Day 2- Deception

March 20, 2011

 In the morning, sometimes when I wake up there’s a moment before I become aware that I was just sleeping and am now awake where I experience a comfortable nothingness. This morning as I became aware of being awake I immediately did not want to face the day. I experienced this as feeling extremely tired with a touch of dread. I immediately thought of process and I breathed “I am here”. My mind told me “if you get up now, feeling like this, you will feel like this all day”, and, “sleep some more and you will feel better”. I lay there for half an hour in a light sleep thinking:

I know that it doesn’t matter how I feel during the day, that I cannot escape ‘feeling bad’ through sleep, and that self-forgiveness and breath get me through it.

I know that more sleep is not the answer. I see how sleep can be utilized as an escape. I must get up and face the day.

But as I lay there it is as if my mind was working in fast forward, pilling my baggage back on to me before I could realize it isn’t real, so that by the time my head lifts off the pillow, I am already heavy with the reality of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wake up and go immediately in to the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wake up and immediately not want to face me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought that I can’t face myself today, I realize I have no choice. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that facing myself is a daunting task, which is the same feeling I manifest connected to thoughts about the paper I’m writing, which I knew I would be working on all day. I have already forgiven myself about this point, I see the thoughts and the feelings I manifest along with them, I see how they do not serve me, and I stop my participation within them. Today I did what I could, I pushed myself, tomorrow I will push through the resistances, I will get this done.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape in to sleep, or to utilize sleep as an escape, feeling temporarily freed from the experience of myself, and choosing to pursue that experience of fleeing myself instead of facing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face myself, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face myself in every moment. The present moment is all there is, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed by the idea of facing all that I am. I face myself in the moment, one moment at a time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I get up while I’m still tired, that I will feel that way all day.

Some SF on things that are coming up right now:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat another in ways that would devastate me, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts about others that are abusive in nature, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my thoughts have nothing to do with others, and are purely about me and who I am in relation to that person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in events in the physical which are based on the pursuit of energetic feelings I manifested in my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value in these pursuits, especially when these pursuits are secrets and would change the way others saw me if they knew.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that having a secret mind and a secret life make me special.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose energetic charges over my principles. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value my mind over life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend to be so naïve that I can deceive myself.

But even as I write these words I can feel inside me that I want to go off and do whatever it is that I want to do, to selfishly do whatever pleases me. I feel resentment that I have not allowed myself to be myself, that I’ve played so many different roles for others and in doing that I have suppressed myself, neglected myself and suffocated myself to the point where I have acted out in complete and utter self-interest. I have justified that self-interest through the belief that I deserve to do ‘something for me’ because I spend all my life being ‘someone for others’.

“I can be the perfect daughter, to your face. But behind your back I’m going to do whatever the hell I want. I’ll lie, cheat and steal and get what I want behind your back. You want the perfect girlfriend? I can give you that. But when you’re not around I will go after other guys, continue seeking the thrill of the chase, and then look you in the eyes and lie to your face about who I am.”

I thought it didn’t matter. I thought who I was had no consequence, as long as others believed me to be a certain way. I believed that was all that mattered because if they believed it that would be their experience and they would be happy. I would be making them happy by pretending to be someone I was not, while at the same time, pursuing my own demons thinking it was going to make me happy. No harm, as long as no one found out.

But now I find out there is harm in doing this. I played a role for everyone, whatever role they wanted. I became good at sensing what a person wanted out of me, and I gave that to them. At first it was like a game I was learning how to play, but eventually I became a slave to it.

Then I started to see others as abusive to me because they did not see through my act. I saw them as foolish for believing me and therefore not deserving of my respect. I believed them to be nothing because of what they have done to me and allowed me to do to them. But I have done it to myself. And there’s no getting it back now. What’s done is done, I can’t get that back. I can’t believe what I‘ve done to myself. I knew I was doing it.  I can’t believe I never stopped myself, I never believed I was more than that, I believed myself to be nothing, and now here I am, looking back at what I’ve created, and I so don’t want to admit it and face it that I’d rather just continue to do it. I’d rather just shut my eyes tight and ignore the truth of myself. I’m sitting here feeling as though I cannot face myself. I would not survive facing what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, or not become.  I believe I cannot face myself because I believe myself to be only that, and I have not realized myself as life, because I do not believe myself to be life. It is so horrible and terrible and wonderful all at the same time.

I understand how to forgive myself for this, but I feel as though I owe something to the people in my life who I deceived.

  But I can’t go back and fix all my mistakes; all I have is this moment. All I can do is forgive myself of my past and let it go so that I can change and be honest within my current relationships, and not continue my patterns of deception.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be special. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not have to face myself, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be exempt from this process because I am somehow special and not involved in this whole mind possession thing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my own deception, that I am this perfect being who makes people happy. I am not that, I am me, regardless of people’s reactions to me. I am stable; I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, for picking myself apart and finding every little imperfection and blowing it out of proportion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel it is my job to ‘make people happy’, I only ever end up hurting them in the end, when I can’t keep it up and I leave their lives.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abandoned myself. I have always been here, I just didn’t realize it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have deceived many people in my world, only to abandon them in the end.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the perfect roles, to have spent so much time perfecting these perfect roles, all the while suppressing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have suppressed, neglected, suffocated, and starved myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have given up on myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was worth nothing because I was not real. “I have worth because I breathe” because I am here, because I am life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have deceived others because I believed I was making them happy, when in reality I was only making myself happy by reflecting myself back to myself through their reactions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use others in this way, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon these people when the act grew tiresome, tossing them from my life as if they were nothing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to devalue life in this way, thus devaluing myself as life. I am one with everyone I deceived, therefore I have deceived myself. I have abused myself the most through this deception, and tossed myself aside as if I were nothing, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do this to myself, as one with life as myself as others in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a slave to my need for people to react positively to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for this enslavement of myself.

I am here.

Self-Realization v. School

School v. Process

A pattern I need to write about is how I experience myself in relation to school. I’m experiencing difficulty in situations where school work becomes my only focus.

What I experience: an exam is approaching. I feel as though I don’t know where to begin studying: all the information seems relevant and I can’t pick out the important points to focus on. Because all the information seems relevant I become overwhelmed by the vast quantity of information I need to study.

When I begin to study I fear that I haven’t absorbed enough information in class and through the readings, that I’m incapable of understanding the material and that I’ll do poorly and reveal the fact that I’m not capable of achieving good grades.

