such a point.

(view video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_YUQHswqng )

Quoting: Kim

“I think I’ll go ahead and post a bunch of portal videos to show myself that I will be unaffected by it.”

Consider perhaps stopping the reaction as it comes up, not Accepting it as Real and Valid, so that it is not a point of "Standing up against", as Suppressing the reaction but Standing up from within and as it in Common Sense Self-Honesty.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Joe:

Some very cool points here that I can relate to -

In looking at who i am, how i have approached walking this process, there has been an underlying fear/shame and 'secret' desire to not be associated with a 'cult', not wanting to be able to be attacked by those who do not see the message - yet all of this is projection and self-enslavement.

in having a look now what i see is that my reluctance and 'fear' to be seen completely visibly as a destonian is based on fear that i will lose credibility within the matrix, and i fear this because i am not at a point of financial stability - and have fears that i will not be 'acceptable' by the system if i were more visible. but this is just the 'surface' fear that i am able to speak on.

what LIEs beneath are the suppressed fears - which come from me realizing that to stand with desteni completely and fully is to actually drop and let go of my self-definitions - actually push through my self-interest and fears and face the consequences of the 'life' and self that i have designed myself to be thus far. thus the reluctance to sharing desteni and the desteni message is the realization that at the moment much of what i would be sharing is knowledge and information - because i am still walking my process, and i am still dis-covering who i am, and still working through points.

wanting to share 'desteni' is me not actually sharing MYSELF as the process - and in this the shame is not to do with fearing others for judging me, fearing others for branding me as being in a 'cult' or throwing me into the lot of jim jones and hail bop - those are justifications that i have used to not actually see the REAL POINT - which is that i am limiting myself and allowing the opinions of others to direct me instead of pushing myself to stand as my own self-realizations within self-honesty.

my perspective is that it is not about the number of desteni or portal vids you share that determines one's standing - it is who one is within the sharing and whether or not one is are spreading a 'message' that one does not actually STAND AS. and if not - its cool - simply get self to the point of actual standing and then the sharing of desteni material and desteni videos becomes simply a part of who one is instead of something one feels one 'should' do. it is not about converting others or getting others to hear the message - they will have to see for themselves - and the most effective way to share the message is simply to live it - apply it - and share oneself within that. otherwise it is knowledge being shared TO others, not actual self-realizations being lived and sharing of self.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Kim:

Quoting: Anna

“In the interview with Sunette about BackChat as the soft-speaking Deception, she explains how a lot of BackChat comes from past experiences/memories, where we experienced ourselves being unfairly treated, then Suppressed the anger/blame which has now accumulated into a BackChat - Quite fascinating as this specific memory might indicate such a point.”

You're right. I have a lot of intense emotions of guilt, sadness and powerlessness concerning this dog that I have done sf on but not enough obviously. This point is like a raw nerve for me, however, I've seen a couple of the early pet cross-over videos, where the pet says not to feel guilty, that he/she had a good life etc... This was helpful and it made me realize that Rocky is not in some spirit world somewhere spiting me for allowing him to suffer and be put down. It also showed me that somewhere, someone else was experiencing the same thing as me, and the pet-crossover video might as well have been speaking directly to me because the situation was exactly the same.

I have a lot of sf started and not completed, but I'll just make a note here to do more extensive sf on the Rocky point, because even while I'm arranging my thoughts into words here, I'm getting emotional about it, so, it's a sore spot.

Quoting: Anna (who is referring to when I said:  "I think I'll go ahead and post a bunch of portal videos to show myself that I will be unaffected by it.”)

 Anna: 

“Consider perhaps stopping the reaction as it comes up, not Accepting it as Real and Valid, so that it is not a point of "Standing up against", as Suppressing the reaction but Standing up from within and as it in Common Sense Self-Honesty.”

I'm glad I didn't just go ahead and do that to try to 'prove' something to myself. In common sense and self-honesty = if I watch a video that has been really helpful to me, such as the three you suggested, I will share them and not participate in the reaction.

Is there a difference between 'stopping the reaction' and 'not participating within the reaction'?

When I say I don't participate in a reaction, the experience I am describing is similar to the matrix where keanu reeves gets shot at and the bullets slow down and he dodges them.

The experience for me is like my mind is slowed down and I can see the thoughts coming, they are still there but I don't participate in them, so they pass over me or through me like the bullets going by: they were still fired, but they didn't have the anticipated effect of causing harm.

I was uncertain about this technique because I don't want to ignore thought reactions, believing that I'm not participating in them, when really I'm burying them inside somewhere.

When I stop reactions I have this same concern, am I just burying it?

The third variation of this type of experience is when I choose not to participate in a reaction, speaking up in class for example, I breathe etc... but my body reacts as if I were in full participation. Heart pounding, sweaty palms and stuff.