I used to rely on stress and motivation to begin studying, but those things are gone and now I feel nothing moving me to begin the arduous process of beginning to sift through the material. I procrastinate and then my world feels like it’s closing in and I have no control.  I stop blogging, become possessed and banish myself to my room with my books where I get very little done.

Eventually I move myself to begin, but now I feel I haven’t left myself enough time. I become overwhelmed.

So I move myself to begin studying well before I normally would have, but I can’t focus, I read and re-read the same paragraph and I don’t absorb the information, it reminds me of being a horrible student in grade school.

At the last minute all becomes clear, I cram the day before, well into the night and then early the next morning right up to the exam. Everything turns out fine. But I have not been blogging, I have become doubtful, I wonder whether I can do process, become self-critical and destructive and basically waste days on end with this pattern.

March 19, 2010.

                I don’t know how long ago I wrote that, but, the semester is winding down and the rest of this month and in to next month is going to be a good test for me with this pattern I’m working on. These last couple of days I’ve been struggling with a paper. I feel like a child within this wherein I can’t believe how I’m reacting to this. I don’t want to do it, it’s hard and boring and I feel like my whole body gets irritated, my eyes can’t see clearly and want to shut, my mind gets all foggy and I can’t think. I get so frustrated I want to cry.

                So I breathed through this and did sf on it today and yesterday. Today I ended up talking about it with my parents in the kitchen. I shared my experiences and how I felt like a child who was resistant towards a task and then I talked about my paper topic and listened to their suggestions. I was honest with them and the whole interaction was very helpful. I went to a coffee shop and applied their suggestions and practiced breathing and I finally had my first breakthrough wherein I began to form an outline and an introduction as well as the beginning of the first argument.

                I have placed much importance on this particular paper for three reasons. 1) It is the longest paper I’ve ever had to write, and I haven’t proven myself to be a great paper writer because I haven’t been able to get past this childlike point. 2) I really want to impress this teacher because he was a politician, and I want to impress him so I can have a letter of reference, and I want him to remember me so that I can use him in the future as a connection or affiliation. 3)  My grades are really good in this class, and the paper is worth 40% so if I mess it up I can bring down my GPA and lessen all the work I have done so far.

                I’ve built this paper up to be something daunting and huge and important. This creates huge resistance in me and I’m surprised at how physical that resistance is. Simply because it is hard and I don’t want to do it, I don’t want to push myself to apply myself because I don’t see a point in it. But there’s a huge point, and that is self direction. The paper is important and so is doing well at school, but I have to let go of the ideal of perfection I’m trying to attain. The most important thing here is that I practice my application, and as long as I do that my grades will be good because I will be effectively applying myself at whatever it is that I am doing. I will always and consistently do my best if I am effectively applying myself.

                So I will continue to breathe and apply sf on this point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define a term paper as something daunting and hard and undoable for me. I have never ‘not been able’ to write a term paper, I’ve always done fine, so this is obviously my mind. I do not participate in these thoughts of ‘not being able’ to do something.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that term papers cause stress and anxiety that I cannot cope with. I cause these reactions within myself when I do not apply myself. Regardless, these are destructive reactions that I stop within myself as they are not life here but rather patterned behaviours of the mind as me. I stop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that because this paper is longer it will be more difficult. The only real difficulty I’m experiencing is living and participating within my resistance to facing myself and changing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not be able to push through this point because I have not done it before. There is no precedent set, I direct myself in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach importance to this particular professor because of self-interest.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to use him and his status to further myself. I stand alone and take responsibility for me and what I need to do to stand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want the paper to be done and over, without taking the necessary steps to achieve that goal. Much like the difficulty I’m having with committing to actually applying myself within this process of self-forgiveness and self-realization, I just don’t want to do the work. There’s no way out but through. I recommit here because I have proven to myself once again, that it is necessary to do the work, and nothing is going to move me but me. Doing the work is the whole point here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself within this point of taking self-responsibility for myself, wherein I face myself and my patterns and resistances, becoming one and equal to them, thus directing them to change myself. I breathe through and forgive myself for the my acceptance and allowance of the physical discomfort I experience within my practical application of process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that what happened last semester will happen again, wherein I was not able to push myself to manage my time and I ended up cramming everything into the last moment and afterwards I felt broken and abused.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place achieving good grades at school above my process of self-realization.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can only do one thing at a time, that I need to completely and utterly devote myself to school or process, but not both. This actually makes me ineffective at either. I can do both and I can do it properly through self-direction, discipline and time management.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed by projections into the future with regards to school and finances. I stop thinking about final grades, creating expectations which allow for fear of failure. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing to meet my imagined state of academic perfection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine failing and fearing that outcome. This is another projection and I stop my participation within it. I am here, as long as I am here and present in self-direction,  I will do fine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts of the future, specifically with finances, wondering how I’ll ever make enough money to support myself through all that I need to do.  I will support myself to do whatever I need to do. Right now I’m in school and things are the way they are. One more year of school and I will have a full-time job again. I’m doing all I can now to support myself and I’m fine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear debt, being buried in debt that I will never be able to pay off, that will prevent me from self-realizing or being able to direct myself. I am using fear of debt as an excuse to not face me. Who am I in relation to debt? I feel crushed, completely helpless. Ok, here I have to remind myself that I am required to be in some debt right now. It is manageable, I have dealt with it and placed it in the most inexpensive place and have used the resources available to me to manage my situation and I am ok. I am directing my financial situation well and I am the directive principle of me within my financial situation concerning debt. I am no longer living the pattern of feeling as though I am not in control of my finances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel overwhelmed by bills. I have proven to myself that I am capable of keeping track of my bills and paying them on time. I am responsible for my finances and deal with problems as they come up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to re-live my past experiences of not having enough money and feeling very insecure in the world. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to re-live fearing for my health and fearing the fact that at any moment an event could take away what little I had. This can happen to anyone at any time. I remain here, stable. I will continue to concentrate on becoming stable in the world.

Writing, Revealing, Realizing

     My writing has been sorting out my relationship with my mom. I realize that everything I have emotionally connected to her has, in reality, absolutely nothing to do with her or who she is. It's about how I react to her, how I define myself in relation to her, how I project what I'm feeling on to her, etc.... This goes for every relationship in my life. It has nothing to do with the other person. The only thing that is relevant is the value I have placed on events that have taken place within the relationship, and the ways in which I have allowed myself to view myself based on those events. This truth is a great liberator, as the onus is now on me to sort myself out within this. I am the only person who I can give and receive true forgiveness from, releasing myself instead of waiting for somebody else to 'save' me', 'fix' me or apologized to me or whatever. Nobody except me can change the way I experience myself, therefore, there is no blame, no waiting and no anger, only self-responsibility.Today I had an honest conversation with my mom, which doesn’t with me very often. It was fluid and light instead of stagnant and awkward for me. The mother-daughter relationship is a tricky one (as are all realtionships, family ties being the most 'loaded' or 'heavy' in my perception). After having written out my 'issues' with my mom (more like issues with myself), I have shed many of the expectations I never before realized I held her to. Of course nobody will ever live up to the expectations I hold them to, because it's nobody's job or responsibility to live for me or change the way I experience myself in the world. I know the point I'm working on within my relationship with my mother is in no way 'cleared', but I have freed myself up to now express myself honestly around her, which had always been (or,I have made it out to be) incredibly difficult for me. The conversation was actually all about my involvement with desteni and the equal money system. I was explaining it all to her and, although I’ve talked about it before, it’s as though it  registered this time. She even said she was proud of who I was as a person, which is like, all I’ve ever wanted to hear. But now I’ve heard it, and nothing has changed within me. No burden of responsibility has been lifted because my mother approved of me. So, it all comes back to self. Self-responsibility. Forgiving myself so that I can actually move on, release this bullshit I hang on to and live according to what is actually here instead of holding on to the limited
worldview I have created for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place importance on having my mom like me, know me and approve of who I am or what I’m doing. I’m going to do what I’m going to do regardless of how anybody feels about it, because if my goal is to get approval, than who I am within that is not valid.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself from the starting point of gaining approval, which is in self-interest, instead of the starting point of what’s best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in positive energetic emotional charges when interacting openly and honestly with my mom, thus manifesting the opposite effect. I remain stable and breathe through the energetic reactions that arise within me so as not to create nor participate within energy.

One of the things I’m finding within self-honesty and corrective application is that I’m more consistent, so, although I’m not always heard the first or second or third time, eventually, when I am heard, there’s this history of consistency. The people I share things with don’t take it seriously the first time, but eventually, after months or even years, that consistency is something substantial.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to grow frustrated and unsure when people don’t hear me the first time, or when people don’t get the desteni message and its importance immediately. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to convince others that ‘we’ need to change, when in fact ‘I’ need to change, and that change within myself will be the most effective 'convincing' I’ll ever experience. I stand alone, as all-one.

Through my writing and videos I’m realizing that most of what I feel about myself is determined through other people. It’s as if I don’t have that connection with myself so I need to mirror myself through another person to be able to see who I am, and to judge myself, and that judgment is skewed by whoever I’m using as a reflector. I realized this after reading Lindsay’s blog where Viktor asked her if she had any reactions towards becoming fat, and she said she did: (viewtopic.php?f=80&t=18335&start=180).
So I asked myself the same question, and what came up was: well, my husband wouldn’t be too happy about it. Also, I have had a lot of perceived resentment from women (with which I manifested many bad feelings towards my body), so the reaction that comes up in me is the feeling that a lot of people would be happy if I became fat, and I would feel bad about that. Only after I forced myself to imagine myself being fat did I get reactions of fear and panic.
I’m conscious about what I eat and I make an effort to exercise, but I definitely over eat and don’t exercise enough. My genetic predisposition allows me some slack in this respect, whereas another person might practice my same habits and become overweight. It’s at the back of my mind that I’m getting older and I’m going to have to become a little more disciplined, but there’s no issue other than that because I know when I eat proper portions and move around I’m be supporting my body adequately and I can’t do any more than that.
I project guilt about being skinny because many others experience weight problems. On the other hand I feel like I need to be in shape and attractive for my husband. My mind goes to the thought that he married a thin girl so now I should keep it up so he doesn’t get a raw deal. I’m not sure what I’m projecting there. Maybe that I must remain ‘attractive’ so that he’ll judge me accordingly and stay with me. I have talked about this with him and he said that he wouldn’t like it if I were fat because that would mean something was probably going on with me psychologically.
But I have placed much value on this body and its ability to attract/seduce men because of my fear of survival. I find myself targeting men of authority in my world, either bosses or professors, usually men who I have to depend on for my survival. I’ve already done sf on this concerning my boss, and I changed, I stopped participating in those thoughts and began to dress differently and stopped wearing makeup and shaved my head at that time. But now that I’m in school and I place so much value on passing and on good grades that I’ve found this point kind of came back wherein I want to seduce my professors and have control over them due to my fear of failing. This is diminishing behaviour and it stops here. I will not view myself that way as I have already experienced that when dealing with people openly, honestly and directly, without thinking about the 'seduction' point I gain experience respect and confidence within myself, otherwise I am slippery, deceitful and objectified.
SF Review:
-"Through my writing and videos I’m realizing that most of what I feel about myself is determined through other people. It’s as if I don’t have that connection with myself so I need to mirror myself through another person to be able to see who I am, and to judge myself, and that judgment is skewed by whoever I’m using as a reflector.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lack the self-intimacy required to recognize myself as a person or a self which actually exists.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to use others to create an image of myself. This creates manipulation as I may alter what I see through others by altering who I am and how I behave around them, thus being dishonest and manipulating myself and the other person. So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself and others in order to create an image of myself that I’m satisfied with. And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within this (self-) dishonest behaviour. I am ‘here’ as life as who I am. I remain aware of the reactions that come up around others, and I breathe through them and release them in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to handle who I am, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear showing others who I am, as this is actually my own fear of seeing myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear revealing to myself who I really am, because that entails taking responsibility for the atrocities of the world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed within the situation on earth, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project doubt concerning whether or not I will be able to forgive myself for all this horrible abuse. I forgive myself unconditionally with trust in my corrective application.