I wonder if this is because I didn't catch it soon enough, or maybe it is because this point is one of the more ingrained ones for me.

What I understand is:

when there is a thought, if there is an emotional reaction, it requires sf.

If it is just a random thought I can delete it or stop it by saying delete or stop out loud and even explaining to myself why it doesn't serve me.

If I've already done my sf on a point (like speaking in class) and the emotional reactions come up again, I don't have to do all the sf over again, I just have to not participate and push through until the energy runs itself out.

SF:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what others may think of me when I post videos on facebook, specifically beings who are not familiar with desteni.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that there is only self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will lose my credibility if I publish posts which reveal the existence of the portal, the existence of other dimensions, the fact that all beings who have crossed over are now stomach enzymes- lol- ...anything to do with the HOM series etc... anything that I would think is crazy if someone were to tell it to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself by projecting my self-judgements back to myself through my ideas of others because I have not actually walked to material, therefore I believe I lack credibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ostracized by the group.

I've already done sf on points of judgment and projecting and exposing that is relevant here:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing others to themselves as I act in self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself so that I don’t make others uncomfortable or realize what they have accepted and allowed within themselves. I will no longer diminish myself because I don’t want to be the one to expose others to themselves. I will no longer fear the blame they may place on me, I know it’s not me they’re mad at. I will no longer fear others reactions to themselves, even if it is projected on to me. I stand as stability and support them through the realization of their responsibility, as I would like to have done for me. But I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to alter my behaviour in order not to have an effect on people. This is self-dishonest and abusive to myself as well as others.

I can't find the others but I remember it was mostly about projecting myself back to myself through others.

I made this video which was actually specifically about why I have this fear of revealing what I'm up to with desteni on facebook:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXE7xMQUaTY

Joe, I had a serious sinking reaction to this:

Quoting: Joe

“what LIEs beneath are the suppressed fears - which come from me realizing that to stand with desteni completely and fully is to actually drop and let go of my self-definitions - actually push through my self-interest and fears and face the consequences of the 'life' and self that i have designed myself to be thus far. thus the reluctance to sharing desteni and the desteni message is the realization that at the moment much of what i would be sharing is knowledge and information - because i am still walking my process, and i am still dis-covering who i am, and still working through points.”

If I stand with desteni completely and fully, I fear I will face a whole world of shit within my current relationships and my comfortable world where there is currently no conflict.

I've already had two people react towards me quite aggressively to information which was just the tip of the iceberg. I am NOT used to this experience so it left an impression on me wherein I feel 'scarred'. I never thought people would react like that, so now I fear if I reveal my desteni involvement, people who I thought were one way might turn in to these vicious beings as I have already experienced.

I also had a friend from the past call desteni a cult and I really reacted to that as well.

I've applied sf on this but I can tell it is still with me, so another note to self here, to apply sf on those incidents: the two men and the girl.

Because I am only beginning to really walk my process, I can't rely on having substantiated anything within myself to stand by, so I just get blown over by these people.

Right now, I am not stable enough to handle much of this type of confrontation. I get so mad I feel shaky and it all just absorbs back into me. Getting mad is proving that I am no better than someone who is anti-desteni because I know the information but am not applying it. It's almost worse. If I were truly a living statement of anything I would walk it and beings would see or not see it as me. If they don't see I will not be moved one way or another, I would just remain stable to stand by them if and when they decide to see.

But until then, I should not invite confrontation into my life, because I am just learning to walk.

I am ready to post videos in practical common sense, without reacting to my fears and judgments now.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Bella’s Answers:

Kim’s Question (Q:):

“Is there a difference between 'stopping the reaction' and 'not participating within the reaction?”

Bella's Answer (A): 

not really - because 'stopping the reaction' actually means You stopping You from participating in / from re-creating the reaction.

  

Q:

“When I say I don't participate in a reaction, the experience I am describing is similar to the matrix where keanu reeves gets shot at and the bullets slow down and he dodges them.

The experience for me is like my mind is slowed down and I can see the thoughts coming, they are still there but I don't participate in them, so they pass over me or through me like the bullets going by: they were still fired, but they didn't have the anticipated effect of causing harm.”

A: 

yes, fascinating!

Q:

“I was uncertain about this technique because I don't want to ignore thought reactions, believing that I'm not participating in them, when really I'm burying them inside somewhere.”

A: 

very cool point here - the slowing down assist in assessing the points in self-honesty IN the moment!

Q:

“When I stop reactions I have this same concern, am I just burying it?”

A: 

this only You can know/see in self-honesty.

a practical self-support application here would be to for-instance at the end of the day sit with pen & paper or at your pc and look at such moments/situations from your day : see if there's any inner movements coming-up as you look at each point; if yes, you can utilize self-forgiveness to clear the point/yourself, until you are satisfied and self-clarity is here.