-“ So I asked myself the same question (do I react towards the idea of becoming fat), and what came up was: well, my husband wouldn’t be too happy about it. Also, I have had a lot of resentment from women (with which I manifested many bad feelings towards my body), so the reaction that comes up in me is the feeling that a lot of people would be happy if I became fat, and I would feel bad about that. Only after I forced myself to imagine myself being fat did I get reactions of fear and panic.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value being thin as an asset and judging it as better than being fat.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view being thin as important.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe being thin is attractive and that being attractive is important instead of just being who I am without judging myself or participating in the thoughts of whether or not I’m being judged by others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to look a certain way because I’m in a relationship. I only want to assist and support my physical body by giving it exactly what it needs, not more and not less, with no other motives. I assist and support my physical body unconditionally is it assists and supports me unconditionally.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do anything from the starting point of appeasing my projections of someone else’s desires or demands of me. I direct myself according to the principle of equality and oneness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the positive energetic emotional charge of ‘feeling good’ when my husband compliments me and conversely ‘feeling uncertain’ about myself when he doesn’t. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to determine how I feel about myself based on the comments of another.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about not being overweight.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad and negative feeling towards my body because I held the belief that it was a source of resentment for others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disconnected from my body because I felt people disliked me for it without knowing who I am as a person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my body as something separate from me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my self-perception to be influenced by others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because I am thin while others have weight problems, and I know that it has less to do with how I’ve treated myself and more to do with my pre-programmed design.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and react to the idea that others would be happy if I became fat. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my imagined projections of other’s reactions toward an imagined projection of myself in a hypothetical scenario.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad because I felt girls resented me for my body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel a false sense of security within myself in the face of the insecurity other women revealed to me through my perception of their resent. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am better than they are, or superior to them because I am not insecure like they are. The truth is I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be insecure about my appearance and body. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my appearance and body as important, or even more important than who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being fat. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe being fat would lessen my worth. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge overweight people as less worthy or having less value. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry towards overweight people because I believe they are responsible for it, this anger is misplaced:I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at myself for my own gluttony and lack of will power. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself and my physical body as I neglect it and as I live within participation within the mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the socially constructed ideals of what a woman 'should' look like.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place more worth upon those who fit these socially constructed ideals.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abused myself in order to meet these socially constructed ideals.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have judged myself based on these ideas, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my perception of myself to be influenced by these ideals.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used these ideals to abuse others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have fed in to the existence of these ideals by believing them and participating within them, even within supporting them with money as I purchase 'beauty products' and 'flattering clothes'.
I present myself to the world as who I am, practically and comfortably, expressing myself in the moment according to principle, and not being moved by these outside influences.

Some Amazing Perpective!

I recently watched a video which really put in to perspective how I was experiencing myself in relation to others wherein I felt I had completely designed myself according to other people. Without that definition, or ‘feedback’ as sunette calls it, I have no reference point for who I am. I have to become my own reference point, this is key in order to direct myself and remain stable. Who are we really, when we’re alone? I can remember how it feels to get all dressed up and wear makeup, with everybody complimenting and showing desire or being a little more friendly than usual. I would set out to get that feedback and the feedback that I would get would confirm to me that yes, I am this person, I am a woman, I can be attractive, I am desirable, I have confidence and grace… and all those other ego-driven manipulations that I am looking for when we go out to the club or whatever I may happen to be in to. The truth is that I’m probably more ‘myself’ when I’m alone in the bathroom taking a shit! LOL! 

Finding myself within Fear, Doubt and the mother-daughter relationship

  

 Suggested video on family by Andrea: Demon Possession and the Family System pt.1

Fear, Doubt and Mommy:

I’ve committed to process but haven't been blogging. I had a couple false starts and I wanted to skip it today but I see the stagnation that takes place when I don't fully participate in what it is I need to do. When I don’t write myself out or keep up on the desteni videos the doubt starts creeping in. It’s interesting that my maiden name is Doubt as this is an issue I've been dealing with the more I participate with desteni. The more I ‘put myself out there’ the more fear I have as I face my doubt, but I face it through breath and with self-forgiveness and I can see it for what it really is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect the importance of writing every day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain in my mind, participating with my thoughts, believing them to be me, making my process longer and more difficult.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself when I don’t apply myself fully to my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny the importance of this process by keeping one foot in the easy life I’ve become so accustom to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fooled by this reality and its apparent normalcy. I know better than this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hang on to that life due to fear, thus sacrificing everything for nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take my commitment seriously, and not take myself seriously.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel exposed when I expose myself to the world, as if anybody could diminish me. Only I diminish myself, this stops now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let doubt creep in when I begin to change because it feels scary and new, I do not accept and allow doubt concerning what I’m up to with my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I require validation when I feel self-doubt, I am all I need, and I am here.

What is my Doubt?

                It is fear. Fear of change and the unknown, conversely, fear of losing the comfort of the familiar. Fear of being duped, or made out to be a fool, in other words, fear of being taken advantage of. Fear of judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear into my life, through my participation in the thoughts which I charge with fear, and believed that fear to be so real that I react to it in the physical. All fear has ever done is stop me and diminish me. Fear has never brought anything useful in to my life, it is only destructive and I will no longer participate in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change, or changing who I am because I’ve grown so comfortable with who I had become, as a coping mechanism, a personality and an ego. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear other’s reactions to my change because I’m reflecting myself back to myself through them, or the ideas I hold of them, and seeing myself change. I’m seeing that the change is real, and fearing what is real because I’ve never experienced this kind of realness before. Real realness means real consequence, and I have acted in ways without considering the consequences of my actions. I have acted in self-interest throughout my life and now I feel the realness of consequence, and it scares me, so, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the consequences of my actions. I accept full responsibility for all that I have caused through accepting and allowing myself to exist as the mind. I acknowledge the fact that I have acted in self-interest throughout my life, and that I have not considered the big picture, even though I knew it was there. So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have blinded myself to the suffering and abuse in the world, in my own life and within myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid taking responsibility for my actions and consequences. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that myself, or anybody else, is above facing their consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I can convince those around me that something is a certain way, that it is that way. Such as, convincing everyone that I’m a certain way, instead of just being who I am without participation in the mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I need people to think I’m something that I’m not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can construct some sort of ideal way to be, and then convince those around me that I am that way, when in reality, I have never really had control over who I am. I have been completely directed by my thoughts, feelings, emotions and reactions and they have more to do with who I am now, I have had very little say. Now I live by principle and will not allow it to be any other way. I stop participation in my thoughts in every moment that I become aware of it, and I become aware of it more and more every day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be ‘there’ and ‘done’. With process or any other endeavor, it takes time; it takes moment-by-moment accumulation, breath by breath. I’m slowing down so I can do it right, because otherwise I have to do it over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing others to themselves as I act in self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself so that I don’t make others uncomfortable or realize what they have accepted and allowed within themselves. I will no longer diminish myself because I don’t want to be the one to expose others to themselves. I will no longer fear the blame they may place on me, I know it’s not me they’re mad at. I will no longer fear others reactions to themselves, even if it is projected on to me. I stand as stability and support them through the realization of their responsibility, as I would like to have done for me. But I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to alter my behaviour in order not to have an effect on people. This is self-dishonest and abusive to myself as well as others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be a coping mechanism, a personality and an ego above who I really am as life here. I realize I can handle every experience better if I do not participate in the reactions, thoughts, feeling and emotions that have always accompanied events. I function better without them, I am more self-honest without them, and I feel lighter and more capable of navigating my way through my day without them, interactions are more real without them and I am more consistent in who I am through time without them.