Q:

“The third variation of this type of experience is when I choose not to participate in a reaction, speaking up in class for example, I breathe etc... but my body reacts as if I were in full participation. Heart pounding, sweaty palms and stuff.

I wonder if this is because I didn't catch it soon enough, or maybe it is because this point is one of the more ingrained ones for me. “

A: 

yes it sounds like more 'ingrained' if we look at the physical anxiety-reaction.

here i would work specifically with writing-out the mind-construct, placing all cards on the table, and allowing me to see what exactly it is i am fearing, what perceptions/ideas of myself am i manifesting, what am i expecting, what polarities are evident---

to then apply self-forgiveness very specifically, point by point - realizing that it will take time to re-program myself into a new living-application as who i see myself as equal of life.

as you participate in your reality IN the moments of such situation(s), allow yourself the 'time'/process to breathe and let go of all points you realize through self-forgiveness - through breathing, as you do/did.

Q:

“If I've already done my sf on a point (like speaking in class) and the emotional reactions come up again, I don't have to do all the sf over again, I just have to not participate and push through until the energy runs itself out.”

A: 

yes, definitely, though also to look at the possibility that i haven't yet seen the point in its entirety. writing, i find, always assists.

again, it's a point of self-honesty -- to see what's the deal / what's the case.

if i remain with uncertainty or i keep questioning the point - i go back and look at it again, always in writing or speaking aloud, because here i can 'trap' myself if any dishonesty/self-manipulation wants to play-out; whereas in the mind, the mind tends to win, lol.

Q:

“What I understand is:

when there is a thought, if there is an emotional reaction, it requires sf.

If it is just a random thought I can delete it or stop it by saying delete or stop out loud and even explaining to myself why it doesn't serve me.”

A: 

the latter point i find a bit 'tricky' - is anything ever really random? maybe yes, maybe no. therefore, i always look at 'okay, who am I in relation to this thought/point that just came up?'

if i am able to see and direct the point as myself immediately, making sure there is no resistance, no judgment, no fear, no suppression/denial - then cool. if any even so subtle notion of a reaction is here, i will look at the point before i rush to discard it as 'random'. after all, I am the one experiencing/looking at it, so why is it here?

this may sound like 'too much of a trouble' - though mostly such 'moments' are actually short, and get shorted with practice. eventually one direct any point in one breath. i find that watching movies is a good practice in this regard.

the following may assist with practical perspectives on self-forgiveness: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-q4KDkqi8rI

Day 6- Perceiving Perceptions

Perceived Perceptions

Support From Anna:

"We don't actually know what others think about us. Thus what we believe that they think about us, is actually what we think about/back-chat about/Judge ourselves.
So this is a cool way to take Self-Responsibility - to see what it is we believe others think about us or judge us for and then bring it back to Self.

Here are some cool videos by Sunette about Judgment and Self-Image"

Judgment-The Good and the Bad: 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sm_qovfQ8Lw 

Self-Image and Fear of Others 1:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8t5CLeGnGE
Self-Image and Fear of Others 2:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIhfgub0XHg
___________________________________________________________________
Cool videos! 

I have actually already watched them around the time they were released, but because I hadn't at that point started opening up the points within myself, (although I saw the common sense in them back then), I watched them with fresh eyes tonight.

It's videos like these where, at least in my experience, you think you're having these super personal secret and oftentimes shameful experiences within yourself and then there's this girl reading your secret script on a screen in front of your face!

It's this undeniable truth that surpasses doubt because she's so specific and accurate in the points she addresses that there's no room for interpretation. It simply is what it is - the truth.

Anyway, I'm going to write a list of what I perceive people to be thinking about me, how I believe they see me and how I feel they feel about me, as was suggested in the video.

How do 'people' see me?

Beautiful -only if I've determined that I look ok before I left the house. Meaning, my hair looks good, I haven't picked my face so my skin looks nice, maybe I put on a little makeup or I like my outfit or whatever. Maybe I feel like my clothes are very flattering.

So what this indicates is my desire to be beautiful.

My desire to be attractive, to have males look at me and be drawn to me (giving me perceived power over them) or for females to look at me and be jealous.

Already I see how abusive this self-judgment is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be beautiful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more beautiful than other women.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as beautiful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do certain specific things before I leave the house to ensure my experience of feeling beautiful when I'm around others out in the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be beautiful so that I can attract men and manipulate them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be beautiful so that I can make other women jealous thus making me feel less insecure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse other women in order to make me 'feel' more secure instead of facing and taking responsibility for my own insecurities. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to manipulate others in order to manifest a certain positive experience for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the energetic rush of desire I get when I feel beautiful, and then someone glances at me and so I automatically assume they are thinking I am beautiful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse men by desiring them to want me so that I can manipulate them further, to further my self-image.