                The other main thing I need to write out at the moment is the fact that I’m sorting myself out in relation to my relationship with my parents. The fact is, I live with them now and I can’t leave till I’m done school. Being back with them has had a bigger impact on me than I wanted to admit at first. It’s really hard for me to think straight and be myself around them.

                With my mom- I feel very frustrated around her because I feel that she never 'let me in.' I can see that I have manifested this experience myself as this is how I am in actuality, and I am projecting this self-image on to her, seeing myself through her, as her.So, what is she showing me as me? I feel like I’m talking to a shell or a mask = I wear a maks when I talk to her, I do not show her who I am, revealing only a shell of my true self.. She’s very distracted most of the time and doesn’t hear me = I am very distracted by my mind, I don't hear myself. Sometimes I think she’s not listening = I am not listening to myself, these beliefs hurt me growing up because I feel very unimportant when she behaves (I behave) this way, even now = I feel unimportant because I did not give myself importance, I did not stand as who I was, but instead only presented a shell of myself. I did not listen to myself, but rather to my mind's perception of myself based on my interpretation of the reactions of others towards me. I spent most of my time distracting myself with my imagination, creating an alternate reality instead of facing what I was doing by ignoring myself, and instead of realizing who I really was.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on my mother to provide me with the feeling that I am important. I am the most important thing that I have access to, now it’s up to me to gift myself to myself so that I can be effective in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to have my mother hear me, know me and see who I really am. It is I who needs to hear, see and know myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to express myself to my mom so that I can have her validation as who I am and who I have become. I am valid, there’s nothing more valid than who I am as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out validation from anyone but myself, I am here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I need to seek my mother’s approval for who I am, who I have become and what I’m doing now. I approve of the direction I am taking as I direct myself, I approve of living according to the principle of what is best for all, as well as the principle of oneness and equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe there is some magical relationship between mother and daughter that everyone experiences but me. I nurture myself unconditionally, with the utmost care as I bring myself forward to stand as equality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the relationship between my mother and I is supposed to be a certain way. The relationship is a result of what we are both capable of at the moment. But I will no longer wait for her or anyone else to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about my mom and her mental state. I will support her as who she really is and beyond that, it is out of my hands. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel responsible for my mom’s mental state, or to feel like I can improve it by behaving a certain way. Behaving in any way other than who I am is manipulative and abusive and I do not accept or allow myself to react to this worry by altering my behaviour, as if I have control over the outcome. I am only trying to control my own feelings of worry and not doing what’s best for all in this situation. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the feeling of being worried about my mom or anybody else. There’s nothing I can do as the mind to stop this experience within myself as the mind except not participate. Anything else is manipulating the whole experience in order to appease myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry that my mom feels trapped and imprisoned inside her own living hell, as I used to. No more worrying, I see how it’s abusive. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect worrying with caring about someone. I’m not caring about anyone but myself and my own worry, anything I do in this possessed state is done in self-interest and not what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my mom is capable of being something she is not, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with her when I want her to be something she is not, as in open, understanding, listening, communicative, real etc… The fact is, I believe myself to be something that I’m not, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shirk the responsibility of facing myself as not being open, understanding, communicative and real by projecting my frustration about this on to my mom. These things make me uncomfortable and I believe myself to be them but I’m not. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with myself because I’m not in practice what I believe myself to be in my mind. I still need to walk these things, I’m not there yet and I’m only waiting for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘forget’ that I am only waiting for myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize, when my mom is not listening, that it’s not about me, she is occupied in her mind and she is in her own process, and that I am not listening to myself.
I listen to myself now, I hear myself, and I devote myself to stand as self. 

              

    

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use talking as a means to create the feeling of the mother daughter relationship I believe to exist. I create that relationship within myself as I teach myself and ‘mother’ myself now, in taking responsibility for who I am, I ‘parent’ myself and discipline myself. And through this mothering and parenting myself I create self-intimacy and self-trust, understanding, caring and realness. I do not allow self-judgment or limitation or any other forms of self-abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be uncomfortable with silence between my mom and I. I breathe through those moments and remain stable so that I may speak and listen as me, and not just talk to fill the silence. I no longer ‘just talk’ to fill silence, I breathe through the discomfort I experience within the silence between myself and other individuals.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my mother by feeling hurt. I cannot expect her to make me feel a certain way, to make my feel ‘loved’ or 'like a daughter’. Nobody can 'make' me feel anything, it is my responsibility to direct myself. I have created ideals that are not real and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect my mom to live up to these fabrications. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create ideals of how things are supposed to be. Its time to let things be as they are so that I may see who I have accepted and allowed myself to become within all these expectations, so that I may release them and uncover who I really am. 

  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I need to act a certain way around certain people in order to make the situation comfortable for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my discomfort on to others, believing them to be as uncomfortable as I am, or believing that I am making them uncomfortable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people are uncomfortable around me, because I’m quiet and don’t talk much. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be uncomfortable around other people because I fear realness, theirs as well as my own.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become uncomfortable when I’m around people acting through ego or the mind, as I don’t want to feed it and participate, but sometimes I do it anyways to avoid the awkward silence that may accompany not participating with others egos and personalities. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with others egos and personalities and I breathe through the feeling of ‘the elephant in the room’, as I remain here, and do not diminish myself in these situations. I will survive the awkward silence, but I won’t survive if I participate in the mind. Mine or anybody else’s.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act out certain personalities in order to avoid being treated a certain way. I can no longer concern myself with other’s reactions, to me or to anything else. Reactions do not direct who I am, I direct myself according to the principles of equality. I stop participation in the reactions of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to convince my mom I’m super happy all the time, even she knows better than this! I am not this façade and she knows it and I know it, the only one I’m fooling is me! I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend to be so blind that I can fool myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be so naïve that I can play myself in this way. My eyes are open now; I see who I’m not. I’m not ‘happy all the time’ because happiness is blindness and pretending to be happy is really really dumb.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act in ways to avoid my mom worrying about me, she is projecting, and as I continue to live self-honestly, she will see that I am ok and capable of taking care of myself and being responsible for myself. Her stressing about my state of mind is misplaced, when she sees I’m okay she’ll stop. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act in ways which keep my mom worried about me instead of remaining stable and self-directive, proving to myself that I don’t need a whole army to back me, that I stand no matter what. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the belief that I need my family to stand behind me and support me. They do not support me in equality, simply for lack of understanding. I support myself.