Plain-

Sometimes I feel really plain, especially since I stopped wearing makeup and doing my hair all them time. My biggest issue here is that I worry people will think that I'm gay. It's not a point about being gay for me, it's more fear of the butch steriotype because I am very tall and broad-shouldered and I have masculine features.

When I was little people used to mistake me for a boy all the time and it used to absolutely humiliate me, I would be so ashamed if it happened in front of my family. But secretly at the time I wished I were a boy. I wonder if I AM gay? I don't even know! I never  felt  drawn to one sex over the other. I mean, I guess it doesn't really matter.

My first sexual experience was with a woman and I liked it and then my experiences with males after that were not so enjoyable. Hmmm...

I'm currently working on non-judgemental sex where touch is just touch, and I'm expressing myself without fear or acting or desire etc... and it's been very nice. I have been enjoying myself with a man now more than I ever have before. So if I am bi or gay or straight, it is irrelevant to me now. But the fact that I don't know makes me feel insecure.

so, believing others see me as plain reveals to me about myself that I'm uncertain of my sexual orientation. COOL!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged by my sexual orientation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being defined by my sexual orientation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being certain about my sexual orientation, and in this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel insecure in not knowing something so intimate about myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lack the self-intimacy to know my own sexual orientation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others based on their sexual orientation.

-OR-

something that just came up is that if a male looks at me and I perceive him to be thinking that I look plain and assessing from that that I'm gay, in that I feel I have lost my ability to manipulate him as I can no longer control him with sex.

Anytime I have used sex as a manipulator it has been to make myself feel better about myself, so sex has been very abusive in nature in my life in that way.

Also, a couple of bad incidents has confirmed to me (in my mind) that all males want from women is sex, or that they want that primarily.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abused myself and my partners with dishonest manipulative sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abused myself, sexually throughout my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abused others sexually throughout my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have removed all innocence from sex.

To be continued.... sf is so cool.

day 5- sf on past definitions -beauty, acceptance, beliefs

I'm not sure how to do sf for the past, but what I'm going to do is kind of bring it all here to the present because if I'm forgiving patterns from the past they're probably all still repeating somewhere in me right now. Also, I only exist in this moment so it makes sense to me to write in the present tense when doing sf as I am forgiving myself for things that I still do or that I still carry around.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my character as 'who I am' in order to get people to like me. In this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive others by presenting to them a 'fake face'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself, by wanting so badly to be something other than what I have become (accepted and allowed myself to become), but not wanting to do any of the work to change myself actually. In this, I am merely acting out the final product of my desire, without actually being it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'act out' who or what I want to be instead of taking responsibility for myself to actually become that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel dread towards taking responsibility for myself. I have to face what I have accepted and allowed. It's not even real, there is nothing to fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on what others think or express about me, without taking in to consideration myself as having inherent value with no need to be defined.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expose myself to the judgments of others from a starting point of looking to 'them' to define me for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience the whole world as a mirror and wanting to control everything outside of me so that I can perceive myself as having changed instead of taking the steps to change myself from the onside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless and angry when I can't control something outside of me, like a person's reaction to me, because I have placed my power outside of me and in to them, relying upon them to validate who I am. Patience as I live my commitment to process and over time will reveal a me that deserves my validation. Until then -breath, self-forgiveness, corrective application. -no judgment  -common sense -what's best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my anger on to those I give my power away to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to devalue my principles because I have devalued myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on this person I'm existing as which is just a result of careless enslavement to the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe appearance matters.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be anything but me because I'm not beautiful enough to experience a fulfilled life. Fulfilled in the sense of friends, fun, excitement, happiness, adoration, specialness, confidence, expressiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe a fulfilled life involves things that do not take everything into consideration and are therefore done in self-interest. (Happiness, adoration, specialness, friends (at this point in my process, I'm not ready for friends) confidence as an idea, expressiveness as ego).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe there's a certain way a woman's life 'should be'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the societal construct of beauty, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use that construct as a standard by which I compare myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to every girl I see, as if I were 'sizing up the competition".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within jealousy when I believe girls to be beautiful and 'have it all'.

I'm starting to see and realize nobody has it all, or has it any easier than me. We're all in our own processes dealing with our own inner world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to befriend people and then become extremely jealous of them.

I was always so jealous of my friends because in my mind I was 'the ugliest girl in the class' and I wanted to be anyone else,. so I would watch my friends in absolute envy as they went about their business being normal while inside I felt isolated and resentful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry around this self-definition so that I can perpetuate this self-image by constantly looking at others and believing them to be better than me.

I have been feeding this self-image the whole time, using my own skewed interpretations of events which were completely biased to confirm the fact that I was ugly/weird/boring/etc... because that's what I chose to believe myself to be. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

more soon....