-“My grandmother was emotionally abusive towards my mom and had a destructive impact on her self-image. My mom will now perpetuate this negative self-image by putting herself down, and pointing out when she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

 

This is only my perception of ‘the way it is’. I can’t trust this or act on it because it might not even be true. I could have developed this perspective and then over time let it become a ‘disproportionate part of the bigger picture’, and/or ‘exaggerated’ as I will have looked for events to confirm my belief over time while ignoring other parts of reality. So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form and hold on to the beliefs that I have created about my reality and the people in it, thus creating an actual alternate reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave according to a manufactured reality instead of living according to what is here in actuality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have lived myself in the context of a false reality, judging myself, defining myself and programming myself according to this projection which has very little to do with actual reality so which in the end, is actually insane.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain blind and insane within my own creation. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for my creation and its outflows and consequences. I stop, breathe, and live according to what is real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate so blindly in the abuse I create by living in my projected mind reality, I stop here and take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed within this world, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not even comprehend the terrible nature and absolute horror that I have promulgated through my participation within my mind.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear seeing/realizing/being exposed to the horror that goes on in the world, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe or perceive that this kind of horror only happens ‘out there’ to ‘them’. And not to me, because I’m ‘safe’ and ‘I don’t deserve that’. Nobody deserves to suffer, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself so divisively that I don’t even see others as fully human. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe/perceive  that somehow ‘others’ ‘out there’ are able to deal with atrocity because they are ‘not me’ and they must be able to ‘cope somehow’. Otherwise it wouldn’t be happening, right? Because Man would not let something so horrible take place, someone ‘out there’ is looking out for ‘them’ and stopping abuse, because that’s how it works over here… oh so wrong. Over here we have worth because we have money, we associate worth with money, we accept that, it’s all we know. But that is no excuse. I cannot believe I accepted this, but I did, and I continue to as I confirm this belief so long as I continue the way I always have. Shit. Shit shit shit! Shit is real, time to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project a reality where some humans have less worth. One where I am supreme, and people far away with no money have no worth. I am them as they are me and life has inherent worth which has absolutely nothing to do with money, status, location or anything else for that matter. Life is all there is and everything else is nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility through beliefs I have created, such as the idea that ‘Man would not let this happen’; It is happening, and I as ‘Man’ am allowing it, I have always allowed it, and so long as I continue participating in the mind, I am continuing to allow it. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is some good in the world that would not allow anyone to suffer too much. I only hold this belief because I have lived the good life, and I know that if I were suffering that some caring person or authority would help me, and if they didn’t, there would be hell to pay. I can’t even imagine what the experience of cold, hard reality might be like.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be blind because I have lived in a safe and insulated bubble. From my experience with actual bubbles, they always always ALWAYS burst! No matter how pretty and peaceful they are, they are temporary and unstable. I burst my own bubble. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the belief and perception that something ‘out there’ would not allow this, instead of taking the responsibility upon myself, and not allowing it as me, within me or within my world. I stop, right now. I stop ad will continue stopping for as long as it takes, till this is done. There is no other choice and no other way, thank GOD.

On interacting with my mom:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perpetuate my perception of what’s going on with my mom by participating in it through “censoring what I say” around her, thus confirming her possible negative self image to myself, and within that, confirming to myself my own negative self image simply by accepting and allowing the manifestation of ‘negative self-image’ to exist, therefore, through this participation I am diminishing her and myself as I participate within my own thought projection. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confirm and perpetuate the manifestation of a negative self-image through my participation within it, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within these thoughts and projections by altering my behaviour around my mom in these ways (‘censoring myself’) which are triggered by these emotions, feelings and reactions of guilt and ‘feeling bad’ for my mother.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself down before anyone else can, believing this to be a protective measure when it reality it is self-destructive as I confirm these negative self-statements and beliefs by either voicing them or participating in the emotional energetic charges which are attached to them, or both. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through diminishing ways such as protective measures. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be one way in my mind, but to actually be busy defining myself in reality as something completely different. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for my own becoming, and to be blind to my own artificial creation of myself. I stop this here as I begin to understand and reprogram what I have programmed as myself. I reprogram myself according to principle and not according to experience. The principle I program myself according to is that of a universal oneness and an equality for all as me and within myself as all.

On becoming my parents/change:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live out my pre-programmed genetic design instead of living within breath, directing myself moment to moment according to principle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have engrained this pre-programming within myself through my constant and continuous participation within it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel trapped and limited within my genetic predisposition, believing it to be bigger and more powerful than me. It is of my mind and my participation within my mind is my choice and my choice alone, and I know full well that there is not really a choice, so I have no choice but to realize myself as life, and realize myself as equal to my mind, and realize that I have the directive necessary to direct myself within this equality so that I may become a living statement of this equality, mind and all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am waiting for my mom to decide to change before I fully commit to it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project onto my mother my doubt that ‘change is possible’, or my idea, perception and belief that the efforts toward change are in vain.

 I take these projections back to myself and face them now: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that change is possible. I have already proven to myself that it is possible; I have also proven that not changing is equal to living in my own self-manifested hell.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the effort to change is an effort in vain. The idea/perception/belief, as well as the emotional energetic charge I associate with the word effort, is something I have created and defined as ‘hard’ and ‘a struggle’, and I have connected the word ‘effort’ (and all that goes with it) in this case with the idea/perception/belief and emotional energetic charge I have associated and connected to the words ‘in vain’, in relation to my perceived ability to change.

So first, I redefine right now, my idea/perception/belief of the word effort. The dictionary says this about effort: 1: a voluntary exertion to perform. 2: a strenuous attempt. 3: a work. An achievement. I guess effort can be strenuous or an exertion if it is physical, but only participation in energy leads to mental exertion and strain, so I cannot accept this context of the word ‘effort’. I do accept it to be a voluntary performance and work, but not an achievement in and of itself. To me effort is specific action taken over time, directed towards something specific, and that’s it. So when, I ‘put in effort’ to achieve a goal, I am objectively stating that I am taking specific steps towards a goal.

 Second, I realize right now that the energetic emotional charge I feel connected to the words “in vain” are actually my own fear of not achieving the goal due to self-doubt and lack of self-trust.

 This is a goal towards which I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I’m putting an ‘effort’ ‘in vain’ towards achieving is the goal of changing (ie: committing to process, accepting my reality is not real, accepting the validity and common sense of desteni as more real than what I have experienced as ‘my life so far’, thus realizing that change is required and inevitable).

 So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest and participate within the accepted and allowed fear not being able to achieve this goal. I have accepted and allowed this achievement to be a choice, wherein I have made space for fear because I lack the self-trust necessary to know without a doubt that I will not give up. So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project in to the future the thought of myself giving up and not changing, thus manifesting the fear that my efforts are in vain. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to live my pre-programmed designed pattern of giving up when things get “too hard,” “too hard” being a belief which I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within. Nothing is really ‘hard’ or an ‘effort’, it just feels that way, but I can and will push through these beliefs which I have accepted and allowed to become real physical experiences within myself.

Therefore I push through the fear I have associated with changing by forgiving myself for having accepted and allowing myself to participate within the manifested feelings of fear within myself as I breathe through them and realize that I am still here, that I can in fact change, and that what remains after I change is more real, more me, and less limited, I expand myself through change as I change myself through stopping my participation in the mind. I stop ‘living’ the way I have ‘always lived’ and start living what is real, what is here, as I direct myself toward living what life actually is in actual reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on my mom or any other person to start to change before I ‘feel ready’ to. There is no feeling or sign that will indicate to me that it’s time to fully commit. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on the feelings of readiness, bravery and motivation in order to indicate to myself that it’s time to change. The time is now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to myself and all of creation by waiting for others to change before me, I am only waiting for myself, and I am here so…. No more excuses.

When I talk about my relationship with my mom, and now writing about it, I feel silly, like I’m whining and everything I’m saying is such a cliché. Yet this relationship had me completely possessed. These past two days I’ve been able to come out of it and breathe here and there while in either my mom or my dad’s presence. I can see this is due to my writing, however unclear and unfocused and forced it has felt to me.

Self-Check

Where am I now?

Clarifying points of fear, doom, despair, toil and struggle.

I feel fear, doom and despair. I know that I have not yet really pushed through a tough point, and the thought of doing so gives me the physical sensation of toil and struggle. I feel as though there is some kind of thick sludge flowing through me, slowing me down to a stop, and then I get sick. And I fear getting sick because that is the physical manifestation of the belief that I just can’t do it. I feel as though effort sucks the life out of me until I’m physically incapable of doing anything except lie in bed, sick. And then I can rest. That’s my escape. I let things compound until I believe they become bigger than me and they overpower me.

                But then I realize that I don’t have to participate in the feelings of fear, doom, despair, toil and struggle. And that I can take it a step further by forgiving myself along the way so that I do not compound energy which always and inevitably leads back to these points. How many times will I allow myself to do this to myself before I change?

                Knowing that I have to change leads me to feel these things because I know I will have to face myself, and I don’t know what I’m going to find out about myself. Fear of the unknown. I’m scared of what demons lurk inside me.  I’ve always defined myself as a good person with good intentions, but I know I am as blind and self-interested as we have all been. I have not faced any consequences for what I have accepted and allowed myself to get away with in this life. That is not even considering the participation in things that I’m not yet aware of, how my actions have affected everyone in the world, my connection to everything including all the suffering and starvation, the fact that I’ve accepted and allowed terrible atrocities to exist and take place in my name.    

                But self first, so that I have a self to stand with.  I’m writing to unravel and release myself of the feelings of toil and struggle that I allow to manifest in myself when I have to motivate myself, and the sensation of fear, doom and despair when I know it’s time to change.

Why am I doing this?

                So that I can release myself from this prison that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as.

                So that I am no longer a slave to the thoughts, feelings and emotions that I have allowed to direct me as who I am.

                So that I can realize my full potential within the limitations of the physical, as equal and one with everything that is here, until I stand as the living statement of equality, so I can work together with a group of dedicated, self-honest people to put an end to what is currently taking place in our physical reality.

                So that I can assist and support others to realize themselves as equal as well, and in turn accept and allow others to assist and support me as I assist and support myself through a process that we are all currently involved in as individuals yet together as one.

Self-forgiveness

Motivation:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the energetic reactions of toil and struggle when I realize I have to motivate myself.

I do not accept and allow myself to participate in these energetic reactions. When they come up, I stop myself, breathe, and move on in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot move myself to do things that I believe are hard and that I do not want to do.

Nothing is ‘easy’ or ‘hard’, these are sensations I create through judgments based on pre-programmed patterns and beliefs. I refuse to allow these judgments to affect me here, nor to direct me here, as I direct myself through breath in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is something wrong or inadequate about me that renders me incapable of taking the responsibility of moving myself to get tasks done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, negatively or positively, or compare myself to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others, making myself feel better in moments of perceived weakness, insecurity or inferiority. Or to make myself feel bad or less than, due to my pre=programmed thought patterns.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others through this judgment, constantly ranking myself and them, consequently limiting myself, abusing myself and others.

We are one and equal, equal and one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project in to the future and then become overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do (namely with school).

I stop myself from participation in projections which open me up for mindfucks, allowing stress, anxiety and fear of future events affect who I am now, in the present moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that as a student I am not as smart or as able as my peers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some are more intelligent than others, when in actuality, we have all just programmed ourselves differently in a pre-programmed system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others, thus judging myself through them, as them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge some as smart and others as not smart.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as smart or not smart.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself, allowing myself to judge myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the polarity of smart and not smart.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge ‘smart’ as ‘good’ and ‘not smart’ as ‘bad’ or ‘dumb’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge some as smart or super smart, believing that this is something that is out of my grasp or that this is an unattainable standard for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself, believing myself to be unable to achieve certain standards of academic performance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself, or grow frustrated because I’ve allowed myself to believe I cannot understand certain subjects or complicated concepts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe there are certain subjects or concepts I cannot understand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on trying to understand things because I’ve grown frustrated or manifested the experience of pity and self-doubt within myself allowing myself to believe I cannot do it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot do well at school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a positive energetic charge when I do well at school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a negative energetic charge when I don’t do well at school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ student.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a student.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being a student as a ‘good’ thing.        

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the idea of the institution of education.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view the academic sphere or institution as big and official and daunting.                

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe academia is bigger than me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I don’t belong in an academic setting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I’m not smart enough to go to university.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I’m fooling myself and everybody else by going back to school.

I am one with school and all the information and assignments; I live them as the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not apply myself at school because I saw/see it as boring and pointless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not apply myself at school, which put me in the position of not understanding the material.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the material being taught at school as being boring and pointless, instead of being one and equal to it and learning it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself in the position of not understanding the material, and instead of deciding to learn, giving up and believing I am incapable of learning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as incapable of doing well at school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overcome by the sensations of boredom and dread instead of breathing in the moment and doing my schoolwork which I could have done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry, frustrated and upset with myself when I project into the past about the type of student I was.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project in to the past and dredge up past definitions and feelings I had about myself and applying them to myself in the present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to appease myself by not doing my work to avoid the negative feelings I would get by doing it, because I never actually applied myself, and when I did, it was usually too little, too late, thus confirming to myself that I am incapable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have never actually applied myself at anything.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I was not a poor student or a slow child, but that I had allowed myself to define myself as one because I never put myself out and tried.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a slow and dull student.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my teacher’s definitions of who I was and what I was capable of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate on doing schoolwork. When I procrastinate I build up stress which I use as a motivator, but then when new things come up, I fear the very stress I know I will manifest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the stress I am constantly manifesting, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that stress is who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my parents definitions of who I was/am and what I was/am capable of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as forgetful, disorganized and aloof.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my friend’s parents definitions of who I was and what I was capable of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a ‘bad’ influence on the friends in my world. Conversely, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a ‘good’ influence on the people in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project these feelings about myself on to these individuals, thus reflecting these definitions of myself back to myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and limit myself based on these definitions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the self-judgment and limiting definitions I have made for myself and reflected back to myself through the individuals in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue accepting and allowing myself to believe and be limited by other’s definitions of me. This stops here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the reflection of myself that I see in the individuals in my world, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept this reflection as myself, therefore not accepting me to see myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear seeing myself.

My world is my mirror; I correct myself in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not grown up enough or adult enough to take responsibility for myself and my actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that becoming “adult’ or ‘grown up’ is becoming like the adults and grown-ups in my world, and that not taking responsibility is like not having to grow up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I take responsibility I will lose my youth and youthfulness and become stale and boring and dead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being adult for fear of becoming stale and boring and dead, having forgotten how to live. I realize I have never actually lived.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the adults and grown-ups in my world and judging them as stale and boring and dead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate taking responsibility with becoming stale, boring and dead. Taking responsibility for my actions, and forgiving myself of everything I have accepted and allowed, brings me here, the only place I can live.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing parts of myself to become stale and boring and dead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need stress to move myself. I direct myself and move myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the stress I cause myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cause myself stress every time I have something due.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project in to the future when I have something due, setting myself up for stress, instead of taking the first step towards completion before the stress begins.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need stress to work efficiently.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not apply myself, or feel like I can’t focus when I’m not stressed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that focus and motivation are not things I can direct within and as myself. With breath and self-forgiveness, I can focus and motivate myself, I have already experienced this and the more I do it the more I will do it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed by the stress I manifest, believing it to be too great for me to deal with. In breath, nothing is too big or too great to handle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself by manifesting stress in my body. My body is here, equal and one, and I am injecting it with stress with my mind, which is not necessary and which does not benefit me or my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I apply myself. It is a struggle, and it is taking energy from me, causing me to eventually become sick.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear becoming sick and useless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I direct myself it is difficult and zaps my strength.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can be diminished by applying myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to rest to save energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become dependent on energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am limited by energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I don’t have energy I will be sick.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use being sick as an escape, believing when I’m sick, I can rest. Believing when I rest, I am getting better. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe sleep and rest will make me ‘better’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape in sleep. No amount of rest will make me feel motivated or like I can do anything more than I could do before, I move myself to face and walk through the feelings of lack of energy and lack of motivation, they are merely creations of my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on the feeling of having energy to move myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on feeling motivated to move myself. Motivation is of the mind, it is a thought and a feeling created at the whim of my mind. I refuse to allow my mind to direct me. I direct my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to overdo it when I feel strong and motivated and full of energy, thus manifesting the polarity opposite experience, and becoming weak and ill. I do not participate in polarity, I stabilize myself when I have a positive energetic charge, bringing myself back to the present when I feel ‘high’, bringing myself back to the present when I feel ‘low’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the bad feeling I get when I don’t participate in energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the bad feeling I get when I stop myself from participation of energy, the feeling of withdrawal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I am missing out on something, or losing something when I don’t participate in energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I lose energy when I use it, believing that I only have a certain amount.

Fear, doom and despair.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that fear, doom and despair exist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in these feelings when I manifest them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that nothing else exist when I manifest these feelings, and that they can stop me from moving myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let these feelings be bigger or more than who I am as life. I am one and equal to fear, doom and despair, and I will not participate in them.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed feelings of fear, doom and despair have an effect on my physical body, for allowing myself to believe myself to feel like I am existing in slow motion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest the sensation of mud running through my body, slowing me down and causing me to feel as though every movement is a struggle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience life as a struggle instead of existing in breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in the past and future, thus allowing myself to feel bogged down, instead of being here as breath. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bogged down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in these emotions and feelings I manifest in order to stop me from realizing who I really am, keeping me dependant on the mind, on energy, I no longer participate in this deception, I exist here, now, as life, in breath.

I stand aware in each moment, aware of my mind, and I see how it works, and I do not take part. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest the feelings of fear, doom and despair when I know I have to change. These feeling are not me, they are my mind, reacting to its own end.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have, in the past, believed these feeling to be me, and having been stopped by them, and having allowed myself to not change and to remain in my mind.   
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain in my mind due to the manifested feelings of fear doom and despair I experience when I'm about to change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future out of fear of change, giving my mind the opportunity to manifest the feelings of fear, doom and despair which I then associate with change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe these feelings of fear, doom and despair to be me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved and directed by fear, doom and despair, towards behaviour that diminishes me, instead of directing myself toward and in self-honesty. In self-honesty I move myself to and as equality, manifesting an accumulative effect which brings me here, as me, as self, giving myself a self to stand as, so that I may stand as equality. 
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to change, and I accept and allow myself to change now, I accept and allow myself to forgive myself, to act in self-honesty in ways that are best for all, in all ways, always.